On Top of the Program

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world, but i keep thinking he's flirting with my best friend and my best is slowly flirting with him! i really like him and want to keep him for everrrrrrrrrr! So what shall i do i soooooooo want to keep him for ever hes soooooooooo cute!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

From troubled lover

Dear Troubled Lover,

Well, you've not given me too much to go on but this is surely a classic case. It's also nothing I've not seen before, nor is it anything I've not experienced myself. I'd be willing to bet, this happens all the time, to countless couples, friends and so on. But it can be fixable, just as Soulseer says, "All things, in life, are fixable."

I can tell that you are young and ask you to pay attention, to what I write to you. Life lessons, my Dear, I will tell you things, you may carry all your life, ok?

It's no big secret, that guys are hardwired differently than we are. They think about sex, all the time, a constant, the younger they are. It's also no big secret than men are more apt to fool around, that's a statistical fact, unfortunately. Having said this, you have to remember to be smarter than the average girl/woman.

This guy may not be Mr. Right, the man you will marry but if he is or isn't, you can apply what I write you to this and future relationships, ok?

Trust is the biggest factor, in any relationship. While you may trust your man, you never feed him to the Lioness', you never look the other way and you never believe it won't happen to you or your man is exempt from the urges of temptation.

You'll make yourself sick, if you allow it to run you but you just have to be on top of the game. For the guys that like to place themselves into situations where they may be tempted, i.e. going to bars, strip clubs, frat parties, beach parties, etc., where you are not present, they are certainly placing themselves in the line of fire. When and if they add the factor of drinking/drugs, their inhibitions and ability to abstain from temptation is almost always compromised. I'd be willing to bet that most guys, if and when they did fool around, would admit they were under the influence. They like to blame it on drinking, an excuse for their indiscretion.

While you can not stop them from doing what they want to do, you can make it very clear that what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander. You must always place them in your shoes, let them feel what you are feeling, when they go out and you don't know what they are really up to. I have rarely seen a guy who has the capability to really understand, until they themselves live it, what it's like for you to sit home, wondering what they are up to. Wonder and worry. So, sometimes, you must turn the tables and let them sit home and wonder if some guy is hitting on you. I hate to say it but often times, this is the only way they'll really get the gist of the emotions that go with this. I had to do this because my husband was always saying that he "needed" a night out with the guys. I'd sit home wondering what was really going on. After a few Saturday nights, home alone, I made the decision to put him in the hot seat. It changed his opinion about things as he sat wondering and waiting. Just an example.

While this may not apply to you, at this age and juncture of your life, it may, a few years from now and the concept, of placing them, in your shoes, rings true for everything.

You don't want to be perceived as a worry wart, possessive, jealous or accusing, I think you need only to put things into perspective for your guy. At first opportunity, you sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that's just too much, not to mention. Then, you have to spin things, just a bit. While it is not a lie, you must have a certain approach, as to how you lay all this out.

You tell him that you care so much about him but you're not stupid. Now, this is the important part; You tell him that you've noticed your friend, coming on to him and then you tell him, he's probably not even aware of it. See, by saying it, like this, you are not accusing him and he won't put up a wall of defense. You are shifting the blame on your girlfriend, that lil' hussy. I might add that she's not much of a friend, knowing that you care for him, so very much and flirting with him, right under your nose. Actually, it's pretty disrespectful and she's crossed that fine line between being friendly with your boyfriend and being out and out flirtatious.

"I will not be disrespected, in this manner and from this point on, I'll ask you to keep your distance from her, as she is not really my friend anymore."

My Dear, you do not need friends that will blatantly disrespect you, understand? You tell him this too. Friends don't flirt with the guy you care about, even if they are pretending to just be fooling around.

By saying all this to him but not accusing him, he will now see that you are on top of the program, you are not blind and you want nothing more to do with a friend that would throw a wrench in the works of your happy relationship. In turn, him knowing that you can see what's happening, he'll cool his heels, maybe keep his distance from her because he knows you know what's what. Yes, always be on top of the program, be one step ahead of the game.

The next step, is you go to this supposed girlfriend and you let her know that she has disrespected you by being overly flirtatious with your guy and you'd appreciate it, if she would stop as he's getting the wrong idea. Guys eat it up, when a girl flirts with them but it opens doors of opportunity that should not be open.

If you feel you can't approach this friend and tell her that she's done you wrong, which she has, you begin a plan of distancing yourself from her and especially when you are with your guy. Remember, with friends like her, who needs enema's?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

License to Disrespect

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My name is Sarah, My sister is a year and a few month older than me. Growing up we have been close and distant due to so many family problems. Either my sister left home, or went to university, and when she returned I was at university etc etc, so we have not spent our entire lives at each others sides. However due to the so many problems it has created a level of trust and a bond between us.

My sister is 23 and I am 21. She has serious anger issues and is known for her moody ways, if something doesnt go her way she will wail and scream, but she is fair at heart. She has just got married, and it hurt me to let go of her, thinking that maybe this is the start of another beginning for us.

My sister always thinks she knows best, always shouts at me, and the guy she married takes her side and its as if they both gang up on me. When its nothing to do with him. She recently called me a bad sister, saying that i have never been there for her, and the only time she hears from me is when i have problems...........................being so untrue i was so hurt i didnt bother responding.

