License to Disrespect

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My name is Sarah, My sister is a year and a few month older than me. Growing up we have been close and distant due to so many family problems. Either my sister left home, or went to university, and when she returned I was at university etc etc, so we have not spent our entire lives at each others sides. However due to the so many problems it has created a level of trust and a bond between us.

My sister is 23 and I am 21. She has serious anger issues and is known for her moody ways, if something doesnt go her way she will wail and scream, but she is fair at heart. She has just got married, and it hurt me to let go of her, thinking that maybe this is the start of another beginning for us.

My sister always thinks she knows best, always shouts at me, and the guy she married takes her side and its as if they both gang up on me. When its nothing to do with him. She recently called me a bad sister, saying that i have never been there for her, and the only time she hears from me is when i have problems...........................being so untrue i was so hurt i didnt bother responding.

I have given her countless amounts of money, and try my best to be there for her but it seems she is never happy. On her wedding day i tried to help with all the arrangements but when i try and help she has such a specific way of how things are done she doesn't want my help. So i cant win either way. I was trying to add some accessories to her, and when i couldn't do it she stormed out in her dress in a tantrum saying can nobody do anything for me!!! its my wedding day!!! i have to do everything myself!!! bearing in mind i am not to sure as to the in's and out's of a wedding..this was my first.

she can be so loving but at the same time so nasty, i don't confide in her anymore now as she has blatantly said she doesn't want to know my problems. its so unfair as when we were younger all i did was listen to her.......i always described it as 'i would hold her hairspray, mirror and accessories as she would walk around' if she wasn't happy with the way she looked......she would be in a mood. everything revolved around her.

i love her so so much, i guess just knowing that we are ok makes me feel a peace but she makes me so miserable sometimes, and that i am at fault. she is on her honeymoon now, and has text me no hi or hello just 'where is my makeup!!!!! i need it!!' and yet i offered to help pack her things but she blew up and refused.....

please please can you help me?????

Dear Sarah,

It sounds to me, like big Sister needs to be spanked. She is behaving like a selfish Princess. Sorry to say, quite often, it is very difficult to make someone of that caliber, see the light. If they were able to look in the mirror and see themselves, as they truly are and as they behave, they'd have already changed that behavior.

There are a few things, you can do though, if nothing else, to empower yourself. For starters, do not tolerate her speaking down to you. At the start of it, you calmly inform her, that you will not be spoken to, in that manner or fashion. You inform her that you will not be treated any other way, than she's willing to be treated. Watch the look on her face, once you've stated your demand.

I like that you are able to see her good qualities, even in your hurt and anger. This shows me that you are able to put things into perspective, you are able to try to be unbiased and see her good side, as well as the bad. Sounds to me, like you have the ability to be fair and just. Maybe your sis, needs some "Just" tough love.

Write Her A Letter

I would start by writing her a letter, one she'll receive, upon her return. In that letter, you let her know, you are able to see her good qualities. At the start of the letter, you make sure she knows that you have her best interest, at heart and you are writing this letter, simply because, you want your relationship, to be the best it can be. You tell her that, while you realize that you have family obligation to her, as a sister and you will always love her, right now, she's left a real bad taste in your mouth. In fact, while you will always love her, at the moment, you don't like her too much. You then tell her, the reason for this letter, is to change this.

You must make her aware that, first off, when you two do have a heated discussion or argument, her husband has absolutely no business sticking his nose in it. You tell her, you will no longer tolerate him, in family business. Tell her why; he is not able to be unbiased, will always side with her no matter what and between sisters, it's simply none of his business. He needs to back up and mind his P's & Q's.

Secondly, you will never again tolerate her speaking to you, as she has. You give her an ultimatum; Be respectful or keep your mouth shut. She will treat you, like she would treat anyone else, outside the family. She thinks because you are family, that it gives her license to disrespect you. Take that license back and simply put, you will not allow it. If she continues to have these outbursts of immature behavior, when she doesn't get her way, you will not speak to her, until such time as she sees just how ridiculous, that behavior is. Let her know that she's done it for the last time. Tell her also that while you realize, she was under duress, she has no business talking to you, as she did, has and you have grown quite weary of her inconsiderate words.

