No More Nagging!!!

Dear Aunt B,

My ex cheated on me & fell out of love with me & didnt tell me till 4 months after. Its effected my relationship now. We've been on & off for nearly 2 years & its all because im so insecure when hes not around me. Hes moved from one place to another because he just cant seem to settle, but now hes settled in scotland (12 hours away from me) hes getting into the police force up there & my daughter & i are wanting to go with him when the training starts as we know then we'll be stable but i just cant seem to stop myself being insecure. Its causing arguments & its ruining our relationship. I do love him & i know he loves me but i cant get rid of the insecurities. I know he talks to girls & i know they're all just friends but its purely cause he gets on better with girls. I sometimes feel like im just a burden on him but the problems go away when im around him & i want to be able to be calm & happy without worrying if he'll cheat when hes not around me! What can i do to help myself get rid of this thing thats killing my mind?

Emma x


Dear Emma x,

My first thought is to tell you to "Let Go and Let God."Just a reminder, okay?

An insecure woman can choke the very life out of a man that, for all intent and purpose is not cheating. And we've got to get you over all this baggage, which of course you are carrying from your prior relationship.

Now look, I've been in your high heels before. I've been burned, fooled around on and know exactly how it feels. It actually made me insane, well, more insane than usual, lol! Those of us who love with such great abandon, fervor and passion, I do believe hurt more deeply when a partner strays.

It is most assuredly the ultimate betrayal, at least in my opinion, when you've invested your heart only to have it stomped on. It makes it extremely hard to focus on anything but the indiscretion not to mention all the mixed emotions and questions you ask of yourself, in example;

• What did I do to deserve this?
• What did I do wrong?
• What could I have done to stop it?
• Is it because I don't turn him on?
• Am I ugly/fat/gross/undeserving/undesirable/not sexy?

Oddly enough, in most situations, all of those questions are absurdly not warranted and basically have nothing to do with the actual crux of the matter. They sure as hell have nothing to do with you and are a personal issue that the man is dealing with. But it's usually a given, if we're willing to admit it, that we have asked ourselves those very questions.


It's been documented that (don't quote me on this) the average man thinks about sex in one form or another every 90 seconds. They're hardwired differently than we are, obviously. (I asked my three sons if they felt this was a valid statement and they agreed that it was) So, the moral of the story is that the faithful man is one that does not act on his urges and is not impulsive.

The Crux

When we get right down to it though, the men that do fool around on a woman they say they love and adore, it's most often because they have self-esteem issues themselves. And what happens is that trollop/whore/slut/good for nothin'/low down dirty dog filled a void, your ex man had. Yes, believe it or not it really has nothing to do with you (and I'm betting on this as I happen to know that are very attractive)

In any relationship, up to and including yours, TRUST is the main gazane . It's a must and if you don't have it, well G-Friend, it creates havoc and chaos in an otherwise good and possibly healthy relationship. I imagine that you already know this...so what to do?

Your trust factor is burned out and you must explain this. At the same time, you'll also have to become aware of your torturous tactics, those which you are punishing your man with, currently. It's not fair to portray your insecurities upon him unless he has done something to make you feel this way. I think you are well aware of this and want to fix it, evidently or you'd have not written me in the first place, eh?

Perspective

Life is, truly, all about perspective. It's all about how we view ourselves as well as others. It's all about our Nouns; persons, places and things, is it not? Yes, you'll have to begin to put things in order, put them back into a healthy perspective. And it begins with trust.

As I said at the start, sometimes you have to let go and let God. It never ever hurts to pray for/about things we have no control over. No, you can't be with your man 24/7 and you can't watch his every move. And if the truth were known, you'll make yourself crazy if you do not stop this way of thinking.

You'll have to begin to show trust and this will only come from a mind state, a realization that even the *Bible tells of the woe and sorrow brought on by a nagging wife. Hush before speaking, think before saying, shut up before accusing.

