Saturday, September 1, 2007

License to Disrespect

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,
My name is Sarah, My sister is a year and a few month older than me. Growing up we have been close and distant due to so many family problems. Either my sister left home, or went to university, and when she returned I was at university etc etc, so we have not spent our entire lives at each others sides. However due to the so many problems it has created a level of trust and a bond between us.
My sister is 23 and I am 21. She has serious anger issues and is known for her moody ways, if something doesnt go her way she will wail and scream, but she is fair at heart. She has just got married, and it hurt me to let go of her, thinking that maybe this is the start of another beginning for us.
My sister always thinks she knows best, always shouts at me, and the guy she married takes her side and its as if they both gang up on me. When its nothing to do with him. She recently called me a bad sister, saying that i have never been there for her, and the only time she hears from me is when i have problems...........................being so untrue i was so hurt i didnt bother responding.
I have given her countless amounts of money, and try my best to be there for her but it seems she is never happy. On her wedding day i tried to help with all the arrangements but when i try and help she has such a specific way of how things are done she doesn't want my help. So i cant win either way. I was trying to add some accessories to her, and when i couldn't do it she stormed out in her dress in a tantrum saying can nobody do anything for me!!! its my wedding day!!! i have to do everything myself!!! bearing in mind i am not to sure as to the in's and out's of a wedding..this was my first.
she can be so loving but at the same time so nasty, i don't confide in her anymore now as she has blatantly said she doesn't want to know my problems. its so unfair as when we were younger all i did was listen to her.......i always described it as 'i would hold her hairspray, mirror and accessories as she would walk around' if she wasn't happy with the way she looked......she would be in a mood. everything revolved around her.
i love her so so much, i guess just knowing that we are ok makes me feel a peace but she makes me so miserable sometimes, and that i am at fault. she is on her honeymoon now, and has text me no hi or hello just 'where is my makeup!!!!! i need it!!' and yet i offered to help pack her things but she blew up and refused.....
please please can you help me?????

Dear Sarah,

It sounds to me, like big Sister needs to be spanked. She is behaving like a selfish Princess. Sorry to say, quite often, it is very difficult to make someone of that caliber, see the light. If they were able to look in the mirror and see themselves, as they truly are and as they behave, they'd have already changed that behavior.

There are a few things, you can do though, if nothing else, to empower yourself. For starters, do not tolerate her speaking down to you. At the start of it, you calmly inform her, that you will not be spoken to, in that manner or fashion. You inform her that you will not be treated any other way, than she's willing to be treated. Watch the look on her face, once you've stated your demand.

I like that you are able to see her good qualities, even in your hurt and anger. This shows me that you are able to put things into perspective, you are able to try to be unbiased and see her good side, as well as the bad. Sounds to me, like you have the ability to be fair and just. Maybe your sis, needs some "Just" tough love.

Write Her A Letter

I would start by writing her a letter, one she'll receive, upon her return. In that letter, you let her know, you are able to see her good qualities. At the start of the letter, you make sure she knows that you have her best interest, at heart and you are writing this letter, simply because, you want your relationship, to be the best it can be. You tell her that, while you realize that you have family obligation to her, as a sister and you will always love her, right now, she's left a real bad taste in your mouth. In fact, while you will always love her,
at the moment, you don't like her too much. You then tell her, the reason for this letter, is to change this.

You must make her aware that, first off, when you two do have a heated discussion or argument, her husband has absolutely no business sticking his nose in it. You tell her, you will no longer tolerate him, in family business. Tell her why; he is not able to be unbiased, will always side with her no matter what and between sisters, it's simply none of his business. He needs to back up and mind his P's & Q's.

Secondly, you will never again tolerate her speaking to you, as she has. You give her an ultimatum; Be respectful or keep your mouth shut. She will treat you, like she would treat anyone else, outside the family. She thinks because you are family, that it gives her license to disrespect you. Take that license back and simply put, you will not allow it. If she continues to have these outbursts of immature behavior, when she doesn't get her way, you will not speak to her, until such time as she sees just how ridiculous, that behavior is. Let her know that she's done it for the last time. Tell her also that while you realize, she was under duress, she has no business talking to you, as she did, has and you have grown quite weary of her inconsiderate words.

Let her know, in this letter, that you hope and pray, that she will look at all this, look in the mirror and ask herself, if she would allow others to treat her, as she treats you?

I have a little Sister, a Princess too. Every now and again, I have to let her know that I am not going to tolerate any disrespect. She will not take her bad days out on me, she will not disrespect me and if she wants me, to treat her with respect, I will command it, myself.

See, I think your sis, has been allowed to get away with the behavior, for far too long. I dare say, that it is your choice to allow it, huh? This is typical, what they call, "Passive," and quite often, there are people that do take advantage of passive people. Thus far, in your brief letter, you have proven the premise. But I only know all this because I was and still be, "Passive-Aggressive." Now, that's a clinical term but in my world, it means that, I have not been assertive and stated my needs or requirements, in any relationship. In the past, those that might prey upon the passive, had taken advantage of me. Then, all of a sudden, I would burst into flames, go crazy and let them have it. Of course, they thought I was crazy, I may very well be. But if I allowed it and let it go on, of course, they thought it was ok to talk to me any kind of way or to hurt my feelings. They'd have complete disregard, for my pain, in the process and completely disrespect me. I allowed it, all along. Then, once I was fed up and had had enough, I got evil and told them off with a vengeance.

You must learn to be assertive. You must learn, for your own well being, happiness and health, to never tolerate what is not right. Thus far, you've stuffed it all and become pissed off and resentful. You harbor animosity and suffer in silence. Are you a martyr? I think not. Note, they can only do this, if you allow it. I had to learn to stop playing the martyr, step up to bat and say, "STOP," loud and clear.

I'd like you to make a pact with yourself, that from this point on, you will no longer tolerate abuse from your sister or anyone, for that matter. You may have to play hardball with her, for a minute. You may have to actually tell her, just how immature, she's behaving and that you want nothing more to do with it. Now, if you tell her she's behaving like a child, she'll have to look at it. One of two things will happen; She'll really look at the scenario, as a whole and/or, she'll get real pissed off. I'm betting on #2 and you can bet your bippy, it may not be pretty. You've got to be willing to stand your ground, if you really want things to change.

Take that license to disrespect, away from her. Write the letter today.

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