Let her know, in this letter, that you hope and pray, that she will look at all this, look in the mirror and ask herself, if she would allow others to treat her, as she treats you?

I have a little Sister, a Princess too. Every now and again, I have to let her know that I am not going to tolerate any disrespect. She will not take her bad days out on me, she will not disrespect me and if she wants me, to treat her with respect, I will command it, myself.

See, I think your sis, has been allowed to get away with the behavior, for far too long. I dare say, that it is your choice to allow it, huh? This is typical, what they call, "Passive," and quite often, there are people that do take advantage of passive people. Thus far, in your brief letter, you have proven the premise. But I only know all this because I was and still be, "Passive-Aggressive." Now, that's a clinical term but in my world, it means that, I have not been assertive and stated my needs or requirements, in any relationship. In the past, those that might prey upon the passive, had taken advantage of me. Then, all of a sudden, I would burst into flames, go crazy and let them have it. Of course, they thought I was crazy, I may very well be. But if I allowed it and let it go on, of course, they thought it was ok to talk to me any kind of way or to hurt my feelings. They'd have complete disregard, for my pain, in the process and completely disrespect me. I allowed it, all along. Then, once I was fed up and had had enough, I got evil and told them off with a vengeance.

You must learn to be assertive. You must learn, for your own well being, happiness and health, to never tolerate what is not right. Thus far, you've stuffed it all and become pissed off and resentful. You harbor animosity and suffer in silence. Are you a martyr? I think not. Note, they can only do this, if you allow it. I had to learn to stop playing the martyr, step up to bat and say, "STOP," loud and clear.

I'd like you to make a pact with yourself, that from this point on, you will no longer tolerate abuse from your sister or anyone, for that matter. You may have to play hardball with her, for a minute. You may have to actually tell her, just how immature, she's behaving and that you want nothing more to do with it. Now, if you tell her she's behaving like a child, she'll have to look at it. One of two things will happen; She'll really look at the scenario, as a whole and/or, she'll get real pissed off. I'm betting on #2 and you can bet your bippy, it may not be pretty. You've got to be willing to stand your ground, if you really want things to change.

Take that license to disrespect, away from her. Write the letter today.

The Benchmark

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I recently got married yet before the wedding came, I was pregnant. I

decided to tell NO one in my family about this- lest they tell others at the

wedding, or feel that it was a shotgun wedding (of which it was no such

thing- we have been together for 4 years). I didn't want that kind of

burden. So I chose to wait until the day after the wedding to tell my mom

and dad. Who in turn could tell whomever they pleased. I didn't want people

looking at me "that way" during the wedding. I kept small enough that no one

would notice.

2 Days before the wedding my sister went snooping through my bags while I

wasn't home and found prenatal vitamins. My mom the OB nurse has voiced her

concerns about a pregnancy to everyone but me- so maybe she felt justified

to go looking for proof? I did not know that she had suspicions. When I came

home that evening, she proceeded to tell me in front of 3-4 other people

that she "happened" to see these vitamins as she moved my bag and if I had

something to tell everyone. I denied it, as I still did not want anyone to

think I was pregnant before the wedding. I felt that due to her snooping and

confronting me, she had no right to know. I would NEVER confront someone

with that kind of information ESPECIALLY in front of others. I felt that was

SO wrong of her. She is very confrontational - at her work, to my parents,

her sisters, etc. and I always try to be the "bigger" sister and don't say

anything. I figured this was the end of the story because I felt I was clear

that NO, I wasn't pregnant, and NO, those vitamins were no grow my hair or

some such. I also told her that if she wanted to confront me about such an

issue in the future, I would appreciate it if she did it in private. She

hemmed and hawed and said we were private, that no one else could hear us-

but I felt her approach was totally wrong- and for once I stood up for

myself and said something about it. I thought that was the end.

