Dear Aunt B,I have a great 10 year relationship with my fiance'. When we met I was 23 and
he was a divorced father of 3. I grew up with both my parents so I have always
respected and never tried to interfere with the relationship that he has with
his children. The problem arises 10 years later when his youngest child is
19 and his oldest is 23. I do not have any children..and I hoped and planned to
prepare to begin "our life" now that his children are young adults. Well.. it
seems that "this life" will never really materialize because of his constant and
consistent "obsession" with the children that are NOW adults. To this day..they
seem to come before me.. and us.. We stayed in their hometown to help raise
them..and made plans to move to Florida this year. Just today I heard him tell
his oldest daughter that when we leave he is going to send for them!! I don't think
that it is a problem that he loves and wants to stay close with his children.. but
the point is is that they are NOT my children!! and it seems as if my life will
never materialize into the dreams that I dream..because we are still living in his
past..not OUR FUTURE together!! Please help me.. Do I reconsider this
relationship??
Dear Please Help:You are not going to like what I have to say, and I know it. But… honestly, you need to get a grip.
Being a parent doesn’t end once the kids are into early adulthood. Hell, it never ends. And the way that you are focused on having a life with no kids to interfere, well you shouldn’t have had kids. And by extension, YOU DO.
When you decided to be part of that family, this was a choice that you made, not them. And you need to realize that if you are reconsidering the relationship *now*… well, I’m thinking it was never going to work out like you had planned and hoped. You are counting on him dropping his kids, and that is clearly not going to happen. Basing your life with your future dreams… you are forgetting all about him when you say “OUR”. His life has three children, and yours does not. Both of you have to realize that and compromise, instead of making a strong-headed decision of ‘my way or the highway’.
Yes, they are legally adults. But there are a lot of young adults who are just not mature enough, or ready to be far away from their parents. Better still, there are plenty of mature, independent people who want to remain close to their parents. So trying to weed out that natural bond, quite frankly, is futile. You will drive yourself crazy trying to do that (nor should You).
I feel I have failed you, because I don’t have advice for you. I wish you good luck with trying to find your dreams in life, but in all honesty do not think you will find it if you choose to take a stand with this situation. It might clear you up to other endeavors, but as for this question… I have no advice due to the complicity in a simple question. I have an opinion, but those are a dime a dozen.
I do hope that whatever you choose, you do find some happiness.
~Xmichra
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