No More Nagging!!!

Dear Aunt B,

My ex cheated on me & fell out of love with me & didnt tell me till 4 months after. Its effected my relationship now. We've been on & off for nearly 2 years & its all because im so insecure when hes not around me. Hes moved from one place to another because he just cant seem to settle, but now hes settled in scotland (12 hours away from me) hes getting into the police force up there & my daughter & i are wanting to go with him when the training starts as we know then we'll be stable but i just cant seem to stop myself being insecure. Its causing arguments & its ruining our relationship. I do love him & i know he loves me but i cant get rid of the insecurities. I know he talks to girls & i know they're all just friends but its purely cause he gets on better with girls. I sometimes feel like im just a burden on him but the problems go away when im around him & i want to be able to be calm & happy without worrying if he'll cheat when hes not around me! What can i do to help myself get rid of this thing thats killing my mind?

Emma x


Dear Emma x,

My first thought is to tell you to "Let Go and Let God."Just a reminder, okay?

An insecure woman can choke the very life out of a man that, for all intent and purpose is not cheating. And we've got to get you over all this baggage, which of course you are carrying from your prior relationship.

Now look, I've been in your high heels before. I've been burned, fooled around on and know exactly how it feels. It actually made me insane, well, more insane than usual, lol! Those of us who love with such great abandon, fervor and passion, I do believe hurt more deeply when a partner strays.

It is most assuredly the ultimate betrayal, at least in my opinion, when you've invested your heart only to have it stomped on. It makes it extremely hard to focus on anything but the indiscretion not to mention all the mixed emotions and questions you ask of yourself, in example;

• What did I do to deserve this?
• What did I do wrong?
• What could I have done to stop it?
• Is it because I don't turn him on?
• Am I ugly/fat/gross/undeserving/undesirable/not sexy?

Oddly enough, in most situations, all of those questions are absurdly not warranted and basically have nothing to do with the actual crux of the matter. They sure as hell have nothing to do with you and are a personal issue that the man is dealing with. But it's usually a given, if we're willing to admit it, that we have asked ourselves those very questions.


It's been documented that (don't quote me on this) the average man thinks about sex in one form or another every 90 seconds. They're hardwired differently than we are, obviously. (I asked my three sons if they felt this was a valid statement and they agreed that it was) So, the moral of the story is that the faithful man is one that does not act on his urges and is not impulsive.

The Crux

When we get right down to it though, the men that do fool around on a woman they say they love and adore, it's most often because they have self-esteem issues themselves. And what happens is that trollop/whore/slut/good for nothin'/low down dirty dog filled a void, your ex man had. Yes, believe it or not it really has nothing to do with you (and I'm betting on this as I happen to know that are very attractive)

In any relationship, up to and including yours, TRUST is the main gazane . It's a must and if you don't have it, well G-Friend, it creates havoc and chaos in an otherwise good and possibly healthy relationship. I imagine that you already know this...so what to do?

Your trust factor is burned out and you must explain this. At the same time, you'll also have to become aware of your torturous tactics, those which you are punishing your man with, currently. It's not fair to portray your insecurities upon him unless he has done something to make you feel this way. I think you are well aware of this and want to fix it, evidently or you'd have not written me in the first place, eh?

Perspective

Life is, truly, all about perspective. It's all about how we view ourselves as well as others. It's all about our Nouns; persons, places and things, is it not? Yes, you'll have to begin to put things in order, put them back into a healthy perspective. And it begins with trust.

As I said at the start, sometimes you have to let go and let God. It never ever hurts to pray for/about things we have no control over. No, you can't be with your man 24/7 and you can't watch his every move. And if the truth were known, you'll make yourself crazy if you do not stop this way of thinking.

You'll have to begin to show trust and this will only come from a mind state, a realization that even the *Bible tells of the woe and sorrow brought on by a nagging wife. Hush before speaking, think before saying, shut up before accusing.

Furthermore, begin your day, begin this new you, a new regimen;

Sit up, on the edge of your bed and say the word, "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

From: The Silent Scream
You were hurt deeply by your ex, NOT your current partner! Cut him a break. Begin anew and start out fresh. No More Nagging!!!

Let me state something before I end this letter; **"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." What I'm implying or referring to is your statement that he gets along better with females. No Ma'am, I don't like it and it's a recipe for disaster. It's is and always will be a really really bad idea. And you can tell him I said so!

