Bluff Backfired

Dear Aunt B,

My best friend and I have recently hit a huge pothole in our friendship. It started because her fiance cheated on her and I supported her. I let her cry on my shoulder and listened to her. Well, her and her fiance are still going to get married and I told her I didn't feel comfortable being her Maid Of Honor anymore. He treated her so badly and it's not the first time he cheated on a girlfriend. Ever since I made that statement things have gone downhill quickly. We have been getting into huge fights and we had a big blowout the other day and now no longer speak to each other. I feel really bad, but she has changed so much and she will have her wedding no matter what. I just wanted to be her friend and be honest. We are no longer friends and it bothers me but she is no longer bothered by it. She now feels she can continue her life without me and I was no bog loss. Should I try to apologize for something I don't think I'm to blame for or should I just give it time for me to get over it? Please help!!! I'm lost!! Thanks!

Ex-Best Friend



Dear Ex Friend,

Your bluff backfired, huh? What a damn shame, the whole situation, really. I'll get back to the meaning of the title, ok?

I'll be 50 in February and I must say, I've learned a few things along this journey, my life. I tell my own kids and grandkids, "If you don't want me to hold a grudge, don't tell me stuff about what your girlfriends, wives or husband has done wrong, that is unless you want me to play hardball."

What I mean by this is for starters, you never run home to Mama and tell the kind of bad things that I will find it hard to forgive but you can. As well, you never ever tell a girlfriend anything she might not be able to forgive of your significant or husband. Same principle, different game that's all.

Now, the game you played, for lack of better words, as I said it backfired. You laid out the rules, the terms of the game in somewhat of a bluff. I imagine that you figured your girlfriend would see just how serious you were and you felt you were playing hardball for her welfare, out of caring as girlfriends do.

She might be quite crazy and one of those women that has to learn things the hard way but your girlfriend forgave her man while you could not. If she gets burned, it's on her, is it not? Although you may cringe and shake your head, it will not actually affect you.

You took a stand because you cared so deeply. But your principles and morals can not be projected on her. As well, it is her life and she must live it. The role of a true girlfriend is to stand by her good friend come hell or high water.

Now, here's the clincher; you may very well be right and this guy could be a schmuck. Statistics do show that a man that fools around, will often do it again. But I have seen love prevail as well as a good woman who makes it real well known that she'll not tolerate a man who fools around on her. He won't live to tell...

How do I know that? I was one of those women and I assure you he never messed on me again. He was still a schmuck and I ultimately left him after 19+ years but I guaran damn tee ya it was not because he fooled around.

So, what can we learn, what can we do here? I think you'll have to find it in your heart, some way, some how to remember what girlfriends are really all about. This is my very own creed, I hope you will laugh with me;

Babz' Girlfriends Creed

I'll jump through fiery hoops to help you,
I'll pick up the pieces he's left behind,
I'll cry with you and wipe your snotty nose,
I'll eat M & M's and Ice Cream with you if it helps,
I'll answer the phone at 4am and swear like a seasoned Sailor with you,
I'll drive around half the night till we find him,
I'll help you bury the body...

Then, I'll let you borrow my new lipstick, you know just to shine up!

Find forgiveness. Forgive her for being angry at you. Forgive her for loving him.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I'm 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn't talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don't tell your wife, I'm bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn't going to lie to my wife, I just wasn't coming if that's the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We're sitting at dinner and I'm watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn't like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn't the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn't like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn't over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that's the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won't email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies...actually his fiance' told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn't get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.



Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We've all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that's what it's all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I'm gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family...

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can't appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you've read anything, that I've written here, you'll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I'm just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You'll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he'll have to walk down "his road" and I'm hoping you'll walk on the berm along side him.


You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is "a good woman behind every great man." The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn't care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn "first blood." What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don't you? And don't you think, if he didn't like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn't like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he's not man enough to tell her he doesn't like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what's in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you've got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn't try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn't belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it's twists and turns, it's comedy and tragedy, it's plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it's not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, "This is Your Life," Ben didn't really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, "What the hell does he see in her?" He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn't have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn't know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I'm going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?


Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it's never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you'll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term "casting a pall" on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term "pallbearer" is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.

Measure of a True Friend

dear x ,
i have one problem.My best friend is going out with the school screw up. He takes drugs and he is in a gang. should i tell my friend he is so wrong for her ?

sincerely,
Lost in friendship and relationship

Dear Lost,

The measure of a true friend is telling us the things that we don’t want to hear, but also to be supportive when we disagree. Somewhat contradictory huh?

Do you know for sure that he takes drugs? Do you know for sure that he is part of a gang? Or is this just common perception? Sometimes the biggest mistake you can make is to prematurely judge a person. So make sure your concern is valid, or you just might lose your friend.

