Listen to Yourself

Editors Note; It is my pleasure to have Mary answer a question once again. Mary is our resident, "Sexpert." She has her finger on the pulse of Sexual Addiction and is best suited for this type of question. While Xmichra seems to answer the bulk of questions we get every week and works extremely hard at giving the best advice online, we do realize that Mary is not able to answer as many questions as Xmichra does. Hopefully, you, the Reader will appreciate it, as we do, when Mary is able to answer a question. Here at Ask Aunt Babz, we do our damnedest, within the confines of our schedules; work, family and so on, (yes, things have been delayed due to my recent move)to take the time to answer, each and every question posed to us. Thus, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Xmichra and Mary for all their time and talent in addressing these pressing issues. I hope you, as well, "The Reader" will appreciate the fantastic job, these ladies and gentleman, do to unselfishly give of their time to help you gain some perspective, opinion and hopefully supportive answers.



Dear Aunt Babz,

I found this via a link on the "Room of Mama's Own"

website and I hope I can have an honest answer from a

smart lady (or ladies) who knows firsthand about

having a sex addict as a partner.

I've just discovered that my fiance has been

sleeping with prostitutes since we've been engaged. I

am so devastated. I knew he had a porn addiction,

which has always caused tension in the relationship,

and this was always what I feared would eventually

happen. The funny thing is, I can't decide whether or

not to call off the wedding. I thought I would

instantly if he ever betrayed me like this. I feel

something must be wrong with me. We are supposed to

get married in 6 months, and due to visa requirements,

whatever decision I make is really going to have to be

final - no "postponing" the wedding, no canceling the

visa application then changing my mind.

I guess what I really need to know is, from ladies

who stayed to work things out, is the roller-coaster

of recovery, relapse, lies that I worry I will be in

for should we marry REALLY worth it. Is there

something wrong with me if I don't leave him? If your

partners' revelations had come in the countdown to

your wedding instead of years later once

kids/home/happy memories were in the picture, would

you have gone ahead? Knowing what you know now, would

you have walked down the aisle, or looked for another

partner?

I love my fiance so much. I don't think I will ever

find anyone else I will love as much as him. I

understand this is an addiction and he's not evil, but

I'm in excruciating pain, and I never want to feel

this way again. I've been trying to do the COSA thing

since i learned about the porn addiction 2 years ago,

but it doesn't speak to me. All of these women, and

those I met through my fiance's old therapist, seem

either sad and drained, spending as much energy

'detaching' as they would "controlling", or bitter

and, having left their partners, feeling that that is

what everyone should do. My fiance's therapist says

his prognosis is good, but this is a massive gamble to

take. I can't talk to anyone I know about this. I'd

appreciate any insight you could give me.

thank you,

Anonymous


Mary Said


Dear T,

Since you found your way to Ask Aunt B through a link from my blog, A Room of Mama's Own, you already know that my husband, like your fiancé, is a sex addict. You are facing such a difficult decision already. I'm sorry the visa situation is adding pressure to that.

A good friend of mine taught me that when I'm asking for advice, I should listen to myself and ask the question "What answer do I want to hear?" The answer to that question tells you which path you feel ready to follow.

If you wrote here wanting me to tell you that you're not crazy and it's ok to marry him, then marry him: it's possible that marriage to a recovering sex addict can work and be loving and fulfilling. If you wrote here wanting me to convince you that you really shouldn't, then don't: marriage to a sex addict, even one in recovery, is difficult and painful. If you really aren't sure what you wanted, don't make a decision now. You still have some time. Wait and be still, Listen to Yourself and you'll know what to do. I can't guarantee that the choice you make will lead to happiness. I can't guarantee that you won't kick yourself down the road for choosing either way. But I believe you'll be making the choice you need to.

I truly believe that all choices are good choices. They don't all bring happiness, but since happiness is transitory, that doesn't matter. They all lead us a little further on our journey, a little closer to ourselves, a little closer to the divine. Whether you marry this man or not, it will be the right thing for you, right now, and that's what really matters.

