Weighing The Odds

Dear Aunt B,


I've just recently graduated high school. I'm dating a great guy who(unfortunately) has had a few run-ins with the law that will stay with him for the rest of his life(these happened many years ago for him, and he's 20). He and I are polar opposites(different favorite genres of music, different movie favorites, everything) and yet somehow we usually work well together. Our relationship has been off and on for the past two years(my parents don't approve of us being together), and last year I started talking to him again after a prior breakup, but my parents found out and I had to cut off communications with him.

A few months after not talking to him, a friend asked me out and I said yes. My now-boyfriend found out during the summer about this friend and I dating(he saw us walking together and at that point he still assumed we were dating cause I hadn't been able to tell him otherwise), and it really hurt him. About 8 months ago I broke up with my friend(he turned into a jerk) and a month or so later(after I had cooled down) I started talking to my boyfriend again, apologizing and explaining what happened. He accepted my apology and took me back. We've been currently dating for about 7-8 months. I've also recently got a Facebook(never really wanted one before, but friends wanted me to, so I decided to try it) and through it I connected with people I haven't seen in a long time. I found a guy on there that has been my friend for about 6 years now, so I started talking to him again.

Just a sidenote, because my parents don't approve of me dating my boyfriend, I have to hide it from them and can usually only talk to him through IM and only occasionally see him until I move to college.

Anyways, so my friend(who's 23. Yeah, I know, what's up with the older guys, right?) and I caught up through Facebook. He was dating a girl at that time, and I tried to help him through problems they were having, but they ended up breaking up. About a month or so later of us talking, he told me that he feels something for me(he knows I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend doesn't know about him). And the truth is, awhile after he told me that, I feel something for him too. And it really hurts to admit it, because I think I love my boyfriend as well. Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit. My friend is very sweet to me and will do nearly anything to make me feel better and to make me smile. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but he tries his best to make me smile too. But my boyfriend and I recently got in to a fight. I'm a bit phobic of drinking because of a past boyfriend of mine, and I told this to my current boyfriend. This mixed with a couple more conversations and he told me that he feels like I was trying to change him. I wasn't at all, I was just saying that I don't like him drinking is all. At the end of the fight(I hate misunderstandings), I told him that I didn't want to change him, but hiding things that scare me from him stresses me out alot. He said more or less that if something like that happened again, he couldn't continue the relationship, and that was the end of our arguement. I told my friend about it, and he was very sympathetic. Our conversation that day led to him admitting that he thought he was falling in love with me, but I didn't know what to say back.

I feel something for both guys. Physically, I could care less what they look like. Emotionally, my friend understands me more. In nearly every way my friend is better for me than my boyfriend. But when I think about leaving my boyfriend again, I want to cry. I don't know how to handle it, but I need to know who I should date. This is my last summer before I go off to college, and I want it to not be so stressful.

Can you please help me? No one else has been able to yet.

Guy Troubles




Dear Guy Troubles:

Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind, and you need some validation. If it were me personally, I would want to date a person who was respectful and who understands things that I have gone through and is willing to listen to me, rather than throw ultimatums at me from a simple discussion. Is this sinking in as to what I would do?? I hope so.

Sometimes when we have invested so much time into a relationship, it is difficult to end it simply based on all the work you’ve had to do to maintain it. You may thing you love this guy, and you might. But are you *in* love, that is the real question. I am sitting here reading what you wrote, and I am going to guess, no. Not because of anything bad that has occurred, but from this sentence:
“Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit.”

I know it may seem like you just can’t break it off with your boyfriend... but I am telling you that you may fall into something with your facebook friend that could wind up hurting your current boyfriend. Simple conversation can quickly turn into an affair when your feelings are so confused.

I think it’s time you really look at the situation and how you really feel for your boyfriend, and stop weighing the odds against the Facebook friend. Think about the two of you, how things are working out, how he treats you, how you feel with him and about him. This will help you to clarify what you need to do.

Hope you get some peace of mind.

~Xmichra.

100% Ownership

This is an Update from;

Ones Own Trap???

Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she's being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that's why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn't help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,

It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.

I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.

This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.

Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.

Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.

And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.

~~*Xmichra~~

Ones Own Trap???

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.


♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Dear Aunt B,

(this might be long) My friend and I have been best friends since the first grade and are now in our senior year of high school. We have been through A LOT of fights but they were mostly small fights that we get over in a day. We are so close that we act like sisters and it feels that way sometimes, but other times i can't stand her. She can be a rude, self-centered, spoiled bitch. First however, i have to tell you, we both haven't been good friends to each other. She went out with a guy that i had a huge thing for. Then, last year i made out with the guy that she really liked behind her back. She never knew and they started going out, then it happened again. So basically he cheated on her with me, but all we did was kiss, which is still bad. Anyway, this was all a big secret until this past summer when i spilled the beans out of guilt. She was obviously extremely upset but she managed to forgive the both of us somehow. Her forgiving me really made me love her more, but now I find myself hating her. She has actually always pretty much been like this, and im pretty much the only one who would put up with her, but now i dont know if i want to anymore. I feel so dumb sayin this about her when im the one who betrayed her, but i cant help it. One of the things that bothers me so much is that ALL she talks about is her boyfriend! The one that cheated on her with me! I dont want to hear about her dumb ass boyfriend! He's an idiot! I even tell her that she talks about him all the time and she still does it. I could probably go on and on about all the little things she does that bug me but ill just sum it up now and ask what do i do? I really hate drama so I don't really want to say ' i do not wish to be your friend any longer' and have this huge fight and avoid each other at school. But at the same time, i feel so trapped in our friendship. What do you think?

Dear Anonymous,

I think it sounds like you two were really close. But it also sounds like this last act has pulled you two apart.

Even the very best of friends get into fights or think poorly of one another for short periods of time. And that is because ultimately we are all different people, and we all feel differently about things. Take for instance you called her a rude self centered bitch at times. And that may very well be the truth: to you. Maybe she feels like she is joking around when you feel she is being rude. Maybe she feels like if you won’t ask a guy out, that’s your problem, which yes is a little self centered and bitch like. But it’s also going for what you want in life, which isn’t all that bad either (unless it is to be purposefully vindictive, then that’s horrid. But that’s a different point).

But this last act here. Where you have done something that she has had to either forgive or forget… well I don’t think that she has and neither have you.

She wants to make it clear to you how in love her and her boy are, and how well they are doing despite his big huge horrible mistake with you. And that is how she will go on about that. She is marking her territory because she is afraid of the predator, which in this case is you.

You can’t stand this because in the back of your head you think that you could steal this guy. Admit it. You think that the best reality check in the world for your girlfriend here would be to see this guy for what he really is, and to put her in place. This is what is pissing you off. That is quite apparent from what you have written. And if you think at all that this guy is an idiot and a jerk, and you do feel like your friend is better off without him, it might be more tempting to do something about it.

So no wonder you feel trapped. Of course it is a trap you have made for yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you have to live in it.

Distance yourself a little bit from her. Do something to which you know she wouldn’t have the time for (like a Friday night aerobics class for example. She won’t want to give up her date night). Then about two weeks of that, grab another class after school (say you want to stick to the program and the instructor had a spot open on Tuesdays for an example) Just gradually keep getting involved with things that do not require her to be present. And she will fill her time with this boy I am sure. And either they will break up and you two will be fine, or they will stay together and it won’t matter because you have other things to do and have preoccupied your time.

If a fight roles out from it, it will look juvenile on her part to have bitched you out because all you are doing is living your life – you never put a wedge between the two of you.

Basically what has happened is the consequence of actions. And now you need to do what you can to live your life, and learn from this. Keeping secrets and betraying friends is far more costly to you and your life the being honest and staying true. So learn that lesson, but move on. You still deserve the best life you can give yourself.

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

Never Lose Sight of What is Right...

Dear Aunt B,

I am afraid. Afraid of life. I'm a teenager studying in an all boys school and my life is a complete mess. I no longer enjoy the things I used to do because others say it's only what losers do. I'm afraid of going out with my own family now for fear of being spotted by classmates who are out with friends and being called a loser. The things I used to enjoy like reading, playing video games and playing sports for just fun are now a complete waste of time for me. To add to that, my "friends" keep on teasing and insulting me because I don't go out with them and they don't believe my excuses. Why would I, anyway? All they'll do is drink and smoke while I strive to be free of bad habits. For them, these are what "cool" guys do. Once I did go out with a close friend but all he did was embarrass me. I'm afraid of every school day and the night before for fear that something bad's gonna happen. I also believe I'm losing my friends and losing my self- esteem. Sometimes, I barely sleep at night for lack of peace at heart. I'm nervous every time I go out by myself and I'm losing self confidence. I don't have the courage to talk anymore because they'll just laugh and mock the things I say. I'm suspecting that I'm always gossiped about and backstabbed at school. I think I'm also despised at class because I'm not good in sports, which I think is a very shallow reason. To wrap it all up, I'm not enjoying life. I realize just how young I am and to not enjoy life now would affect my future badly. So please, I pray, help me make my life happy again. I wouldn't want to jump into any quick and dangerous solutions. Thanks for your help, I will greatly appreciate it.

