Love & Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi there,

I don't know where to begin, anyway I am divorced. I left my ex-husband for another man, not because I was in love with this man, but coz he could provide for my kids. I have 4 kids, My ex-husband was a good father in his own way, he never beat us, but we had a lot of money problems. I am 40 years old, divorced now for 4 years, and I always dream of getting my husband back, I do still love him. We went our separate ways without really talking about things, now its like a lot of unsaid things still hanging in the air, but when I try to talk to him, he never answers me and walks away. How do I fix things or get over it???
--
La Rochelle Recruitment

Regards

Linda
Mary
Stephanie

Our website:
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Dear Friend,

It's all about choices, is it not? I mean, love and happiness or a monetary life. While I can understand your need for a good provider, I chose the opposite; Love and Happiness. I didn't find it, in that relationship. In fact, I'd been asked my hand in marriage by several men, in my lifetime, that owned 2 homes, cars, businesses and so on. One fella owned a huge construction business and several tobacco plantations. I couldn't see myself, not loving that man and being with him. I chose the love or what I thought was love. My first husband was a good man but had problems, I didn't understand, with depression and addiction. I left him and went from the frying pan, into the fire, all in the name of so called love. I've always regretted that and now it's beyond too late. My husband died in 1989, while we were separated.

My advice would be to let love rule your heart. From your letter, I gather that you have your own job. I don't know about your ex-husband but you must ask yourself, what will make you the happiest; Love or Money?

I always regretted leaving my husband. He was my very best friend but it went too far, got out of hand and then...it was too late. Life is all about choices. We have them, in every instance but we often can't see it or we choose not to. I hope you will opt for happiness. You only get one go around and while it's wonderful to cry, if you must, sitting in your Lexus with an Anne Klein suit, Gucchi bag and Jimmy Choo shoes, nothing beats loving arms.

I don't get the impression that you are rich, just more secure. So, is it just the security that holds you in place? While we often think the grass is greener on the other side, what we fail to realize, is that quite often it's only greener because it's over a Septic Tank. The key to life is; Love, Laughter and Family. If you don't have that sense of love and laughter with this new fella, take a look at that. If you've entertained notions of your ex-husband, simply because you have a past with him, I suggest committing to your husband, your current husband and making the choice to put your ex, in the past. It is a choice, either way and in all fairness, you must make one or the other. If you've really thought this through and you realize that you are not happy with your current husband because he does not have the same qualities, that your ex did, you need to look at that as well.

My suggestion is; to write your ex-husband, after you've made some semblance of a decision, just where your happiness lyes. Making amends, if nothing else, will plant a seed. He may have deep seated pain, concerning the decision, you made, to leave him. If nothing else, it may give you the first step, to becoming amicable. I think it is paramount anyway, for your children, for you both to be mature and work on your relationship, first and foremost. Once you've done this, it may pave the way, for the next step, in making a permanent decision, concerning who you should be with.

So, write your ex and express the fact that you want, only a good relationship with him. Tell him that you do not want to continue, with things, the way they are. Express the fact that your are truly sorry, that things are the way they are and he was the last person, you wanted to hurt. He may see you as selfish, for what you have done. You took his wife, children, his very family from under him. You must have this in mind, as you write him. Nothing but good will come from your attempt at making amends. I can not promise, it will heal your ex but you owe it to yourself, to make that attempt.

While I realize, you feel you did what you had to do, for the sake of your children, please look at it all and deduce, if was the right decision.

Xmichra said...

I feel compelled to add that if you are not happy and do not love your current partner, that you owe it to him to be upfront about this. Maybe not is such dramatic terms.. but how would you feel if you knew that your spouse was only with you for your money? Doesn't feel so great, not to be loved and to feel used.

Regardless of what you decide to do with the ex, you need to first be happy with you and your life. And sitting where you are, with the letter you wrote to Aunt B.. I think it's safe to say that you are not happy emotionally. And I think it would be in your best interest to sort that out first.

Don't Be Bullied

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hello Aunt B,

I am a 43 year old divorced dad with 2 children who I love dearly. Here is my problem. 3 years ago after finding out about an affair my wife was having, her and I split up and she moved in with her parents and she has lived there ever since. She has a large extended family, sisters, cousins and the house is always full with people. During our divorce we settled on shared physical custody. Unfortunately I do not see my children as much as I would like. Without sounding bitter, my children who are 9 and 5 have chosen to stay over at my ex's parents home quite a bit more often than what we drew up on paper. Basically they have more people to love and spoil them there than I have here. I know they love me but, I guess if I was a child I would stay where the grass seemed greener, but it hurts just the same. My ex receives a good chunk from me plus her own salary, but has yet to move out on her own. Tonight, just as many nights, I went to pick my children up only to learn that their mother was not there and the grandmother was watching them and the kids wanted to stay there. The bitterness over the affair has subsided, but not seeing my children is really getting to me. I don't really know if I am looking for advice or just someone to tell. If you have any wise words for me I would be glad to hear them...thank you...John

Dear Friend,

I would imagine, you have many, many emotions right now. You may feel dejected, ejected and rejected. I wouldn't blame you. Time does heal all wounds. Try not to blame or have resentment for the children. I believe you are trying to work through all this, logically but it still burns.

Your children are behaving quite typically, so do not be alarmed. Try not to take it personally, kids are like this and believe it or not can surely tend to be selfish. But they don't realize the ramifications, of their tendency to push you out.

I do encourage you to exercise your rights. If you were awarded visitation, you can be held in contempt, in many states for not exercising or adhering to the court order. That goes along with the fact that it may not be reinforced on their end, either. I guess the problem comes down to feeling like the bad guy, if you feel the need to force them?

This is a disparaging situation and if I were you, I would speak to your ex and inform her that she needs to make them aware, that you will become diligent when it comes to visitation. You let her know, that you want visitation and to have them ready. It is almost a self-esteem issue, for you to walk away and not refute the kids want to stay where they are. The court says that you Must exercise your right, not when Mom or the kids feel like visitation. The law is in place to protect you as well as your ex spouse and children. It is not a one-way law to be taken lightly or interpreted as the Mother or children deem suitable. So do it and state this is your intention. Once you get the kids out and away from their surroundings, they just might have a good time. Do not deny yourself, they are your children too. I am going to say this;

Quite often, the Father wants nothing to do with the kids. Statistics show, that they move on, more so than women, of course. Don't allow them to run over you. Stand by your rights and make them aware, even if you have to use the law on your side, that by not adhering to the court order, everyone who does not abide, can be held in contempt. Make them think, it's not gonna be you. In turn, you just might have a wonderful and fulfilling time and build upon the relationships with your children.

No matter what happened, with you and your ex, those children are still yours. Don't be bullied and stand your ground. You have the law on your side.