Essentially what I think holds true though, is that if you are true friends you should be able to voice your concern about this guy, but also be open to accept her decision. And sometimes that is really difficult when it puts the person you care for in a bad situation.

You should tell your friend that you are concerned and try not to vent off on how bad this guy is for her, this will only make her defensive and mad. Just be honest with her, and hopefully she will show you if you are wrong, or take your advice and get out of that relationship.

Good Luck with the talk,

~Xmichra.

Lesson of a Lifetime

Dear Aunt Babz,

This requires a little bit of history...I'm totally lost here, so forgive me if I seem to be writing a book. I've changed all the names for the sake of privacy. My girlfriend, Miranda, and I have been dating for only six weeks, but we've been good friends for a year or so before that. Originally, she was chasing after me, but since we've started dating I've fallen fast and hard for her. However, we agreed to take things slow and have not done anything other than quick kisses...not even French kissing. Her best friend, Jayden, lives in England (we live in America), and her best American friend is named Alexi -- I know Alexi better than Jayden, but I talk to both of them often, at least a few times a week. Alexi, Miranda and I all work together. At work, we have three assistant managers; usually we work under a woman named Jess. She's very well liked and trusted by everyone.

Saturday afternoon, Miranda tried to call out of work for that night. That morning, Jason, her sister's fiance, hit Meg, her sister. They lived together and always seemed to be fighting, but this was the first time he physically abused her. Both Meg and Jason have rage issues. Meg left Jason, and moved in with Miranda and her parents. Miranda wanted to be there for her sister, and knew that we could get by without her at work that night. Jess would not let her call out, and insisted that she come in. I was text messaging Miranda at the same time, and I told her not to bother coming in. I told her she doesn't need this job (I'm pretty wealthy and would definitely take care of her -- since we've started dating I'm sure I've already spent over $1,000 on her; she knows that is no matter to me and that I would do anything for her). I told her to do what she needed to do, and be with her family.

She ended up coming into work, and was the maddest I've ever seen her. She went into the back and punched a locker, and was not in a good mood at all. Jess saw how upset she was and let her leave early. I could not leave what I was doing. Looking back, I should've abandoned my job and run to her before she left. I definitely spoke to her every time she walked past, but I didn't act as concerned as I felt. I let her go, I think. I think that was my mistake.

After leaving work, I learned she did not go home. She talked to Jayden (British best friend) and told her that there was no point in living. She was going to drive into a telephone pole. According to Jayden, she went on for a good fifteen minutes and was genuinely serious. Jayden asked what was wrong but never got an answer. Jayden didn't even know about the Jason and Meg situation. Jayden called Alexi in hysterics -- being in England, she couldn't do much but knew Alexi might have a bigger impact. Alexi came into work and told me what Miranda told Jayden. Both of us were obviously worried, but Miranda did not respond to either of us. We didn't want to betray Miranda's trust of Jayden, so we tried to seem concerned without letting on that we knew.

Miranda and Meg came in to work later that night and did a bit of shopping. Miranda talked to me, everything seemed normal. I didn't ask any questions other than if she was okay. I figured there was more to this situation that she just wasn't comfortable telling me. I wanted to give her space. She seemed ok, introduced me to Meg, and everything was as good as I could expect. I didn't know how to act, really, so I might've seemed a little awkward, but I would think that's understandable.

The next day, Sunday, Miranda and I were supposed to hang out. I go to college during the week and come home on the weekends, so Sunday night we always get together before I head back to school. I sent her a message when I was leaving work that I would see her soon -- all I got back was "I can't go out." I said that's fine, you need to do what you have to do and I understand that you want to be there for your family. I got no answer back. I called her that night, maybe seven hours later, and she didn't answer her phone. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, and I left a message saying so. That one message, "I can't go out," was all I've heard from her in the last four days.

I asked Alexi what was going on. A few hours after telling me that she could not go out, Miranda asked Alexi if she wanted to play tennis. Alexi turned her down -- she had too much homework and didn't have the time. This seemed odd to me, but I figured Miranda just had something on her mind she didn't feel comfortable talking about with me. Monday night, the two of them worked together and Alexi told me that they had a good talk. She didn't want to tell me what it was about, but she said it had nothing to do with me. I was not the issue. Miranda also spoke with Jess, and all Jess told me was that I need to give her space, and that Miranda's "never been in this situation before." I have no idea what's going on, and I just don't know what to do.

Her ex-boyfriend raped her a few months ago, that's one of the main reasons why we're moving so slowly. All I can figure is that something brought up those memories, and consequently, she's afraid to love me or be close to me.

I've been texting or calling her once a day, just so that she knows I'm here and I still care. She won't answer me, and I don't know why. Even if she just said "I don't want to talk right now," that would be a lot better than nothing. I just don't know what to do or what to think or where to turn. My grades in school are really suffering because of this -- I can't concentrate at all. Last night was the first time since this began that I slept at all, and even then it was only for two hours.