It's all fine and dandy to be cordial with the lady friends but anything more than that when he's in a relationship is playing with fire.

If he doesn't agree, then I want to know one thing; **Is it okay for you to have male friends??? I'm betting my ass that he'll say that he doesn't mind but the very minute one of your so called friends were to text you or call on the telly, he's going to go ballistic.

Start over fresh when you go to be with your Policeman. Have a new mind set which is something you'll have to work on. Have your wonderful man read this. I don't know you and you don't know me. This means no harm, no foul as it's not like airing your dirty laundry in public for all to see. What it does mean is that you care enough to seek counsel, you care enough to work on your own emotional baggage. Oh and leave that bag at the Train Station on your way Scotland!!!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Proverbs 21:9
<<> | Proverbs 21 | Proverbs 22 >>

9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

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It's A Matter of Trust

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

HI MY NAME IS NICOLE. I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW. HIS NAME IS JAMES. WE HAVE A 1 YR OLD BABY TOGETHER. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN KINDA ROCKY THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS AND ALOT OF IT HAS TO DO WITH ME. I FOUND OUT A COUPLE YEARS THAT JAMES WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN. HE SAID HE WAS BI. WE CONTINUED OUR RELATIONSHIP TILL NOW. I HAD SOMEWHAT DISTANCED MYSELF AWAY FROM HIM BECUASE I WAS SCARED. NOW HE TELLS ME THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE SOMETHING WITH ME AGAIN AND I DIDNT LET HIM SO HE MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETHER SO ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DEAL WITH. HE IS TALKING TO A MAN NOW. I HAD FINALLY REALIZED THAT I LOVE THIS PERSON AND THAT I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM. HE SAYS HE WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE BUT HE IS GOING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES ALONG. OUR SEX LIFE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. WE HAD BEEN TALKING THE LAST WEEK ABOUT US. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ODD BECUASE HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US HAVE A DAUGHTER TO AND THAT HAPPENED. THE ONLY THING IM LOST ON IS HIS SEXUALITY. HE SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH A MAN, BUT HE ALSO SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME IF WE WORK THINGS OUT. HE SAYS HE INTENDS TO HAVE GAY FRIENDS. BUT HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE WANTS A CONNECTION WITH SOMEBODY WHETHER ITS A MAN OR WOMEN. I DONT KNOW IF HES TRULLY GAY OR IF HE BI. HE SAYS HE FINDS MEN REALLY ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SAYS HE COULD MARRY ME IF WE WORK ON IT. CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INPUT ON WHAT YOU THINK?
THANKS
NICOLE

Dear Nicole,

My first instinct and thoughts are that you must not settle. You mention that the sex is great but out of a 24 hour period, how much of that time is spent in the bed, huh? You must also enjoy the company of your lover/husband. Now, you may very well have just failed to mention, that you enjoy his company? But first and foremost, your man must also be your best friend and someone you can trust.

Trust comes in many forms and fashion. Trust can mean, that you trust him with your very life. Trust can also mean that you trust that he will not hurt you, once you've invested your heart, with him. Of course, can you trust him to be loyal and monogamous? In this day and age, you sleep with whomever he sleeps with, get my drift. I have many friends with HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C, including myself, my dead husband and my second husband, so don't think it can't happen to you.

My advice to you, is to make your feelings known that if you two do hook up, you must be able to trust him, as you have far too much to lose. I also would like you to really look at your real relationship; Is it a fancy? Is it really love or infatuation or lust? Make sure you know the difference before you commit.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Showing Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Xmichra answers...



Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, i am looking for advice. My situation is deffinately not an easy one. You see i'm fifteen & am dating, or i should say.. was dating a seventeen year old. We got along so great, it was finally like my serious boyfriend where i was comfortable around and just had a good time. We dated for three months and unfortunately made a stupid decision where we had done something together which shouldn't of happened. [we were "sexually" active, but not to the point where i was having sex, if you know what i mean?] It's not an easy topic to talk about. Well my mom had found out from reading a text message of mine, and she pretty much flipped. Then on top of that rumors stated he cheated on me, i finally think i got to the bottom of that, it ended up as his x gf just made it up to break us up because she still is in love with him, but my mom found that out to & she just had it. Now were broken up, cause i said i needed time, but we are working on getting back together & starting fresh, like no more fighting and things, but the problem is my parents refuse to let me see him. I don't know what to do, i will not get over him, i like him TOO much just to throw it all away. I'm stubborn and always want what i cant have, so i really need to find a way to prove to my mother i'm sorry & hopefully get her to consider letting me see him again. :[ please help me, i don't know what to do. I understand why she is mad, i dont blame her. I messed up but people make mistakes and i deffiantely learned. I also feel bad because i keep lying to my x boyfriend about how i can't see him, cause he has no idea about what is going on. If you can get back to me as soon as possible. thanks a bunch<3333

