Hour Glass Figure???

Aunt B apologizes emphatically for the long delay in answering your questions. I've had the Flu and have been quite consumed by it.


Dear Aunt B,

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.

I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgemental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment, LOL.

She had the classic figure of a 50’s pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.

When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Lol.. i feel for you, I really do.. but I’d listen to your friends advice for sure.

Women are very self conscious about their bodies (men are too, but I am only talking about women for now) and any comment could make a woman who was normally very calm and strong into a basket case if they perceive things incorrectly.

I can’t tell you *why* that is, but it is. I was reading your question, and I was thinking in the back of my head “oh dude, NO!” when you wrote your comment on the hour glass shape. And yes, the remark of “healthy” likely set her into rage...lol... and all I can say is we have all heard the PC way to comment on a person’s shape, and those two are used a lot to describe larger women..lol... so your perception and her perception were very very different.

Typically sticking to comments like “you look beautiful” or complimenting something non-threatening like a smile or an outfit (that dress looks amazing on you, not your shape looks good in that dress!) is better than commenting on factual specification of shape.

There really wasn’t anything *wrong* with what you said, but I’d stick to the regular form of compliments.... at least until you have known a woman for more than an evening .

Good luck, I hope there are less red cheeks in your future ;)

~Xmichra

Dear Kevin,

Personally, I see nothing wrong with your compliment. In fact, I even looked it up in an effort to possibly understand why your gal pal might have taken offense. And from everything that I have read, it (your statement of her having an hour glass figure) can be considered the epitome of beauty to some women who were even asking how to get it. I don't quite understand where she may have taken offense.

It occurs to me that there in lies the answer; She "CHOSE" to take offense. But in giving the benefit of the doubt, it's possible too that maybe she does not know the meaning or the true context of the compliment.

So, I take your side on this one. However, I would hope that you'd steer clear from making any sort of comments in the future. It's just not necessary. I mean, let's say you want to convey that she's pleasing to the eye. And let's just say, you know, just for shitz-n-gigglez that you tell her that she is "Robust." Well, the word robust is defined;

adj.

1. Full of health and strength; vigorous.
2. Powerfully built; sturdy. See synonyms at healthy.
3. Requiring or suited to physical strength or endurance: robust labor.
4. Rough or crude; boisterous: a robust tale.
5. Marked by richness and fullness; full-bodied: a robust wine.

While someone such as myself would not take offense by being called this, another woman may feel that you are implying that she's built like a brick shit house, for better terms. And it all boils down to the fact that we as women have real hang-ups about our weight. Obviously your friend has these hang-ups and nothing you could say would be interpreted as anything but an attack.

It's almost humorous, isn't it? I mean, you told her she looks healthy, right? And she may have processed that as healthy like an ox, huh? Her comment to the effect of, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” says I'm right about that. So, I'd say there would have been no recovering from that no matter what you'd said to try to appease her and the situation.

Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell About It Later..

The thing that spoke to me and really really got under my skin was her Scarlett O'Hara moment when she slapped you. WTF is that???

In this day and age, women have fought tooth and nail for equality in every aspect of our lives. In our quest for this elusive equalness we often times send out mixed emotions, mixed signals as well. In example, the chivalrous act of opening a door for your date can, for some be a patronizing affair. Some women love it, expect it and want nothing less. Others however, may not be so "old school" and may take offense.

In other words, I do feel for the modern man today as he doesn't know whether to shit or go blind. He doesn't know what's acceptable and what's not when it comes to those moments when chivalry might be due.

Long story short; I've stated to all my boys that they are to never ever lay their hands on a woman and if they did/do, they've known for years that I'm coming for them.

But But But...I've also stated to them, my sons (and I may get some real heat from this commentary) that if a women steps up to bat, steps up to them and strikes them like a man would, they have every right in the world to put her on her lil' ass!

Now, I do not encourage my boys to hurt women, allow me to make that perfectly clear. But in the event that a women wants to punch you in the face as did in fact happen with my youngest son and his wife at the time, I have no problem with him, as I said, putting her on her ass.

I also told my sons that if a woman wants to treat you like a punk, wants to step up and slap you, you have my permission to slap her back. And she'll think twice before she smacks you again. Am I right or wrong in thinking this?