Well, now it is one month past the wedding. I am starting to tell friends

that were at the wedding about my news. A friend called me who will be

visiting next month, and I told her I was pregnant. She said she already new

that I was pregnant. I said how? She said on my wedding night, my sister

asked if I had told her the good news. She said no- but asked if I was

pregnant . MY sister said yes! But she asked my friend a leading question-

what else could it be to ask if she knew special news the night of my

wedding. Then, she said my sister had had too much to drink and thats probably

why she said something. Please remember that the night before she asked me

if I were pregnant and I said NO. I obviously didn't want anyone to know,

especially once she had confronted me in such a rude way. My friend had

already left for home once I told my family- my mom and dad, rather- so

there would be no way for her confirm or deny such a thing. I believe she

was just trying to be nasty and make me look bad or spread rumor. I had told

no one yet- she still could not have known. And she should not have asked my

friend if I had told her the special news- when I hadn't even told my sister

yet.

Yesterday, I called her and told her what my friend had said she did. First

she apologized, then she denied it. Then she tried to turn it around and say

I was a bad sister for thinking she would do such a thing. She seems so

confrontational, so insincere that I really believe my friend that it

happened. There would be no motive for my friend to fabricate such a story!

Then she said she, in reality, was just really happy that we were having a

baby, etc. There is so much background to this story. But her boyfriend has

2 children- now he is her fiance- and she wanted him to disown the children

so she would not have to have any burden of raising them. She said she did

not like the way their mother and grandparents were raising them. She is

always nasty to my niece and nephew when they come over, same thing- she

says she doesn't like the way they are being raised. Then she will turn

around and try to be really nice. I should also say she has been diagnosed

bipolar- so none of this surprises me. I just don't believe her spreading my

"BIG"news around was her way of being happy for me. We had never discussed

it, not had I told her that I was expecting. I think she was trying to be

rotten. Now that she is known bipolar- she is SO confrontational, so moody,

so irrational and then tries to blame it all on her disorder. Some of it

yes- but I believe that she is taking a huge liberty here, and just uses her

disorder to blame her bad behavior on.

I hate confrontation. There are many times when people walk all over me

just because I don't want to confront them or cause conflict. I just felt

she had gone too far. She needed to be confronted so this would not happen

again, so she would know this was wrong to do to people and that third, I

did not like or appreciate her behavior.

Now I am the one who feels guilty. Did I ruin my relationship with my

sister? Did I ever even have a relationship? Are my parents going to take

her side when she runs crybaby to tell them how terrible I am? How mean, how

rude, etc. I believe in my heart that I did the right thing confronting her.

I waited 3 days before telling her I was upset- as not to do anything

irrational. I never raised my voice. I listened to her excuses on the phone.

When she apologized, I told her I forgave her. I told her I would never do

such a thing to her (and I never have). I even emailed her after the

conversation and told her I wanted our communications to be between us, not

through 3rd parties such as our mother. If we have issues with one another,

we should talk to each other- not 3rd parties and the grapevine. Then I

told her in the email that the case was closed, I forgave her and that I

loved her.

I am still upset or I wouldn't be writing this email. I feel like she will

make it awkward at family gatherings- she will make a point of not speaking

to me or have further confrontation. When I still will feel like she is the

one who brought this upon herself.

Any advice? Am I wrong? Mislead? Self centered?

HELP!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I feel you on this. It actually pissed me off too and I had to sit and wonder what lil' sister's motives were?

Before I even, address this, I want to make a point. The saying "Forgive & Forget" does not mean, we allow people to walk all over us. I do think, even if we put it in Biblical terms, God is merciful and forgives us but that does not mean, we never have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Equally important, is the fact that your sister, can never really be truly sorry for what she has done, if she doesn't really understand, the ramifications of her trespass/transgression against you.

Little Sister behaved, in an extremely, immature way and it just screams jealousy, if you ask me. I think you still need to address this. Let me remind you, you must be true to yourself and use all the tools at your disposal. This is obviously still weighing upon you or you'd not have written me, right? So, in the context of being true to yourself, I think the subject is not over and you have every right to get it all out, put it into perspective for your sister and find closure, after you have made her more than aware, just how the cow jumps over the moon. Saying you forgive someone, is the easy part. It's working through that hurt and anger, that you rightfully own. I'd say, it's enough to piss off a preacher, what she did to you. I mean, we count on our sisters to share in our joy, not hinder it. Even the smallest detail, of the fact that she'd gone through your things, is a clear violation. We all have personal boundaries and she stepped on yours. We have to ask ourselves, just why would she want to tell, this little secret, for one thing? The second question is; Motive?

