"What's The Real Deal?"

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...


Dear Aunt Babz,

I met Kate during a trip to L.A. this past March. We met while in line to be in a television show audience. (Actually, it was the Ellen show!) We ended up chatting for hours while in line. Anyways… I was in town with my family just for the weekend, and she was living there for work for a few months. She ended up offering my family & I a ride to the airport the next day.

We had exchanged phone numbers and sent texts to each other asking ‘how are you?’ and whatnot (nothing much at all) over the course of the rest of the spring, and then the summer. More and more texts were exchanged, and in August, right after she broke up with her girlfriend, she randomly invited me to her house in Austin for a pool party. (Luckily I can fly for free because my mom works for American Airlines).

At the pool party, we all ended up drinking, and that night, Kate asked me to sleep in her bed. We ended up fooling around, but did not have sex. She initiated it all. We cuddled and sleep together in her bed.

Over the course of the next few months, I began visiting nearly every other weekend. We began calling each other several times a day, and having very long phone conversations…sometimes going on as long as two or more hours. I even had my mother put her on her flight benefits list so that she could fly for very cheap.

One night, after fooling around, she asked if I was sleeping with anyone else. I told her no. She told me she wasn’t either and hadn’t been.

In October, she invited me to her cousins’ big Halloween party in Louisiana. We flew together there, slept in her cousins’ spare bedroom bed together (cuddled, no sex), and had a wonderful time in general.

When she drives me to the airport, sometimes she puts her hand on my thigh or hold my hand. She never kisses me goodbye, just hugs.

We still talk every single day, and when we aren’t on the phone with each other, we text a lot.

Now here is the PROBLEM. One day, I texted Kate and told her that I regretted not having kissed her when I said goodbye at the airport (thinking that she’d say something to the same effect back.) She responded by saying that I could have kissed her, but that she is NOT on the market for “something serious.” I responded telling her I really like her, or something like that.

In November, Kate invited me to an early Thanksgiving dinner at her family’s house (a week prior to the real Thanksgiving). I said yes, and in turn, invited her also to my family’s Thanksgiving. I ended up going with her, and I met her parents and sister and all that jazz. She turned down my invitation because she had to go to her grandparents for the real Thanksgiving.

One night we were fooling around and she said, “You realize I’m going to have to stop.” (Meaning she wasn’t going to have sex with me, just fool around only). I told her this is something we should talk about. I asked her what “serious” means to her, she said “no commitment” and “more recently, I guess, no sex.” (Her and I do fool around quite heavily, and make out, and all that kinda stuff, but never have actually had full-on sex with each other.)

I asked Kate the next day if she would prefer to just be friends (and I mentioned that we aren’t always very “friendly” with each other, meaning that we go above and beyond that…). She said that “friends is best” and that lots of times when people drink, they fool around. And that’s another time, every single time we have ever really fooled around, we have always have some amount of alcohol before that. We aren’t usually DRUNK, just have lower inhibitions.

Kate’s best friend / cousin who I’ve met and hung out with many times as well, told me that Kate adores me, but isn’t really ready for a relationship. And that I should “give her some time.”

Kate and I still talk EVERY SINGLE DAY, MULTIPLE times a day. AND text like crazy. We call to tell each other anytime anything funny or big or serious happens in our lives. We plan trips together, and talk about what sorts of things we should do in the future, (example: camping, Europe trip, etc).

One time we had a conversation and she said that she does not want to sleep with multiple people, and she just wanted to make sure I knew that. She asked me if I was into that, and I said no.

She just claims that in the past she has “jumped into relationships” and is “opposed” to doing that again. She said she isn’t ready for one right now. She says that I’m “adorable.” She kisses me and holds me whenever I sleep over. She asks me big deep questions and shows a serious interest in my life and my dreams and goals, etc.

BUT I have heard her say many confusing and conflicting things. Once when she was drinking I heard her say, “IF I was single…” Yet another time, I overheard her say, “I’m not REALLY in a relationship.” And still another time she told me that a friend asked her if she had a girlfriend, and she said no.