Dear Friend,

Let me just say that as a used to be teen… I 100% understand. You are not alone in feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, and if you are anything like your letter sounds you do appear to be as responsible as a teen can be. That’s saying a lot.

So to the question at hand, what to do now. I am assuming that you are female here.. but if you are male, there is some much different advice to give.

Pretty much goes one of two ways, you keep lying to your boy and to your family and one day you will get caught (and trust me, it always works like that) and you will have affirmed to your parents that you cannot be trusted.. and your boy will likely think you are ashamed of him… which will likely result in a break up.

Or, and this is that hard part of life, you tell the truth all the time. You tell your parents that you want to keep seeing this boy. Maybe (and I know this sounds lame) having “dates” where you are at your parents house so that they feel more comfortable. Or in group settings like the movies. Places where “things” aren’t going to happen will help to build back that trust.

You do have to watch the legal age for sexual consent in your area as well. If your parents do not like this boy and really think that he is not good for you… well there could be a statutory rape charge if anything else were to happen. So be VERY careful about that. I know that you said the boy is 17, but how close is he to 18?? Think about those things, as you really don’t want things to go messy.

It might also help to have a really honest talk with your parents (or singly as sometimes moms and dads differ in reason) about what you want to do with your life and how you know sex is something to big for now. That you genuinely like this guy, and you do want to date him. And that you would appreciate a little bit of trust, and to trust that they brought you up to be a smart girl. You can say that you have learned that things were going too fast, and you know that in your head (or you would have just had sex) and that you would like the opportunity to show them that you are a sensible young woman.

Appeal to their parental prowess and that should gain a little ground on your part. If you go into a conversation like this unprepared.. you might come off sounding juvenile and they will not bend.

Now, having said all that.. I know that this is a topic that most people have a problem discussing. But if you start now, and open that pathway it could save you in the long run. No parent wants to hear that their little girl is having sex. It just isn’t a good thing in a parents eyes. All a parent can think is how much they have ‘put in’ to make your life better then theirs was and how fast it can take a drastic turn with the event of pregnancy, STD’s and physical abuse. These are the worst fears a parent faces.. something bad happening to their child, or something that will take away their child’s right to progress in a healthy timeline. So if you remember this, and respect that your parents have a very real fear.. then you might be able to change their minds. They may ask to know this boy a little more, maybe they are truly uncomfortable because they cannot tell what kind of person he is. And that is something you need to decide before you talk, weather this is something that you are willing to do so that you can preserve a relationship.

You do need to fess up to the boyfriend though. He needs to know that you are not ashamed of him, but that you need a little time to win your parents over. Starting of ‘fresh’ should include not lying, so keep that in mind.

Ultimately this is your decision, and hopefully it will go well for you if you take that second road. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don't trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he'll do right by me but I just don't because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?




Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I'll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he'll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn't believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that's what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you've built this wall and they'll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep's clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you're bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin' around. He can't seem to get his act together. There's always one thing or another. He's got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he's doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don't see you being, "In Love," with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won't turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, "Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn't as bad with you by my side." Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, "Hey, I got problems." So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, "let's dance" and you've been sitting so long, you'd finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I'd be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, "OK, here's my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I'll expect you to just run and you won't need me, right?"

If this guy was here right now, I'd just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here's a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don't use YOUR problems against me, then you'll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of... Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there's no "I" in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that's not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can't fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who's an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, "Hey, poop or get off the pot here," tell him, I'm not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it's not me. It's him and he's using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you've been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that's all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it's so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment...

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I'm still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he's not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don't want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don't want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can't really expect too much from him. What's the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it's time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that's it, that's all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he's willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but... not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don't like that feeling, that you can't express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can't express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I'm sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You'd better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn't it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don't get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you'd probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won't be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a "Couple's Relationship"? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can't answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, "his problems" you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don't think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don't have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can't give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he's your dog, he won't run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.