Dear Aunt B,My ex cheated on me & fell out of love with me & didnt tell me till 4 months after. Its effected my relationship now. We've been on & off for nearly 2 years & its all because im so insecure when hes not around me. Hes moved from one place to another because he just cant seem to settle, but now hes settled in scotland (12 hours away from me) hes getting into the police force up there & my daughter & i are wanting to go with him when the training starts as we know then we'll be stable but i just cant seem to stop myself being insecure. Its causing arguments & its ruining our relationship. I do love him & i know he loves me but i cant get rid of the insecurities. I know he talks to girls & i know they're all just friends but its purely cause he gets on better with girls. I sometimes feel like im just a burden on him but the problems go away when im around him & i want to be able to be calm & happy without worrying if he'll cheat when hes not around me! What can i do to help myself get rid of this thing thats killing my mind?
Emma x
Dear Emma x,My first thought is to tell you to "Let Go and Let God."Just a reminder, okay?
An insecure woman can choke the very life out of a man that, for all intent and purpose is not cheating. And we've got to get you over all this baggage, which of course you are carrying from your prior relationship.
Now look, I've been in your high heels before. I've been burned, fooled around on and know exactly how it feels. It actually made me insane, well, more insane than usual, lol! Those of us who love with such great abandon, fervor and passion, I do believe hurt more deeply when a partner strays.
It is most assuredly the ultimate betrayal, at least in my opinion, when you've invested your heart only to have it stomped on. It makes it extremely hard to focus on anything but the indiscretion not to mention all the mixed emotions and questions you ask of yourself, in example;
- What did I do to deserve this?
- What did I do wrong?
- What could I have done to stop it?
- Is it because I don't turn him on?
- Am I ugly/fat/gross/undeserving/undesirable/not sexy?
Oddly enough, in most situations, all of those questions are absurdly not warranted and basically have nothing to do with the actual crux of the matter. They sure as hell have nothing to do with you and are a personal issue that the man is dealing with. But it's usually a given, if we're willing to admit it, that we have asked ourselves those very questions.
It's been documented that (don't quote me on this) the average man thinks about sex in one form or another every 90 seconds. They're hardwired differently than we are, obviously. (I asked my three sons if they felt this was a valid statement and they agreed that it was) So, the moral of the story is that the faithful man is one that does not act on his urges and is not impulsive.
The Crux
When we get right down to it though, the men that do fool around on a woman they say they love and adore, it's most often because they have self-esteem issues themselves. And what happens is that trollop/whore/slut/good for nothin'/low down dirty dog filled a void, your ex man had. Yes, believe it or not it really has nothing to do with you (and I'm betting on this as I happen to know that are very attractive)
In any relationship, up to and including yours, TRUST is the main gazane . It's a must and if you don't have it, well G-Friend, it creates havoc and chaos in an otherwise good and possibly healthy relationship. I imagine that you already know this...so what to do?
Your trust factor is burned out and you must explain this. At the same time, you'll also have to become aware of your torturous tactics, those which you are punishing your man with, currently. It's not fair to portray your insecurities upon him unless he has done something to make you feel this way. I think you are well aware of this and want to fix it, evidently or you'd have not written me in the first place, eh?
Perspective
Life is, truly, all about perspective. It's all about how we view ourselves as well as others. It's all about our Nouns; persons, places and things, is it not? Yes, you'll have to begin to put things in order, put them back into a healthy perspective. And it begins with trust.
As I said at the start, sometimes you have to let go and let God. It never ever hurts to pray for/about things we have no control over. No, you can't be with your man 24/7 and you can't watch his every move. And if the truth were known, you'll make yourself crazy if you do not stop this way of thinking.
You'll have to begin to show trust and this will only come from a mind state, a realization that even the *Bible tells of the woe and sorrow brought on by a nagging wife. Hush before speaking, think before saying, shut up before accusing.
Furthermore, begin your day, begin this new you, a new regimen;
Sit up, on the edge of your bed and say the word, "STOPS!!!"
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely
From: The Silent Scream
Let me state something before I end this letter; **"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." What I'm implying or referring to is your statement that he gets along better with females. No Ma'am, I don't like it and it's a recipe for disaster. It's is and always will be a really really bad idea. And you can tell him I said so!
It's all fine and dandy to be cordial with the lady friends but anything more than that when he's in a relationship is playing with fire.
If he doesn't agree, then I want to know one thing; **Is it okay for you to have male friends??? I'm betting my ass that he'll say that he doesn't mind but the very minute one of your so called friends were to text you or call on the telly, he's going to go ballistic.
Start over fresh when you go to be with your Policeman. Have a new mind set which is something you'll have to work on. Have your wonderful man read this. I don't know you and you don't know me. This means no harm, no foul as it's not like airing your dirty laundry in public for all to see. What it does mean is that you care enough to seek counsel, you care enough to work on your own emotional baggage. Oh and leave that bag at the Train Station on your way Scotland!!!
Keeping It Real,
Aunt B*Proverbs 21:9
<<> | Proverbs 21 | Proverbs 22 >>
9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
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