I have given her countless amounts of money, and try my best to be there for her but it seems she is never happy. On her wedding day i tried to help with all the arrangements but when i try and help she has such a specific way of how things are done she doesn't want my help. So i cant win either way. I was trying to add some accessories to her, and when i couldn't do it she stormed out in her dress in a tantrum saying can nobody do anything for me!!! its my wedding day!!! i have to do everything myself!!! bearing in mind i am not to sure as to the in's and out's of a wedding..this was my first.

she can be so loving but at the same time so nasty, i don't confide in her anymore now as she has blatantly said she doesn't want to know my problems. its so unfair as when we were younger all i did was listen to her.......i always described it as 'i would hold her hairspray, mirror and accessories as she would walk around' if she wasn't happy with the way she looked......she would be in a mood. everything revolved around her.

i love her so so much, i guess just knowing that we are ok makes me feel a peace but she makes me so miserable sometimes, and that i am at fault. she is on her honeymoon now, and has text me no hi or hello just 'where is my makeup!!!!! i need it!!' and yet i offered to help pack her things but she blew up and refused.....

please please can you help me?????

Dear Sarah,

It sounds to me, like big Sister needs to be spanked. She is behaving like a selfish Princess. Sorry to say, quite often, it is very difficult to make someone of that caliber, see the light. If they were able to look in the mirror and see themselves, as they truly are and as they behave, they'd have already changed that behavior.

There are a few things, you can do though, if nothing else, to empower yourself. For starters, do not tolerate her speaking down to you. At the start of it, you calmly inform her, that you will not be spoken to, in that manner or fashion. You inform her that you will not be treated any other way, than she's willing to be treated. Watch the look on her face, once you've stated your demand.

I like that you are able to see her good qualities, even in your hurt and anger. This shows me that you are able to put things into perspective, you are able to try to be unbiased and see her good side, as well as the bad. Sounds to me, like you have the ability to be fair and just. Maybe your sis, needs some "Just" tough love.

Write Her A Letter

I would start by writing her a letter, one she'll receive, upon her return. In that letter, you let her know, you are able to see her good qualities. At the start of the letter, you make sure she knows that you have her best interest, at heart and you are writing this letter, simply because, you want your relationship, to be the best it can be. You tell her that, while you realize that you have family obligation to her, as a sister and you will always love her, right now, she's left a real bad taste in your mouth. In fact, while you will always love her, at the moment, you don't like her too much. You then tell her, the reason for this letter, is to change this.

You must make her aware that, first off, when you two do have a heated discussion or argument, her husband has absolutely no business sticking his nose in it. You tell her, you will no longer tolerate him, in family business. Tell her why; he is not able to be unbiased, will always side with her no matter what and between sisters, it's simply none of his business. He needs to back up and mind his P's & Q's.

Secondly, you will never again tolerate her speaking to you, as she has. You give her an ultimatum; Be respectful or keep your mouth shut. She will treat you, like she would treat anyone else, outside the family. She thinks because you are family, that it gives her license to disrespect you. Take that license back and simply put, you will not allow it. If she continues to have these outbursts of immature behavior, when she doesn't get her way, you will not speak to her, until such time as she sees just how ridiculous, that behavior is. Let her know that she's done it for the last time. Tell her also that while you realize, she was under duress, she has no business talking to you, as she did, has and you have grown quite weary of her inconsiderate words.

Let her know, in this letter, that you hope and pray, that she will look at all this, look in the mirror and ask herself, if she would allow others to treat her, as she treats you?

I have a little Sister, a Princess too. Every now and again, I have to let her know that I am not going to tolerate any disrespect. She will not take her bad days out on me, she will not disrespect me and if she wants me, to treat her with respect, I will command it, myself.

See, I think your sis, has been allowed to get away with the behavior, for far too long. I dare say, that it is your choice to allow it, huh? This is typical, what they call, "Passive," and quite often, there are people that do take advantage of passive people. Thus far, in your brief letter, you have proven the premise. But I only know all this because I was and still be, "Passive-Aggressive." Now, that's a clinical term but in my world, it means that, I have not been assertive and stated my needs or requirements, in any relationship. In the past, those that might prey upon the passive, had taken advantage of me. Then, all of a sudden, I would burst into flames, go crazy and let them have it. Of course, they thought I was crazy, I may very well be. But if I allowed it and let it go on, of course, they thought it was ok to talk to me any kind of way or to hurt my feelings. They'd have complete disregard, for my pain, in the process and completely disrespect me. I allowed it, all along. Then, once I was fed up and had had enough, I got evil and told them off with a vengeance.

You must learn to be assertive. You must learn, for your own well being, happiness and health, to never tolerate what is not right. Thus far, you've stuffed it all and become pissed off and resentful. You harbor animosity and suffer in silence. Are you a martyr? I think not. Note, they can only do this, if you allow it. I had to learn to stop playing the martyr, step up to bat and say, "STOP," loud and clear.

I'd like you to make a pact with yourself, that from this point on, you will no longer tolerate abuse from your sister or anyone, for that matter. You may have to play hardball with her, for a minute. You may have to actually tell her, just how immature, she's behaving and that you want nothing more to do with it. Now, if you tell her she's behaving like a child, she'll have to look at it. One of two things will happen; She'll really look at the scenario, as a whole and/or, she'll get real pissed off. I'm betting on #2 and you can bet your bippy, it may not be pretty. You've got to be willing to stand your ground, if you really want things to change.

Take that license to disrespect, away from her. Write the letter today.