"What's The Rush Here?"

Dear Aunt B,

Hello Readers,

I been dating this girl for 3 months. She tells me she is in love with me and that she loves me. We have great sex. I just found a letter to her friend Josh saying that any girl would be lucky enough to have him. Then she said that she was sorry she missed his call on Sunday and she felt like crying because she didn't get to talk to him and she misses him. Josh just left to the army for training. She also told him about me having a feeling that I knew how much she love him and that I was jealous. Which yes I am jealous because she is my girlfriend and she is in love with two different people with is not far to me. Josh is also in love with my girlfriend.

I asked her about Josh and she said she did not love him. I know she lied because the letter said other wise. Josh knows about me. at the end of the letter he wrote I love you and she wrote I love you so much much much much much. She has never lied to me till now.

She wants me to move in with her but I am not sure because of how she feels. I love her and if I lose her it is going to be hard for me. We spend all day together. All my time is for her. I know she thinks about him when I am around. She is not with him because she feels like he can do better then her. I feel like she lied and cheated on me. I cannot trust her. I do not want to confront her about the letter because I went through her stuff to find it.

Now my question is what should I do? If stay with her what is going to happen when he comes back? Should I give her some space? What should I do?!? Should I move in? Should I just walk away? Should I try to make her happy? Should I just forget about the letter?

PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Dear Please Help,

Well My Dear, it sounds like she's a bit wishy washy, if you ask me. I mean, well hell, I'm just gonna say it; If she says these things behind your back, in other words, in this intimate letter to him, can you, will you ever be able to really trust her feelings and emotions completely?

In an earlier writing, from a gentleman in a similar situation, I gave the advice;

All's Fair in Love and War

Possibly read this and it may help you as well. Rarely do we get the inner working of a woman's mind as you have. I am referring to the letter you read. I would take it rather seriously, if I were you. No she's not cheating on you but she comes a close second.

See, my concern is with the honesty in this issue. She is not being honest with you, and you already know this. Is that not enough to send up red flags and/or some sort of hesitancy? It would for me and I can only say that I would stay on the side of caution.

Quite frankly, I have to wonder, really, "What's the rush here?"I mean, if I were you, I might hesitate to move right in with her. Now, nothing says she does not have real feelings for you and it is possible to love two men at a time. People do it all the time, do they not? But for real, is this the type of woman that you want, the kind that gives you half her heart?

My Advice; Slow your row, watch and wait, feel it out. As time passes, she just might give you all of her heart. Again, you have to ask yourself; Are you willing to invest in such uncertainty? You seem to have a forgiving heart but my concern is that, while she has every right in the world to say whatever she wants, i.e., that she does not love Josh, her own words say otherwise. Basic Training does not last forever and he may be back. So, you must ask yourself if you should invest your own heart, time, etc., with a woman who has been less than honest. Only you can answer this.

Again, I urge you to slow things down a bit and feel for the real deal!

Keeping It Real,


Aunt B

We Are All Human

Dear Aunt Babz,

Kind Greetings

Thank you so much for your concern, I’m the one who’s sorry now for being that late in replying, but I don’t open this e-mail often.. I mean I opened it every day after I sent you but then I stopped,, and things were going fine so…

Actually It’s funny I saw this now because I just saw him five minutes ago!

You see, all this time I was struggling with myself trying to forget him without a real progress until only recently, I found my way out! It was my motherhood, I used it as a shelter, you know like I defied myself as my children’s mother, I’m there’s and only there’s! And right away I started to get my life back and go through a whole day without thinking of him, his image started to leave my head and I started to gain peace again.

But then he showed up today, wanted to get something from me that he forgot before he left work, and once he looked at me with those sad eyes I don’t know what happened!!

Why exactly did he come?! And why did he look at me this way?! What is he trying to do or to approve?! That I can’t get over him?!

You know what? We actually talked several days ago but I was perfect, I told him that he’s like a son to me and that I wish him all the best, he seemed so disappointed but still I was so proud of myself because I really felt this way, I was so strong and didn’t feel any thing, I saw everything clearly, actually I could have been his mother you know? I mean 12 whole years?! What was I thinking? What was HE thinking?!?!