Respectfully Yours,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You are not designed, to have a **spirit of fear. Remember this.

My answer may seem a bit long winded but I hope you'll read it, as well as Soulseer and Xmichra's answers for you.

I like your standards and I think they're quite commendable. Stand your ground. Never compromise good values and beliefs. If you have to be this way, the rest of your natural born life, never bow to peer pressure. Those that are supposed friends, who act and behave in a manner unbecoming, unworthy of your friendship are exactly that; Unworthy of your friendship!

Stand your ground, even if you have to stand alone. But hold your head up high, unpretentiously. Never have an air of superiority. Let me point out to you, that quite often, those that attack you, most certainly feel beneath you, in one way or another. You must not allow this to take you down. No, in fact, you must allow it to empower you, spur you on to becoming a better person. It all comes down to self esteem. Yes, self esteem, yours, there's, ours, almost always, factor in as to how you are perceived, how you are treated and so forth.

I can see that you are highly intelligent. You've managed to learn, gained some wisdom, early on as to what works and what doesn't, what's smart and what's not so smart.

In all due reality, I more than realize, just how difficult it is, to be your own person. I mean, we all want to be accepted, that's just a fact. Equally, when we are not, it can and does weigh heavily. More dumb and regrettable crap is done, in the name of peer pressure, than we'd all, ever, care to admit. I did it, you've done it but we must choose, to live our lives, by learning from our mistakes. When we choose to learn from those mistakes, they are no longer mistakes but learning experiences. In my journey, I have many and will have many more. As well, you will too. Live and learn, that's all.

Alone

In the real world, as we walk through our every day life, you will eventually realize that you are alone. You must often stand against the world, in a dilemma, crisis or pain and bear the brunt of it all, virtually alone. Yes, you'll most likely have a mate, family and friends, to share in some of this but for the most part, you'll find, it's just you and you alone. This may sound dismal? But my point is that it is you who must look in the mirror and you must learn to be honest with yourself. It is also you, who must know how to, not fold under pressure.

Answer to no one but yourself and your Higher Power, which I personally choose to call God. Do nothing which goes against your grain. See, I am a firm believer in, what I call the, "Small, Still Voice." It is your conscience, as some may call it, I believe it is our Spirit, which has been installed to guide us through life. If you begin to pay attention, to this Voice, it will always keep your from harms way. So, when it tells you not to do something, as obviously, it has, you will be spared possibly a painful incident, etc. Once you've learned to trust in this Voice and do your very best to live your life in a manner, where you treat others, as you'd want to be treated, life becomes less complicated. Sure, we'll always go through and be tested, trials and tribulations are ever present but it will make life smoother.


Not everybody plays by the rules. Quite often, in this world, it's prey or be preyed upon. But I still feel, if a man/woman answers to themselves, they must be able to look in the mirror and have a truthful heart. As well, you must come to grips with the fact that not everybody will see things as you do. Nor will they always embrace your values and beliefs. It takes all kinds to make the world go round. You'll see people who stay busy at getting over. There are people on the low down, out to scam and take what is not theirs. They want what you have but don't want to work to get it. You'll see people who work extremely hard at getting out of work, their lack of a work ethic surely sucks but should I allow it to affect me? No, I won't and they will never have my respect. Really, this is what it all boils down to; Respect.

People don't have to like you but you must always command their respect. You will do this by not allowing them to break you, never bow to it. So what if they don't like you? You can and will live without their approval, unworthy affection or friendship. But I guarantee you, no matter what they say, they will always, secretly respect you because you are not weak, you have principles and you are willing to uphold them.

Most kids that smoke and drink are simply trying to fit in and act adult. I smoke and can still remember my motivation, at 12 years old. Yes, I wanted to be a big girl, a woman. Here I am, 48 years old, a woman with a habit. So, who's the idiot here? I also drank and smoked pot around that same time. There's nothing cool about getting wasted, acting promiscuously, acting a fool and ultimately throwing up. What's cool about that? Not a damn thing and if we could record all the porcelain confessions, the swearing to never drink again, "God if you only get me through this," it might be amusing but we'd see just how ridiculous it really is.

