Another Rite of Passage

Hey Aunty!

I am having a big problem I can’t express it to anyone but then I thought to myself I could ask an adviser well then here it is!

This is the first year I move to my new school and its awesome but from the start I have had a crush on this boy. It started out with a crush and I thought I would get over him like any other guy that a girl has a crush on. This guy is different it’s the first time that I truly love a guy! We have so much in common, we talk on the phone a lot, we talk in school a lot, and everyone tells me that he loves me and that he flirts with me and the way he looks at me is as if he is in love with me. I agree with them but I disagree at the same time. I disagree and feel as if he doesn’t like me because he has a girlfriend she is in another school I really get annoyed when he talks about her cause I wish I was in her place. I also get annoyed cause she is a really bad girl and I am the good girl type! Like when I say good girl I mean good girl ! I really like this guy and I feel we have so much in common! This is the first time in my life that I love a guy ! He trusts me a lot I am like his best friend so I don’t really want to ruin our relationship. Please help me ! I want to be with this guy and I want us to remain together for life! I want him to be mine and all mine! I want us to be the best couple of history. ! Aunt B please help me !!! I really like this guy please help me !

Please reply as soon as possible...

Veronica !!HELP!!

Dear Veronica,

Read what Halena wrote. It is a better starting point. I am possibly jumping the gun, going to the next level...

Well, just because you are a "nice girl" does not mean you can't be assertive. It's the difference between the girls and the women, the difference between the ones who get what they need and the ones that'll only cry about it.

Now, let me point out one of the unspoken rules of thumb here; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do. A vast number of guys would love to have their cake and eat it too. And this means that he will keep two girlfriends, only if you allow it.

Now, you can't force him to have feelings he does not for you, right? But if he does care for you as deeply as you believe, he must understand that he should treat you exactly as he'd want to be treated. If you were dating another guy, in a different school, how would he feel? Would he continue to go out with you, all the while knowing that you have another boyfriend? I'll answer that for you; It's rather doubtful that he would contend with you seeing another guy and I do believe he would let you know. It's just how the ball bounces.

I will say it again; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do.

Being a good girl is commendable but being a pushover is not, remember this! You can always continue to be that good girl just simply make a stand, make your feelings obvious and assert what you will and will not tolerate. Always!

While it is important for people to know where you stand, it is equally important for them to know what you will not stand for.

My suggestion is for you to have a little talk with your beau and get to the core, the crux of things and where you stand. Then, you make him aware of what you will not tolerate.

Does that sound a bit stern? Maybe but it's all in the approach. As I stated before, you can't make him have certain feelings, right? You can't make him love you and you sure as heck can't make him give up his other girlfriend, now can you?

But, But, But...you can make it clear that you'd like to define things, understand where you stand with him. You can ask him to see things from your perspective and put it into terms he might see the light through;

"While I have no right or business telling you how you should feel, I do have the right to my own happiness. I will not be toyed with and I will never play second fiddle. So, I will tell you that I care a lot about you and I think you might care about me. However, would you continue to see me, talk to me on the phone and so on, fully knowing I have another boyfriend in another school?"

Another Rite of Passage

All through your life, Veronica, you must learn to assert and state your needs. You must say what needs to be said. Yes, my creed, "Say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean, " are words to live by. This separates the women from the girls. In any relationship whether it be this one or with the man you will marry, you must always state your needs.

Never assume that your partner knows what's what. Never assume that they will always do the right thing. Sometimes you must, in stating your needs, let them know what you will or will not tolerate in that quest for everyday happiness.


More often than not, you have to put things into perspective for your guy. Just because you're in the dating phase does not mean that he can continue to see other girls. Yes, it's an extremely gray area, what's right and wrong when it comes to defining that spot where you go from a simple date to that all defining moment where you might begin to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. So, as there's no training manual, (that I know of) or rule book with the definitions clearly stated, how bout we take a look at this?

• First of all, it says a whole lot if a guy goes out on a date with another girl when he's supposedly in an established relationship, right? Take a close look at that.

• Secondly, if the guy does go out on a date with you, even an unofficial date and he calls you more than once, I would tend to think he likes you. If he continues to talk to you, continues to call, you've gone well beyond that first stage of dating. I do believe you have what might be called an "established relationship."

• Third, in an established relationship, where a guy is, for a lack of better words, "courting you," it says a whole lot if you allow him, knowingly, to continue entertaining you as well as another girl. It reads loud and clear, that you will allow it.

• Lastly, your guy is not a mind reader, is he? Since I don't believe he is, you will have to plainly state that you are not the kind of girl that will tolerate two-timing. In other words, you must clearly state your right to happiness. In that right, you tell him while you realize that you can't make him do anything, say anything and you surely can't make him feel something that is not there, if he does have any semblance of feelings for you, you are not the kind of girl that will allow a guy to two-time her.

Yes, you make it crystal clear that you are not asking him to choose. You make it more than clear though, that it's all up to him but he should not call you or talk to you if he wants to see this other girl. You state that it's not fair to either of you, now is it?