I arranged for a meeting with my school counselor next week. I just don't know what to do.

Any thoughts, suggestions or comments? Please. Anything at all is greatly appreciated.




Thank you so much.
Lover_in_distress



Dear Lover_in_distress,

It is not easy to try and figure someone out, especially when they are acting really uncharacteristic of themselves. And in this instance I have some advice on what you can do to help Miranda, but unfortunately it will not help you.

See, what I would suggest is to talk to Miranda’s parents because if she is feeling suicidal and had something as traumatic as rape happen to her, she is in danger. And helping her live is first and foremost.

But it will not help you (I don’t think) because she will resent that you went to her parents, she will be mad that Jayden betrayed her trust, and she will not be happy with any of you for awhile.

In the end though, she does need help. People who are happy do not think of driving into telephone poles. Miranda needs your help.

For you, I would say that getting involved with someone who has depression is very difficult and sometimes doesn’t work out. You can do everything right, but depression is a monster and cares little for the hearts of others. Not saying the person who is depressed is a monster, depression is a disease and is hard to tame or get rid of. And those who deal with it either first hand or second hand have difficulties. If you really are in love, and you really want to help, then there are steps you can take. But that will not guarantee that Miranda will be receptive to you. Hopefully she will see that you care enough to help, and her friends care as well. And hopefully you can be a part of her support while in recovery. But ultimately this is her choice, to seek help. And it is her choice on weather she will accept that help.

I found this on the web, and it is actually pretty good:

Top Tips for Helping a Depressed Friend or Relative
Learn about depression	Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of depression. You need to understand what you’re dealing with before you can help.
Be understanding	Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
Try not to take it personally	Irritability and hostility are common symptoms of depression. Often, a depressed person will say hurtful things or lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so don’t take it to heart.
Have realistic expectations	It can be frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even with the proper treatment, recovery from depression doesn’t happen overnight.
Don’t be an enabler	It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
Relinquish your control	Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. Ultimately, depression recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

There is more on this topic here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

I hope that Miranda does get some help, and I hope you two are able to work past this. My thoughts are with you.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra

Dear Lover_in_distress,

You do know that I shoot from the hip don't you? And I live by the creed to say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean. I am going to be as sensitive as possible and I will tell you the same thing I would tell any one of my own sons, if they came to me with the same situation, ok?

First of all, I feel there was a lot of drama, unnecessary drama, attention seeking drama. While it's understandable that you would be concerned for Miranda, especially if she was insinuating a suicide attempt, I would surely ask you, if you think her behavior is within the norm? Now, far be it from me to down play her emotions but do you really feel it was necessary for her to take it as far as she did, namely, getting as upset as she did about her sister, punching the locker and threatening suicide? Take a look at this.

My fiance' threatened suicide when I was moving to Long Island from Pittsburgh. If you want to read about it, I had written, baring my soul, in this post. On one hand, I thought he was being extremely emotional. On the other hand, I was truly concerned, scared to say the least. On one hand, I felt he must be crazy, while on the other, I felt so guilty over leaving him. It was an awful situation. One side of me, if the truth were known, didn't believe a word he was saying and the other was petrified that he meant it. The point is that we should never not take someone serious who states, implies, insinuates suicide. My beau ultimately killed himself. This was the Lesson of a Lifetime.

I am painfully aware of the ramifications of suicide, threat of suicide and the way it holds those we love, emotionally hostage. As well, it's extremely agonizing to me, bordering excruciating, to admit this but I too have behaved badly and I have attempted suicide. I am being sincere when I say that I understand the emotions behind a suicide threat. And I bare all, simply so you might see that I speak from experience. My boyfriend/fiance' was not my first initiation into the hush hush, Hemlock Society, type of thinking, emotion either. I've been around the block, a time or two, have seen more than most and maybe even felt and experienced more than most?

Long story short; It's selfish as hell to threaten suicide, especially for dramatic purpose and intent and especially, if you're just being theatrical , seeking attention and so on. We can't read their minds, you can't read Miranda's mind and we don't know if she's actually serious or histrionic? Was she being melodramatic? Now, I am not holding any Ace up my sleeve, there's no magic here but I'd be willing to bet that she was being a bit theatrical. More importantly, I think you need to suggest that she might seek counseling. This may set her off but if you don't say it, it would be the first of many mistakes...

Having said all that and letting the cat out of the bag, I'll ask you to take a long hard look at her behavior, above and beyond all of this. Well Babz, what are you talking about?

Quite honestly, I think her behavior towards you has been rather unfair(we'll give her credit as maybe she can't help it and needs this counseling). See, I think you just so happen to be a nice guy. I also think that she has, on more than one occasion, taken advantage of your nice guy persona. But my intent is not to rile you up and it's certainly not to cause you to get angry and break up with her.