But today, I don’t know, maybe I’m just fragile because I’m having my period today? Just hormonal thing?! But what if it’s not?! It took me so long to get rid of this spell, I don’t want to get through all that again.

Please tell me what you think of all this,, please tell me something, help me not to fall again in the same well!

Best regards,
Lady

Dear Lady Morning,

It sounds to me that you were missing your husband, and this fellow reminded you of when your husband was so in love with you. It sounds as though you really just wanted your husbands love back, and realized it when you went to him telling him that he was losing you, from his actions, and you didn’t want that.

Honestly, I think you did a great thing, talking to your husband and telling him your fears and needs, and you did it before it was too late. you recognized the problem was missing your husband, and you did it before you did something you couldn’t erase (like cheating).

I don’t think he is trying to bait you. I think he’s wondering what happened. Infatuations are difficult to get over, and this guy probably is wondering what he did wrong, to turn you away. He probably doesn’t understand that you were “seeing” your husband in him, and not really him... and that will likely hurt him for awhile. Hopefully the situation turns him away from lusting after married women in the future, this is a tough lesson to learn. But I think he will see what happened when he gets a little older/mature/experience to understand.

We are all human, and we are fallible. But in the face of adversity, you persevered and you did the right thing. At least I think so.

I hope you and your husband maintain your communication and can regain that love which bonded you in the first place.

~Xmichra.

On Top of the Program

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world, but i keep thinking he's flirting with my best friend and my best is slowly flirting with him! i really like him and want to keep him for everrrrrrrrrr! So what shall i do i soooooooo want to keep him for ever hes soooooooooo cute!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

From troubled lover

Dear Troubled Lover,

Well, you've not given me too much to go on but this is surely a classic case. It's also nothing I've not seen before, nor is it anything I've not experienced myself. I'd be willing to bet, this happens all the time, to countless couples, friends and so on. But it can be fixable, just as Soulseer says, "All things, in life, are fixable."

I can tell that you are young and ask you to pay attention, to what I write to you. Life lessons, my Dear, I will tell you things, you may carry all your life, ok?

It's no big secret, that guys are hardwired differently than we are. They think about sex, all the time, a constant, the younger they are. It's also no big secret than men are more apt to fool around, that's a statistical fact, unfortunately. Having said this, you have to remember to be smarter than the average girl/woman.

This guy may not be Mr. Right, the man you will marry but if he is or isn't, you can apply what I write you to this and future relationships, ok?

Trust is the biggest factor, in any relationship. While you may trust your man, you never feed him to the Lioness', you never look the other way and you never believe it won't happen to you or your man is exempt from the urges of temptation.

You'll make yourself sick, if you allow it to run you but you just have to be on top of the game. For the guys that like to place themselves into situations where they may be tempted, i.e. going to bars, strip clubs, frat parties, beach parties, etc., where you are not present, they are certainly placing themselves in the line of fire. When and if they add the factor of drinking/drugs, their inhibitions and ability to abstain from temptation is almost always compromised. I'd be willing to bet that most guys, if and when they did fool around, would admit they were under the influence. They like to blame it on drinking, an excuse for their indiscretion.

While you can not stop them from doing what they want to do, you can make it very clear that what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander. You must always place them in your shoes, let them feel what you are feeling, when they go out and you don't know what they are really up to. I have rarely seen a guy who has the capability to really understand, until they themselves live it, what it's like for you to sit home, wondering what they are up to. Wonder and worry. So, sometimes, you must turn the tables and let them sit home and wonder if some guy is hitting on you. I hate to say it but often times, this is the only way they'll really get the gist of the emotions that go with this. I had to do this because my husband was always saying that he "needed" a night out with the guys. I'd sit home wondering what was really going on. After a few Saturday nights, home alone, I made the decision to put him in the hot seat. It changed his opinion about things as he sat wondering and waiting. Just an example.

While this may not apply to you, at this age and juncture of your life, it may, a few years from now and the concept, of placing them, in your shoes, rings true for everything.