I am SO CONFUSED. I thought after four months of visiting her, sleeping in her bed, meeting her family, talking to her several times daily, confiding in her, kissing her, fooling around with her, holding her while she slept, etc. we were girlfriends… But I guess I’m wrong?

If she says “friends is best” should I tell her that when I visit again, I cannot sleep in her bed, nor make out or fool around with her, or anything like that? Should I ask her what “girlfriend” means to her?

WHAT SHOULD I DO???

I am falling in love with her and I thought she felt the same, and she tells me four months into dating that she is not looking for anything serious. But I think that everything I have mentioned above is enough criteria to be considered her girlfriend, no? Except the sex part. But we DO fool around heavily, and nearly have sex all the time. To me, sex is extra. A relationship is more about the connection and the emotions. Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m SO confused and I would REALLY appreciate any advice you could provide.

Thanks SO much.

-Alexandra

Dear Alexandra,

So far, I feel you've been extremely patient, possibly, more than most. But I get an over all feeling, that some serious head games are being played here. Control and manipulation, also come to mind.

Kate may very well have really good reasons, for her behavior but it still doesn't sit well. It's quite possible that Kate has been seriously burned, in the past and feels the need to wear an Asbestos Suit? I mean, we have to respect her feelings and I believe you have but none of this has been very fair to you and it's got you in knots. It must be terribly difficult to go through the motions and emotions, thus far, you've had to endure.

At this juncture, in this game, I ask you, truly, what do you have to lose, if you open up a bit more and reveal the truth to her? The truth being, telling her that you care for her beyond friendship. The truth is also that she's sending out mixed signals, in the name of friendship.

I've been very close to girlfriends, in the past. I have found myself, in a similar situation where we crossed the line, usually, under the influence. Of course, it quite often changed the components of our friendship, as it always will.

Even if Kate doesn't mean to be manipulating, she most certainly is and shows clear signs of being very controlling. She seems, to keep you at arms length, pulls you close and then pushes you back. She's either a very messed up individual, for whatever reason or she's calculating and is methodically orchestrating this whole scenario. Only you can answer this question???

Taking Back Control

Just as there are different levels of love, there are also varying degrees of friendship. But quite honestly, you have to ask yourself, really, do good friends mess around, as you have? Sure, shit happens but over and over? No, most friends do not sleep together, even if it's only everything but the actual act of orgasm. Honestly, I do believe if you took a poll and you asked people if friends mess around, they'd say, "NO." Of course, ever person and every friendship is different and there are no rules which actually define your relationships. Only you can define friendship and I do believe you'd not be writing me, if you weren't perplexed and looking for that friendship definition, yourself.

I have the distinct feeling that Kate has many secrets. I am not implying that she's deceptive or out and out dishonest. However, I do feel she has conveniently omitted parts of her life or rather reasons for her behavior. Although it's not unusual for someone to want to take things slowly, to be cautious and even to make the statement that they don't want to get into, "something serious," I think it's high time to take back control.

Alright, you can stay in limbo land forever or you can ask yourself, "Do I really want to play this game?" As I said before, you have nothing to lose by revealing some or all of your feelings and emotions, at this point. You certainly do not have any semblance of a real relationship, if she can't even say you are her girlfriend. Being her girlfriend doesn't commit you to forever but it does say what you mean to each other. Is it not time for some definition here?

I always tell my clients, the best way to communicate some of your deepest emotion is on paper, by writing a letter. If you feel this is too impersonal, I recommend crib notes, when you make the call. I would simply say, that at this point, you feel she wants a commitment from you by asking you if you are sleeping with anybody? What if you said yes, you were sleeping with other people, would that upset her? In turn, it is within your right, to ask for some definition as to how you both really feel. It doesn't have to have a "Serious," label, to command some definition, either. I mean you can tell her that you are not asking her to marry you, it's just that you really care about her, enough to ward off any other relationships, out of loyalty to what? Is it loyalty to friendship? If it is just friendship, you do not commit to that person. I think she has, in so many words and innuendo's, asked you to commit, yet holds you at bay. You know it too, don't you? Tell her you're not asking her to move in or marry but you feel she owns your heart. Now, what will you do with my heart?