I for one, think, she wanted her butt to shine. It's so transparent that she wanted to make herself look good, while you look like the traditional, illegitimate carrying, do not wear white, bride. I think it was an evil move, unscrupulous and down right dirty. Now, I am not trying to piss you off even more, (Sorry, "pissed off" are the words of the day here?) but I do believe we need to handle this, in an *Assertive way.

I have been, in the past, considered Passive-Aggressive. Now, there are so many definitions of this and none are favorable. But my terminology for this particular behavior/life style or behavioral pattern, and what sums mine up, was this;
I would take it and take it. I would allow people, to do or say things, that I didn't like, for the most part because I was non confrontational. I would over look it or let it go. Then, all of a sudden, this person(s), does something, which I've allowed them to do, to get away with and I brew. I cloud up and rain all over them, making them believe I am truly psychotic. I am still guilty of this from time to time but my"episodes" are less frequent because I have become what I lovingly refer to as an "Assertive Bitch." I wear my favorite Bitch Belt.

See, there's a difference between showing self-control of your emotions and stuffing them. Some emotions, i.e., anger, hurt, pain and so on, can be rather damaging to us. In fact, they can eat us alive. If we do not communicate how we feel, little is resolved. Stress and anger can kill. If nothing else, they hold our human spirit, hostage. You need to free yourself from this.

I often write, that I feel one of the best forms of communicating, complex feelings and emotion, is through writing it all down. Write a letter to your sister.

In your letter, you need to state how she made you feel, what the ramifications were and the fact that the only way this can be resolved, is for her to understand what she has done. Make it clear, your intention is not to make her pay for the infraction but to understand it.

If you feel betrayed, write it. If it angered and frustrated you, write it. If it embarrassed you, write it. Whatever those feelings are, that you grapple with, hurt, pain, betrayal, (which by the way, I would feel every one listed) you write it in the letter.

It seemed a bit vindictive, if you ask me. I mean really, what Sister would go out of her way, which she clearly did, to make it so extremely visible that you were pregnant. She took it on like a mission. Now, You must take on the mission, of making your Sister, painfully aware of how bitterly she has behaved. Ask her why she is so bitter, towards you. Take full responsibility for anything, you may have done in the past, to have hurt her enough, for her to feel the need, to put you in your proverbial place.

It sounds to me, like your Sister has been allowed to run rampant and dish out the nastiness, unchecked and unbridled. She needs to know, it will never be tolerated again. If she wants to make amends, it will be through her own personal responsibilty and accountability for her crude, rude and socially unacceptable attitude. Yes, some of us, do walk around, self-absorbed, self-will run riot and until somebody calls us on our stinky crap, we just don't see how bad it smells. Yes, it stinks to high heaven and it should be your ulterior motive, not to hurt her, not to put her in her place but to make her aware of how she presents herself to others.

Finally, if you can't count on and trust your family, you've nothing. She must understand that of all people in the world, you'd think that you'd be the last, she'd want to hurt. But by her actions, your memory of your wedding has been tainted. Ask her if this was her wish? Tell her that she can deny it to your face but deep down, you know the truth. Then, you tell her that you love her. You never want to relinquish your relationship, as sister's. It all starts with love but respect is a must. She treated you with a complete lack of respect and her actions speak only of a vindictive and mean spirited scenario. Then, you tell her, if this was her motive, to hurt you, to show no respect, to betray you and to stain a memory, she was successful.

But you then point out to her, what she was not successful at;

She failed miserably as a stand-up woman, garnering any level of respect from you. She failed miserably at taking responsibility for her actions. She failed miserably at pretending to be a mature and a loving Sister. She failed miserably as a friend, which sisters should be.


Then, you ask her, if you'd done this to her and put her business on the street, would she be so easily or readily able, to forgive? And how can we resolve this because you do love her and you do not want this as the deciding factor, the benchmark for your relationship with her?

Aunt Babz

PS, Another way...email her this entire correspondence.

*Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Assertive people

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

• They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• They know their rights.
• They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It mean that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.
• They have a good understanding of feelings of the person they are communicating with.

