Dear Aunt B,
I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 yrs old and I am 8 months pregnant. I caught my husband on the internet looking at porn sites and it totally devastated me. I dont understand what you can get out of looking at pictures. This made me feel real insecure, I feel like is that what he wants because I sure dont look like those girls on the site. And if that is what he wanted why did he marry me? I asked him why and he just says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he'll never do it again, But it isnt the first time this has happened and I dont know how to deal with it, It has really put me in a depression. Everytime I see I pretty girl I hate her, I feel like she is ruining my marriage even though I know she isnt and I hate feeling this way. Please Help me....
You're not alone, when it comes to your man looking at porn, just to let you know. A lot of men/husbands look and watch. I was and felt the same way. As well, I do believe there's a larger group of us, who just don't care for our men looking/ogling at porn.
Recently, I had a friend who's husband went to a Strip Club with all his buddies. She was 8 months pregnant and I'm sure you can relate to all that she told me, as to how she felt. I spoke with her at length, to get to the bottom of it all.
For starters, when we are pregnant, we don't often feel that glow, people say we have. You get to a point, where you feel more like a beached whale, than a woman having a baby. You're already feeling vulnerable, concerning your own appearance. You get to a point where you no longer feel sexy, much less desirable. So, how can you compete with those young girls with their perky breasts and high -n- tight tiny hiney? You begin to view those girls that dress rather teasingly as your own demise, a threat, those little sluts, huh? Well, again, you are not alone.
Even those of us, who aren't pregnant, feel the sting of the scantily clad. Those girls are not representative of what's real, you know the ones in the magazines and porns. The girls in the porno mags are airbrushed, as well, in the movies, they can digitally make them next to perfect. No one can compete with that. No one.
It's a double edged sword, this so called equality, we have as women. We fought for all the wrong things, we really did and in this sexual revolution, ushered in, in the 70's, we've gone from bad to worse. Why do I say this?
In an age where women are getting all this plastic surgery, it puts undue pressure on those of us, that are, "a la natural." Once again, we can't compete with that which is fake.Unfortunately, this mind set and behavior will continue, until we, as women change it. I don't see it happening, anytime soon. But what can you do about you?
I think hubby needs a little dose of perspective. He needs to understand how it feels, to be in your shoes. I assume you two, planned this child together? It takes two to Tango, does it not? He must pull his weight, in every way possible. But in order for you to get this from him, you must take away any resentment.
I've always said, "Men are just boys in big clothing." Now, I am not a feminist and it's never been, "I am woman, hear me roar," either. But men and women are different and quite often, it comes down to making your man understand, just what's what. I won't call it training but coaxing. Your hubby needs to be coaxed to do right by you.
They sell porn, it's on the Internet, it's just about everywhere you turn. There is a demand for it, or they'd gone out of business, a long time ago, right? So hubby sees that all the other guys are looking, why can't he? I'll bet he's thinking this, right now. He needs perspective, coaxing so he can let go of that resentment. Yes, it's there, guaranteed.
What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander
He must try to understand, how you feel right now. I'm quite sure, he tells you he loves you, every day, huh? But there is a difference between love and desire. He would probably tell you that he desires you too, right? But you don't feel very desirable right now and he could tell you, till he's blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Now, this is not his fault, that you don't feel desirable, now is it? But it's a fact of life, a rite of passage, for a mother. Things change, the variables change, your body changes. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever be or feel the same. You must adapt but that does not mean you must bow down to what you dislike or find offensive.
A Dose of Perspective
You must put all this, in terms your man will understand. You must help him to feel what you are feeling. Try to explain to him, calmly, what it is like, when you feel like a baby making machine, then a Mom and not the young and desirable woman, he once lusted for. Don't lecture him. No, we must make him understand but put the resentment aside. You will both become resentful, if you can't calmly allow him to feel what you are feeling. You must make him understand how it would feel if he caught you looking at porn.
How would he feel, if he purposely had to gain weight? Would the girls look at him? What if he shaved his head? I mean some guys can sport that look, while others look absurd. But I say this for a reason; how would he feel about himself, if through no fault of his own, he was suddenly fat and bald? I mean like, he wakes up one morn and then, he looks in the mirror and he sees himself and thinks, "Eeeeeew!" He then walks in, feeling less than and you are watching some built guy, bulging with muscles with a big, you know what (bigger than his) and it's very apparent that you are purposely looking at it. It wasn't an accident, you went to that site, for a reason. How would he feel? No you didn't fool around but it feels like you might as well have cause he feels betrayed. He feels like he doesn't trip your trigger anymore cause if he did, why in hell would you feel the need to look at that? So, now he's standing there feeling like you must not love him anymore and at the very least, he's not desirable? You must make him understand.
Flip The Coin
The other half of our realization here, is that if we don't want our man to shop at another store, we must know the nature of the beast and embrace the facts. Men are hardwired differently than women. They think about sex more, this is a statistical fact, I'm sure you could bear witness? What the hell are you saying, Babz?
I'm telling you to always be aware of the fact that, your man is an animal and you must feed the animal. You may have to work at it. You may have to give a little more of yourself. Don't just get pissed off at him, look at his nature and try to understand it. Yes, he's a Lion, capable of being savage. It was a savage act, for him to look at the porn but just like a lion eats raw red meat, raw feelings are there and you must understand this. You must know how to master the Beast.
You will not be pregnant forever. These feelings of inadequacy will subside and you will begin to feel like your old self. Right now, I'm sure you're Hyper-Sensitive to the subject and the impact of it all cuts a bit deeper. I have the feeling that you don't care for him, looking at porn in the first place but right now, is sure as hell, not a choice time for him to make that mistake. Put the shoe, on the other foot for him and make him see.
At the same time, you guys have been married 14 years. I imagine that you had some magic/chemistry there. Ask yourself, if you quit working at the marriage? Did you take things for granted? I mean he needs to ask himself the same question. I am not pointing the finger at either of you. I am simply saying that, although you can love each other, is the lust and desire gone? He'll deny it, ya know. But there are things, you can do, to keep him coming back for more.
As I said before, you're almost done with the pregnancy thing. This sensitivity may subside a bit but, I feel you must come to grips with who you are and where you want to be. No, you'll never be the young woman you once were. You could make yourself sick, just thinking about it. I went through this myself and I know how you feel. It's enough to piss off a preacher, when you see some young girl, walking around with the top of her thong, clearly showing, purposely sticking out of her pants or sweats or whatever. Yea, your husband is going to look and yea, he might even think it's sexy. Facts of Life.
You can't change how he thinks, even if he looks. You can control, if he acts upon things. Put it into perspective, as to how it feels, for you, especially right now. But do your part to keep him thinking about you. Do your part to blow his mind and trip his trigger. Yes, men have fantasies but if what you're doing is real, he'll think about that first. Go that extra distance to be a dirty girl, in bed. Take control and pretend you're at the rodeo. Ride 'em Cowgirl!