Having said this, I do not condone violence between couples but it is got to be made clear that if you hit a man, you'd better expect that you just might be put in your place.

The days are long gone when a woman can act offended and strike the man. They left at the same time as we made it clear we wanted to be treated as equals. Maybe your gal pal didn't get the memo?

So, when it's all said and done, I commend you for keeping your cool. Allow me to point out that this woman is not worth the time of day and certainly not worth your worrying about her feelings.

Yes, as far as I'm concerned, she did you a big favor by setting the standards from the get go. You didn't waste any time playing games or dealing with some chick with super hang-ups, screwed up rules and regulations and mixed emotions, to say the very least.

As I said, "live, learn & laugh like hell about it later!"

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

Easy Dynamic

With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Aunt B,

On your website you said nothing is taboo and that's why I will feel a bit more comfortable telling you this. I'm a 26 year old woman. I have a close knit family whom I love very much. I have an uncle who was in prison for 18 years that we as a family would go visit every weekend for years. We had a very good relationship during those years. He was released two years ago and our relationship has changed. Last October, our relationship turned sexual and has been that way since then. He would send me texts saying how he wanted to have sex with me since I was 16. At first I thought it was a crazy joke, he was in prison a long time. That started in March. Now let me say I thought the world of my uncle when I was 16. He always talked to me and gave me advice and listened to me. My father wasn't around so he was the next best thing but better because I could talk to him about things I couldn't with my mother. I never knew he felt that way about me. I admit I got curious after a while but I never really thought it would happen. When it first started it was just sex, but me like a dummy started to have feelings 5 months in. I told him I wanted to stop because of that and he ignored it. Him and I both have had other partners him a lot more than me I'm sure. He tells me I'm better than his other ladies. He gets jealous when I mention another man. He tells me that I'm perfect and that if our situation was different he would marry me. He gets butterflies when he sees me. He loves holding me. Now another woman is pregnant by him and it hurts me. I've been in this situation where I was cheated on and the other woman got pregnant three times before. I got really upset. We weren't exactly careful and if it wasn't for plan B I would b pregnant by him. He tells me he doesn't want to stop. He even asked me if I wanted a baby and said he loved me one time since I found out. Now I know that his words are BS but I guess it wore me down after all this time and I feel stupid for allowing myself to have feelings for him. I don't know where they came from. I don't understand why he wanted me in this way. I certainly didn't plan on this. It really was just sex in the beginning and I didn't want or ask for anything beyond that. But he keeps coming up with these type of comments. Even though I feel like I'm in love with him, which sounds completely insane, I understand there is no good coming out of this situation especially for me. I want help with how to push emotion to the side and get out of this situation. Signed, Going Crazy Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Reader,

In the interest of helping you, really helping you, I need to tell you that you need to seek a professional for the resolve to your question. Not because you are crazy, but because you will need to talk this out for awhile before you can feel that you have fixed this situation. You are right, this is a complicated situation, and one that I feel shouldn’t be answered in a quick gut answer format.

I can tell you what *I* would do. So I am telling you to please get help from a professional. You do need it. There are so many things at work in this one small glimpse of your story.

I will go into this, a little, because I am afraid that you will not seek help. I am afraid you will not seek help for fear of judgment of *who* the man is, and having the rest of your feelings cast aside because of it. And I know there are plenty of professional people out there who get a bad rap, but a good one worth their salt, wouldn’t make you feel that way at all. A good therapist will address the whole of this situation, and go through all your feelings and how to overcome them. So please, again, do seek help.

It doesn’t sound insane to me that you feel that you are in love with this man. It actually makes total sense that you think you feel this way. It makes sense that you are feeling betrayed. It makes sense that you are feeling cast aside. It makes sense that you are angry. Do not feel stupid, you are making sense. Regardless of *who* the guy is, anyone would feel angry and be asking exactly what you have been asking.

The problem that I see is that he has preyed upon you since you were very young, and he will continue to do so. I am sorry to hear this story, and even sorrier for the pain this will cause you. But you need to step away, and you need to get help. Have you told your parents about all this? I am guessing not given the circumstances. I am not sure if saying anything to them right now would be helpful, because I don’t know your parents. But if they are close to you (as you have indicated) and you trust them, I would suggest that you tell them and let them help you through all of this. You will need support.