Furthermore, begin your day, begin this new you, a new regimen;

Sit up, on the edge of your bed and say the word, "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

From: The Silent Scream
You were hurt deeply by your ex, NOT your current partner! Cut him a break. Begin anew and start out fresh. No More Nagging!!!

Let me state something before I end this letter; **"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." What I'm implying or referring to is your statement that he gets along better with females. No Ma'am, I don't like it and it's a recipe for disaster. It's is and always will be a really really bad idea. And you can tell him I said so!

It's all fine and dandy to be cordial with the lady friends but anything more than that when he's in a relationship is playing with fire.

If he doesn't agree, then I want to know one thing; **Is it okay for you to have male friends??? I'm betting my ass that he'll say that he doesn't mind but the very minute one of your so called friends were to text you or call on the telly, he's going to go ballistic.

Start over fresh when you go to be with your Policeman. Have a new mind set which is something you'll have to work on. Have your wonderful man read this. I don't know you and you don't know me. This means no harm, no foul as it's not like airing your dirty laundry in public for all to see. What it does mean is that you care enough to seek counsel, you care enough to work on your own emotional baggage. Oh and leave that bag at the Train Station on your way Scotland!!!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Proverbs 21:9
<<> | Proverbs 21 | Proverbs 22 >>

9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

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Stagnate

Dear Aunt B,

this is really weird for me because i am a very reserved person and maybe that's why i'm asking for help from you rather than anyone close to me who i know.
I dont know what is happening in my life. all of a sudden its like i dont have any real friends. i have no1 to hang ou with in school exept my best friend, i dont know or interract with any1 but my boyfriend in a day.. ive always been popular but now im being known as a slut cuz my ex boyfriend, to take out his frustration (i broke up) is telling evry1 that i slept with him, which is true but not meant to be spread. my current bf.. hez jus amazing. he loves me has always. we were best friends before we started dating. i love him so much but most of my friends hate him. jus cuz hez a little emo and duzn like too much company all the time exept me. i love ppl wid me. i love having alot of ppl to hang out with, i love ppl wanting to talk to me, i love it when ppl LIKE me! thats jus me!! but im losing evry1.. the only person i hav now is my bf and a best friend whose like my sister.


please help me!


i dont wana b alone cuz im scared of going back to the dark hole i came out from... i dont wanna become that way.. and i dont want ppl to think of me as a slut who duzn care about any1z emotions..

Dear Reader,

I suppose the first thing that comes to mind, for me at least, was to tell you to stop worrying about being called a slut. I mean, for real, you are not a slut so why sweat it?

What I'm saying, in that regard is that people will always go for, look for your soft pink under belly, you know that place to hit where it hurts the most. And obviously it worked.

People will always do this and I'd be a liar if I said when that sort of thing happened to me, it didn't hurt. It hurt hardcore. But as I grew older I also realized that quite often, I was handing people the ammunition to hurt me or rather I was showing them that under belly I spoke of. They then used it against me.

With maturity comes understanding. With maturity comes the knowledge that they/people can only hurt me IF and when I allow it. You must become thicker skinned, Like An Onion with it's many layers, layers that protect it's inner core.

How To???

When you hear something, someone might say about you, in an effort to improve ones self, we do a self examination, we look at what the person has said. We then ask ourselves if there's any truth or validity to the statement and in this case, you were called a Slut. And when it comes down to it, sleeping with your boyfriend is what we do, now isn't it?

Now, I do not condone or encourage you to sleep with a guy especially until you really really get to know him and hopefully you have safe sex...

Read This;

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

Since the dawn of time, guys have been doing their damnedest to get us in bed, I mean it's just what they do. And the next thing ya know, they go right out and tell the world. If you don't hook up with him or if you break up, it's the very first thing he's going to do; Tell the world. It goes right along with bragging rights a guy thinks he's obtained once he's "tagged your ass."

