In Your Shoes

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have been best friends with my roommate since 3rd grade. Two and a half years ago we got an apartment together and everything has been great. About 6 months ago she started dating a new guy, which is great, but lately it is starting to become a problem for me. He stays at our apartment 3-4 nights a week and I am starting to feel like he is almost living here, except he doesn't chip in for rent. When he is here the two of them take over the apartment so I often end up sitting in my room for the evening. I like her boyfriend and I am glad my roommate is so happy but I don't really want to live with a couple. I don't want to tell her not to hangout with him so often but I really can't take this living situation much longer. I want to move out and get my own apartment but I'm not sure how to go about that without destroying my friendship. My roommate doesn't really have anyone else to live with and I know her parents wouldn't let her live with a boyfriend before marriage but on the other hand I feel like I have to do what will make me happy because I know they won't change. My roommate has also become very distant and confrontational since she started dating this guy so I have a bad feeling that whatever I say she is going to take it the wrong way. Am I over reacting? What should I do? HELP!
Thanks!

Dear Friend,

No, I don't feel you are over reacting, at all. I could immediately feel and I get the distinct feeling that you are being more than fair. I also think you are only trying to be considerate too. But when it's all said and done, you are right; You have to do what will make you happy.

This is one of those sticky situations where you'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Might as well grab the bull by the horns and be damned on your own terms.

If it were me, I would write a carefully orchestrated letter. I am a huge fan of writing letters and here's why. As well, I would choose my words rather diplomatically. I mean, where you can, be diplomatic, I would but you'll have to be assertive and state your needs.

If I were you, in that letter, I'd try to put things into perspective for your BF. By explaining things in terms, she can't help but understand, you may be able to save your friendship? You'll be smart to start the letter out by stating that, while you realize that writing her this letter may seem a bit impersonal, you care enough about her to design this letter so that you would minimize any bad feelings. Yes, you care enough to think it all through and the last thing you want to do, is jeopardize your long term friendship

Go on to tell her that the reason you are writing is that you have become quite uncomfortable with your living arrangements as they are. Tell her, "You must admit, that when we moved in together, it was with the understanding that it would be just the two of you. And before you think anything of it, you are not implying that your boyfriend is living with you both. But just imagine, if the shoe was on the other foot and your boyfriend spent so much time here, would you be uncomfortable, as I am?"

I would make sure, at this point, you let her know that you are more than happy for her. You are glad she's found love and you enjoy seeing her happy. You wouldn't want to change a thing, in that respect. "However, I have become uncomfortable in my own home, as I believe you would also be, if you came home and I had my boyfriend there. You would feel like the 'third wheel', in the way and so on. To afford you privacy, I feel I must stay in my room, stay out of your way, simply out of consideration. This then limits my freedom within our home. I am not saying this is your fault but am simply stating the facts, my emotions. I think you would feel awkward as well, if the situation were switched? Would you or would you not feel that you wanted to be the considerate roomie, as I have tried so very hard to be and stay out of the way, so I might enjoy my time with my boyfriend? After all, when [insert name] comes to our apartment, he's there to visit you, not me? Therefore, I feel the need to go to my room. Again, I am not finding fault here, as if it were me, I would want my boyfriend around as well and I want you to be happy."

Now, I would not mention your knowledge as to her situation or rather the demands of her parents concerning her not living with a guy before marriage. I hate to say it but that's her problem, not yours. In fact, I don't mean to be cruel but she's placed you in a rather precarious position and none of this is fair to you. Sure, we want her to be happy but not at the extent of your happiness, comfort in your own home and feeling every time he comes over, as awkward as that 3rd wheel. It's just not fair but it is a situation, I just know you can relate to.

Yes, I would write the letter, making no demands upon her but simply stating your intentions, reasoning and your wish for her happiness. Making the latter clearly stated, you state that you are moving so you'll both have your privacy. Maybe then, you could point out that "she knows how private you are and that you hope she understands that you feel rather uncomfortable, as things are."

I would reiterate that you wish her the very best, it makes you so very happy that she's found love and that, you "pray, she cares enough to understand your feelings and can put herself in your shoes with an open mind and heart." If you word it this way, if she does go off about it, it'll be self evident that she obviously does not care enough to place herself in your position with that open mind and heart. In short, she was never your real friend, to begin with.

I hope she'll see things as they truly are but if she can't or won't, the eventuality of it all is short-n-sweet; You deserve a better friend, one which she obviously was not from the word go. Let's hope she can wear your shoe size, huh?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Semblence of Solvency

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My 25 year old daughter moved back home with my husband and me after living out-of-state for the past 2 years. She's working on her PhD and we agreed she could live with us for one year while she worked on her dissertation. Her target date to receive her degree is either Dec 2008 or May 2009. While we agreed on a $300/month rent, we did not draw up a formal lease like we did when she used to live with us. She has a part-time teaching job at a women's college and received some scholarship and grant monies so she does have income, albeit not a huge amount.

