‘My Way Or The Highway’

Dear Aunt B,

I have a great 10 year relationship with my fiance'. When we met I was 23 and
he was a divorced father of 3. I grew up with both my parents so I have always
respected and never tried to interfere with the relationship that he has with
his children. The problem arises 10 years later when his youngest child is
19 and his oldest is 23. I do not have any children..and I hoped and planned to
prepare to begin "our life" now that his children are young adults. Well.. it
seems that "this life" will never really materialize because of his constant and
consistent "obsession" with the children that are NOW adults. To this day..they
seem to come before me.. and us.. We stayed in their hometown to help raise
them..and made plans to move to Florida this year. Just today I heard him tell
his oldest daughter that when we leave he is going to send for them!! I don't think
that it is a problem that he loves and wants to stay close with his children.. but
the point is is that they are NOT my children!! and it seems as if my life will
never materialize into the dreams that I dream..because we are still living in his
past..not OUR FUTURE together!! Please help me.. Do I reconsider this
relationship??



Dear Please Help:

You are not going to like what I have to say, and I know it. But… honestly, you need to get a grip.

Being a parent doesn’t end once the kids are into early adulthood. Hell, it never ends. And the way that you are focused on having a life with no kids to interfere, well you shouldn’t have had kids. And by extension, YOU DO.

When you decided to be part of that family, this was a choice that you made, not them. And you need to realize that if you are reconsidering the relationship *now*… well, I’m thinking it was never going to work out like you had planned and hoped. You are counting on him dropping his kids, and that is clearly not going to happen. Basing your life with your future dreams… you are forgetting all about him when you say “OUR”. His life has three children, and yours does not. Both of you have to realize that and compromise, instead of making a strong-headed decision of ‘my way or the highway’.

Yes, they are legally adults. But there are a lot of young adults who are just not mature enough, or ready to be far away from their parents. Better still, there are plenty of mature, independent people who want to remain close to their parents. So trying to weed out that natural bond, quite frankly, is futile. You will drive yourself crazy trying to do that (nor should You).

I feel I have failed you, because I don’t have advice for you. I wish you good luck with trying to find your dreams in life, but in all honesty do not think you will find it if you choose to take a stand with this situation. It might clear you up to other endeavors, but as for this question… I have no advice due to the complicity in a simple question. I have an opinion, but those are a dime a dozen.

I do hope that whatever you choose, you do find some happiness.

~Xmichra

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The Bottom Line

Dear Aunt B,

A while ago I went through a bit of a rough patch, I withdrew myself from my
friends and stopped going out with them. I felt very depressed and I don't know why.
Now i'm feeling so much better and I just wanted things to go back to normal with my
friends but it didn't. I have no close friends anymore and i feel stupid trying to
talk to people who have no interest in me. They're not outright mean but they never
invite me to go out anywhere and I feel pathetic asking if I can come. I feel like I have lost so
much of myself and i don't know what to do. I've tried making other friends but
its my final year at school and everyone has their own friendships.Its just really hard because
I have no one to talk to at all. What do you think i should do?

lisa


Dear Lisa,

First I would like to tell you how glad I am that you have kicked your depression down, and are feeling better. That is no small feat, and you should really look at that as a huge accomplishment. Many people go through their whole lives trying to do this. And though I am going to ask you to do the leg work of repair after being drawn into depression, know that it doesn’t make you a weaker individual or a lesser person for treating your friends the way you have. This is common in depression, and the bottom line is, you are healing your mind and emotions, now its time to mend some fences too.

It’s hard for a person to come to terms with actions you have made without explanation, so that being said, I would talk to whomever I thought was my closest friend in that bunch, and explain to them what happened. Explanations are hard to do, and may seem embarrassing, but it is worth it to regain a friendship. Friendships are a two way street of trust and understanding, and if you don’t feel you can trust a person and they won’t understand... well either you aren’t that great of friends or you are scared for someone to know you. Figuring that out can be tough sometimes, but more often than not, it’s already a feeling you have. It is difficult to return back to “normal” once you have withdrawn and isolated yourself. Your friends are only human and likely felt hurt and just like you do now, feeling pathetic thinking you don’t care to do anything with them.

People are generally more open and understanding once they do not feel like they are on the defensive. And that is how a person feels once being shunned or ignored. They are likely wondering what they did wrong and can’t figure out why you dislike them so much. So now, this turn of events with you coming back into their lives has probably throw them off, setting a warning flag. I know I would be wondering what was going on, and what you wanted if you stopped talking to me all together and then just wanted to start talking again.

So, the advice is simple, but hard. You should tell your friend(s) your situation, take responsibility for being withdrawn and shut down to them, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Not an easy task, but well worth the reward; friendship.

Wishing You Strength & Courage,

~Xmichra

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Measure of a True Friend

dear x ,
i have one problem.My best friend is going out with the school screw up. He takes drugs and he is in a gang. should i tell my friend he is so wrong for her ?

sincerely,
Lost in friendship and relationship

Dear Lost,

The measure of a true friend is telling us the things that we don’t want to hear, but also to be supportive when we disagree. Somewhat contradictory huh?

Do you know for sure that he takes drugs? Do you know for sure that he is part of a gang? Or is this just common perception? Sometimes the biggest mistake you can make is to prematurely judge a person. So make sure your concern is valid, or you just might lose your friend.

Essentially what I think holds true though, is that if you are true friends you should be able to voice your concern about this guy, but also be open to accept her decision. And sometimes that is really difficult when it puts the person you care for in a bad situation.

You should tell your friend that you are concerned and try not to vent off on how bad this guy is for her, this will only make her defensive and mad. Just be honest with her, and hopefully she will show you if you are wrong, or take your advice and get out of that relationship.

Good Luck with the talk,

~Xmichra.