Just Be A Friend

Dear Aunt Babz,

ok so i have two very good friends. I find out they both like the same person but don't know that the other one does. So they both told me not to tell anyone and they are both really good friends of mine. I can't tell them because that would make me seem not trustworthy but i don't want them to get their feelings hurt. What should i do?



Dear Reader,

This one is a no-brainer. Stay out of it completely. You are right, they have both trusted you that their confidence will be kept, so make sure you keep your word. I would however talk to each of them separately about not getting their hopes up too high, and that no matter what they are valued.

In the end, one or both of them will end up hurt, because regardless this person they like will only pick one or neither of them to date. So you know what is going to happen, you just have to prepare to be a good friend and be there for them.

I hope this all resolves itself right away though, as I know the burden you must be feeling to tell each friend the others secret, and it is not easy when you are afraid to hurt someone. But by telling them, they will each be mad that you broke their trust, and will likely become competitive (which is not a good situation either) and stick you in the middle of a fight.

Keep the confidence, and just be a friend.

Good Luck,


~Xmichra

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Nip It In the Bud

hello aunt b,

my boyfriend is always getting mad at me he thinks im cheating on him and every time i go out with my family he says that im going out with some other boy and it pains me to hear this cuz i don't want him to think that about me. i need to know if this sounds like he loves me or not?

sincerely,

broken hearted



Dear Broken Hearted,

Nip this behavior in the bud now or forever put up with it. OK, it's like this; he may have been burned in a past relationship? If he has, he needs to be reminded that you are not her. You need to express to him how badly this makes you feel, badly enough for you to write me, huh? If you've done nothing and given him no good reason not to trust you, then he needs to do one of two things; keep his baggage/trust issues to himself or give you at least the chance to prove him wrong.

Again, if you've never done anything to make him suspect, why is he treating you like this? You need to ask him? You also need to explain to him that it is not fair to you to be treated as he has. I warn you that most guys who act that this are very controlling. For him to act all weird even when you are going with your family, well, it's just not normal and he needs to look at his behavior.

Sit down and talk to him and find out exactly why he is so untrustworthy. But you must assert and make it very clear to him that you can not and you will not continue in a relationship where, for no good reason, he treats you as if you've done something wrong.

Now, here's the kicker; if you can not sit him down and talk to him about all this, if you are fearful that it will upset him if you mention it and if you feel that you can not talk to him and get to the bottom and the root of this whole situation...
you do not have a healthy relationship.

You must be able to talk about everything, including what his issues are that make him feel why he does. You must have trust in every relationship. If it is not there and you are being constantly accused, eventually, if it were me, I'd get real tired of defending myself and resentments would build.

Don't go another minute in a relationship and not make your feelings heard. See, trust is something we give as a gift to those we love. We trust them to love us, to be mindful of our feelings and emotions, we trust them to treat us as they'd want to be treated. We must give this gift freely and where there is no trust there in lies chaos, paranoia and pain.

Love and trust go hand in hand. You make sure you give him no reason to not trust you, like don't be flirtatious and don't place yourself in any situation that you would not want him to be in as well, i.e., going to a party or the beach, you know, any place you wouldn't want him to go without you.

If you go out with your family and you are doing nothing wrong, he's being weird and it's not right. Nip it in the bud!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


Hi Broken Hearted,

Your boyfriend gets mad at you because he thinks your cheating on him when you're not? Well he shouldn't be doing that, he definitely needs to learn to trust you. You should tell him he needs to learn to trust you. Honestly, I can't tell you if that sounds like he loves you or not. I don't know enough to say whether or not he loves you. He really shouldn't get mad at you based on what he thinks, especially because he's incorrect with what he thinks. I don't like that he gets mad at you over that though. I will tell you, to me it does not sound like he does not love you, it just sounds more like he has trust issues that he should work on. But I think that he just needs to learn to trust you, and not get mad, and you'll be good!

I hope I have helped you out, a little bit at least. I hope it all works out for you for the best.

