Dear Aunt Babz,
I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.
The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to "fall into his lap" and then he decided what to do with them.
Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn't even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He's said many times, he's popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he's got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don't even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.
Recently I SMSed him saying I won't speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven't got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we'll talk later. I am still upset over this.
I've been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you're having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I'm not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I'll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.
What to do?
First and foremost, I think you've been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.
You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody's part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, "Enoughs enough," concerning this merit less perception.
Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.
This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It's ridiculous and we need to stop it.
I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.
I'm sorry but this guy, you've mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don't know why you'd want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, "You Deserve Better."
They have a saying, it's kinda Redneck and I hope you don't take it wrong but they say, "There's a dog for every dog." Meaning there's someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there's someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don't see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren't, everybody'd be considered beautiful, right? I mean there'd be no line drawn, we'd all be considered beautiful and then there'd be no definition or exception for who's beautiful, who'd not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there's more real people and your mate is out there.
How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.
I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, "Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you're not so perfect after all."
Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don't care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B's Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the "Real Women." Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.
I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I'd love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.