Guilt Trip 101

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I have a problem with my sister. Recently, I found out from my mother that she (my sister) was saying that I was lazy and that she is never paying for my airline ticket again to visit. Now, I was on a visit at this last Christmas with my sister in which she paid for my airline ticket. It was a family reunion.

She seems to think that I should have been more helpful in lending a hand in cleaning up etc. As I recall, I did do some dishes and sweep as it was only a 1 week visit. I don't know why she would say this to my mother but I think it has to be something else. My other sister was also visiting at the same time.

A little background, she and I were never close growing up and she was more closer to my other sister and they were pals and still are.

She never showed me a kind face when I visited her and when I did speak to her about anything she seemed to not be interested in what I had to say or pay any attention to my even speaking. She seemed to smile and pay attention to everyone else speaking to her except for me. She seemed very snobby to me.

To me, she seems to be a workaholic as she never seems to sit still and is always doing something.

She recently told my mother that I was lazy and she is never paying for my airline ticket again(which she has been doing for many years without me asking her to do so).

The problem is she has really hurt my feelings and I feel betrayed by her saying that I am lazy. I don't think I am a lazy person and I have a handicapped child that I have had to take care of and I have been through my own personal hell in raising him but I love him regardless.

I feel like I have been stabbed in the back by her and I am so upset with her that I feel like calling her and telling her off but because my mother asked me not to say anything I am not sure what I should do. My mother babysits for her and cleans her homes you see so I would put my mother in a bad position if I said anything to my sister. I am just so upset and hurt by this and the cold behavior she had shown to me at Christmas time.

I have a feeling she is just jealous of when my other sister and I are together and share jokes and enjoy each other's company. That is what I feel is behind her nasty remark made to my mother behind my back, just jealousy.

There seems to be a competition from her to have my sister's attention etc.

Should I just swallow this feeling and try to get over it or should I say something to my other sister about my feelings (the one that I get along with) and have her pass on this information to the snobby sister which I am sure she would do since they are very pals.

Would it not be in my best interest to say anything at all to anyone and just not ever visit her anymore. I will miss seeing my 2 nieces that I love ...because of this problem.

I feel she apparently hates me maybe because of the attention my other sister gives me.

I don't know what to do about this but every day that passes I get more pissed off and hurt.

Please help me in finding a resolution to my hurt feelings about this matter.

Thank you kindly.

Janet.


Dear Janet,

First, let me validate your feelings by telling you that I would be upset too. I think her comment was designed to be kept secret but designed to make you look bad and her good. It was an attempt to make her look like the Golden Child, the Hard Worker, the best of the best. But we see through it, now don't we?

I imagine if I'd flown somewhere, even at a family members house, I would view it, as somewhat of a vacation and I was not brought there to work? Helping out is one thing. Drying the dishes or something to that effect, is one thing but is it possible she thought you were supposed to run the vacuum, then, shampoo the carpets?

I don't know, the whole story here but I take care of my Autistic nephew and it is beyond taxing. I love him dearly but he is six years old and I am 48. You can bet your bum that I fall out at night after chasing after him, wrestling and cleaning up after him. So, if I were invited somewhere, I'd be searching for a break and I would think it would be with family. You would think they'd see this but truly, your one sister has aspired to miss the true meaning of life. Let me explain...

Some people, measure themselves by how hard they work. Some measure themselves by how hard they work at getting out of work. Neither are healthy. My own Mother was, note the word, "WAS," one of those work till your fingers bleed, kinda gals. She instilled in me, a similar unhealthy outlook and I have worked myself sick. While it is good to have a good work ethic, keep a tidy home and not be a pig, it is soooooo unhealthy to think this is the benchmark of who you are. I think that is what your Sister would like to be. She goes around, "Hey everybody, look at me, I work harder than anybody else." Excuse me, I have to go throw up. Be right back...lol!