The sad part, to all this, is that many of your so called friends will go on to have some nasty habits. Many will become Alcoholics. Many will, live in their Parents basement, smoking pot and not really functioning. Some will move on to bigger and better habits. Hopefully, they won't go to Prison for those habits. Yes, I was in Prison and was incarcerated with many woman, who paid for their habits. From Vehicular Homicide as a result of DUI to selling their daughters for their crack habit, I've seen first hand what those supposed innocent habits can bring about.

I want you to really look in the mirror and begin to like/love yourself. I want you to see the young man you have become, an upstanding guy with credibility and morals and never back down from them. Never lose sight of what is right. You stay just the way you are and really take a long hard look at these so called friends. They are not friends, if they are talking behind your back. People that do such things are simply trying to take the emphasis, the eye off themselves. Yes, it is they, who have the problem, the self esteem issues. It is them that have no backbone and are weak. It is them, that will go on to unsavory situations and habits. It will not be you and you just might have an easy life because of it.

I suppose the gigantic point, I'm trying to make here is this;
If you are living right, doing your best, keeping yourself in check by being extremely honest with yourself, you must answer to no one. Always look at constructive criticism but steer clear of the negative people and remember that their opinions mean nothing. Friends come and go, you must gravitate towards those friends, those people who are positive, like yourself. I believe you are basically, a very positive person who has allowed those that are negative, those that are jealous, of your positive outlook. You've allowed them to pull you down. Get up, brush yourself off and walk away from the likes of these people. You might not have a friend in the world, for a minute but that won't last. Besides, you're going to have a wonderful life, watch and see.
Stand your ground. Be empowered by it. Allow it to impact your life and rise above. I believe in you. Now, you must begin, to believe in you.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Each and every time, that someone laughs, at you, at something you say, hold your head up high, don't be condescending but simply smile, as if you are laughing inside. Here are a few choice statements which will always put them in their place;

"I guess you don't have the intellect to grasp that, huh?"

"And that was real mature, right?"

"I don't need to get high or smoke to pretend to be a man or to have a good time."

**2 Tim 1: 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Dear Anonymous,

You have to stay true to yourself spiritually and mentally, just as Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true."

The biggest thing is, if you don't have a sense of self, you don't have anything. A centering of self, is most important.

Kids are cruel, count on it because they're so confused, as to who they are and they have an insecurity within themselves, a low self esteem which they like to project onto others.

The fact of the matter is that one day all this bulls*** will seem like nothing. In a few years, it won't mean a thing and you'll see this. You'll look back and see just how trivial it all is and was.

You should reach out. If you can go to an elder for guidance, do it. Find some counseling, ask for counseling. You do not have to go through this alone. What you are going through, I went through, as well. I was depressed all the time.

It's not being weak or stupid to go to an elder or to seek counseling. Actually, it's a smart thing to do. Anyone that that uses the tools provided him, in life, is smarter, wiser and will be more well equipped to deal and handle life's calamity's and so on.

Any time you get to a point where you can't find the fun, in things that should make you happy, there is something wrong. Act on this advice and go to a guidance counselor. All schools have some sort of Guidance Staff. You simply go to them and ask them to point you in the right direction. Find counseling through them. Then, you purge, you get it all out. Therapists do not have answers but what they do is help you work through all those feelings. They'll help you to look at the origin, what is rational, what is not and give you ways to deal. You'll learn "coping skills."

You have nothing to lose. It can only be a win/win situation. Get it? Feel free to write me. I had a very traumatic time in High School. I hated it, every single day, every minute, so I can completely understand. I was taunted and teased. I felt hated and talked about. Because I am gay, people were so mean. I was beat up, beat down, spit on and I became so depressed, so hurt by it, that it affected me for years. It made me suicidal, it was bad, real bad. I wish I'd had someone to guide me through and I wish I'd had the tools, I acquired later on, to deal with it, understand it and work through it. I got all that through counseling. I hope you will seek counseling. It's the smart thing to do.

I wish you only the best and a realization that you are not alone, concerning what you are going through. If nothing else, we are here, I am here and you can always write us. Believe it or not, we do care. Want to know why? Because we've all suffered, calamity, trials and tribulation, down right having the shit stomped out of us and we've learned from it. We were given the gift of a realization and maybe even a bit of wisdom, we've learned from it all. Now, it's a sense of "giving back."

I hope you'll read all of this and if nothing else, take notice of the answer, just to and for you. We understand and we care. If we didn't care, why would we bother with this at all? We're here for you. As well, you may always write us, in fact, I personally would enjoy hearing from you in hopes that you will run with this. Keep us updated please. Wishing you much joy, happiness and a realization that you can rise above this.

