Required Respect

Dear Aunt B,

What does one do when in-laws don't seem to like you? I don't know what I've done. The past few years, they've really seemed cool to me.
Sometimes if I DO dare speak out or do something different than they must think is right with my children, they sort of coolly ignore me.
I was very depressed during our last holiday visit. We have made as many trips as we can to visit the in-laws (we are across country and have a large
family - so it is expensive to fly and LONG to drive). We've been conscientious of maintaining a balance between visits to my family & husband's family.

Calls are much less frequent, interest less frequent. When my spouse was gone for a while working, they never called to say hello or see how things
were going with me & the children. Unless my husband hands the phone to me or I happen to answer they don't often seem interested in speaking with me.

We did have some plan changes with a trip there a while ago - had to cancel (postpone really) due to a medical problem I had & the Doctor indicated I shouldn't travel.
I get the "feeling" they don't particularly like the school or religion we've selected (mine) for our children. I also have felt they never particularly "liked" me....as a
partner for their son. I don't know....I just feel left out and disregarded.

I thought maybe they wanted more control with our children without us around - so we've had the children there to visit without us. But they never seem o.k.. with anything unless its their idea, their timing or whatever. If we change anything - they seem really upset. This family does NOT "talk" about feelings or have
discussions easily. We've had a lot of job stress (my husband's career/job) and they haven't expressed much (if any) support or interest. When we tried to
bring it up over the holidays (we visited there), they ONLY seemed concerned for him. They had no comments on the impact on me. In fact one comment was made
to me (out of my husbands hearing) that was related to why I didn't get a job and help. My husband & I chose together to have me quit after our 3rd child and be
an at home mom. They almost seem like they think I'm lazy and question what it is I do "all day".

When planning a special event over that visit time, they asked opinions and timing questions of my other in-laws but not me. When I dared ask about this event or offer an idea I was ignored. When I brought it up to my husband, he said I was overly sensitive. He does not want to cause any rifts with his family so he doesn't want to do or say anything or find out what is wrong. The only thing I can say is they never seemed to like me - my religion, my age, the fact that we relocated a long ways away due to my career at the start of our marriage. I don't know. When I try to inquire, again - they ignore or dismiss it as nonsense.

Life is too short for these head-games and I just want to get along, but I am increasingly angry and now with another trip upon us/visit ...I don't want to lose my cool. But I feel so undermined as a parent and disrespected. Please...what should I do? I have done all possible to try and show I care - I've sent BOOKS of photos over the years of the kids, given the kids over to them for visits with NO restrictions from me (even though we have certain guidelines on foods, etc..),
tried to always send gifts, cards, etc. for events. I don't know what more to do. Our marriage is now very strained and I just feel upset. Unless it is "their way" it is no way. We have been to counseling (my husband is not a believer at all) and what advice was given was pretty uninspired - basically that this is how it is and anything we say or do won't change it. I'll be blamed no matter what. Is this how in-law relations are? Am I just supposed to be quiet, allow my parenting guidelines and self to be disrespected? They are now very discreet in how they comment to me - since they know I tell my husband. They say/do things in a way he doesn't hear or is kind of passive - aggressive. Clearly, I'm confused!

Distraught Daughter In Law


Dear Distraught Daughter In Law,

Boy do I feel for you and you betcha, I can relate. I hope you will allow your husband to read this. If nothing else, he might grasp or understand the impact this has had on you. I tend to think I'd probably take it all personal too. How can you not? Even the hardest of hard would have difficulty just blowing it off.

Right from the jump though, in your husbands defense, I will say, you've got to leave him out, for the most part. He's caught in the middle, helpless and hindered. He is not a wave maker and does not deal well with adversity. He wants everybody to "just get along, why can't you just get along? Why do you take things so personal, honey? Let it go!" But you can't "just let it go" can you and you do take it personal, don't you?

Now, in your defense, I will say that, while you can't "make" them like you and your husband certainly can't make them like you, they must always respect you. He must require that they respect you and nothing less. In fact, that should be his only statement on the subject, "You will respect my wife. She is my life partner, the mother of my children and your grandchildren, the woman I chose to marry, the woman I love and whom makes me happy and you will show respect." It is so simple, "Required Respect." That's it and that's all.

You know, they can and may go the rest of their natural born lives, disliking you. It is their prerogative. But from this minute forward, they will and must respect you. Short of hurting "their" grand babies, they can keep their opinions to themselves. What I mean by that is they might disagree with your child rearing decisions, etc. etc. but they will have to learn to keep it to themselves. Like it or lump it.