You don't want to be perceived as a worry wart, possessive, jealous or accusing, I think you need only to put things into perspective for your guy. At first opportunity, you sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that's just too much, not to mention. Then, you have to spin things, just a bit. While it is not a lie, you must have a certain approach, as to how you lay all this out.

You tell him that you care so much about him but you're not stupid. Now, this is the important part; You tell him that you've noticed your friend, coming on to him and then you tell him, he's probably not even aware of it. See, by saying it, like this, you are not accusing him and he won't put up a wall of defense. You are shifting the blame on your girlfriend, that lil' hussy. I might add that she's not much of a friend, knowing that you care for him, so very much and flirting with him, right under your nose. Actually, it's pretty disrespectful and she's crossed that fine line between being friendly with your boyfriend and being out and out flirtatious.

"I will not be disrespected, in this manner and from this point on, I'll ask you to keep your distance from her, as she is not really my friend anymore."

My Dear, you do not need friends that will blatantly disrespect you, understand? You tell him this too. Friends don't flirt with the guy you care about, even if they are pretending to just be fooling around.

By saying all this to him but not accusing him, he will now see that you are on top of the program, you are not blind and you want nothing more to do with a friend that would throw a wrench in the works of your happy relationship. In turn, him knowing that you can see what's happening, he'll cool his heels, maybe keep his distance from her because he knows you know what's what. Yes, always be on top of the program, be one step ahead of the game.

The next step, is you go to this supposed girlfriend and you let her know that she has disrespected you by being overly flirtatious with your guy and you'd appreciate it, if she would stop as he's getting the wrong idea. Guys eat it up, when a girl flirts with them but it opens doors of opportunity that should not be open.

If you feel you can't approach this friend and tell her that she's done you wrong, which she has, you begin a plan of distancing yourself from her and especially when you are with your guy. Remember, with friends like her, who needs enema's?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Wrinkles And All

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I don’t know how to explain my situation but I will try to give you an idea. I thought we had a perfect marriage, we never had a fight or even a serious argument in the past eight years of our marriage. Our problem started two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was combined with some problems at work which I think made my wife feel a little bit lonely and depressed. With my mother in Law's illness the whole family went into turmoil. For my wife the word cancer just makes her depressed, Cancer has claimed a number of her family members. Her father died of cancer when she was only 15 years old and her uncle and grandfather died of cancer. My wife took the full responsibility of staying with her mother during her mother's treatment away from me and our children.


During this period or may be slightly before, my wife developed a relationship with a person she has met while dropping the children to school. She started calling this person on almost a daily basis and during my business trips she will take the opportunity to have long conversations with him. I have discovered this relationship and she first denied her calls and latter she has admitted her relationship. My wife told me that the relationship started because she needed a friend to talk to and she was just speaking about her mother illness. She assured me that there weren’t any sexual relationship and it was just friendly. Our marriage was at risk for me not because of the relationship but because of her not being honest with me. I told her that honesty is key to our marriage and she has betrayed me by not admitting to this relationship.

After a few months of “separation” she has assured me that she was sorry and this person doesn’t mean anything to her. Things were not the same anymore, I always thought of her relationship with this person. And became more suspicious, whenever she speaks on the phone or she gets an sms on the phone I will always think it is from this person. But I was always trying to show that things are ok and was trying to work to suppress my feelings. She stopped contacting this person for a while but after some time this person tried contacting my wife and she called him to inform him not to call her any more and just to leave her alone. She never told me of this incident and when I have asked her if she spoke to him recently she denied it. Later she admitted what happened and again she was sorry and afraid that any contact with this person will jeopardize our marriage. And that is why she didn’t want to tell me. Although it is not a serious incident again, but I was upset because she didn’t tell me immediately of this person trying to contact her. This incident made me even more suspicious, I started looking at her phone whenever I can always thinking of what happened. I told her after awhile that I was loosing my mind and I was always trying to check her phone and I wasn’t getting over of what has happened. She always assured me that this person didn’t mean anything to her. She was lonely during her mother's treatment and she didn’t know why she started speaking to him but he was always listening to her problems. I thought a good vacation with the kids will make us forget this bad chapter in our relationship and we will try to renew our marriage. Things were going smooth, and I was slowly forgetting everything.