She must care for you or she'd not invite you to family affairs and so on. Beyond the friendship, you've behaved as a couple, when it's been convenient for her. I think it's safe to say, you have a right to definition and simply stated, you ask her, out and out, if she cares enough to let you in on her big secret; Her real feelings.

On the flip side, she may be struggling with Lesbian situations? It's a possibility that she will not go all the way because she might think it's wrong? There's a lot of religious junk, people can often go through, in their struggle to be true to themselves. I as well as my own son, have struggled with the ramifications of a gay lifestyle and so on. Is it wrong? Is it against what God wants for me? Having said this, I must say that I believe that God made us, he knows our heart and being gay is as natural to us, as it is to hetero's. I think the problem, as far as religion goes, is in the blatant deviance. I do not feel God likes us just going out on Friday and Saturday nights just to hook up and score. But that goes for everybody, not just the Gay community. So, ask yourself, is this a possibility, that she is having a hard time to grips with her sexuality?

I think you need to communicate and have a serious conversation, making it clear that you care, enough to question the magnitude of your relationship. Tell her, it's time to show her cards and although she owes you nothing, you care enough to ask, "What's The Real Deal?" You owe it to yourself, remember this!

It's A Matter of Trust

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

HI MY NAME IS NICOLE. I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW. HIS NAME IS JAMES. WE HAVE A 1 YR OLD BABY TOGETHER. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN KINDA ROCKY THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS AND ALOT OF IT HAS TO DO WITH ME. I FOUND OUT A COUPLE YEARS THAT JAMES WAS ATTRACTED TO MEN. HE SAID HE WAS BI. WE CONTINUED OUR RELATIONSHIP TILL NOW. I HAD SOMEWHAT DISTANCED MYSELF AWAY FROM HIM BECUASE I WAS SCARED. NOW HE TELLS ME THAT HE WAS TRYING TO HAVE SOMETHING WITH ME AGAIN AND I DIDNT LET HIM SO HE MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE. WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE TOGETHER SO ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DEAL WITH. HE IS TALKING TO A MAN NOW. I HAD FINALLY REALIZED THAT I LOVE THIS PERSON AND THAT I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM. HE SAYS HE WILL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE BUT HE IS GOING TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES ALONG. OUR SEX LIFE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. WE HAD BEEN TALKING THE LAST WEEK ABOUT US. HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US GETTING MARRIED. I THOUGHT THAT WAS ODD BECUASE HE HAD DREAMS ABOUT US HAVE A DAUGHTER TO AND THAT HAPPENED. THE ONLY THING IM LOST ON IS HIS SEXUALITY. HE SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH A MAN, BUT HE ALSO SAYS HE CAN SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME IF WE WORK THINGS OUT. HE SAYS HE INTENDS TO HAVE GAY FRIENDS. BUT HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE WANTS A CONNECTION WITH SOMEBODY WHETHER ITS A MAN OR WOMEN. I DONT KNOW IF HES TRULLY GAY OR IF HE BI. HE SAYS HE FINDS MEN REALLY ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SAYS HE COULD MARRY ME IF WE WORK ON IT. CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INPUT ON WHAT YOU THINK?
THANKS
NICOLE

Dear Nicole,

My first instinct and thoughts are that you must not settle. You mention that the sex is great but out of a 24 hour period, how much of that time is spent in the bed, huh? You must also enjoy the company of your lover/husband. Now, you may very well have just failed to mention, that you enjoy his company? But first and foremost, your man must also be your best friend and someone you can trust.