It's not far fetched for them to disagree or expect you to listen to their take on the subject. Hell, I hate the way my daughter in law raises my grand kids. In my mind, she doesn't know how to say "No" to them, she allows them to argue way too much and debate what she's told them to do. She lets them get away with things I wouldn't and she doesn't follow through on discipline, i.e. if they've done something wrong, she hardly punishes them, i.e. she puts them on restriction and that very day, they'll wear her down and get off restriction. If they know they can do this, they know there's always a loophole. If they know there's a loophole, they will do whatever they want because there are no consequences for their actions. I see this every day and it makes me crazy, if I let it but I must remember that they are not my children. I do respect her though and will often look for opportunity to speak with her, as a woman and address these things I disagree with. That's not to say that she will follow through but I do see improvement here and there. But the chief ingredient to this recipe between this daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is that respect factor.

Change the Recipe

Put on your Bitch Belt and begin to command the respect you are due. No longer will you allow them to run the show. You afford them the respect due to them as your husbands parents but they will no longer abuse you, abuse their power as his parents and this recipe will call for a mutual respect. Now, I don't suspect that this will happen over night. This transformation will only come about, starting with you.

Look in the mirror, deeply into your own eyes. Are you due respect? You damn right you are. Will you command respect from his parents as well as anyone else who comes down the pike? You damn right, you will. Yes, it starts within you. It is read from the way you hold your head up high and tell yourself that you will no longer allow them to own you, your thoughts, your feelings or emotions. If you feel you are due respect, you will be given respect. If you show your soft pink under belly, they will see it because that's what they do. Stop it!

Lastly, may I suggest writing a letter that states exactly how you feel? You state that while you realize that they might not always agree with you or your methods, it is putting a strain on your marriage as it stands. You might mention that nothing would make you happier than for you both to get along, if nothing else because of the hardship it puts on their son. (It's important to mention this. If they do not make an effort, from that moment on, they will only be able to see that they will be portrayed as selfish and not having their own sons best interests at hand. It will be transparent that they are not willing to work things out for the sake of their own son. See?)A little fluff will go a long way by mentioning that if you've done something wrong, you'd like to make amends but at this point in time, you don't understand what it is that has you both at odds. And you mention that you want nothing more than a mutual respect.

As I said before, this all starts with you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim any longer. It's all in the respective perspective.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

A Polished Perception

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

First I’d just like to start off by saying that I have been in a very good relationship for about 3 ½ years. I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret anything by thinking I am unhappy or really unsure.. Because all I’m really looking for is a little input, blunt, honest input. My boyfriend & I were long distance for most of those 3 years.. However it was a healthy, trustworthy long distance relationship. This past fall he decided he wanted to make things easier and better for us.. He went through a lot of trouble and made the impossible possible to leave his life, family, everything back at home and come move closer to me. He moved here knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see me as much as he expected because we are both attending college full time.. Are still about an hour away and plus things have been hard for me at home. I have the boyfriend that all the friends and family love.. That everyone thinks is so perfect, it is nice however when things are so good to be true.. It causes a little tilt in the relationship to be a nightmare. I’ve learned that by some rocky roads that we have hit. I have never had any trust issues with him, always felt secure and confident about us.. He feels the same. A couple of months ago I started to discover some things.. Long story short-- I learned that he lied about silly things, like going out for lunches or hanging out with a group of people (girls included) He has proven to me that it was all innocent. I am not the jealous, crazy type.. I never thought I had to be. I always trusted him to be around whoever whenever and still respect our relationship & vice versa. What hurts me the most is the dishonesty. I will admit.. I have dealt with the situations in childish ways but I am just not used mess up’s and refuse to get used to things like that. I over analyze a lot.. I have discovered that the Lies were all innocent .. And in most cases weren’t technically lies but still he did make decisions that he wouldn’t like done to him. I am certain that he is sorry.. I am certain and feel reassured that I have nothing to worry about in the “ has he been faithful” category. Like a typical woman=) .. I won’t get into detail about things I have done to hurt him that he has forgiven me for .. But I do admit to that & he has always been very forgiving. But my pride tells me that I don’t need to feel obligated to forgive him & that I should consider it something that jeopardized our relationship and leave him.. Because if he cared he wouldn’t Lie.. Or keep things away from me. I am a type of woman who “won’t stand for nothing” with constructive criticism from my close friends I realize that it would be a mistake to break off such a great relationship for something like this.. They tell me I tend to be very protective of myself and shouldn't let my pride get in my way this time w/ someone like him(they feel this way b/c they know who he is and think I should take into consideration all he‘s done for me and trust they were all honest mistakes, they tell me I need to put my pride down. My gut instinct tells me I’d be silly to leave him.. I am not really even angry at him about the situation anymore, I don’t bring it up. But I do think about it a lot.. And at times I feel that continuing and accepting this will mean I'm “ just another weak woman” for accepting someone into my life who has done this. I’m going to stop right here.. I think I might of made things seem worse then they really are ( I tend to do that) but I just want to make sure I get the most brutal honesty there is out there.