Blessings & Bliss,

Soulseer

Dear Respectfully Anonymous,

A letter like yours is heart breaking to say the least. And I wish to all the gods that I could bring you the happiness that you seek. But the reality is that I cannot. However, I believe very strongly that we as individuals can turn our lives around and make good what now seems so bleak.

It is a difficult stage that you are going through, and it makes things harder to have this time referred to as “a stage”. But bear with me for a few paragraphs okay?

The “friends” that you have right now are a**holes. You don’t need them. And you know this… which is why I am thinking that you are trying to keep your enemies close, so to speak. Which quite frankly is ingenious. However it is unsatisfying because you no longer get to do the things that you want to do (like read and visit your family and so on). Being in an all boys school has got to be rough too… since there seems to be no distractions (like girls) to have. So I can see you are in a tight spot here.

So now you are pretty much looking at doing one of two things;

1- Keeping up with this charade, of image. Doing the things you do not like to, to keep up appearance. Generally being dissatisfied in your life and running the risk of severe depression and (hopefully not, but this can go here real fast) risk of suicide.

2- Saying “F*** it” to all this nonsense and living life the way you want and not worrying about those who would oppose you.

The first is easy to “do”, Hard to live with. The second is hard to “do”, easy to live with. But it is all up to you how you want your life to be. Do you want to be continuously afraid to be yourself? Do you want to repress your soul, your life, your being because of other non-important people?

And this is where it gets really hard. Being yourself IS hard when you are a teenager. It is made hard by people who act like sheep, flocking and mimicking so that they do not have to deal with their own insecurities. And I know of plenty of people who mimicked their way through high school and made it out to be who they wanted to be. But it was disappointing and they didn’t get out of life the experience of knowing who they were. It took much longer to have that realization and it was difficult.

Of course, those of us who have “lived the tale” and were themselves have some bad things too. I was bullied by a girl for a straight two years because of who I was. No other reason. But you know, I don’t have regrets about my teenhood. Not about who I was at any rate. And I think that is the difference. I can rest easy now, knowing that I was myself (to a point.. because lets face it, we all get really into our skins when we are older) and that I didn’t let myself down. And the people who were assholes then?? Some turned out not to be so bad once they were able to grow up too. And some, are just as much an asshole now as they were then. But those people are not in my life, and no where near it.

The biggest test is going to be weather you can handle who you are and being who you are. Usually the most aware of themselves get a lot of the “brunt” because others are jealous. I know that sounds really lame. But its’ true. You will know who you are, you will know what you enjoy, and you will only do the things to which make you happy. You will not follow a sheep, you will not be a sheep. And THAT will make those insecure sheep like boys livid. Why? Because they will wish that they could do as you have done. They might not envy what you do.. but they will envy your actions and you ability to pursue them. Think about that for a minute. Because as sure as I am that they would deny this in a heartbeat, I am sure that this is the case.

So. You have two choices. And neither are 100% easy. Your happiness is in your hands.

Take care, and I hope you do find that happiness you so deserve.

~Xmichra.

Possible Penance

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am in a situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married for 28 years, most of which has been enjoyable. Over the last few years, my wife decided that our sex life was over. I am 53, she is 48, We had some serious discussions about this...she would promise to do better, but better never happened. In February of this year, I started an affair with a married woman, somewhat younger than I, who was essentially having the same problems at home as I, but she was also dealing with an abusive spouse. When we started out, it was to be a friendship to provide sex and intimacy to one another. As you might guess, the relationship grew to be much more than that...we fell in love. We agreed recently that we would both leave our existing relationships, and start anew with each other. This past Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and left. She was "floored", as she never suspected anything. Since I have left, I have been experiencing almost constant guilt, and the related feelings that go with it. On one hand, her lack of giving me the intimacy that I needed and deserved caused me to go elsewhere to find that, which is very important to me. On the other hand, we did experience many wonderful times and memories over the years. It kills me when my mind starts remembering things that were good. I've had some thoughts about going back to her, and trying to work things out. I just don't know if she would ever be able to get over the hurt, nor ever trust me fully again. Then there's the thing about sex and intimacy that may never change. Also, I do love the woman I am with. I promised her that I would follow through wwith this, which factored into her own decision to leave her husband as well. In addition, she is not in a position to sustain herself financially without my help. Is is normal to have the feelings that I am having? Also, I would most appreciate any advice that you may have for me in this matter.