mb3

Fooling Around Faux Paus

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 4 years. All these years we have had financial problems but somehow our love (thought it was) and understanding kept us together. We shared many things, we had same interests, we loved same things. We were almost perfect couple. We were also trying to have a baby. He had kids from previous marriage but we wanted ours. We had everything but in difficult financial situation. Our dreams and hope were our drive. I suffered a lot. Before I married him I used to live in another country, had successful career, secure life. I gave up of all of it for the sake of our love. I moved into his country and started a new life. I was supporting him in all his ventures but somehow we didn't have much success. He had to travel a lot, I had to stay at home alone. I cried many times but I was hoping it needs a little bit of sacrifice to have better future. I am not one of those jealous women checking on their husbands all the time. I was very flexible with my husband. I thought checking won't help it, if he wants to do something he'll do it. But I was so sure he would never cheat on me, exactly for the reason that we have been through that hardship sticking together, and that it even made our relationship stronger. It seemed we didn't have secrets. A year ago, he had to leave the country for some business. I joined him a month later and stayed there for another month. Things with business did not go well. I had to leave and go to my parents for a while. I came to my parents for a couple of weeks but stayed a year. That business was sensitive and he was hoping he'll make it. We put everything in stake for that. The time passed, I wanted to come and visit him at least but he was telling me just to wait for a bit longer as we were completely broke. I made a mistake. I suffered a lot and kept waiting. He was always busy but we were in touch all the time. He was telling me that he adores me and miss me like crazy and just to wait for this to finish. A year after I got a letter of his girlfriend telling me that they have been living together all this time. She sent me some of his letters to her telling her that he fell in love with her. My whole world went down. She said that she accidentally found out that he was married. I felt so betrayed, used.....taken advantage of. He tried to call me but I didn't want to talk to him. His family is devastated, everybody is and they try to reconcile us even though they condemn what he did. They want us to sit and talk. Anyway we will meet soon eventually and I feel.....very difficult to explain. He believes there is chance for us but I am not sure I can forgive. I try to understand why this happened and why to me, trying to analyze things but I guess I am not so good at that. I have only my pain at this moment. To leave or not, is it worth trying? Would I be able to trust him again?

My Dear Friend,

I really feel bad, that you have to endure this betrayal. I do believe I would feel the same way, you are currently feeling. On one hand, you want to forgive him, on the other, you could just spit in the wind and walk away, spit nails and never blink. Such mixed emotions.

Yes, it is the ultimate betrayal, to be told you are loved, only to be found that, that love has been split between yourself and another woman. My instincts tell me that your husband does love you. They further tell me, that he may not realize just how devastating this has been. You tend to hide it well, when I know it stands to kill you, if you can not work through it. You must work through this. Regardless of the outcome, you must seek healing.

Your healing, must come from within. Stop looking for rhyme or reason or indicators as to why, how or when. You will never find an explanation for your husbands poor choices. They were exactly that and somehow, you must rise above it and do whatever it takes, to not take it personally. I know that's a tall order but this is what's on your plate, so you must grasp the truth but put that truth in perspective, one which you may live with. What are you talking about Babz?

If it were me, the first thing, that would run through my head would be, why me and what did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Not enough sexual interaction? Am I not pretty enough? Is she a better woman than me? I could go on and on but I think you get the idea? You've been questioning just what or where you went wrong, huh?

Just in example, I'm sure you've seen the most beautiful celebrities in the world, break up, have affairs and they have been betrayed by their spouse or partner. Statistics show (Read Here)that men are more likely to fool around than women(more Statistics Here) but it's a fact of life, that we are not very good at following our marriage vows. Sadly enough, people are hurt by an infidel partner, every day of the week. This does not, by any means, excuse the behavior.

If there's one thing I loathe, more than anything else, I'd say it is a person who fools around. I have no respect for that individual, I feel it is the ultimate betrayal. They are the worst of the worst, bottom feeders and there's no excuse for it. I truly feel, if you are that unhappy, where you'll place yourself in harms way or even for those that say, "Well, it just happened," you need to assess your values and beliefs. Primarily, if we all were to live with the attitude, that we'll only do to others, what we'd allow done to ourselves, well, life would certainly be different.

Having said, all that, I want to point out that it is not your fault, not at all. You must embrace this fact, ok? You must realize that it is the fault of the individual who cheated and it is a clear indication, that person has problems. They may very well be or seem like an egomaniac but it is really a matter of low self-esteem, in most cases. They might need their ego fluffed or their manhood massaged, figuratively and literally. Eeeeeeeeew!

In some situations, they tell themselves that they meant no harm, things just happened and couldn't be helped. Bullshit! A strong man, honors his vows, his promises, his word. It is only a weak man, a liar, who does not say, when he is not happy. Maybe, he wasn't happy sexually? Still not your fault, especially if he didn't tell you that he was unhappy enough to think about getting out of the situation. A good man, could stand in a room full of nude woman and not make a move. His heart, his words and promises belong to someone else and he honors this, to and till death. So, what is my point, in all this?

You've got to look yourself, square in the eye and be honest. You've got to assess what relationship, if any, you have left. I do believe in forgiveness and I sure do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I do feel like you've got to lay it on the line; Get to the bottom, as to why and don't settle for any crap answer. Did he do it, because he became bored? Did he allow it to happen because he wasn't happy? Did he not realize how it would hurt? Does he understand that it is a low blow and he is lower than low, for his behavior? Does he or could he ever imagine what it would feel like, if you did this to him?