Trust comes in many forms and fashion. Trust can mean, that you trust him with your very life. Trust can also mean that you trust that he will not hurt you, once you've invested your heart, with him. Of course, can you trust him to be loyal and monogamous? In this day and age, you sleep with whomever he sleeps with, get my drift. I have many friends with HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C, including myself, my dead husband and my second husband, so don't think it can't happen to you.

My advice to you, is to make your feelings known that if you two do hook up, you must be able to trust him, as you have far too much to lose. I also would like you to really look at your real relationship; Is it a fancy? Is it really love or infatuation or lust? Make sure you know the difference before you commit.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Kid in a Candy Store

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

I am 23 and recently out and had been visiting a couple of the gay bars, here in my little town. I really fell for this guy, we'll call Bobby. He's so sweet and so cute, sexy too. My problem is that, as I said, I have really fallen head over high heels for this guy. We've been out a few times and yes, we had sex over and over and it was really great. I felt something for him. It pains me to say this but he's really flirtatious and whatever else, with other guys. It's driving me insane. No he hasn't committed to me and I have no right over him but it really bothers me, no it really hurts me, when I see him with someone else. I think he's gone home with this other guy. I was actually angry about it. Then I was just hurt. It seems he can be with me one night and then with someone else the next. I'm not like that. Yes, I wanted the sex, as much as he did. No he never said he wanted to see only me and I didn't say that either. I'm kind of scared to tell him really how I feel, yet it makes me a raving bitch when I see him talking to other men. Aunt B, what can I do?

Hey Friend,

I can relate and have been in your shoes before. Not a comfortable fit, huh? So, we gotta stretch them out and make it work. Pay Less has a sale...

You seem to have some semblance of reality, concerning what or how you should feel. You're right; No, you have no right to feel this way but yet you do. Maybe the only thing you can do, is chance telling him just exactly how you feel. What do you really have to lose, other than, that chance he won't feel the same way?

A lot of times, young guys, newly out, want to play the field, sew their oats and see and do it all. I know I was like that. The prospect of settling down, right after I came out, were next to none. But one side of me, longed for a loving relationship, while the other was like a kid in a candy store, every Friday and Saturday Nite. I'd go to the Clubs, have such a good time, dance-n-date the night away and not think of a real relationship. My favorite place to go, was a club in D.C. called Traxx. It all went down there and who could possibly want to be tied down to one person, when all that's going on? Bobby may still be the kid in the candy store, you see?

It happens, more than not, you do and will grow weary, as we all do, of going home alone, or maybe even being with someone, only to have them not call. Even the hardest and most seasoned Veterans of this scenario, grow tired, I think.

I also think your friend, Bobby, may not be there yet and you have to understand. It doesn't hurt to tell him, that you care, beyond just a fling. You may get your feelings hurt, when and if he says he doesn't feel the same way. But if you prepare for it and the fact that he's not on the same page, as yourself, well, maybe it won't sting, quite as bad. You then, must not take it personal. I know that's easier said, than done but it's reality.

Chalk it up to a life lesson, move on and I guarantee, Mr. Right will eventually come your way. As I said before, eventually, we all get tired of the game. Mr. Right will have grown tired of that game too and just want to enjoy your company. You'll see.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.


Aunt Babz Said...

I agree with Soulseer. I hope you can move on, if this fella, doesn't want or understand having a relationship. The right guy will come along and as Soulseer said, you just wait and see!