Your situation isn’t the type where there is a simple solution. If I could have a piece of simplicity, I would encourage you to move on and forget this guy because he doesn’t love you. And I really wish it were that simple. But, I know it isn’t because of the nature of your relationship and the length of time this has evolved. So, again, I implore you to stop what you are doing all together with this man, and get help.

I wish I could answer this for you, and I wish that it were an easy dynamic. If you need help to seek a professional, please let us know (we will keep that off site).

~Xmichra.

With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Going Crazy,

I am "tickled pink" that you wrote us as we appreciate our readers as well as those that ask the many questions that we get. You're right; Nothing Is Taboo and we will discuss anything, if it is a serious question. What I mean by this is if someone truly wants an answer to a heart felt question and sometimes even that is debatable, we will try to accommodate them by answering as best as we can.

I do believe you are already aware of the "Social Stigma"that may be associated with your relationship with your Uncle. For all intent and purpose, some may even refer to it as Incest. And if you don't mind, I'll ask you to click on that link I just provided for you, for that particular word.You may then come to your own conclusion/resolution as to the definition of your situation.

Putting all this aside, even the nature of the your possible blood relationship, well, I have bigger fish to fry here. What I mean by this is rather plain and simple;

Your Uncle, I believe is using you in the name of love.

Now, you may write me after you've examined all of this and "read me the riot act" but I'd be willing to wager, you have some real *self-esteem issues. Yes, I'd also be willing to bet you are a bit over weight, feel rather ugly and have been very hard on yourself, most of your God given life. And I want it to stop...right here and right now. Yep, you damn skippy, I can see you and I do know.

You have such urgency to be loved and desired, (which are all normal human needs), that you are willing to put aside all the red flags, all the, shall I dare say; Wrong that has been done to you. And I'm asking you to slow down and take a long, hard look at how you've allowed yourself to be treated.

You are in good company when it comes to what people, even and including myself, well, just what we will do for love. And it's all a matter of what we may choose to endure in the "name of love."

I'm sorry to tell you, that although I do firmly believe that your Uncle has feelings for you, I also unflinchingly believe he's been leading you astray and feeding you a line in order to have sex with you. Now, you can lie to yourself and/or sugar coat it all day long but I tell you all this because I want you to wake up and see the devastation this man has effected.

What Can You Do???

For starters, I want you to begin to assess your own, hidden self worth. It's not hidden from the world just from you, apparently, when you look in the mirror. I think you may have forgotten what a wonderful personality as well as sense of humor you possess. The absolute best attribute you are blessed with is that undeniable "twinkle" in your eyes, especially when you are in a playful mood. You've not been playful as of late and that's a shame. The spring in your step
has sprung. Hasn't it?

I'd like to see you get your sense of self back. That playfulness that I spoke of will come back the sooner you see how wrong it was for your Uncle to do this to you. Yes, I said "do this" because you have been a victim of a man who took advantage of and did what it took to bed down a damsel in distress, someone who just wants to be loved.

Your answer, the beginning lies in you seeing all of this, peering into the looking glass with the realization that it is all as simple as you seeing yourself again, for the first time. Somewhat a riddle, I promise you that if you would ingest all that I have prescribed to you,

"He will come along. And he will tell you that 'you have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen'." (Bedroom Eyes)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


*Further Reading on Self Esteem;

Self Esteem - The Problem Behind All Problems
by Asoka Selvarajah, Ph.D

How Can I Improve My Self Esteem?
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Aunt Babz Commentary; The Reason for the Season

What is really going on??

Megan Meier's Mother, holding her pictures
Have you followed the story about Megan Meier, who hung herself, after a purported fake guy/fake profile, reeled her in as a love interest and then cruelly blew her off? ABC News Story

She states it's not her blog. On all accounts, it reads to me as authentic, what do you think. While I would side with her and her dilemma, the name of the blog,
"Megan Had It Coming," is plainly wrong and tends to sway me. I am left wondering? What do you think, did Lori Drew, the woman behind the fake MySpace profile, write the blog?