The problem is boundaries. She lives in the basement which is very spacious and private. She likes to nap in our living room on the main floor and watch TV in the kitchen while snacking. She doesn't straighten up the couch or the table after she's done and we find we wash up her dishes or put her things away because she gets very defensive and argumentative. She likes to get into arguments with her dad and can be very annoying with sing-song, baby talk, or talking inappropriately. For example, every day she'll say things like her "scallop reeks" (referring to her scalp) or that her stools are "fudgy" and that our dog is a "rancid-emu-piglet." For the most part her father ignores her. Because he's from another country, she likes to say things specifically to me that she knows he doesn't "get." Often she'll flap her arms and prance around obviously for the attention. We have a little dog she's fond of that she gets too close to until he growls.

When we've addressed our concerns and frustrations, she likes to drag out old issues. She will say we're picking on her, being hypercritical, or will mock us. You see, we dealt with problems with her behavior from the time she was 13 until 19 that required treatment which included meds, counseling and group homes. She was very resentful about what she had to endure and is still carrying around a lot of emotional baggage.

Her main diagnoses was anxiety,depression and low self-esteem, issues which I hoped she'd "grow out of." Her behavior was so explosive around 17 that we worried she'd even graduate from high school (so many of her friends dropped out). Well, she did and then some. She went to college, worked hard, got her bachelors, 2 masters and now is working towards her doctorate. We're very proud of her achievements but she insists on downplaying them and says we played and still play favorites with her older brother who is 30, married and a doctor.

When I suggest she pay for her own groceries ( those things only she likes to eat ) or pay for her own meals when we go out to eat, she gets upset and says she's not making much and that she's already paying us $300 she "can't afford" and that we didn't charge her brother while he was living at home and going to medical school. She makes a lot of excuses as to why she can't do this or that or seems to want us to feel guilty.

Now, her "Dr. Jekyll" side is when she goes out to her teaching job or visits colleagues because she dresses up nicely, acts appropriately, and writes brilliantly (she does book reviews and writes impressively). She's given lectures and participated in conferences. She has no deep friends at all and just hangs at home with us. I'm afraid that come next July she will say she's not gotten her degree yet and will want to extend her stay with us. I'm also afraid that our relationship is becoming more strained. Why don't I "evict" her? I guess part of me is afraid of her "dark evils" that are apparently still bothering her, problems she's never overcome. I've suggested she get counseling to deal with the anxieties and depression but she's convinced it's worthless. I don't want to push her over the edge but she's pushing us closer to ours.

"Losing Our Marbles."

Dear Losing Our Marbles,

I can feel the frustration level here, loud and clear. I think it's rather justified too, I might add. But even in situations, such as this, there are answers and compromise, to be found. Let's see if we can't find some semblance of solvency.

Have you ever noticed, quite often, that some of the most brilliant minds, have very little common sense? I can't fathom it but I see it every day, a million times over, a million examples. I don't know? You either have common sense or you don't? Then, I suppose, those of us with some common sense must often times, escort those, without, through life? Is your daughter one of those not blessed with good ol' common sense?

It sounds to me, that your daughter is certainly, a success, in many ways. I can tell you are very proud of her, rightfully so. It also sounds to me, that in some areas, her maturity level is lacking, though? At the same time, even you know her capabilities, concerning appropriate behavior. I mean, you've mentioned how well she presents, when in a studious fashion, business like and professional. So, it leaves me to believe that she behaves that way because she chooses to and feels she can. Maybe, somehow, we need to change her perception of what she can and can not do, at least whilst in your home.

Yes, let me remind you that it is your home and you are being generous, by allowing her to live there. We owe our children nothing but love, teaching of faith, values and beliefs, shelter and food, until such time as they become an adult. No, we don't owe them a college education or shelter costs, etc. or it'd be a law. Then, if it was a law, it'd be negligence, if we didn't send them or help out, concerning that education. My point is that, there's a strong possibility that she has a somewhat sense of entitlement, as to what you "owe" her. She obviously does not, realize the gift you have given, by trying to make it easier, on her, to obtain that education. Surely, she does not see, just how fortunate she is, to have that support. I employed many, many college students, struggling to make ends meet. I watched, first hand, as they had to juggle, almost full time positions and their education. So, how can we make her aware, of her good fortune and to appreciate it?

Pull Up Your Eyebrows

I'd like to slip in an awareness of perception, first though, an observation, I'd like you to look closely at and then we'll move on...