You also had some specific questions, and I'll do the best I can to answer those:

Is the roller-coaster of recovery, relapse, lies that I worry I will be in for should we marry REALLY worth it?

It has been for me, but for many, many other people, it's not. There will be more lies and there will be more pain. Only you can know whether it's worth it to you.

Is there something wrong with me if I don't leave him?

Maybe. But that same thing will still be wrong even if you do leave.

If your partners' revelations had come in the countdown to your wedding instead of years later once
kids/home/happy memories were in the picture, would you have gone ahead?

I certainly would have gone ahead with it if I had the outlook on life then that I do now, but if I were still the person I was then... I don't know. I always said I'd leave if he cheated, and I really did believe I'd do it, even with kids, but when the time came, I didn't. There were certainly inklings I'd gotten and things he'd done to hurt me before the marriage, but I went ahead anyway.

Knowing what you know now, would you have walked down the aisle, or looked for another partner?

Knowing what I know now -- the totality of what I know now -- I would marry my husband again a thousand times. I have seen my husband show over and over what a good man he is, in spite of the pain of addiction. And while I know the pain, I also know there was no way for me to avoid the pain. Because of my own distorted way of seeing the world, any partner I would have picked would just have had different problems, and those problems would eventually have brought me pain like what I faced anyway.

I've been trying to do the COSA thing since i learned about the porn addiction 2 years ago, but it doesn't speak to me.

Ok, I know that wasn't actually a question, but I just wanted to give you my sympathy. I had similar problems with S-Anon, which is one of the reasons I don't go to meetings anymore. There were so many women in the program who were so hurt that they couldn't move beyond their anger and bitterness, so I didn't see many models for where I wanted to be in my life and my marriage.

It's a hard, hard choice you face. I can't tell you which one to make. I can't tell you which path will lead you to greatest happiness or greatest pain or greatest knowledge. But I believe that if you try to do things the way you think you "should" rather than accept the place you're in, those decisions will just come back to kick you over and over again until you learn the lessons they were trying to teach you. Whatever decision you make, your life will be moving forward just the way it should.

Feel free to email me at mamampj@gmail.com if it would help you to talk more.

My best to you,
Mary (MPJ)
at A Room of Mama's Own

Planting Recovery Seeds

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi There

I dont know what to do, ,my husband and i have been married for five years but been together for 10, the last 3 years when he drinks he is nasty to the point that i end up in tears, he doesn't care ?

He sits on the couch at night while i do everything and says he is tired although i also work full day and have our 4 year old to take care of at night. If he can be away from me fishing he seems happiest. he has basically told friends and family while under the influence ( joking as he says) he would rather be fishing than be at home with us. When he goes fishing he comes home so intoxicated he can hardly stand. If the two of us do happen to go out for a drink he either sits in silence or talks to all his friends as if i am invisible. I dont know whether he wants out or not when i ask he says NO, but tells me if i am not happy to go,he cant force me to stay

Please help me im desperate.

Kind Regards
Gail Muller

Dear Gail,

I really feel for you and I kinda know what you're going through. He's probably Dr.Jeckle/Mr.Hyde, huh? Unfortunately, being an alcoholic, as he is, yes, I said,"Alcoholic," will change a man. I do believe, it'll take a good man down, as it's poison seeps, deep inside and changes their outlook, on you, life in general and all unbeknownst to the individual, trapped within. He is poisoned, yet he can't see it.

Alcoholism is nothing new, it is a disease and there is help out there. The problem is that, you can't get the help for him. You can want it more than anything in the world but he's got to want it, for himself.

The first step, is admitting you have a problem. Until a man comes to grips with the fact that his drinking his ruining his life and the lives of all around him, he'll not change a thing. He must hit his proverbial, "Bottom," usually before, he'll decide it's time to climb out. So, how can we usher that in?