Here's one, rather cruel take on the story from Scared Monkeys;

Internet Cruel Intentions: 13 Year Old Megan Meier Commits Suicide After Cruel, Sick MySpace Hoax (Josh Evans)

There are sick acts that occur on the internet and then there are others that go beyond words and logic. We always warn children and teens that there are consequence to their actions. In the case of adults … there is no excuse. The following account is one of the most depressing and heinous acts of cyber-bullying and internet fraud against a teen ever. The tragedy that followed, almost makes the story impossible to read. However, everyone should and most read it and beware of those that would be such cowards on the internet to pretend to be someone they are not and to harass others. In this case the resulting tragedy was suicide.

A 13 year old girl, Megan Meier, committed suicide by hanging herself due to the insensitive and cruel actions of an adult who perpetrated a cruel hoax. 13 year old Megan Meier, who suffered from depression and attention deficit disorder, thought she was talking on MySpace to a boy her own age named Josh Evans.

Josh Evans never existed … he was a hoax!!!

The story that follows becomes one of the most insensitive and vicious hoaxes ever done on the internet. Especially when one considers that adults took part in it against an unsuspecting minor. The result is the death of a 13 year old.

DARDENNE PRAIRIE, Mo. (AP)— Megan Meier thought she had made a new friend in cyberspace when a cute teenage boy named Josh contacted her on MySpace and began exchanging messages with her.

Megan, a 13-year-old who suffered from depression and attention deficit disorder, corresponded with Josh for more than a month before he abruptly ended their friendship, telling her he had heard she was cruel.

The next day Megan committed suicide. Her family learned later that Josh never actually existed; he was created by members of a neighborhood family that included a former friend of Megan’s.

The parents of Megan Meier hope the people who made the fraudulent profile on the social networking Web site, MySpace, will be prosecuted and they are seeking legal changes to safeguard children on the Internet. This was the actions of adults, not children or teenager. Adults! These people should be prosecuted to the full extent of whatever law can be used.

“But when adults are involved and continue to screw with a 13-year-old, with or without mental problems, it is absolutely vile,” she told the Suburban Journals of Greater St. Louis, which first reported on the case.

The story gets even worse as the newspaper, St. Charles Journal, who first ran with this story then protected the identities of the adultswho drove a 13 year old over the edge to hang herself. The blogosphere and internet community became incensed and outed those responsible for the death of Megan Meier. KUDOS to those on the internet that outed those responsible. No one, especially an adult should be allowed to hide behind anonymity when there is a death … NO ONE!!!

Commentary

It gets even uglier, when people, such as blogger, Douchebags Reunite, outs Lori Drew by calling her a "Murderer," and lists the womans address. Of course, I think thoughtless and arrogant people, like this woman, need slapped. Your tag line of, "Being stupid has never been this cool..." speaks volumes. I'm certainly glad you are not in complete denial as to your own mental state. Why do you feel the need to stir the Pot of Pain?

Tis the Season for What???

More Babz Commentary

Did We Cut Off Our Nose To Spite Our Face???

We have children, sometimes it isn't planned but for many, it is the prospect of having a family, that is our goal. As well, I do not believe we think through, the full magnitude of what parenting, the actual job of it, if you will, really entails.

I will try not to jump on the soapbox but women, in their/our quest for equal rights and a wish to enter the work force, to make as much money as our male counterpart, have a serious career and live noteworthy lives, in many instances, have allowed their parenting to become a second rate lifestyle/situation. But Babz what the hell are you talking about?

Here, let me spell it out for you; We work[women] long hours, holding key positions. We strive to be the very best, proving that, oh yes, we can do anything and everything a man can do. And you damn right, we can and let me say this, we should be paid the same wage, as men. We still struggle for this equality and even I have been discriminated against because I lacked a glans. If we can't, however, do that job with the same gusto, if we can not perform that job, i.e., gaff that pole, pull that fire house, carry that equipment because we do have physical differences, from men, we should not and I repeat, " we should not be paid for that job, the same wage as the man who can climb that pole to install telephone wire, etc." Therein lies the joke and I'm not laughing

But Babz, how does this all have any impact on or anything to do with this MySpace thingy?

This Holiday Season, I have a few things, I'd like you to consider. Thus far, we have, for one, lost touch with reality, as to what "The Reason For The Season," is all about. How did this happen? And Babz, really, how does this too, apply to what you are talking about?