Having said this, for your own well being, first realize that every guy wants in your pants, it's his main objective, "the thrill of the kill," so to speak. But if you just give right in thinking that it'll catch the guy, you are very wrong.

If he's the real deal, he'll work at it, he'll respect that you will not just lay down with any guy and when you do finally give in, it just might be special, a gift so to speak.

The next subject I'd like to approach is what may very well be a mismatch with your Emo fellow. Maybe it's not a mismatch, it's possible that I used the wrong term. At the same time, you must ask yourself one pertinent question; Why should I become a recluse for someone, change my outgoing nature or even give up friendships, companionship, etc. for someone that loves me?

I guess the question might be, is he requesting that you not go out with girlfriends or associate with anyone but himself? If this is true and this is why you've stopped maintaining those friendships, well G-Friend, the Red Flags should go way way up.

Now, if that's not the case, I suggest that you realize that you must be a whole person, in and of yourself and get back out there, living your life to the fullest! If he chooses to stay stuck in his antisocial life, let him be.

Finally, no relationship, no love on this earth should immobilize a person. And the way I see it, you are becoming stagnate. Take a long hard look at all this. I hope you'll write me again and tell me how you got back out there in the thick of things, your happy and healthy and hopefully still in love.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Reader,

This is the plight of the teen-aged school girl, and I do understand. All of us women who have grown understand what is happening with you right now. And we don’t want you spiraling into a dark place either.

So, with that said, please keep in mind that I have been where you are, and say the following not as being complacent or brushing you off, but I say this to you because you need to listen carefully.

Being popular, sometimes, is still being alone.

You have an awesome best friend, and a boyfriend who cares deeply for you. The rest, is unimportant. People are going to come in and out of your life, and constantly trying to be liked by everyone isn’t going to get you anywhere but feeling sorry for yourself. Being popular is something most teens strive for, but it is unrealistic and so freaking redundant. It is nice to be liked and have attention... but if you are the center of attention, expect some bad attention too. Karma isn’t a one way door.

Concentrate on the relationships you DO HAVE, and the rest, let it roll off. Your ex-boyfriend was a douche, he spread your sex life around and that is hard to deal with when something so private is displayed openly. But the best thing you can do about that is to just shrug it off. I know that sounds crazy... but if you make a drama out of it, you are going to get drama in return.

This will pass, life does get better, and the things you thought were important today will change next year. Just think of how much you have changed and grown since last year, and you will see I speak the truth.

This is my advice – let it go. Let it stop controlling your happiness. You have two really great friends that you can trust and rely on, and I am sure you have more acquaintances than you realise. You should be thankful for your friendships and put your effort into them, not into fighting with your asshole ex, and trying to regain your reputation. Your rep will come back when you let the drama pass. So let it pass.

I hope you can stand strong and brush off the antics of others, and enjoy the present. It truly is a gift.

~Xmichra.

Further Reading;

Be An Onion

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More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar

Dear Aunt B,

We have recently rented a very nice house for a decent price, and we love it. There is very little we would change if we bought this house, we are close to work, family, stores, and we only really have one neighbor to our property because of road frontage, railroad tracks, and a gully behind. The house is almost perfect, and the rent and utilities so far are not that high. The only problem is our neighbor. There is a row of bushes between our properties, and in cleaning the yard we had lined up branches and logs from the winters storm on our side of the bushes. She came knocking on our door, yelling at my daughter that the limbs are on her property and she wanted us to move them, my husband went to the door, and politely asked her what was wrong, and she was making snide remarks about us facing trespassing charges if we didn’t move them. He said “I’ll call Jerry (the landlord), thank you, ma’am” and he shut and locked the door. We told the landlord what she said and the landlord looked at where we put the limbs and said that he saw no problem, and that the bushes were on the line. Then about a week later she got mad again and was fussing about the trash can my daughter sat it a few inches over into her yard and she made us move it. Now, my husband has caught her raking limbs onto the back of our property, when he said something to her she said it would be best if he just went back inside.
We have always been friendly with neighbors and are used to people who you can share garden veggies with and talk to every day on the way to the mailbox. How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman? She is elderly, lives alone and rarely comes out, and hires people to do lawn work and such, I think.