It is actually sad, this whole state of affairs. But I've seen it countless times, hell, I grew up in a similar situation. Old school dictates, that it's a complete embarrassment, a faux paus, for everything, not be neat and tidy, dishes done, everything put away, laundry done and folded. The yard must be mowed to perfection, shrubs and hedges clipped, house painted, car washed. Take little Matilda to piano lessons, take Johnny to soccer practice, Chelsea has to go to Ballet. The and the dog needs walked and we must make sure the garbage is put out on the curb at exactly sun down and not before and pick up any debris that has flown into your yard, my God, what would the Jones' say about all this? We have to do this and get a better car because what would the Jones' tell the Smiths? The truth of the matter is... those families don't talk, their kids are mixed up and pretty soon, Mr. Jones is going to have a heart attack because he works himself into the ground. But when they do his Eulogy, they'll be sure to mention that he worked hard all his life and had the tidiest yard in the neighborhood. They won't mention that Mrs. Jones was having an affair because she craved the love her husband used to give her, when they first met, before his priorities, were not to work all the time. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture? I have the feeling that your sister was looking for fault and that is what she pulled out of her rear axle. I don't think it's the true issue here, your lack of helping, with the cleaning during a visit. So, what is the true nature of her beef?

As I said, my own Mom was like that. She was constant and always working, never stopping to smell the roses, much less make time for family. I don't know if it was my letter to her that changed that. I'd like to think it was but I pointed out that I had figured out the secrets to life;
Love, Laughter and Family. If we allow all the other things to stand in the way of what is important, we are not living right. Have dinner with family and let the dishes sit, they can wait. Take that precious time, to find out how your family is and enjoy their company. If my kids came to visit me or my family, I'd only do the dishes that I needed to do. Thank goodness for the dishwasher. I'd have cleaned before they came and only do what was absolutely necessary. I sure as hell wouldn't expect them, to do or start cleaning. I would treat them like company, like royalty because I value them just like royalty. I'm not wasting valuable time on doing housework. I don't care if I've got to step over shit, to get to them, that's what I will do to spend that time with them and them alone. I am not encouraging filth, I am encouraging priorities.


Life is Too Short


"Life is too short for the dumb shit." I know this is crude but it is my saying. I think you understand this concept, however, your sister does not. So how can we help her understand? We also don't want to betray Mom's confidence. I find it hard to swallow, first off, a woman who throws her opinion out there, like she is all that but has her own mother clean her home and watch her children. That speaks to me, big time. It tells me that she is hypocritical and she certainly has a self-esteem issue. She wants to make you look bad, so she looks better. By buying your ticket all this time, she looks like the Queen of Turd Island and you will pay homage to the Queen. I am not trying to piss you off but to give you back your power. You may not be in the position to pay for these tickets, so you may visit? If you can afford it, stop allowing her to pay for it. It makes her feel superior and I don't think she's been doing it out of the kindness of her heart. If you can take that away from her, do it.

As I said, life is too short and your sister does not realize this. We need to give her a big fat dose of perspective. I realize that you are angry and would love nothing more, than to tear into her, in fact, I'd be willing to bet, you are grinding your teeth on this one. I would be. But we want things to work, not make it worse and we want to win. So, let me introduce you to my class;
Guilt Trip 101


I am a huge fan of letter writing. If you've read any of my other posts, almost every answer has something to do with writing a letter. There's a reason for this. When someone reads a letter, you have captured their attention, uninterrupted by rebuttal. Your feelings are laid out, well planned and choreographed, carefully worded. When you confront someone in person, especially in a scenario, such as this, the stakes are kind of high. If they don't have complete composure, they tend to put up a wall and they really don't hear you. They may take a defensive stance and never hear a word you say. In turn, you may not say what needs to be said or speak from the heart because your own anger may cloud the real issues. Finally, confrontation out of anger, is rarely a fix all. It usually makes things worse. You'll be hard pressed to put a sister in place who has all the components of an egotist with a flip side of low self-esteem. Go figure?
We want to make an impact, make her think, make a change, huh? There's really only one way to do this...guilt trip. I know, it's down and dirty, it's underhanded, it's just what we have to do.