We have spoiled, for lack of a better word, our children, most likely out of guilt, for not being there, with expensive gifts. You could never again, get away with giving your son/daughter, that one gift set of the hat, scarf and mittens or their favorite music CD, along with a book, yada yada yada. It's keep up with the Jones and Smiths. Get my drift? No, you will go out this year and buy them a Wii, PC, Xbox, Playstation and we will spend thousands, if not several hundred dollars in an appeasement of our guilt. Sure we want to give our kids the world and I felt the shame, have a real distaste and anxiety up the wazoo, at Christmas time because as a single Mom, I couldn't pull the money out of my keester to buy each of my three sons, all those expensive gifts that Bobby and Mary down the street were getting and flaunting.

The days of crocheting a hat and mittens, as your gift, are gone. Right in the garbage went our values and beliefs, the very principle behind that reason for the season. You'll also find, in that garbage, values and beliefs concerning how we rear our children with even the most kindergarten of instillment; Do unto others as you would have done to you. This is big, huge and not without a universal magnitude.

Bullies have thrived for ages, this is actually nothing new. But if you'll remember and I'm speaking mainly to you Baby Boomers, the bullies were so outnumbered. It was usually that kid from the broken home, who lived in that run down house, with the mean dog. For the most part, it wasn't a pack of guys/girls, as it is now, out to utterly destroy anyone who doesn't fit into their mold of the haves and the have nots, the beautiful and not so beautiful. Our children have become vicious, vindictive and very mean. It is going on, right under our noses. You have purposely, looked the other way.

The American Dream Becomes A Myth/Lie

Somewhere, along the lines, we didn't instill the values and principles, trickled down through the ages. We left out the beliefs and life altering perceptions of understanding, of that basic premise, to treat others as you want to be treated. In our post Dr.Spock era, in that behavioral science of treating our kids with respect(and no spankings) and honoring them as kids with opinion, we left out the most elementary of rules; Respect...respect for others, respect for life and liberty, respect for adults, respect for ourselves, respect and value for material things and I could, quite seriously, go on forever.

How did this happen? That answer is two fold, I believe. Quite often, we have old school Dad's who are groping to understand our journey to be independent women. We assert ourselves, as "That Girl," with mixed emotion cause when we grow up, we wanna be that girl who has it all. We want a career, family(2.5 children), that beautiful 4 bedroom house, that SUV, credit cards, 52 inch flat screen t.v., computer in every room, beautiful clothes cause by God, we will not wear Walmart stuff, only Ann Taylor suits and drive a Lexus. Yes, we want it all. But our mothers were on the cusp of this new wave, new age thinking and in turn taught our men that, they work, come home and the wife does the cooking, cleaning and raising of the children. So, we work, run the kids to soccer practice, try to keep the house up all the while, making that instant dinner, you know the one that comes frozen, in a bag? We stopped sitting at the table for dinner, we're so rushed to get it all done. We are juggling so much, we don't even know our own children. Yes, because of that deviated perception of the American Dream, gone awry, we must work to maintain it and we've become that two income family, a necessity just to keep all those balls in the air.

Can you guess, just who it is, that suffers the consequence of our distorted dreams? Can you guess, who is sacrificed, inevitably raised by a system that is not working, i.e., our schools, T.V., Internet? Yes, it is our children, who from an early age, are placed in daycare, cared for by people who really don't love your children but handle them appropriately, if you're lucky, to just do their job. Once they are old enough, we feel it is the job of the school to teach them everything and we think they are getting all they need, at school. We allow them to watch, more and more violence, sexual content and learn false values from T.V. and on the Internet. Yes, we're just glad they're occupied, so we have a minutes peace, to fold the laundry. We omitted sitting and teaching them, reminding them to strive to be good people and as I mentioned before, to only treat others as we want to be treated, especially with regards to respect and a charitable heart.