Recently I have discovered that she was searching for this person on a web site specialized for finding friends and school mates. This time I was furious, when I confronted her she admitted to this and she me, told she was stupid to look for him. I stopped speaking to her and I recently informed her that I am tired of her games and I don’t really care for her anymore. I don’t know what to do now? She is currently away. She told me to forgive her it was a stupid thing she did and doesn’t deserve any reaction from me. For me it is a matter of principle and it quickly brought to me the old bad feelings. I told her I will not forgive her, but it is up to her to prove to me that she deserves my trust again. I will not forgive her and I don’t know when I will forgive her for breaking my trust for a third time. I know searching the person name on the internet is not a serious thing, but for me I thought this person will be out of lives forever. And I don’t know why she insists on bringing him back. Please advise me on what to do and if I am over reacting?. For me I am a business man and I travel a lot, I can’t continue looking through her phone bills and checking her phone. Trust is a pillar to any marriage and I have never betrayed her which makes my hurting even greater and my forgiveness harder to gain. We are not speaking together at the moment and she is away and shall be back in few days and I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I don’t know who to consult and you seem that you have seen and experienced so many incidents in your lifetime. For me it is very strange to write to a stranger, but this seems to be easier than speaking to my own family. At the moment we are putting a nice show to both our families that our marriage is healthy but I can’t tolerate this situation any more? Please help?

Please treat this matter with confidentiality.

Thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Man with a Broken Heart



Dear Broken Heart,

I really feel for you. Oddly enough, I too experienced betrayal and know how that feels. My situation was different of course, as he out and out fooled around on me. It was in the very beginning of our relationship and no we weren't married but we were living in sin, I mean living together, lol! But when a man/woman is telling you that they love you, sleeping in your bed every night, it's a marriage.

Betrayal is betrayal and it stings no matter who it is. She betrayed you and your trust. I can see that trust is a big issue for you, as well. It is my biggest issue in a relationship, too. If you don't have it, you are in serious trouble.

I am not trying to incite you but it almost pulled me under too and I almost lost my mind. It brought out a jealous and possessive, untrusting side, well, I never want to be that person again. I was digging through his car and checking the phone and watching his every move, questioning his behaviors and I even thought he was sneaking out at night, after I'd gone to bed. I would check the windows and I was an obsessed mess. That was partly, my fault because I allowed him to make me crazy. Of course, I should have kicked him to the curb but it was a Fatal Attraction. It was never a healthy relationship. This man was abusive as well and I never trusted his emotions, even long after the physical abuse had stopped.

My point is, that once you have been betrayed, on any level, not once, not twice but three times, it is hard to trust her emotions, even if she is sincere. What she did, was wrong and you need only to spin the perspective. How would she have liked it, if she'd found out, that you were doing the same thing. Appearance doesn't make or break the situation but what if you were chatting it up with some really pretty girl? If she found out, I'll bet she'd go ballistic. She catches you and you say you'll stop talking to her, for the sake of the marriage. But for whatever reason or your supposed "need to end it", you were not honest and you did not tell her about that conversation, she'd want your balls, on a platter. But then, she finds out, you are looking for this woman, on the internet. Well, suffice it to say, she is not going to believe you or any word that comes out of your mouth.

Now, I'm gonna go gansta here. I am going to be very blunt and I set this up, for a reason. I am an extremely caring person. I am empathic and compassionate but I am going to speak the truth here;
I don't care what circumstance it was or is, she was wrong. I do not care what problems she had or has, she is wrong. I know Cancer is a terrible thing. My own Father died from Cancer but that does not give me license to chat up some guy.

I think you were more than understanding and tried very hard, not to behave like a jealous husband. But I think this problem may go much deeper, than the fact that she needed to talk to somebody, anybody because of her situation.

Now, I am not a marriage counselor and will admit it is not my specialty. You may need counseling and it's a good possibility that it could improve and save your marriage.

But you wrote to me and I will give my opinion because you asked me to.

