The Few, The Proud, The Real Men

Editor's Note; This is an Update from a prior letter called This Is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I wrote you 3 weeks ago regarding my best friend crisis. That day; I followed your advice and wrote an apology email, I had my wife read through it and then I read it again. When I thought it was exactly what I had to say I sent it. Two weeks after that I hadn't heard a thing so I made a phone call to the man in question. I was not malicious or rude, I simply asked if he received my email. He used a few vulgar words towards me and hung up the phone. Yesterday I received an email that was 80% vulgar and rude language, the summary of which was he never wants to be my friend again. He doesn't even want to take the chance that my apology was real because he says I'm a coward and always will be. Aunt B, I was upfront and honest with him, I was sincere and meant every word of my apology. I know I'm not a coward. You asked me to provide an update as to how things turned out, unfortunately it's not the update I wanted to pass along to you.

What should I do now? Just forget he ever existed? Send another email?

Thank you for all your help, even if he didn't believe me. I meant my apology and I have you to thank for showing me the light.

Jeremy R

My Dearest Jeremy,

OK Darlin', since I don't know the content/context of the letter you sent to him, I'll have to ask a few questions? First let me say though, that I am content in the fact that you rose above it all, were not a coward, took that bull by the horns and made your apology. I am also sorry things didn't turn out better.

The important part here Jeremy, is that you swallowed your pride and did the right thing, did you not? You may now look in the mirror with a bit of integrity in your face. Isn't that what it's all about, I mean as a man to be able to look yourself in the eye?

It takes heart to apologize and make amends and if you ask me, it is a measure of a true man when he can admit when he's wrong or even take personal accountability for his actions. This is especially important when it comes to our children, you know to be able to apologize when we are wrong, I might add.

Even if you had only a small percentage, a mere slice in this painful pie and you've taken the time, put forth the effort to reduce that pain, I assure you no matter what, you are a stand up guy and certainly not a coward. I imagine Ben couldn't think of any other insult to sling after all, he already knows that you're not stupid, you're not ugly and you have a high set of standards, values and beliefs. You are successful and a good guy. He also knows, as I do, that for the most part, you are fearless. You have a healthy respect for certain things, meaning you are not impulsive and I do not imply you are a risk taker. You will dive in though and handle the task at hand no matter how much you'd prefer to just walk away. This is one of your chief attributes, thus he took it upon himself to try to hit you below the belt with his calling you a coward. We know differently though, don't we Dear?

See, even if other guys do not live by the old school rules such as, a man is only as good as his word, a firm handshake seals the deal and it takes a bigger man to admit his mistakes, you may now stand, head held high and count yourself amongst the few, the proud, the real men. Yes, this was an exercise in and a rite of passage, a show cause of a true man. All in all this is the defining factor, what separates the boys from the men.

Unfortunately, you may now look at the situation and see that Ben is not made of the same stuff. Ben knows it too and it intimidates him. He'll never admit it but he respected you and has always looked up to you. It is because of this that he feels such betrayal. You must be able to see this and why he is bitter, taking the stance he has. Ben respected your opinion as well, so for you to look down upon his choice, well it really hurt and I'd be willing to bet, he even questions his own choice. But simply out of spite, he'd never admit it and would take a stand against you because of it.

What To Do?

I'm hoping that your letter/email to Ben was not in defense of your feelings which would add insult to injury. What I mean by this is if you wrote him with more words as to why you said what you said but then said, "but I'm sorry if I hurt you with those words" then what you did was futile.

There may not be any resolve in this situation. It's a damn shame too. As well, I'm sorry that he did not accept your apology. Time marches on and that time also heals all wounds. maybe one day, Ben will set his own pride aside and do the right thing. I'm not counting on it though, sadly to say. It's possible that you've both grown apart. You grew up, Ben grew down, a sad state of affairs.

My last suggestion to you, is one last email(or mail him a card, maybe a Wedding Congrats?), a closing of a Chapter. I know it's not going to be easy for you but I'm putting my money on you. In that email, I would simply say;

"Ben, you are,were and always will be my good friend. I wish you nothing but the very best in your new life and I mean it with every fiber of my being. I will be here if you need me."

Now the ball is in his court, you've had the last word, held the upper hand, controlled your temper and will be able to close this Book on a positive note. You will also know that you did the right thing. Capish?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I'm 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn't talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don't tell your wife, I'm bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn't going to lie to my wife, I just wasn't coming if that's the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We're sitting at dinner and I'm watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn't like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn't the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn't like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn't over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that's the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won't email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies...actually his fiance' told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn't get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.



Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We've all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that's what it's all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I'm gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family...

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can't appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you've read anything, that I've written here, you'll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I'm just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You'll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he'll have to walk down "his road" and I'm hoping you'll walk on the berm along side him.


You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is "a good woman behind every great man." The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn't care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn "first blood." What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don't you? And don't you think, if he didn't like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn't like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he's not man enough to tell her he doesn't like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what's in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you've got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn't try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn't belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it's twists and turns, it's comedy and tragedy, it's plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it's not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, "This is Your Life," Ben didn't really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, "What the hell does he see in her?" He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn't have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn't know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I'm going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?


Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it's never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you'll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term "casting a pall" on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term "pallbearer" is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.

Real Deal

This is a post update, from this post;
Real Men Don't Fool Around

Dear Aunt Babz,

Okay soo.... I have advice to ask of you again...

soo... me and my ex are planning a trip for about two or three days out of

state...

but... thinking about it... I dont know how much i actually wanna do that...

cause its like, I want to go, and just be alone with him, and just kind

of... I guess figure everything out with him away from everything and

everyone else, but then again..... I dont know how I would feel if something

did happen... Because he isn't trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total

player, but then again, like I have been saying, I really really love him,

which I know, makes no sense, but whatever.

But what do you think?

Think this is smart, and should I even be open to anything happening again

or what?

Dear Friend,

I think, only you can answer all this. But I can help you process it. Part of it, is that element of the unknown. Part of it, is if you are willing to chance him hurting you again. Part of it is that damn love, that's blind, crippled and crazy. I know, I've been in it.

I firmly believe, you've outgrown this guy. There was a side of you, that wanted to fix him and help take care of him. I've been guilty, in the past of, "Mothering," my men and we are the kind of woman to give it our all, fix it, make it better and so on. I want you to ask yourself, if this is what's been going on and you've over looked the obvious because you are not a quitter. What's the obvious?

You are already aware and have observed that this guy, and I quote, " isn't trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total player." Those are key issues, are they not? I mean, if you don't have trust, can't get the truth and expect him to behave like he's the Pimp Playa, what do you have? Nada!

Take a look at what it really is, that keeps you thinking about him, as partner potential. Is it because he's good in bed? You can't stay in bed but for so long, right? Is it because he's elusive and you like bad boys? I know I did. If the guy, just fell into me and I didn't have to work at it, I chewed him up and spit him out. Nice guys do not make it in my world or they didn't used to.

But we must work at being happy. A guy can be all those things but if he can't be trusted, you have nothing. I do not believe it is an honorable trait to fool around. Somewhere along the line, men were taught that it's how we do do things. It's crap, if you ask me. Guys don't realize it but we're on to them. The only reason they fool around is because they have a low sense, of self-esteem and need it fluffed. As I said before, a real man does not need to fool around, to make him feel like a man. It's not really all sexual, so I believe most of it, is so they feel like big men.

In the real world, there resides, Real Men. They are the kind of man, who are trustworthy, honest, stand-up guys, who are as good as their word. You owe it to yourself, to find one.

I believe your match, will be a guy who respects you, enjoys engaging conversation, is not intimidated by your professional side and loves you, for who you are. You know, you have that sassy side, he'll respect you for it. As soon as you begin to realize that this Playa is an illusion of a man, the sooner, you'll be able to see the Real Deal. No, he's not Mr.GQ and you may not see him at first. You've been busy looking at the wrong kind of guy. No, he's not all that good looking but he'll treat you like the woman you are and appreciate you. He's hiding in plain site or he will be. Watch for him.

Real Men Don't Fool Around

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend.... So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him.... But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn't care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he's ever said. But now, I don't know whether or not I want to be with him again... Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can't imagine not being with him, and I don't know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there's somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn't care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I'm thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for "free advice" and I thought I'd give this a try. Haha.

Dear Friend,

It sounds to me, as if you've thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you've been realistic with yourself and you've managed to look at things from all directions.

If it wasn't for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I'm sure you'd have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you're willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.

When we are in love, it's a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there'd be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can't see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that's what you choose.

Yes, I think his explanation of, "She thought," we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I'd be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he'd do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he's not capable of lying about the whole affair and I'd swallow his lame ass story. But I think you're more than aware of all this, so what can you do?

As I said before, I don't know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn't know how the game is played. What game, you ask?

Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn't know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.

If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he's not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don't know they exist.

All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he'd want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were...you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.

Real men, don't fool around. No, it's the little boys, who need their ego's fluffed, that are the one's who sneak around. Tell him this.