I could place the full blame of this on the Mother but that would be a half truth. Yes Dad, you just love being able to come home, park your new Hummer in the driveway, walk in the door, to a fairly quiet house cause your kids are out or they're busy, in a Chat room, IMing their friends and you're able to get your dinner, put your feet up and watch Jon Stewart on your Flat Screen. Yea, you mow the lawn once a week and trim the shrubs, hopefully take the trash out which affords you the inalienable right to run the remote and watch what you want on T.V. cause you are the King of the Castle. Did your Dad teach you this? Back then of course, your Mom may have stayed home or at most, she worked a little part-time job, the beginnings of our assertion, as women. You heard Dad make the statement, "No wife of mine is gonna work." He eventually folded his cards, in the name of progress but still had the belief, handed down that, he didn't do dishes or laundry, "Oh hell no, men don't do dishes. That's womens work, son"

We're all mixed up, in this foggy American Dream. We've lost touch with what's important, especially in regards to our children, We need to seriously look at this. If we don't we will continue to have mass killings, such as what has just happened in an Omaha, Nebraska Mall and children, so distraught, not able to be comforted by their parents, for whatever reason, as the suicide, I've mentioned earlier.

Before it is too late, we need to look at our own values and beliefs, especially those we are passing down to the next selfish, greedy, plastic generation, we'll fondly call, "Generation Fake."

Could you possibly give yourself and family, the gift of assessing these ideas and principles, wrought with wrong? This Holiday Season, give your children, one thing, if nothing else, the wisdom that there is a Reason for the Season and maybe make a New Years resolution, to take your job and responsibilty as a parent, as seriously as it commands.

Oh and never be afraid to say Merry Christmas!!

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 yrs old and I am 8 months pregnant. I caught my husband on the internet looking at porn sites and it totally devastated me. I dont understand what you can get out of looking at pictures. This made me feel real insecure, I feel like is that what he wants because I sure dont look like those girls on the site. And if that is what he wanted why did he marry me? I asked him why and he just says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he'll never do it again, But it isnt the first time this has happened and I dont know how to deal with it, It has really put me in a depression. Everytime I see I pretty girl I hate her, I feel like she is ruining my marriage even though I know she isnt and I hate feeling this way. Please Help me....

Confused

Dear Confused,

You're not alone, when it comes to your man looking at porn, just to let you know. A lot of men/husbands look and watch. I was and felt the same way. As well, I do believe there's a larger group of us, who just don't care for our men looking/ogling at porn.

Recently, I had a friend who's husband went to a Strip Club with all his buddies. She was 8 months pregnant and I'm sure you can relate to all that she told me, as to how she felt. I spoke with her at length, to get to the bottom of it all.

For starters, when we are pregnant, we don't often feel that glow, people say we have. You get to a point, where you feel more like a beached whale, than a woman having a baby. You're already feeling vulnerable, concerning your own appearance. You get to a point where you no longer feel sexy, much less desirable. So, how can you compete with those young girls with their perky breasts and high -n- tight tiny hiney? You begin to view those girls that dress rather teasingly as your own demise, a threat, those little sluts, huh? Well, again, you are not alone.

Even those of us, who aren't pregnant, feel the sting of the scantily clad. Those girls are not representative of what's real, you know the ones in the magazines and porns. The girls in the porno mags are airbrushed, as well, in the movies, they can digitally make them next to perfect. No one can compete with that. No one.

It's a double edged sword, this so called equality, we have as women. We fought for all the wrong things, we really did and in this sexual revolution, ushered in, in the 70's, we've gone from bad to worse. Why do I say this?

In an age where women are getting all this plastic surgery, it puts undue pressure on those of us, that are, "a la natural." Once again, we can't compete with that which is fake.Unfortunately, this mind set and behavior will continue, until we, as women change it. I don't see it happening, anytime soon. But what can you do about you?

I think hubby needs a little dose of perspective. He needs to understand how it feels, to be in your shoes. I assume you two, planned this child together? It takes two to Tango, does it not? He must pull his weight, in every way possible. But in order for you to get this from him, you must take away any resentment.

I've always said, "Men are just boys in big clothing." Now, I am not a feminist and it's never been, "I am woman, hear me roar," either. But men and women are different and quite often, it comes down to making your man understand, just what's what. I won't call it training but coaxing. Your hubby needs to be coaxed to do right by you.