Dear Reader;

I have lived next to people like this (and they were not elderly, just ornery!) and unfortunately the answer is this: leave it be.
Make sure you know where your property begins and ends, and respect those limits. Some people are, for whatever reason, very compulsive about every centimetre of their property, especially when they have to defend it in the past. You rent this property correct? My guess is that this lady has had several neighbours and has learned over time to “draw the line” nice and early so there is no room for miscommunication. Really has nothing to do with you personally..

You never know, maybe if you respect her wish (in respecting her property) and you live there a little while, she might come out of her shell and become a little more neighbourly.

Hope you enjoy your house, regardless of the neighbour.

~ Xmichra

Hi M******,

Isn't it always true that just when everything seems perfect, a pricker gets in our way! Well, I know how hard it can be to have neighbors who are difficult. Two things come to mind, first, how lucky you are that this is just one person to deal with. The second thing is, that this old woman may feel threatened by a young family moving in. She may know, that some young people treat the elderly with disrespect.
My advice to you is to give her a chance. Be nice to her, despite her aggressive behavior to you, for it might be out of fear. Show her that you don't mean her any harm, and in fact truly want to be neighborly. She may come around, and then you can build some sort of trust, as a neighbor. And, if things really do not get any better, a bad neighbor can be less of a reason that some people do end up moving!
I hope this helps!

Thanks for contacting SidellSez and the best of luck to you!

Sidell



Dear Melissa,

I would imagine that the commandment to "love thy neighbor as you love yourself" is surely a challenge in your mind at this point in time. I think anybody would find fault in your neighbors bad behavior. Yes, it's enough to "piss off a Preacher" isn't it?

You stated, in your letter, "How do we deal with this lonely, angry woman?" so it appears to me that you are able to see things from different perspectives, i.e., that she is lonely and angry. It also sounds like you and your husband are reasonable people faced with an unreasonable neighbor.

I suppose there are a couple of different ways to deal with this woman, one of which is steering clear of her in hopes that she'll just settle down as you settle in. She is evidently territorial, not to mention vindictive and at this juncture she may just simply be letting you know loud and clear that she'll not take any abuse of her rights and/or property lines, real or imaginary.

You can pick which one suits you or rather which one you can bear to approach. The first idea might be a "Do Over" line of attack. Possibly you could take over a homemade item such as cookies or something similar and establish that the two of you got off on the wrong foot. You could also acknowledge that you respect her as well as her property and will try to be mindful of such.

Now I realize you're probably a bit miffed by her behavior and as such may be a tad bit apprehensive about"sucking up" to such a hateful persona. But you do get, "More Bees With Honey Than Vinegar."

If this line of attack is palatable, in thought but not in reason, you might write a note to the effect of how you would like to "turn over a new leaf" per say, making sure that you mention the fact that you've never ever had problems with neighbors before and you certainly do not wish for it now. Then ending it with the question, "...and how can we resolve this to your satisfaction?," may bring forth some semblance of satisfaction.

By writing this note, making it clear that you realize that she's obviously been burned by someone who's lived there before you, it will then possibly validate her fears but also make her aware that you, her new neighbor are not like your predecessors and will most certainly treat her just as you'd want to be treated.

Now the ball is in her court and she just might have to look at her, more than obvious asinine behavior.The methodology behind this may be to let her know that you do realize that it's quite possible that, for better terms, she may very well be carrying some emotional baggage, real issues she's dealt with in the past by neighbors that did not treat her with due respect.

If this does not work, I'll welcome you to write us again and we'll be more than happy to hash this out with you.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Matthew 22:36-40

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”