Let me try to elaborate more to familiarize you w/ my relationship & who I am...maybe this seems strange to u that I'm coming to a complete stranger..but i am young & have a strong belief that unbiased opinions could be more reliable than biased..& not sayin that what my family and friends have to say isnt right but from ur feedback u def seem to know what ur talking about..So out of curiousity taking all that i've mentioned into consideration & now after the fact .. What would YOU do with the same scenerio, try to put urself in my shoes for a min..how would u handle the situation ?
.. I don't really know what this says about me(taking-seeking advice from a complete stranger) but hey you seem educated, realistic, sincere & strong-minded. I got that observation just from your comment you left..on my post that I'm somewhat ashamed of. I really think about it now, I don't know why/how I let myself go as far as posting something seeking advice on the web..but I guess it was my childish side looking for more input on something so minor & i'm leaving a lot of things out that I've done or handled things that contribute to the reason I've prob become a mess over this..and leaving out things i've done to him that are prob just eating at me now.. So I just wanted to elaborate a little more hoping you can give me even more advice in return. See all of this happend months ago & obviously my gut instinct told me I should believe.. with the proof an all that he was faithful, that I never doubted. Neither of us have ever been the jealous types, i've never gave him the idea that I had a problem w/ him having female friends. Also another thing.. it seems that a lot of mature adults i went to for advice in healthy relationships don't consider what he's done as "lying" b/c well i guess w/ a little digging i happend to find out what i've never asked or questioned before. However I refuse to take any of that in--because it still wasn't right & he agrees. In your comment you mentioned how I should know WHY he lied. When all this happend.. in short, his explanations were that the females in the group were girls who he knew through his guy friends he made in his dorm. & that he was around the girls when he was invited to lunch or dinner a few times as a group of the new transfer college kids that lived on the same floor or would just run into each other & it would happen at random. I completely understood but i was dissapointed; b/c i told him then what is the reason from keeping that information from me. He said he never thought of it that way, and that he knows thats a mistake, he said that he never really knew who would or wouldn't show up & that it was all a very honest mistake.. that he never realized that maybe it could be wrong,that he never looked at it that way never thought of it in that way.. he was/is sorry. he begged for forgiveness but then told me he understands if i couldn't forgive him for something as little as this b/c he doesn't know how else to explain something that didn't mean anything at all. So basically his reasons why.. were never that he "needed space" or "didn't want to hurt me" or whatever other cliche things ppl lie about even when it is innocent. I realize that I put much more weight on the issue than there really was,do u agree?..after so many interegating conversations i put him through for it--i could tell. Because I realized that I made it more important then it was, made things mean more thn they really did: so i basically trapped him into apologizing and explaining it as if it were the greatest sin he's ever committed. A little about me: I am young, almost 20 yrs old, overprotective of myself, perfectionist, refuse to take in negative feelings, never believed in mistakes, over analyze everything, care too much, hypocritical, & I am recently trying to recover from a minor eating disorder(which seems to be a result of all the above personal issues that i have struggled with before my relationship, w/ or w/o him this has been me.. so as u can see maybe A lot of my personal issues/insecurities add to why I felt such betrayal by such childish things(?) & felt that i was maybe degrading myself if i was forgiving.. But I thank you so much & trust, even as a stranger.. you won't belittle my opening up to you & that you are being honest & I'd really appreciate some more input when you get the chance. Sorry that it might seem a little choppy & Long ---

- please reply to this e-mail. thank you

Well, I'll start at the bottom, of your letter and work my way up. Somehow, I can relate to your letter, completely. Your feelings are real and right. They belong to you and it is what you choose to do with them, that will make the difference.

Your guy told some dumb white lies, that really were inconsequential but lies are lies and we have to wonder what the motive was or is. Maybe he was trying to impress and it backfired on his butt. He feels the sting of that, now, I am quite sure.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with you, as a person, the whole package. I see nothing wrong with your desire for the best. You will be successful in life, by your desires alone. But of course, we are all human and we tend to mess up from time to time. That is why the words forgive and forget were invented. But I feel there is more to this, in your eyes, than a simple premise of forgive and forget. It's the principle of the incidents.