You shouldn't have to deal with him and his garbage. You shouldn't end your night in tears but only you can look in the mirror and say, when you've had enough. You are delaying the inevitable, every day, you swallow the abuse, look the other way or tolerate half a husband. Nope, you need to get a tad bit resentful at that nasty drink that's coming between you and the man you once loved unconditionally and without doubt.

The Harsh Reality

I will be a bit bold by saying the following; You need to get pissed enough, fed up enough to leave your husband. You're playing cards with him right now and he believes he's got an Ace up his sleeve and he can do, say and behave any damn way he pleases. You need to call his bluff, otherwise, life as you know it, will only get worse. This you can count on.

Now, let me say this first, I am all about working things out in a marriage. I believe in honoring your marriage vows, take them rather seriously and believe you must do all in your power to heal your marriage.

Secondly, you begin to pray for your husband, fervently. You pray that God or your Higher Power, deals with him and you must, "Let go and let God." It's not easy saying, "Thy will be done," but that's exactly what needs to happen.

Third, he needs to feel the burn of your raw emotion and know just how stinkin' fed up, you really are. I can just about guarantee, if your husband were sober, he'd be a different man, loving father and husband. Remember, all along, his thinking is poisoned.

I don't know your situation, financially or otherwise but if I could prescribe an ideal plan for you, I'd tell you to leave your husband, telling him on the way out the door, that when he comes to terms with the effects of drinking and the extent of the damage done, because of it, you will talk to him. Until then, he need not bother you. One of two things will happen, will come about or out of this; You'll make him think or you'll break free. I hope it'd be, that he would begin to see the light and will rally.

If there's no possibility of your leaving, then I suggest you begin to plant seeds. Do your homework, concerning addiction/alcoholism. AA/NA is the absolute best program out there. It's principles are to live by and when used, implemented and lived, there is a healing. As I said before, all the wishing in the world, on your part, with not get sobriety for your husband.

I think it's time for the tough love. If nothing else, he needs to realize that you've had enough. He needs to realize that you're calling him on his crap and you're putting a name on it; Alcoholism

You must begin to arm yourself with information, knowledge concerning the nature of the beast. Yes, it is a disease, for which there is no known cure but there can be a healing, if he understands his addiction. Planting seeds is the beginning. There's lots of info on the internet and if it's possible for you to go to meetings designed for family of the alcoholic, I suggest you go. Read this, "Red Flags." This post has some good advice, as well as the 12 Steps of AA.

You've got your hands full and your work ahead of you. This can be done but you've got to make up your mind, that you're gonna stick to your guns. When it comes down to the harsh reality of it all, you've got nothing to lose but so much to gain. You have a right to be happy. But you must realize that it won't go away on it's own. It looks to me, like you need to make the first move here, dig in and say that you have had enough. You let him know that you don't like who he's become and you want your husband back. You must let him know that he has a problem, he must admit to. If he admits to it, seeks help and does what he can to work this, you'll stand by his side till the bitter end. make sure you mention to him, that he needs to be honest with himself. Right now, he's living a lie and no it's not manly to make an ass out of yourself, treat your family like crap and hurt your wife, in the name of, "I work 40 hours a week and I deserve to drink and fish," so on and so forth. Yea, some men can do this and it doesn't cause problems. More often than not, alcohol has the ability to kill, break up marriages, ruin friendships and eventually, you lose your dignity, not to mention the respect you've lost from family and friends.

Make the decision, to take this disease on. Decide that you deserve to be happy, as well, so do your children. Begin to plant seeds.

Let him know that you love him enough to say stop. You love him enough to stick by him, if he chooses to get help. Most of all, you love him enough to bring it all to his attention, hope he gets help and begins to heal, instead of just writing him off, as half a man, with an incurable disease.

I pray that your healing begins. Please keep us updated.

Alcoholics Anonymous

12 Steps of AA

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.