White Hat/Black Hat/Gray Hat

They say "nice guys finish last." I happen to believe there's some validity to that statement. Unfortunately, in this world, you have people, men and women alike, who are just mean spirited, users, gold diggers, etc. and they seem to have/get it all. Quite frankly, I'd rather be able to look myself in the mirror but I'd be lying if I didn't admit a bit of jealousy, in a fleeting glimpse. I mean, I would sure enjoy having the mentality to marry for money, like some women and men do. Realistically though, I will quickly shake it off and report to myself and God that I am doing my best to be a better person. But I have noticed an attraction, that I readily admit, to bad boys. It has been my demise from day one. And I think a lot of women are attracted to that "bad boy" persona. Have you noticed this?

Now, I am not telling you to be a bad boy. No, I like you just the way you are. I do however, want you to change a few things. See, girlfriend believes she's got you wrapped around her little finger. Yes, even subconsciously, a girl is capable of doing this. It's possible and rather plausible to think that your girlfriend thinks you are predictable and that you'll be there whether she calls you or not? Predictable can be boring too! You need to wear a gray hat...

Let me point out something to you, to put things into perspective. OK, if she didn't respond and ignored her/a girlfriend, who had, in a caring and loving manner, inquired how she was doing, when she'd gone out of her way to send message after message, text and voice mail and Miranda didn't respond, they wouldn't stay girlfriends for very long. Yes, it's just common courtesy, a kindergarten premise, when someone inquires about you, especially in a time of crisis such as this, to have the common decency to respond back. Am I right or am I right?

In conclusion, I feel Miranda has taken advantage of a good thing, intentional or not. If she really does care, she should treat you, first and foremost as her best friend. Look very carefully at this and any other relationship you have; If you are not best friends with this girl, which is a must, you have nothing. Understand?

Put on that gray hat, make it clear to her that you would appreciate it if she could at least let you know she's all right, when you inquire, simply out of respect. Take the kid gloves off. I understand your going easy with her, nice and slow because of what happened to her but that does not give her license to be inconsiderate to you. Unless of course, you are desperate?

I think not...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


suicide

A Move Before Anger

Dear Aunt B,

I have been best friends with my roommate since 3rd grade. Two and a half years ago we got an apartment together and everything has been great. About 6 months ago she started dating a new guy, which is great,but lately it is starting to become a problem for me. He stays at our apartment 3-4 nights a week and I am starting to feel like he is almost living here, except he doesn't chip in for rent. When he is here the two of them take over the apartment so I often end up sitting in my room for the evening. I like her boyfriend and I am glad my roommate is so happy but I don't really want to live with a couple. I don't want to tell her not to hangout with him so often but I really can't take this living situation much longer. I want to move out and get my own apartment but I'm not sure how to go about that without destroying my friendship. My roommate doesn't really have anyone else to live withand I know her parents wouldn't let her live with a boyfriend before marriage but on the other hand I feel like I have to do what will make me happy because I know they won't change. My roommate has also become very distant and confrontational since she started dating this guy so I have a bad feeling that whatever I say she is going to take it the

wrong way. Am I over reacting? What should I do? HELP!Thanks!

Dear Reader,

You know, it’s hard to live with a person once life altering things happen to either party. No matter the relationship (friends, lovers, siblings, whatever) co-habitation is one of the hardest things to deal with because we are all so different. So the fact that you two have been friends forever will probably help you in this situation.

If you want to move out from this situation, it is best to do it now before you get too angry and let words get the better of you. What I mean, is you don’t want to get into a huge blow out and then move and ruin your relationship.

You should let your friend know that you feel her and her boyfriend need more privacy, and you also need a bit more freedom in your living arrangement. You can tell her that the two of you are totally cool, and that you are really happy for her, but it’s time that you tried to pursue other things in your life too but you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship. Continue with the fact that you think it’s time to move out on your own because single life is different from couples life no matter how much you want to deny it, and you think that it’s best to come to an arrangement where you would both be good.

Maybe by giving two months notice instead of one if she can’t afford housing. It will give her time to find something or figure out what she wants to do move back in with her folks, etc).

In any case, the best possible thing you could do is move. You don’t want to ruin your relationship, and it’s hard not to get involved with things when they happen in your house. Feeling resentment for the boyfriend always hanging around, or the fights you and your friend get into isn’t going to simmer down any time too soon. So it’s better to let that be, and just move on.

I think if you are honest but not blunt or hurtful, that you can manage to move out without too much fighting over it. In the end, it would be up to her on how she wants to react, but honestly any true friend would see the strain it is causing you and be thankful that you are giving her so much time to figure things out.

Hope this helps you a little, and I hope you and your friend can see that this is just about accommodation, not friendship.

Take care and good luck!

~Xmichra.