You must let him know, that if it is to ever work, he must understand that he will have to earn your trust and respect all over. He must be made aware that it is his fault, if he did not tell you that he was not happy. He needs to understand that he needs to look in the mirror and see himself and what he did, as it truly is;
Low Down -n- Dirty.

Although I would imagine, that you've been extremely hurt by all this, you have to make a pact with yourself that it is not your aim, to make him pay for his indiscretion. that is humbling, at best. At the very least, to forgive him will be difficult and it may be even harder to trust his emotions. But in order to do this, in order for him to truly be sorry, really remorseful, you'll have to project the image of what his actions have done. He's got to put on your shoes and imagine, just how devastated he'd be, if the exact thing happened to him. So, I feel, as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to paint a picture, one he can clearly see, of you, in the arms of another man, for months...all behind his back. He must understand his transgressions of infidelity and see that and be told that he has behaved like a liar and if nothing else, like a man that should not be respected. Yes, there was a time, when a man was as good as his word and marriage vows were seriously set in concrete. Maybe, he didn't realize all this?

If you do decide to talk to him, I would convey all this and you let him know that if he ever does it again, from that day forward, you will pray that justice is served upon him. You will pray fervently, that no good will come his way and he will learn the err of his ways. You won't have to lift a finger.

I guess this is a sore subject for me. But I do think that some men are under the impression or have been taught, somewhere along the line, that to fool around, is a faux paus but acceptable. If I had my way, they'd feel the burn for it. They'd realize just how hurtful it is. They'd learn that it is wormy, not manly.Real men are sure of themselves and do not need to have affairs.

If I were you, I'd make him read this. Tell him, if he wants to talk, he needs to read something. Print this out and hand it to him.

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I'm looking for some unbiased advice. I am 19 years old, engaged (he's 22)
and mother to 2 beautiful twins babies; a boy and a girl. I got pregnant
when I was 17 and a senior in highschool. My fiance and I, (we've been
engaged since October 2005) could not have been happier, but it was still
difficult for me, as happy as I was, I was still so young. Everything
throughout my pregnancy went well and on July 19th 2006 I gave birth to my
little munchkins. My man was right by my side the entire time, he wasn't
allowed to stay with me over night, but he was there till as late as they'd
let him stay and got there first thing in the morning. I had a c-section so
he helped me go to the bathroom and anything I needed afterwards. For a
month or so he helped out at home making bottles and such. I know it was a
hard adjustment especially for him. The babies are about to me 11 months
old, and my relationship with my fiance has deteriorated tremendously.
About 5 months ago he had lost his job and started collecting unemployment,
we've lived with my mother and things have been kind of tense because he
doesn't really do anything to help out around the house leaves his dishes
around and doesn't pick up after himself. But my mom tolerates it as do I,
because every little thing triggers a fight. And he rarely stays home to
help with the babies. Now I am home ALL day with 2 babies whom I love more
than anything in this universe, but after a while I need a break. He's
started back to school which is from 8am to like 12:30pm. He always goes to
his parents house afterwards or his making excuses why he can't be home.
All we ever do is fight and it's not all him. I snap at him for stupid
things and he snaps back, we are both stubborn fighters. I finally broke
down about a week ago and was ready to end our relationship, but I don't
want to throw away all of our good times and years for just a few months of
stress and turmoil.