The Letter


You start the letter by pointing out, that you love your Sister, immensely. You tell her that, for whatever reason, you are aware that your relationship is strained and you do not understand why? You tell her that life is too short and if something were to happen to her tomorrow, it would be regrettable if you, knowing what you know, didn't try to make it better. You tell her that if there was something in your past, that you did to her, that hurt her, you want to apologize. You say, that you would appreciate it, if you both, for the sake of family, could wipe the slates clean, (notice I said, "SLATES" in plural). You tell her, that it does not sit well with you, for a sister that you love, dearly, to dislike you so much and it actually hurts. You say that you do not know what is is that makes her feel as she does about you but you can feel the distance and it hurts. You tell her that, you feel that she probably loves you but, you can tell that she does not "like you." You'd like to change that because you only get one family and they'll never be another sister like her. God forbid, if she were to leave this earth tomorrow, you'd want her to know that she was loved. You point out that you two are different, with different lives and interests but once again, life is too short to miss the opportunity to tell someone that you care, that you want your relationship to be good and you want to enjoy each other's company, when you visit. You then mention, the fact that you could feel something wasn't right and it hasn't been right for TOO LONG. You then say, that you do not want to go any longer with things as they are. Finally, you ask her, "What can we do to fix this, to heal the situation?"

If you have hurt her, you may not be aware of it. But I have the feeling that she's just been pious. Still, all of this will make her think, really what is her problem with you. You have not handed her the whole plate, only that if you hurt her and this is why she has behaved as she has, then let's fix it. You have now deferred and projected onto her, that for the sake of the family, she should try to fix this. Life is far too short for games and wasted time. Family is for love and laughter and without it, life truly sucks. I hope you can work this out.




This comment was sent to Aunt B. It is from the author of the original question. I have answered her comment. Please read...

Dear Aunt B.

Thank you for your advice on the problem with my sister and her calling me Lazy.

I knew there had to be more to that Lazy comment directed towards me..... and your information on how past hurts that I have done to her is right on the money.

I was a young teen and I used to call her fat and chubby and make fun of her all the time and later I used to secretly tell my other sister (the one I got along with) that she was so cold like a bitch...at least I think it was a secret....maybe not so secret after all.......I think I did that mostly because I didn't like the snobby way she used to treat me even then as a kid. I guess in a way I was trying to make her like me like she liked my other sister.

I know that calling anyone a name is wrong and hurtful and it comes back to bite you one day. Kids do and say cruel things to each other and I am guilty of hurting her in the past with the fat jokes. I can't believe how cruel as a child I could be to her and dare I say it, Mean to her. On another note, my other sister made fun of her fat too.

But I guess she is getting me back now...especially since she is rich now and i am not....she is slim and I am the chubby one now.

She has everyone in my family under her control with her money and the free trips and cruises she can offer them....and for a while me also. I looked at the free tickets as her love for me and her caring about me...but little did I know...it was just to show me how rich and powerful she is and all the houses she has and Rolexes and diamonds.....and cars....literally rub my nose in it.

You have opened up my eyes as to the possible real reason by her attitude and treatment towards me.

And yes I will try to write her the guilt trip letter but I am not sure what I will say without letting the cat out of the bag that our mother mentioned the Lazy comment to me....I am still pissed off with her though.

I will try to do my best in depleting my anger ....and instead.....expressing my love for her and tell her how sorry I am for hurting her in the past and let's clear Slates as you say for family's sake. I think I am finding it hard to think I could write a letter to her and express my feelings to someone who is so cold and to me could care less. I fear her rejection and belittlement of me if I were to tell her sorry for past hurts that i have caused her. I feel this would empower her more over me...to treat me bad...or to make her look even better than me.

It also seems to me that by appearing as she does to be cold that she is protecting herself from being ruled by emotions which could make her appear weak and break down her "I am perfect and in control of everything and everyone facade."

I do feel sorry for her that she lives with an abusive husband who controls her every move by the way...i don't think i mentioned that part...he is a rich well to do Doctor...not all doctors are Gods, this one is a total asshole...and i am not the only one that thinks so...believe me.

But she loves the power that all the money can buy and do...especially when it comes to her family. She loves to flash her diamonds and her expensive Rolex watches to family...and her many homes.

I guess that makes up for the abuse she takes from her husband and yes he is also critical of her weight if she gains even more than 5 lbs. He is a pig.....but that is another story.

