Sunday, September 30, 2007

Nothing Changes Unless You Change It...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

I am 27 years old. I am the mother of three kids. Their dad and me have not been separated a year and we are almost fully divorced. He has changed a lot since I left him. Every night I cry because I miss him and I love him. I did not like who he became when we were together. He was mean, abusive, and was addicted to the internet. I really really miss him. With everything he did to me it doesn’t matter right now. I am feeling as if I want to get back together with him, but I know for sure my family would basically disown me. Him and I have both spent a lot of money with a custody battle and divorce and pfa hearings and the such. I have not even talked to him about this. I do not know what to do. Part of me is saying to be with him another part is saying no. Please I just need some advice from someone that is not emotionally involved in this situation.


Dear Friend,

Far be it from me, to discourage you from affairs of the heart. I think you'll have to weigh things out carefully and then own the situation.

You've not told me, if this divorce is amicable, meaning did your husband want it too? Was this your design?

I can understand your family's feelings. It is a protective stance and I'm sure you understand how they feel. However, you must do the right thing for you and you alone. Therefore, you must look at things, trying to put your feelings and emotions, to the side...

Most men that are violent, without behavioral modification and therapy, do and will continue to behave in a violent manner. That's almost guaranteed. It's what they know and how they deal. That's not to say that he could not, after getting into a treatment setting, change his approach to life on life's terms. They do have Anger Management courses, geared specifically, to those that use violence as an outlet for emotion. But just like an addict, you must admit you have a problem, before you seek help, rather before that understanding can sink in. Often times, just going to jail, does not make the man deal with the raw emotion, as it really is. And just like an addict these violent guys need to hit some sort of bottom, in order for them to understand the ramifications of their behavior.

Off the record, if I had my way, men that are violent would be taught how it feels by being beat down, by someone bigger than themselves. Then, they might understand just how appalling it really is. In my perfect world, they'd know first hand, the fear, pain and degradation of a real beat down.

In case you didn't know it, I was in a abusive relationship for too many years, myself. It is only now, that I have some semblance of clarity and am able to look at it all with some sort of understanding. It took years to understand the nature of the beast, all it's components and to understand my own part in the co-dependent relationship. Yes, you must look at your own role in allowing this to go on. You must own it and rise above it.

I suggest you begin to look online, at all you can, concerning Co-Dependency and Abuse. The more you understand what factors into this type of relationship, the more tools you will have to deal with it. You must built a sturdy tool belt, of life changing skills and tools. Yes, you must study this, take it as seriously, as it really is and look for healing within it. The more you learn about it all, the more empowered you will become.

As I said, you must look at your primary role in what happened, within your relationship. More importantly, you've got to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You've got to stop being a "Victim," and become empowered by it. It's not about assigning blame, it's about you taking back control, within and of what you can, could and will have control of. This is a study in and of your life. Yes, you can work through this, you are not alone and you're not the only one who's gone through this. The numbers do not even reflect the true nature of this centuries old epidemic but it's no longer taboo to talk about it and it's no longer something you must be ashamed of.

My suggestion is for you to begin to assess your situation first. Read as much as you can on this scenario; this cycle of abuse and co-dependency. Then, you may be able to approach your husband, concerning him getting counseling. If he wants to be with you, he's got to realize he has a problem and begin to deal with it. Most men, know it's monstrous behavior, they're usually sorry, after the fact but can't control it. This is where counseling can help. It can give them tools too and better equip them to handle their anger before it gets out of hand.

Please, if only for yourself, research this and possibly seek help. Then maybe, allow yourself to heal before you make any rash decisions. You see, my Dear, nothing changes, unless you change it.

Overview of codependency
  1. What is codependency? What's the definition?
  2. How do I know if I’m codependent?
  3. Isn’t everyone codependent?
  4. Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
  5. Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
  6. How can counseling help?


Co-Dependency Links;

Co-Dependency; The Problem

Mental Health America

The Skeptic's Dictionary

1 comment:

Jen said...

I wanted to let you know, yes he did want the divorce as well but it might have been more out of anger then anything because of me taking our kids away from him. We now live 4 hours apart and all. He is seeking counseling and such and I think that going through what he did has really changed him and the counseling helps as well. Right now I do not think it is anger managment, I think he is seeking the counseling through his church. He knows what our problem was and realizes what he did and such and has admitted to having these issues, so it is not like he is in denial or anything. I wanted to thank you very much for your response and it makes a lot of sense. It has been something I have been thinking about for awhile just would not admit to it. I didnt want to think at first that I could want to be back with him but it is truely how I feel, but I guess only time will tell what happens and all.