I had happened to catch a glimpse of one of his messages on the computer and
it was to some girl he met over the internet that I went to school with
she's a year or 2 older than me. I am extremely jealous and so I got upset,
and he told me it was just because they knew the same people. Now I got
paranoid because I knew how bad we had been fighting and how much we've been
pushing each other away. We barely have sex and when we do it's like bam bam
done time to go to sleep. I started checking his text messages and call log
on his cell phone, as much as I didn't want to I couldn't help because being
home all day my mind wanders and I think WAY too much for my own good. So
I'm reading the text messages and he's telling her how we always fight and
how they should get together and hang out. I have a history of depression
so this sent me into a tailspin. I started crying at the drop of a hat. I
told him we have to talk. But he gets his guard up and gets nasty and
starts fighting with me. We talked and got everything out in the open. He
hasn't cheated on me, and says he NEVER would do that. Which I do believe
but like I said I am home all day and my mind gets the best of me, and I'm
glad that I found the messages because if I push him away enough than that
may drive him to the point of doing it. This past weekend he went to a wet
down and I let him go, because I usually get all bent out of shape when he
wants to go out because I RARELY get to go out myself, if I do it's with
him. I also hate when he goes cuz he never calls me and I never seem to
know if he's coming home or not. So we talked Friday he went to this thing
on Saturday. Now he normally would leave at like 9 am and say he has things
to do before he goes, but he actually stayed home until about 1 and we spent
the morning together. Then he called me 3 times that night, the last time
being to come pick him up. I did it because I told him to call me if he
needed a ride. He hangs out with this kid who is just a waste and is always
drinking and partying. I can't stand him but I let it go cuz as long as I
know my man is ok and coming home with me. We spent ALL of Sunday together,
and even cuddled that night. I'm trying to be very open with my feelings
and he's really bad at letting me know how he feels unless he's angry. But
I think he's trying to get our relationship back on track. Is that what it
seems like to you?? I just can't seem to get this pit out of my stomach, I
want to get our shit together because I am so in love with him really, and
we both just got so caught up in the stress that we drifted apart. I don't
think he would stick around if he really didn't want to try to make this
work. Am I wrong for feeling like he doesn't want to work it out with me
when he started talking to that other girl?? I want him to feel like he can
come and talk to me if he's feeling down and I don't want to be the reason
he doesn't want to come home. I want to spend the rest of my life with this
man. Everyone's telling me he needs to grow up quicker and take on
responsibility or I just need to leave and let him realize what he'll be
losing. I just really need to get over this jealousy and mistrust that I've
created in my head. It's driving me crazy. I don't really know what I'm
asking you to answer just seeking advice I guess on how to get the spark
back in our relationship, so he doesn't feel like he has to seek out other
girls.

I know this letter is all over the place, but that's how I feel right now my
emotions are out of control.
Thank you

Confused in Love.



Dear Confused in Love,

Do you feel, a bit like a yo-yo? I would and can completely understand how your emotions could run the gambit. I was 16, when I got pregnant with my first son, my husband was 22. We both thought we were so grown up and I most certainly thought he was. He did the same thing and went through Birthing classes with me, was there for his birth, cried and it was a wonderful moment in time. But it wasn't long after that, he went his merry way with his friends and so on and I stayed home, with our son. He was the one that wanted to get married, he is the one, who all along wanted to stay married. But he didn't want to work at it and he didn't realize his full responsibilty to his children.


I had two more sons and our relationship as man and wife, lasted nine years. I was sick of the partying and if I was going to be alone, I figured I might as well be completely alone. He was also very bossy and I had gone through this rite of passage, so I thought, from a girl to a woman and was not going to have some guy, who was barely there, tell me what to do.


I have regrets and of course, being able to look back, in retrospect. I wish I had handled it differently.I guess what I am saying is that, I want you to be able to work this out. Kicking him to the curb, is not the answer, although, I'm sure there are times, when you'd love to. So, what can we do? My youngest son, Waylon, just turned 26. We call him, "Johnny Appleseed," because he has fathered children with three women, already. His first child, Kassandra, will be 9 in August and he's not seen her since she was a toddler. It is partly his fault, that things are as they are but the child's mother, is a strong willed young woman and she grew tired of his shenanigans. Now, I'm sure, you didn't write me to get my life history. I tell you this because I can see a correlation and that, quite possibly, men are not as quick to realize their responsibilities as women. I say this because I can look back and see that quite often, a guy like my son and your fiance', grapple with settling down and fulfilling their obligations.

Believe it or not, a guy who is 22, doesn't really know what he wants out of life. He knows on one hand, that you are the best thing that ever walked into his life. I firmly believe he loves you, with all his heart. I also believe he knows what's good for him; You! I bet, if I asked him, who he loves, he would say you and the babies. But there is that side, that still fighting with the young and irresponsible side of himself. In one way, he wants it all, meaning you and the kids. On the other hand, it does have a trapping mechanism.

If you were to delve, deep into his mind, you'd probably find a bit of resentment and discontentment. He may never admit it but it's there. I would call him a liar, if he told me differently. But I must point out, that it is perfectly natural and many men, feel this throughout their lives. Women do too, at times. they'll stand in front of the mirror and wonder what happened to the girl they knew and the body that was once supple before childbirth. They'll even wonder what their lives might have been, had they not become pregnant, especially at an early age. That too, is natural. But we don't walk away from doing the right thing.

Men are more apt to have this crunch time, that period of questioning and our society has made it seem ok for a man to walk away from his family. Oh yea, we have our "Deadbeat Dad's" list but we do not scorn those that should be scorned, we accept it, don't we? Divorce rates continue to accumulate and we just swallow it. Sooooooooo Babz, what does all this mean to me?