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it? It's not easy, living with anyone, not even your own spouse. Couple that with a daughter who walks on air, oblivious to her attitude, lack of good form and that good ol' common sense and you have the breeding ground for an all scale war, in the mix. You've come to the point where she's got on your last nerve with her baby talk, innuendo's and escalating argumentative attitude. But in all fairness, remember, if you are looking for fault, you will find it. Even if you don't mean to, everything she does at this point, probably drives you nuts. She's invaded your territory, rather sloppily, I might add and you may have to just address the whole shabang, in tandem. The building resentment is not healthy for you. Eventually, you'll say or do something, you may regret. Let's nip it in the bud.

I always write about putting your problematic prose on paper. Anytime I felt overwhelmed by a situation that I knew I would have difficulty addressing, I would begin to write it all down, how I felt, what I wanted from the situation and so forth. You have a captive audience and are able to say what needs to be said, with calculating accuracy. When you give the person the letter, all is said without you being cut off, from what you are trying to say, as well, the conflict is not escalated or made worse, right?

I would begin this letter, by making it very clear that you love your daughter and can not say just how proud you are of her. You'll make it clear to her, that this is why you are helping her because you want her to be successful. Then, you tell her that it is your duty as a Mother to inform her, to be honest and to say what needs to be said. I will remind you again, that this is your home. Your home has been disrupted by her behavior and lack of sensitivity to certain situations. You give her the basic requests, which are actually the ground rules but you've worded it in a manner that is not offensive or condescending, right? You'll let he know that she is an adult and must respect your home and be mindful of cleaning up after herself. It's the little things that can often matter and like wise, those little things can build big bonfires, if let go.

It's all a matter of respect. Mutual respect. No, you don't need to evict her just set the stage for how things will go in your home, that's it, that's all. Ask her how she would feel, if you came down and trashed her room or her home, left things strewn about, as if the maid was coming. It's just a clear cut case of a lack of respect. Then, you ask her if this was what she was trying to convey? If she does respect her Father and yourself, she'll be and behave in a respectful manner in your home.

On a final note, I would love to see you, walk away from at least some of that guilt, you carry, for your daughter. None of us have it great coming up. I was abused and I was not always a good Mother, myself. All we can do, is when we are made aware of something we've done wrong, either by their admission or our own, we will be big enough to apologize, a heart felt apology and learn from it. Be aware that she is using guilt to keep you in check. Don't let her do it anymore. You are doing both of you a huge disservice by allowing it to go on. It's not truthful emotion, it's not healthy and it's not fair. Your daughter needs to count her blessings and be grateful for what she has, has had and will have because of your sacrifice. Remember this.



Duty as mother is;

Time Heals All Wounds

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

me and this boy Jake have been friends for almost a year now. we have gotten really close and i consider him my go to person when i have a problem. in this time he has fallen as more than a friend for me. he says hes in love with me but i dont look at him like that. i had sex with one of his friends that i really like. he found out and wont talk to me. i tried apologizing and all he says is to leave him alone and how bad i hurt him and how much in love with me he is. now all i want is my friend back. i miss him and want him to forgive me. but all he wants is me to be his girlfriend or nothing at all. i dont know what to do. please help me

Dear Friend,

Quite the dilemma, huh? I'm not sure if there's an easy answer here. I am having a hard time, telling you what to do, other than to write him and tell him, that you appreciate the fact that he cares for you but you can be only friends. If he won't talk to you, there's no other answer than to write him. In that letter you can tell him, that you never meant to hurt him but in all due reality, he is not your boyfriend, so how could you foresee, that you would hurt him. You must tell him, that you are certainly flattered that he favors you but right now, you did not want to entertain any other feelings but friendly ones.

See, we can't make him let go of his feelings. If he loves you and means it, it would hurt him, to see you with anyone else. But those are his feelings and you can only let him know that you are sorry if it hurt him. You must stress to him that you want only to remain friends and as his friend, you would never knowingly hurt him. Tell him to please accept your apology as you value his friendship.

I don't think there's much more you can do. Time heals all wounds, this much is true. So, apologize, if you hurt him and hope that he will realize that it is not your fault if he is angry with you. Those are his feelings and while you respect them, he really has no right to be angry.

You said, "i miss him and want him to forgive me," make sure you tell him this.

Wanna Read the Latest From Aunt Babz?

Guilt Trip 101; The Mother-in-Law

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I moved to another state to be with my boyfriend. His family was nice, including his mother. When I found out I was expecting, everyone was excited except for my boyfriend's mother. She accepted the baby on and off. Until all of sudden, she stopped coming for a while and later came to insult my boyfriend, my daughter, and I. She called the baby a bastard, and said she never liked me from the start and that she had bad vibes. I find this weird because I know I get along with everyone. My boyfriend chose us over his family. It's been almost 7 months since that happened and his mother refuses to speak to him. I came from a family who are really close, and I can't stand the fact that they aren't talking. Should I talk to the mother first, woman to woman, and see if we could all work things out? If she wants to act childish, at least I could to her. Please help.


