Sunday, September 30, 2007

Forgiveness Street

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,
Hey, I really dont know what to do i'm so stuck. The thing is I have split up with my boyfriend of 5 years a few days ago. What happened is he got into my email account and read all the messages that I sent my friend Samantha. on the emails i was talking about some guy that I know and how I had been to his parties (cos he is in a band), i said things like I was imagining what it would be like bein with him and stuff. So when my boyfriend see all the chats n emails he finished with me. He did it cos I wasnt honest about what i was doing and where I was going, and the fact that I was seeing this guy there. There is nothing going on between me n that guy at all we are just friends n he knows cos I have told him that I had boyfriend, Plus i only see this guy once but my boyfriend is going off like we was having some big affair or somethin.I can understand him being upset cos this is not the first time that we have split up over this but i do think he is overreacting, cos nothin was going on. Not only that my boyfriend sometimes ignores me, when i'm at his house he will act like i'm invisible, and sometimes we dont see each other for week n he only lives like half hour away on the bus from my house, n when I ask him about it he says 'I'm not 12years old I can go a week without seeing you' n when I tell him that i feel sad that he ignores me he says things like 'This is me, this is who I am, if you dont like it find someone else'. So thats the reason that I had been talking about the other guy to my friend, I mean its not like I wanted to be with this other guy or anythin i was just upset with my man so I craved the attention of that my man wasnt giving me. Wrong I know but my man made me feel so unappreciated. I cried like every night cos i didnt feel good enough for him and i had started to hate myself. I didnt even like the other guy that much, and I really dont know why i went to the parties, I wish I could turn back time and change it but I cant. I really dont know what to do to make things right with my man, cos I didnt do anythin with the other guy and I really love my man, its just I know that it will take him time to trust me again. I am scared though cos he has told me that he never wants to see me again and that I shouldnt be asking for him to forgive me cos I dont deserve another chance. But I really love him and wanna be with him so bad. How can I get him to trust me again? x

Dear Friend,

Well. To be honest it sounds like this is a good thing that you two broke up. Sounds to me like he doesn’t appreciate you, and that you do find other outlets to satisfy yourself. Regardless on if anything happened or not, You were definitely not in this relationship emotionally.. and that is apparent from the e-mails you wrote to your friend. You wanted someone who would take notice of you, and be with you the way that you need to be needed. And there is no crime in that. But it does make for some mess when you are in a relationship.

There is an obvious lack of trust here too. I mean, my husband doesn’t go through my e-mails because he knows that is my space of freedom. It is not his, and it is very personal. Makes no matter to him what I am writing in my e-mails because he trusts me. And that is how that should be. When a partner starts looking through your personal things like that, they are deliberately looking for something…. And if they find what they are looking for they feel justified in the disregard for your privacy. Some may think that this is totally unacceptable; others will say that it is a necessity for truth. But either way you look at it… he wouldn’t be in there if he didn’t think that you weren’t being honest with him in the first place. Not that it makes it all right to snoop… but sounds like you were giving him some reasons.

Think about this for a minute. If you were actually sending him signals of being unhappy… of wanting another man. You may have never said a word, but those who know us well can tell the difference between what is really going on without words.

The fact that you were talking to Samantha about this other guy is haphazard at best. All of us are human, and we all have silly dreams about makin’ whoopee with some other person. But the part that was the problem was that you were lying to your boyfriend about seeing this guy, and having sexual desires for him. That is the line that he decided he couldn’t let you cross. And if you have been unfaithful in the past (as was implied from the one part of your letter) then it is really quite likely that this ex-boyfriend has had it and won’t want anything to do with you. You can only be burned so many times.

Seriously though, If you really do want to try and get back together with this guy, you need to check your pride at the door and ask him if he would be willing to seek counseling. I say this because there is a lot in play here with you two: unfaithfulness, lack of trust, disrespect of boundaries, lies, lack of appreciation, and likely a very big tear to your friendship. You will both need to lay out all the issues that you have, no holds bared and just get into what you love and what you need from each other to make things work like a relationship should. You will need to ask him for forgiveness, and you will have to forgive him for all in the past as well if you ever intend on moving forwards.

I have seen relationships that were worse then this get back into the good relationship status.. but it takes full co-operation and intent from both parties to make it work. Maybe right now the guy needs to cool off and think about what is good for him too. And if that is the case, and you really want to make a go of this again, tell him that you will wait for him to gain his own clarity if he can honestly say that he might want to try again. And if he says he does, but he needs some time, then give it to him. Don’t mess around, and be diligent about respecting his feelings and your own. If he says that he doesn’t.. then consider this a lesson in life that you would care not to repeat and move on.

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