They sell porn, it's on the Internet, it's just about everywhere you turn. There is a demand for it, or they'd gone out of business, a long time ago, right? So hubby sees that all the other guys are looking, why can't he? I'll bet he's thinking this, right now. He needs perspective, coaxing so he can let go of that resentment. Yes, it's there, guaranteed.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

He must try to understand, how you feel right now. I'm quite sure, he tells you he loves you, every day, huh? But there is a difference between love and desire. He would probably tell you that he desires you too, right? But you don't feel very desirable right now and he could tell you, till he's blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Now, this is not his fault, that you don't feel desirable, now is it? But it's a fact of life, a rite of passage, for a mother. Things change, the variables change, your body changes. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever be or feel the same. You must adapt but that does not mean you must bow down to what you dislike or find offensive.

A Dose of Perspective

You must put all this, in terms your man will understand. You must help him to feel what you are feeling. Try to explain to him, calmly, what it is like, when you feel like a baby making machine, then a Mom and not the young and desirable woman, he once lusted for. Don't lecture him. No, we must make him understand but put the resentment aside. You will both become resentful, if you can't calmly allow him to feel what you are feeling. You must make him understand how it would feel if he caught you looking at porn.

How would he feel, if he purposely had to gain weight? Would the girls look at him? What if he shaved his head? I mean some guys can sport that look, while others look absurd. But I say this for a reason; how would he feel about himself, if through no fault of his own, he was suddenly fat and bald? I mean like, he wakes up one morn and then, he looks in the mirror and he sees himself and thinks, "Eeeeeew!" He then walks in, feeling less than and you are watching some built guy, bulging with muscles with a big, you know what (bigger than his) and it's very apparent that you are purposely looking at it. It wasn't an accident, you went to that site, for a reason. How would he feel? No you didn't fool around but it feels like you might as well have cause he feels betrayed. He feels like he doesn't trip your trigger anymore cause if he did, why in hell would you feel the need to look at that? So, now he's standing there feeling like you must not love him anymore and at the very least, he's not desirable? You must make him understand.

Flip The Coin

The other half of our realization here, is that if we don't want our man to shop at another store, we must know the nature of the beast and embrace the facts. Men are hardwired differently than women. They think about sex more, this is a statistical fact, I'm sure you could bear witness? What the hell are you saying, Babz?

I'm telling you to always be aware of the fact that, your man is an animal and you must feed the animal. You may have to work at it. You may have to give a little more of yourself. Don't just get pissed off at him, look at his nature and try to understand it. Yes, he's a Lion, capable of being savage. It was a savage act, for him to look at the porn but just like a lion eats raw red meat, raw feelings are there and you must understand this. You must know how to master the Beast.

You will not be pregnant forever. These feelings of inadequacy will subside and you will begin to feel like your old self. Right now, I'm sure you're Hyper-Sensitive to the subject and the impact of it all cuts a bit deeper. I have the feeling that you don't care for him, looking at porn in the first place but right now, is sure as hell, not a choice time for him to make that mistake. Put the shoe, on the other foot for him and make him see.

At the same time, you guys have been married 14 years. I imagine that you had some magic/chemistry there. Ask yourself, if you quit working at the marriage? Did you take things for granted? I mean he needs to ask himself the same question. I am not pointing the finger at either of you. I am simply saying that, although you can love each other, is the lust and desire gone? He'll deny it, ya know. But there are things, you can do, to keep him coming back for more.

As I said before, you're almost done with the pregnancy thing. This sensitivity may subside a bit but, I feel you must come to grips with who you are and where you want to be. No, you'll never be the young woman you once were. You could make yourself sick, just thinking about it. I went through this myself and I know how you feel. It's enough to piss off a preacher, when you see some young girl, walking around with the top of her thong, clearly showing, purposely sticking out of her pants or sweats or whatever. Yea, your husband is going to look and yea, he might even think it's sexy. Facts of Life.

You can't change how he thinks, even if he looks. You can control, if he acts upon things. Put it into perspective, as to how it feels, for you, especially right now. But do your part to keep him thinking about you. Do your part to blow his mind and trip his trigger. Yes, men have fantasies but if what you're doing is real, he'll think about that first. Go that extra distance to be a dirty girl, in bed. Take control and pretend you're at the rodeo. Ride 'em Cowgirl!