You may never really know exactly why he did and said what he did or implied. That is really not the important thing here. I have the feeling, he may have tried to make you think. What was he trying to make you think about? Was it to appreciate him because he is a desirable guy or that he is living a life, he wishes he could? I think it is running at the mouth syndrome. Many men are infected with the false bravo bug. But there is a cure for that.

My gut instincts tell me that, you will not settle for any bullshit relationship and that is right. In fact I encourage it. There is no law that says we must marry and be unhappy. But you want it right the first time. Your strict requirements for someone to engage your heart are reasonable but you must remember that men are not mind readers and they often have a need to draw attention to their manlihood. It is an age old practice and he is not any different than any other guy. So, what to do? You must reassure him from time to time. I did not say fluff his ego in a patronizing manner but never take him for granted, even if you are independent enough, that you do not need him. I know this to be true but you can not, turn it on and off when you wish, meaning you have to view a relationship, such as yours, as you let him be the man, you be the woman in the full text of the relationship and you give credit where credit is due. What I mean by that, is that there are always things, we as women need help with. In turn, this world revolves around women and the world would literally stop, if it were not for women. Do you understand what I am saying?

We as women have been put in our place but we need to empower ourselves with the fact that life and population and all things would come to a full stop, if you eradicated women. As well, we must appreciate our men, too. From the little things they do, you know, the unpleasantries in life and so on. I can not put my finger on the complex premise of what I am trying to say here, except to tell you that you do not have to bend or bow, you just have to communicate.

I realize that you do not want to harp on him, about this subject and there's nothing worse than a nag but obviously, this is still a deep cut and I understand why.

It is my suggestion, that you sit your guy down and you say that you do not want to bring up the past, in the context to squeeze out any more apology. You have forgiven him but you have not forgotten. There's a reason, it has scored you. You feel a bit of betrayal, understandably. So, you explain that you feel a bit of betrayal. He will probably look at you like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And he may even say or think, "What the hell is the big deal?" This is where you must explain to him, that you expect the very best from the best.

I'd be willing to bet that you are a gorgeous women and I'd further bet, that one half of you knows it and the other half tells you that you are crazy, for thinking that. One half of you knows that you can get whatever it is you want, whether it be a guy, job, degree, whatever. You have an extremely strong personality and are a go getter. So, I think you know that you could have another guy. But you do not want another guy and except for this, group of incidents, he has proven his loyalty. But you expect the best from the best and will not stand for anything less. You need to tell him this. Then you need to stand firmly on the fact that you will, can and should show him that's what's good for the goose, is always good for the Gander with a capital "G."

You point out to him, that he must always remember this. It is this conversation, which will mold and shape your relationship. Sometimes, a fella just needs his gal to take him by the hand and show him the world. You will and can do this and remind him that behind every good and great man, is a powerful woman, one who realizes and is fine being a woman, loves being in her own skin and has the understanding that your man, is your equal, regardless of physical attributes.

He in turn must also realize this. You are his equal and for whatever reason, that he is attracted to you, it has to be more than your good looks. He knows this and I do think he has a few insecurities. You must assure him that in your eyes, he is "The One" and you do not see anything else. So he needs to stop trying to make you think or appreciate him or playing any other games he might think up. You will not tolerate it because you do not have to. You must say this in an assertive way, matter of fact but in a loving manner.

You must also explain to him that you do not need him but that you want him. You point out, that there is a distinct difference. In order for things to work, in your world, the most important thing, is complete and total honesty. It is only through this, that trust, a variable that is paramount to every healthy relationship, grows and becomes second nature.
You must be able to trust his emotions, as well as handing him your heart. I believe you are a woman, of a higher caliber and will not and refuse to hand the keys to your heart to just anybody. Actually, he does not even realize that he is a lucky guy. There must be something about him that has entertained and played your heart strings all this time. Am I right or what?

No, he's not real good looking, not bad looking either. I think, he is a well rounded package and you want to keep it that way. He needs to appreciate the fact that you are a deep thinker but your love is deeper than most women. When you love, you love with every fiber of your being and you, indeed, are a rare breed. You are for real, you play for keeps and will kick the crap out of anything that stands in your way. You are the kind of woman that wears a Bitch Belt proudly but you simply want things to be right, not partly right but every little bit, every nook and cranny, every niche, polished, proudly.

You tell your guy that you will wipe the slate clean. But you want complete honesty from this moment on. You have chosen him because of his attributes and even the littlest of lies, tarnishes that. More importantly, I do believe, that he does not understand that, you not only love him but you respect him. You hold him in the highest regard and telling the smallest of lies, takes away from that. It's that damn simple, that's it and that's all. Now, you lean over and kiss him and whisper in his ear;
"Never again, should you tarnish that polished perception, I have of you, in my very soul."