Stand Tall

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B,
first off i think what you do is a very noble indeed. There should be more portals for humans to acquire guidance from the viewpoint of a complete stranger with much wisdom. For this i thank you.
I am 28 years old and have had caused some of the problems in my life for a reason that eludes me. My very first sexual experience is what determined my orientation when it came to sexual desire. This moment was fated to be shared with the same sex. It was a few years later, at the ripe age of 13 when i was awakened to the divine nature of the the opposite sex. For the rest of my childhood into adult hood i hardly thought of my first sexual encounter and instead choose to devout my time and imagination to the splendor that is the female. All my time was spent with my various girlfriends, our sex life was bustling and I had always felt completely relaxed and open with them. Then finally at the age of 22, without a girlfriend, I reacquainted my self with my gay side and began relations with other men. I decided to keep my preference from my loved ones and friends because i knew if they found out they would be heartbroken and disgusted with me. I felt this had to be kept in the closet. I also noticed that my persona around the men that i dated was all business. In other words the only thing i desired from them was sex, and nothing more. I always felt uncomfortable around them before and after the act so therefore never really got to know any of them. Things have been going this way for about 6 years until i started to become close again with a girl who was my best friend growing up. We have been hanging recently and things are very good, in fact it seems that our relationship could progress in to something more. I then realized it was essential to get a std test which i did with the test result coming back clean. It was about this time that one of my closest friends believed that i was gay and spread this rumor about me which would eventually inform everyone that i cared about. Even my mother hinted at it to which i replied that she was wrong and i always preferred woman. However all of my friend's were not so easy to convince, in fact each of my friendships have suffered a great deal while some of my closest allies have deserted me and we no longer talk. I feel like every time i hang out with a friend they show disrespect, anger and disgust towards me which in turns instills hatred towards them and then later, much pain and distress inside me which leaves me tired and melancholy. I am afraid the girl, my old friend who has just recently come back into my life will hear about these accusations and leave me. I don't want to admit that i am gay because it would ruin my chances of settling down with a woman and raising a family, something i look forward to doing so greatly. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. i want to date this girl, and i don't want to be thought as gay any longer by my friends. thanks for reading my serious dilemma.
sincerely
Fading Fast

~~~

Dear Fading Fast,

I appreciate your comment about doing this page, when actually; I am only trying to get into heaven, lol! Really, it is simply because I’ve been there, done that and learned. I am also very empathic but I simply want to give back. So, I do appreciate it, when I get recognition, such as yours. That is my reward and if you tell me, that I have helped you. I hope I can.

My Dear, it sounds like you are in a state, much like my own son went through. Yes, my son is gay. He had tried to be with women and it just didn’t work. I think he was and has always been torn, though. He loves and respects women but his attraction is with men. At the same time, a lot of gay relationships are not really relationships but encounters. But let me point out, that quite often this happens in hetero situations too. It’s just sex and hopefully, its safe sex. Speaking of, I’m glad you’ve been responsible and had yourself checked. I’m even happier that you came back clean. I am in contact with many gay men, who were not so fortunate. It only takes once and don’t you know every single one of them said the same thing, “I didn’t think it would happen to me,” and “Well, he didn’t look like he had AIDS/HIV?” I am quite sure you are aware of this, right? I just had to put my two cents in, when given the opportunity.

This world can be so very cruel, my friend. You have witnessed it, first hand, have you not? Because it is so brutal sometimes, let me tell you that if I could have turned off my sons gay tendencies, many, many years ago, I would have. Why? Because 20+ years ago, there was no tolerance, not like you have today. He suffered terribly. No Mom wants their child to go through the endless harassment or labeling that goes with the stigma of a gay lifestyle. But I have unconditional love for my son. He is also my best friend and if I had to pick only one person to be with on a deserted island, it would be him. We’d have to have music and munchies and we’d party the entire time and talk. We love each other. I was not always the best Mom but he forgave me and that is what it’s all about.

Let me make something clear; I believe in Monogamy. Why do I bring this up? Well, let me tell you…