In order for you to heal from this, you must be able to forgive her, right? But she must also be or admit to her wrong doing and I don't mean just saying the words. She must realize that she had no business even talking to this guy on such an intimate level. She must also realize, just how badly, she has hurt you. She has to know, that you feel betrayed. Before she can truly be remorseful, she must truly understand the nature of her crime against you.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I believe that we must do our damnedest to save our marriages. I am a firm believer that God frowns upon those who just jump ship, only to climb aboard another. It is not to say, that in some instances, it is just about the only answer but we must first do, whatever it takes to work it out.

In this case, I think you need to put things into perspective. She needs to understand that it is not your fault that she felt the need to run, proverbially, to another man for comfort, in a trying time. She needs to understand that , you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, you are always there for her, whether you are there physically or not. She needs to understand that you are not buying her supposed need for comfort in a trying time. That was only a lie, she told herself and you. She needs to understand just how devastating her actions were and you must project, just exactly how she would feel, if you had done the same damn thing, to her.

How would she like to find out, all along, you've been too friendly with a gal and were comforted by her because you were having a hard time at your job. I would be willing to call her a liar to her face, if she told me, she wouldn't mind, you doing the same exact thing. So, let's quit using excuses and medical illnesses for a much deeper need.

Having said this, we must ask ourselves, what was her true agenda, the true nature of her behavior? Maybe, she didn't fool around but she might as well have. Yes, it's that serious and it's the principle of the whole damn mess. She may, in her mind, think, "Well, I didn't do anything," but the shoe need only, to be put on the other foot. You were not there for all the conversations and do not know what was or was not said. My mind would be running rampant with implication.

She needs to understand that even the best intentions can be misconstrued. If you did the same thing and left her to wonder, if your heart had wandered, she'd probably understand this bitter bullshit. Yes siree, you can bet your bum, we need a good ol' dose of reality and truth here. If it is to work, you must put your ego and anger aside and talk about all of you feelings. She has got to know, how it feels to be betrayed, even on this level.

OK, I'm gonna go gansta again. You are not innocent either, now are you? You have been somewhat removed and barely there. You have been going on with life, as if things would always be the same and she'd always be there. You quit working at your marriage. Marriage is much like a business deal. You have to produce and work at it or the Company folds. You almost had a hostile takeover. You almost lost your VP to another Company. That other Company was trying to recruit your best Executive.

Now, I know you love her and she knows you love her. But we all need to have it enforced and you must be productive, in entertaining her heart. See, I think, you didn't mean to, but you took her love, for granted. You may have been within ear shot of any conversation she needed to have but she didn't feel you were really there. Do you understand what I mean, when I say, you were not there?

You can be in the same room, standing beside or even in bed, making whoopie with someone but you are not there and your heart is not in it. You became detached. You didn't mean to but you both drifted apart. You took that love for granted, didn't you?

It's like this, a man can tell his wife, he loves her, a million times but they are only words. She needs to feel it in his love making, in his whisper, in her ear. She needs to see it in his eyes.

I want you to begin to try to heal from this but be more aware as a whole. I want you to take her by the hand, walk with her and ask her, really, why she felt the need to go to another man, even emotionally? Tell her you want complete honesty, from that moment on. If she wants things to work, between you two, she must always be honest.

Tell her that you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, she need only, to come to you and you will always be there for her. I think she will tell you, that she felt you were not, emotionally there, for her. You tell her, you are sorry for that and you are willing to work harder on this. She needs to know that she abused your trust and she was wrong but you want things to work. You then ask her, what does she want from your marriage? Does she want it to be a life full of lies, betrayal and half truths? A better recipe would be complete and utter truth and a willingness to make it work. She must decide, then and there, as well as you, that the both of you will do what it takes to make it work.

From that moment on, you will not rub her nose in it but she must know, that you will never be gullible again. The innocence is lost. But if she wants to work at this, the lines of communication must always be open and you both need to work at, a loving and rewarding relationship. You must both learn from this and to never take each other for granted again. Marriage is a symbol of your love and that love, should never be, anything but a priority in your lives. After all, when all hell breaks loose and people come and go, your children move away, it must be consolation, that you've worked, all your lives, not for a house and home, cars and vacations but to wake to someone who loves you, unconditionally, wrinkles and all.