Dear Friend,

Her behavior, is surely questionable. I think I would be, understandably upset, myself, if I were in your shoes. I'm glad to hear that her son has done the right thing and stood by you but it must be difficult. We will use this exact situation, the Mother-Son relationship, to try to solve this.

Quite often, I tell people, who write me, to handle things, by writing a letter, to the person, they are having difficulties with. I say this for a reason. I hate to repeat myself, but will for your benefit;

Have you ever, been in an argument and you can't get a word in edge wise? Ever been knee deep, in debate and you're so angry, you say exactly what you don't mean? Ever had an argument and walked away mad and thought to yourself, later that you wished you'd said this or that? I know I have. Now, it is human nature, when we argue, to take a defensive stance. Quite often, any and all of what we say, is lost in the heat of the moment, lost in translation. It may fall on deaf ears because the person we have the tiff or disagreement with, is pissed off and is only thinking of a snappy and snide comeback. Often times, arguing only results in bad feelings. Many a relationship, has been severed and suffered because of a simple argument. If we learn to fight fair, say what we mean, mean what we say and try not to say it mean, we might get somewhere. Often times though, we tackle an iffy situation, even with the best of intention, only to make things worse because of our temper. How do I know this? I have learned this the hard way, as I have a terribly short fuse and tend to say really nasty things, when I'm angry. Thus, I must "Sabotage Myself."

I learned to shut my big mouth, calm down, take a cleansing breath, maybe wait a few hours or a few days, even and then I place a pen in my hand, instead of a proverbial knife. Words do and can cut like a knife and can be much likened to a double edged sword. Words are more powerful, than we realize or give credit to and they can make or break even the strongest.

Our choice of words can actually be life changing, life altering and life building. If we behaved more responsibly with our words, this world, of course, would be a better place. But it is a golden egg, for someone, to grow enough to finally realize before the damage has been done, to choose their words carefully.

By writing a letter, we can face our fears, we can address, things calmly and we can choose those words, with all their/it's power, in check. We may orchestrate what needs to be said, how it is said and we are afforded, the choice of wielding this power, unbridled, unobstructed, undisturbed.

If you are in a nasty argument with someone, you can't say half of what needs to be said and or how it should be said. But with a letter, you have that person, (hostage, hah, just kidding) in an audience. They can read it and re-read it. it is proven that more is retained by reading something, first hand. The impact of your words and phrase, prose and stance can not be be undermined. More importantly, that person, with whom you may have had an altercation with, is not in your face, no nasty words are exchanged, no one dies.

I think you get my meaning, right? If I were you, I'd write his Mother and tell her that whatever it is, that has caused her to have disdain or dislike for you, you'd like to know, that way, you can possibly resolve it. You may have to do a little fluffing by telling her that you don't want to be on her bad side and that you respect her. More importantly, you are having a real hard time, feeling like you are the reason, that her son is at odds with her. You do not want to be the thing that comes between them.. I think it's real important, that you take this approach. Make her aware that you don't understand what you've done, to cause her to dislike you and you are willing to do what it takes to turn that around. No, you're not kissing ass but you are putting the ball in her court. She'll have to look at her own behavior, if you make it appear, that you are willing and ready to make amends. Now, I'm real aware that you've done nothing wrong but give her that opportunity to let you in on whatever secret reason, she has for disliking you, all of a sudden. Is it because you had the baby? Is it because you two are not married? You tell her that you can't make it right or resolve the situation, if you don't know what you've done wrong. This will open the door for her to possibly tell you, what it is that's bothering her. But it may also be something and she doesn't know what it is? If that's the case, then quite possibly, she'll have to look at how ridiculous she's is behaving. It just might open her eyes.

Make sure, that you mention, that it is rather hurtful for her to call your child, her grandchild, her sons baby, a "Bastard." You then, bring up the fact that this child is her sons and is innocent in this. See, she probably said that out of anger. Or she may have said it because you two are not married. But you must bring this up and hopefully, she'll feel guilty about it and see just how spiteful she has been. This is another "Guilt Trip 101." I've written concerning this before. Sometimes, we must fight fire with fire and do the dang thing, getting down and dirty. Sometimes, we have to pull out all the stops and meet people on their own turf, even if that turf is pretty dingy and nasty. But you'll stand upright, when you state the facts, respectfully and rightfully.

You make her aware of how she's hurt her own son but you must refrain from mentioning how she's hurt you, with her attitude. Nope, don't give her that. Make the emphasis, on her hurtful comments concerning the baby and the fact that her son is upset by it. Get down with the guilt.

You end the letter with the question;
How may we resolve this, for the sake of your son and grandchild?

Carefully write the letter, mail it to her and wait. It will take a minute for it to sink in, for her to digest it and to realize that she's been a real, nasty cuss. If she doesn't contact her son, write me again and we'll go for Round Two.