I hope I don't seem like I am still the kid calling names....I have had my share of abuse from her husband too. Our entire family has in fact...with money as the weapon to hold over us and keep you us down in the dungeon as they stomp on you and throw you a bone every now and then to let you know much they really do care for you.

My mother told me it is just an act she does to disguise her unhappiness.

I will let you know Aunt B if I do get up the guts to write that letter and what I said and the outcome if any.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I really do appreciate it. You are very smart and all knowing, my hats off to you :-).

We have both grown from this, can you see that? I am always learning from what I read and how people perceive things, how they take their bumps and lumps and the interchangeable way people choose to look at things. I think you have a good attitude and one which is reasonable. I don’t think you are wrong in the least bit for feeling the way you do, about all of this. I think most would agree with you and it is perceptive that you see through your sister’s facade.

I agree with you, I don’t think she’s trying to buy your love but maybe buying your respect. Of course, she’s going about it, in all the wrong ways. Money doesn’t buy everything, huh? Although, it can be a temporary fix and I’d rather cry in a Lexus than a Volkswagen, with an Ann Taylor suit, Rolex and Prada handbag, it sure don’t get ya no happiness. Nope, happiness resides in the heart, not in what we own. But for us real folks, she knows that she can hit the hardest, by trying to make us look up to her and her money. What’s the best way to do that? By holding it over our heads and being the answer to our problems, financially. You have to pity that mentality and I’m not sure if I’d want to trade places with her. Having said that, I want you to realize that I would rather be you, the one who has empathy, knows laughter, is genuine and knows the difference. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you are trying to better yourself. Be proud of the fact, that you can look in the mirror and see the truth. But let me take you one more step…

I don’t know how Spiritual, you are but I do believe that there is a Higher Power and we will one day answer for our lives, our behavior. How we play the game is important, how we treat others, is even more important. But all in all, we must be true to ourselves, right?

Anger kills. It can keep a good man down and make a strong woman crumble. Staying angry about something, a situation like this, well, you are the one suffering more than anyone else. I’d like to see you get past your anger and your own pain. I also realize that you have dealt with this pain, most of your life, huh? Get your power back. Right now, I hate to say but you’ve handed it, your power, to your sister and she’s playing with it like a stress ball; squeezing it, squashing it, throwing it against the wall. Don’t think that I am telling you anything other than, what I’ve had to realize on my own, what I have had to come to grips with. You are no less or weaker than me, we just hadn’t seen the whole shebang. It’s time for you to take it back.

Write that letter and use some of the phrases or the way I have worded a few things. They are chock full of reason. Your apology, the way I worded it, is empowering, yet you are not bearing the “all” of it. Re-read what I asked you to say, in the letter. It is actually, a carefully orchestrated piece. Try to use it to your advantage. By writing her this letter, you have tried to do your part, to make this better. Not only that, you have now, dumped, it in her lap, the deferred responsibility, of trying to make this work.

When it comes down to it, what I want for you is to get back your power. My feeling is that, your sister may be stuck in her stuck-up world. You may make her aware of your intent, your feelings and your desire for things to be or get better. But the reality of this is that, it may be no more than a quick fix. I hope it is groundbreaking. In the event that it is not, I would still love for you to see yourself, in a whole new light.

You get more bees with honey, than vinegar, right? You smile, hold your head up and know that you are a better person for trying to make this better. See, the objective here, is that you will be able to live your life, with one less handicap. This handicap is just as real as your child’s; you just can’t see it as easily.

I have Intuition, we’ll say. I can see that you are such a good and caring person. You are not a pushover and you have the ability to see things, others do not see. You have empathy and compassion. You do not go out of your way to hurt others or to step on their toes. You mind your own business and you are a loyal friend but private. You are so disgusted by your sister’s jealous behavior, not to mention her snooty persuasion. You are better than this. You are a much better person and as you can see, she is not better off because she has money. She’s a bitter person. Do not emulate her. Do not wish you had what she has. The truth of the matter is this; you are the richest of the sisters. You have what she does not; Heart. Some people will never know the secrets to life but you do. Do not let her take you down, not one more day. Take that burr out of your saddle by writing the letter. Then, throw on your cowgirl hat and ride high in that saddle.

ohmibod