Dear Friend,

Instead of giving advice, I think in this one I will actually refer to feeling and healing. I know that seems odd, but you don’t need advice. You have made your way and are living with the consequences. What you need now is the resource to ‘deal with it’.

Sex is a complicated part of a relationship. Some people can have sex multiple times a day. Some can live without it. But the real issue is intimacy, not sex. Any person can masturbate, watch porn, and get a joy toy, what ever it is that you need to release all those hormones. But the physical intimacy of your lover, your partner, that is what is so important. And unfortunately, many lose their sexual drive when they get older, are on medication, and multiple other reasons. You have obviously been on the side where this is just not good for you, and was not having the issue resolved. You have talked about it with your ex-wife and you did express your desire. She in turn could not do what it was that you were asking. There is no fault here… just an unfortunate and natural part of life.

Seeking out intimacy is something that 99% of today’s society will get down on a married person for. Of course I am guessing on the statistics, but honestly I think that to be pretty darn close. But thankfully, that doesn’t matter. Why? Because no one can really judge another until they walk in your shoes. And a relationship without sex, without that bond, without trying to rekindle, well, that can make the most loyal partner go astray. Doesn’t matter if it is right or wrong, it is human biology.

But what to do with the old noggin’ once the deed is done.

Seems to me that you are not quite happy with the relationship that you are currently in. I know that you stated that you love this woman, but I also think you are comparing her to your ex-wife who was absolutely great minus the no sex thing. So now you are questioning how much the sex really meant to you. Also you are likely wondering if you should have gone down this road at all. Which is expected when you still have intense feelings for another person.

I always tell people, a few things, when it comes to making a decision and one of them is to actually not think of the other person but to think of your self. Are you happy with the person you are with? If not, why is it that you are unhappy? If you think it is because you had shared and loved your life with your ex-wife, then think of her next. How much penance are you willing to do for her to trust you again? And do you think that she would even grant you that option? Given that she is likely not going to bend on the sex issue, can you be faithful to her? Are you ready to give up your sexual expression to be with her and really BE with her? Then the hard part, if you are thinking that you are not happy with the woman you are currently with, or any of the above questions, you do need to step up and call it off. No matter what the outcome is with you and your ex-wife. You need to be fair with this woman, and you need to be kind. She left an abusive relationship, which is great, but that will pack a lot of esteem issues and the last thing she needs is to go crawling back. So if you need to break it off with her (and you do if you are not 100%) then do the out of the ordinary and make sure that she has solid provisions and support. She will need it.

Maybe you are fine with the decision you have made regarding your ex-wife, and the two of you have ended amicably (or as well as you could) and you are having a hard time healing on your own. I don’t know all the details, so I am going out on a limb. Healing a wound that is not your own is difficult, and sometimes only time can take away the sting. But if you know, or think you know what it is that you ‘feel’ you need to do, then just do it. Make that phone call, make that visit, have a talk, write a letter. Do what ever it takes to say “I’m sorry”, no matter if it is to your ex, your current partner, children if there were any. Who ever it is, even if there are multiples. Healing is a difficult thing to try and take on, but it doesn’t happen over night and without effort

Part of the guilt that you are suffering is that you did indeed cheat on your wife. The fact that she was ‘floored’ means that no matter how often (or not) you two were having sex she never thought that you would stray. Comfort with your partner will make a person think this. And you know this, and feel guilty. So ask yourself this, you know first hand what it feels like to not have the whole of your partner. You know what it feels like to hurt someone (even if you really didn’t mean too). You know that the affair was (although probably uncharacteristic for you) ‘wrong’. So, why would you doom yourself to repeat any of it by not playing fair with your current lover?

.

Guilt comes to us when we have felt our morality has been compromised, and when we have hurt those we love. It doesn’t come to us for finding a hundred dollar bill on the street, even if it was someone’s last resort. We don’t know that, and we are blinded by the lack of connection. Guilt is your heart and soul way of telling you something is wrong, and you need to do something to make it right.

I’m not saying that you should leave your partner and see what happens with your ex. Hell, maybe all that your heart needs is to apologize, really apologize and have your ex forgive you. Maybe your soul needs to feel like you haven’t ruined someone else’s life (and I don’t think any one person is to blame here, just for the record). Maybe you need to be completely honest with the woman you are with in order to make this a good move for you. Honestly, I do not know the answer.

Even though I said I wasn’t going to do it… My advice is this; listen to all those things that your heart is telling you is right. Otherwise, you will just be living in guilt. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.