The way we perceive the gay community is based on religion, is it not? I am not fond of deviance and there is a lot of deviance in both the gay and straight community. Of course, the straight community loves to point out the flaws in the gay community but I’m calling them both on the carpet. I do believe that God has a problem with deviant behavior, not the fact that you have gay tendencies. He created you. Does God make mistakes? I think not and he knows your heart. No, God has a problem with all people just looking for sex. There is no love in it and when it is done continually, it will blacken your soul. It can be an addiction just as bad as drugs. When you have behaved in a deviant manner, you don’t feel good, huh? How do I know this? I know this because I have behaved that way and I know it is wrong. I fight it off every day. Yes, I have a dark side, hell I’ve danced with the devil. If a wrong could be done, I did it. Now, I am trying to be a better person.

Here’s the difference; If you are looking for a relationship, whether it be gay or straight, it should not involve sex from the git-go. Sex and relationship are two different things. I think we all have approached it wrong. We go out on a Friday or Saturday night, hoping to get lucky. This is wrong. If we are looking to meet, fall in love and plan a life together, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Gay or straight, if you are looking for a relationship, a true love, a real monogamous life, I encourage it. I don’t think my God has any problem with this, either. My son is not going to hell because he is gay. I do not and will not believe this. He is in a loving relationship and doing well.

No, I have not become sidetracked here. I am laying the groundwork for what I have to say;

1. If you have behaved deviantly, ask your higher power for forgiveness.
2. If you are trying to have a good healthy relationship, I encourage it.
3. If you are ashamed of your past, stop it and after doing #1, I’ll point out that guilt doesn’t come from God, so where does it come from? Think about that.
4. Be true to yourself.
5. Stand tall and do not bow. No one person has the right to condemn you or judge you. If you are standing tall, you will not behave like a victim.
6. Are you giving off a victim vibe?
7. Your sexual preference, past, present or future, is nobody’s business.
8. If you are gay it’s nobody’s business.
9. If you behaved in a gay manner in the past or experimented, it is only your business. You owe no one an explanation, not even your family.
10. Be encouraged, I stand behind you. Anyone that cares about you will also accept you as you are, the others do not matter.

I want you to go to your Higher Power and speak to Him/Her, this is between the two of you and no one else. From that moment on, you answer to no one but your Higher Power. You stand tall. If you act effeminate and this is why you are targeted, you put yourself in an awareness of it and you try to articulate. It can be done, if you are aware of it. People have to polish themselves all the time. I had a very prominent Southern accent. After hearing myself on the radio, I chose to change that and articulate with awareness. People learn to speak in front of crowds and often are not born with these skills. Be aware and stop being a victim. I am not saying that you are but we do tend to allow ourselves to be victimized, do we not. But if you adapt an assertive, no nonsense, I will not take your judgmental bullshit anymore attitude, people will perceive you differently.

Life is perception. Whether or not we are accepted in life does have a lot to do with how independently we think and behave. Have you ever seen a kid being picked on in school? It is because he has shown a victims side and the bully sees it. Most bullies are the ones with the most to prove. We often perceived them as stronger between the passive or aggressive types. In all due reality, it is these people who have to point out others flaws to feel better about themselves. Do not be a passive person. I do not want you to be aggressive either but assertive. You take a stand in this world and say to anyone that confronts you about your “Gayness” that you don’t owe them a damn thing much less an explanation of your sexuality. You do not owe your own Mother that. You are a man and as long as you are trying to live right, you owe no one, NO ONE.

What is living right? Living right is when you have a relationship with your higher power, knowing that you answer to a higher authority. Do not be afraid. We all make mistakes, we all screw up we all sin. It is in our nature to sin, isn’t it? So, when we do but are trying to live right, we confess it, let it go and try to do our best. We go on with an attitude that we will do to others, what we want done to us. We won’t purposely hurt anyone and we will be accountable for our actions. We don’t try to get over or scam people at home, in life or in the workplace. We do not judge others or look down our noses. It’s so simple yet we complicate it all, now don’t we? It is not about being religious but becoming Spiritual and true to oneself. And that is all I want you to do; be true to yourself. You owe nothing, so stop giving or paying for what you do not owe.

Now, go on and be happy and fall in love and have a family. From this moment on, all your junk is handed off and there’s nothing to find, nothing to pay for and no one but your higher power to answer to. Stand tall.