Saturday, September 22, 2007

Tame the Blame & Shame Game

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,
My husband has been divorced for six years. We will be married 3
years this month, second marriage for both of us. I have never met
his ex-wife as we life in different states. In three weeks we will
be attending a wedding and my husband's ex-wife will be there. Last
week my husband mentioned that he does not want me to wear my diamond
ring or the expensive watch that he gave me as a gift. He said that
it might hurt her feelings if she saw them. I agreed to his request
as I have the "disease to please" and didn't want to disappoint him.
After thinking about it his possible motives for asking this of me
are more disturbing than the thought of not wearing the watch and
ring. I have been having an inter-dialogue with myself constantly
about his request. I guess you could call it obsessing. I go back
and forth to being outraged that he would bring this up, to "do I
want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" I haven't made an issue
about this and I'm wondering if I should after agreeing to it in the
first place.
Two years ago he had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-wife and her
parents. Weeks before the dinner she asked my husband to pretend that
they were still married. She said that since her parents are elderly
she didn't think they would cope well with her divorce. She kept
this charade up until a few months ago when she finally told them.
They were ok with it and totally supportive. This makes me believe
that she used her parents as the excuse for not telling them about
her divorce because she couldn't handle it. It was all about her,
not them. And my husband willingly went along with it.
My husband assures me that he does not have feelings for her, and
that he loves me, but he still caters to her stupid requests and is
proactive in protecting her feelings. I think he feels guilty about
asking her for a divorce, and his motivation is driven by guilt. He
has made his problem my problem.
Should I be concerned about my husband's need to protect his ex-
wife's feelings? What is wrong with me? Why do I go along with the
manipulation and charades?
Your valued opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Friend,

Well, right from Jump St., I'll tell you, it wouldn't sit well with me either. None of it.

While flaunting expensive jewelry is distasteful, in the first place, I guess it's the principal behind it. Being kind and considerate, amicable and caring, towards his ex, is one thing, hiding the celebration of your love, is another story. Is it possible that he has over looked that the gift, you received from him, was just that;
A celebration, a sign of his deep love, devotion and affection for you?

There are always two sides to every coin. There are three sides to every story too; Yours, His and the Facts The facts in this case, show that he has, for whatever reason, not moved on, in the sense that he stands against the world, that you two are married, happy and his past is just that; His Past.

I think it's time to take that old Duct Tape, off his old marriage. Yes, that good ol' 90 mph tape has held him in place, even if he didn't realize it. I don't get the feeling that he does this with animosity. No, in fact, I think your hubby, is a pretty nice guy. I also feel his ex wife, takes advantage of his good nature and plays him. Then, if you say anything about it, you'd feel guilty, possessive, needy, jealous and I could go on but I think you get the point, right?

My suggestion, first and foremost, is that you have him read this...

How would he feel if your ex husband, required the same from you? How would he feel, if you asked him to let you go, to dinner, on a major holiday, with your ex husband? How would he feel, if you spent Thanksgiving, playing the loving married couple, with your ex? How would he feel, if you asked him to pretend, that a trinket, a sign of your love, should not be worn, in front of your ex, cause dammit, what would he think? What? He might get the impression, that you love him more than you loved your ex?

I'm sorry but I think he's asked a little too much and been a little too accommodating, in respect to his ex wife. In all due reality, what she thinks should not matter and in all due respect, I'd want her to know that you are both happy, loved and care enough to give of that love.

Yes, it comes down to the principle of the matter. The heart of the matter is the affairs of the heart and he has got to look in the mirror and ask himself, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel? He has not been fair to you and it is not fair of him, to ask you to not show that expression of love, for the sake of his ex wife. I have one question; Really, why do you care what she thinks? Take that duct tape off and step into your marriage, your current marriage. Stand up to her, hubby and be the husband, you were meant to be, with your wife. I doubt your vows, spoken, hopefully in truth and love, said to always love, honor and obey, your ex wife, now did they?

Have your husband read this. I know as a man, he may not care for you bringing your business elsewhere? But I do not know you, nor will I ever know you. No harm, no foul. This actually pisses me off, I can't pretend it doesn't and I only have one question for your husband;

How long will you allow yourself, to be held hostage, duct taped to your ex wife, before you wake up and realize that she knows what she's doing and does it for a reason. It's time to play the, "Tame the Blame and Shame Game." Let her go, let yourself, truly commit to your wife and be a true husband, heart and soul. Never expect from your wife, what you would not be willing to do yourself. It's time to let go of the guilt, your ex so fondly throws in your lap.

I'd want to wear the ring and watch proudly. Is he ashamed of your love? It's high time, to play to win. Now, just for shitz -n-giggles, wear matching t-shirts.
(Just kidding)

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