Here's the clincher, as the plot thickens; Once you have stated how you feel and he does not stop seeing her, talking to her, courting her, entertaining her, etc. etc. then it is a statement as to his own values and beliefs. It will be more than clear that he wants his cake and to eat it too; two girlfriends.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Veronica,

I would continue being his good friend. Then, start off with a simple touch here and there and gauge his response. As in, let's say you're sitting next to him and you are laughing and you touch his arm or back and see how he acts. That is kind of intimate but also innocent. Then, watch his reaction because there will probably be a reaction. If he thinks nothing of it, do it again and again but not too much so he won't feel uncomfortable, just in case.

If he seems receptive, next time try playfully putting your arm around him, around his waist or neck and then see what happens. You have to make it innocent, not being pushy or like you have an agenda as you don't want to ruin your friendship. By the way, every great relationship, long term, starts off in friendship first.

After doing this, it may make him think as to who he wants to be with, you or her? It might also help him to make his move, knowing that you two are into each other. If all else fails, knowing that you can still be his best friend, be waiting in the wings for that opportunity, if he breaks up with her.

On Your Side,

Halena

Words to Live By

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

So I met this boy on my birthday a couple of weekends ago on my birthday. We totally hit it off and had a great evening. We flirted a bit at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number. I finally heard from him a week later and we have been talking everyday since. A few days after he started talking to me he told me that he needed to talk to me about something that he should have told me in the beginning. At this point he told me that he was so incredibly sorry that he had not been honest with me in the beginning but he does have a girlfriend. But things with his girlfriend have been really rough for a while. He said that the moment he met me reminded him on what it’s like to have feelings for someone again. He kept apologizing to me and said that the last thing he ever wanted to do was mess with my head or hurt me. It was truly the best apology that I’ve ever gotten in my life. He said he really has feelings for me but just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want me to stop talking to him and says that I’m not getting in the way. But sometimes I feel like he’s really into talking to me and sometimes I feel the opposite.. I’m really confused on what to do because I do have feelings for this guy and really enjoy talking to him but I don’t know whether I’m bothering him by talking to him or how I would and what should I do about the situation he’s in? Should I continue to talk to him and see where it takes us so should I really just leave him alone and let him come to me? And if I should continue to talk to him, should I really try to get his attention or should I just play it cool?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

You really like this guy and it may have blinded you. Otherwise, you'd have seen the Yield Signs. Then again, if you didn't have some indicators of caution, you'd not have written, right?

I like this guy but I want you to go into to this with your eyes, wide open. First, you must look at the fact, that he was and is, in another relationship, when he asked for your phone number. Could he or would he do this to you, if you were to get into a relationship?

My point is this; no matter how painful things may get or be, we must embrace complete honesty, in our relationships. What am I talking about?

Ask yourself, if he's that unhappy, with his current girlfriend and it's that rocky, that he would have the audacity, to ask you for your phone number, why is he still with her?

I am glad he was honest enough to inform you about this other girl but he's getting no medal from me. What is his motive for telling you? Is it because you may find out, about her? I don't know?

He needs to break up with her, if he's going to talk to you. Now, I can tell you've over looked all this because you do like him, a lot, right? I am not going to tell you that this can never work but you must make a stand.

I think you should tell him that you really enjoy his company, talking to him and you would love to further get to know him. But he needs to call you when he's single and not until.

Open your eyes, wide enough to realize that, he's not being honest with her, either. I don't believe you'd viewed this from her standpoint, have you? How will you feel, if and when he does the same thing to you? If you were to become a couple and things just aren't working out, unbeknownst to you, would it hurt you, if you found he was talking shit to another girl, in the name of a rocky relationship, between you two? I'm not saying he would do it but a man is only as good as his words and actions.


My advice; Girlfriend, you must respect yourself first and never play second fiddle. Did you realize that you were? I am not telling you that your feelings, as well as his are bad. I am not saying he is a bad guy but he may not realize how deceitful, he is being. Tell him to clean up his act and then call you. You owe it to yourself, to demand this. You must always live under the premise, to do unto others, as you want them to do, unto you.


My friend, Mz. Karma Bitchslap™ , someone I met, up close and personal, is not real fond of dishonesty, deceitful, down-n-dirty behavior. I know, I was living my life with complete disregard for others. I was a nasty, vengeful, liar, thief and down right dirty bitch. I did whatever I wanted and didn't care who I hurt, self-will run riot. Quite often, I did things, regardless but I didn't think before I did my crimes. I explained things away, that I had to do whatever it was, I felt needed to be done. Many people were hurt, in the wake of my wrath, my behavior. Eventually, it caught up with me and I met Mz. Karma. She put me in Prison and gave me perspective. Now, we're good friends but she taught me, a few things;

1. Do not judge until I've walked a Millennium in their Moccasin.
   
2. If I don't want it done to me, I'd better not do it to them.
   
3. Don't sweat the small shit and it's all small shit.
4. I have choices, in everything I do, everything.
5. Try to live without Regret.
6. Be Assertive, not Passive-Aggressive.
7. The Name of the Game is Tame the Shame.
8. Stop saying, "Why me?"
9. Start saying, "Yes, Me!"
10. Realize the Key to Life is Love, Laughter, Family.
11. Life is a series of Tests, learn from them.
12. When I pass a test, I'm given another piece to The Puzzle.
13. The Puzzle pieces are to The Big Picture; Your Life.
14. Live, Learn, Love, Laugh.
15. Let Go & Let God.
    

Words to live by, eh?