Planting Recovery Seeds

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi There

I dont know what to do, ,my husband and i have been married for five years but been together for 10, the last 3 years when he drinks he is nasty to the point that i end up in tears, he doesn't care ?

He sits on the couch at night while i do everything and says he is tired although i also work full day and have our 4 year old to take care of at night. If he can be away from me fishing he seems happiest. he has basically told friends and family while under the influence ( joking as he says) he would rather be fishing than be at home with us. When he goes fishing he comes home so intoxicated he can hardly stand. If the two of us do happen to go out for a drink he either sits in silence or talks to all his friends as if i am invisible. I dont know whether he wants out or not when i ask he says NO, but tells me if i am not happy to go,he cant force me to stay

Please help me im desperate.

Kind Regards
Gail Muller

Dear Gail,

I really feel for you and I kinda know what you're going through. He's probably Dr.Jeckle/Mr.Hyde, huh? Unfortunately, being an alcoholic, as he is, yes, I said,"Alcoholic," will change a man. I do believe, it'll take a good man down, as it's poison seeps, deep inside and changes their outlook, on you, life in general and all unbeknownst to the individual, trapped within. He is poisoned, yet he can't see it.

Alcoholism is nothing new, it is a disease and there is help out there. The problem is that, you can't get the help for him. You can want it more than anything in the world but he's got to want it, for himself.

The first step, is admitting you have a problem. Until a man comes to grips with the fact that his drinking his ruining his life and the lives of all around him, he'll not change a thing. He must hit his proverbial, "Bottom," usually before, he'll decide it's time to climb out. So, how can we usher that in?

You shouldn't have to deal with him and his garbage. You shouldn't end your night in tears but only you can look in the mirror and say, when you've had enough. You are delaying the inevitable, every day, you swallow the abuse, look the other way or tolerate half a husband. Nope, you need to get a tad bit resentful at that nasty drink that's coming between you and the man you once loved unconditionally and without doubt.

The Harsh Reality

I will be a bit bold by saying the following; You need to get pissed enough, fed up enough to leave your husband. You're playing cards with him right now and he believes he's got an Ace up his sleeve and he can do, say and behave any damn way he pleases. You need to call his bluff, otherwise, life as you know it, will only get worse. This you can count on.

Now, let me say this first, I am all about working things out in a marriage. I believe in honoring your marriage vows, take them rather seriously and believe you must do all in your power to heal your marriage.

Secondly, you begin to pray for your husband, fervently. You pray that God or your Higher Power, deals with him and you must, "Let go and let God." It's not easy saying, "Thy will be done," but that's exactly what needs to happen.

Third, he needs to feel the burn of your raw emotion and know just how stinkin' fed up, you really are. I can just about guarantee, if your husband were sober, he'd be a different man, loving father and husband. Remember, all along, his thinking is poisoned.

I don't know your situation, financially or otherwise but if I could prescribe an ideal plan for you, I'd tell you to leave your husband, telling him on the way out the door, that when he comes to terms with the effects of drinking and the extent of the damage done, because of it, you will talk to him. Until then, he need not bother you. One of two things will happen, will come about or out of this; You'll make him think or you'll break free. I hope it'd be, that he would begin to see the light and will rally.

If there's no possibility of your leaving, then I suggest you begin to plant seeds. Do your homework, concerning addiction/alcoholism. AA/NA is the absolute best program out there. It's principles are to live by and when used, implemented and lived, there is a healing. As I said before, all the wishing in the world, on your part, with not get sobriety for your husband.

I think it's time for the tough love. If nothing else, he needs to realize that you've had enough. He needs to realize that you're calling him on his crap and you're putting a name on it; Alcoholism

You must begin to arm yourself with information, knowledge concerning the nature of the beast. Yes, it is a disease, for which there is no known cure but there can be a healing, if he understands his addiction. Planting seeds is the beginning. There's lots of info on the internet and if it's possible for you to go to meetings designed for family of the alcoholic, I suggest you go. Read this, "Red Flags." This post has some good advice, as well as the 12 Steps of AA.

You've got your hands full and your work ahead of you. This can be done but you've got to make up your mind, that you're gonna stick to your guns. When it comes down to the harsh reality of it all, you've got nothing to lose but so much to gain. You have a right to be happy. But you must realize that it won't go away on it's own. It looks to me, like you need to make the first move here, dig in and say that you have had enough. You let him know that you don't like who he's become and you want your husband back. You must let him know that he has a problem, he must admit to. If he admits to it, seeks help and does what he can to work this, you'll stand by his side till the bitter end. make sure you mention to him, that he needs to be honest with himself. Right now, he's living a lie and no it's not manly to make an ass out of yourself, treat your family like crap and hurt your wife, in the name of, "I work 40 hours a week and I deserve to drink and fish," so on and so forth. Yea, some men can do this and it doesn't cause problems. More often than not, alcohol has the ability to kill, break up marriages, ruin friendships and eventually, you lose your dignity, not to mention the respect you've lost from family and friends.

Make the decision, to take this disease on. Decide that you deserve to be happy, as well, so do your children. Begin to plant seeds.

Let him know that you love him enough to say stop. You love him enough to stick by him, if he chooses to get help. Most of all, you love him enough to bring it all to his attention, hope he gets help and begins to heal, instead of just writing him off, as half a man, with an incurable disease.

I pray that your healing begins. Please keep us updated.

Alcoholics Anonymous

12 Steps of AA

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.