Homework

I would love it, if you would read every post I've written, that has the tag, "Bitch Belt." See, I want you to have your man and happiness. I also welcome you to experience the rite of passage, from young girl to womanhood, becoming a good woman. I want you to become assertive and state your needs. I don't want you to fear, saying anything and you'd better grab that bull by the horns now or you never will. A good woman, who wears my Bitch Belt, is an assertive woman, who says what needs to be said, does what needs to be done and is fair, doing it. It is your approach, to your man, that makes all the difference. You must always respect him, if he respects you. If he doesn't you will make him. I don't want to use the word "training" and many men would be resentful, if they felt that their wife or girlfriend was trying to train them. So, we'll call it "schooling your man."

I'm sure that you've heard, "Behind every great man, is a great woman." Well, it's true and men are not born knowing it all, contrary to popular belief. No, we must school them in many departments, many aspects. They are not mind readers and often do not think as we do, nor as deeply as we do. This is why, you must state your needs. From, your love making to placing your dish in the dishwasher, men must be shown the way. But I'll say it again; it's all in the approach. If you show him respect, when you try to tell him something and do not come across as a nag, he may not put up the great wall of defense and just might hear, what you've said.

Often times, giving them, perspective on a situation, is the only answer. Most men, learn from a hands on approach If he's learning how to fix a car, he has to see it in action. They don't do well with manuals, per say or directions but what you show them, in action, will stick in their brain. Once again Babz, what in the hell are you talking about?

After you read this, you will already be a different woman. You will put on that designer Bitch Belt and become the woman, you were designed to be. You must also, face your fears. You have been sitting on your hands, biting your tongue and now, you have building resentment. I guarantee, he will continue to behave just as he has, unless you stop and face your fears.

There are several things, I noted, concerning your fears. For one, you have attempted to tell him things and how you feel but he starts a fight when you do. That is a real prize fighting tactic, hook n jive, side stepping the issue. he knows that you hate to fight. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, he comes back with a fighting stance. That's all it is and you will now see through it. You will also, not be afraid of it or afraid that you will run him off, if you do this right.

Clinical Perspective

Get up and look in the mirror. What do you see? You see an attractive young woman, do you not? Then, ask yourself; What does he see? He must respect you. You are many things to this man. You are the mother of his children, a noble cause. Rarely, do our men, see this on a daily basis. What they see, more often than not, is their wife/lover.

So, what will you do to be the best at that? You want him to continue to shop at your store, right? It takes work to make a relationship work, you must continually make him think, blow his mind, ok? It's not supposed to be, all about sex but men are hardwired, differently than women. During sex, don't let him wam bam thank ya ma'am ya. Do not fear his reaction, if you step out of yourself. Don't be the mother of twins, when you're in his bed, be a woman and demand his attention, take control, make him remember. You can do this, I know you can.

You must not nag. If you have something, that's bothering you, pick and choose your fight carefully. When and where you fight, is important. If you want to win, you must find the right time to bring things up. You tell him, you need to talk to him about some things that are bothering you. I am not telling you to tippy toe around him, dammit if somethings on your mind, you need to talk about it. And he needs to listen. You'll have to set the stage. Never ever fight in the bedroom. It must be a place of sanctuary, never filled with bad memories. Yes, it's only a room but if you can help it, never go there to discuss something that may be heated.

Put on your Bitch Belt...Ask him to sit down, when it's private and the kids are occupied. You tell him, there's a few things, even if they might seem petty, they are still bothersome. You tell him, you'd appreciate it, if he would talk with you and you do not want to argue. You say, that you are not accusing but simply letting him know how and where you stand. You then tell him, that when you bring up anything, he goes off about it and "that won't work." Now, you need to say it, just that way. You are not saying that it's not acceptable but you are stating fact. You are also taking control of the conversation and he will have to look at his behavior during discussion. You then tell him, that you want to have an adult conversation. You say this because, if he goes off, he is now aware that he is not the one having an adult conversation, right? If he gets cagey, at all during your conversation, you simply say, "I wanted to keep this on an adult level." See, you're not calling him childish but you are saying or making him painfully aware that he might not be behaving as an adult, right?

Grabbing the Bull

He must understand, his part, in what makes or breaks this relationship. But guys are different, as I said before, so you have to take a different approach.
First, you tell him, you respect him and that you can only envision being with him, for the rest of your life, that you love him and you want to trust him. Trust is paramount in any relationship. If you don't have it, you have nothing. trust is more than wondering if he's fooling around. It's trusting him with your heart and mind, emotions and your children. You tell him this and that you want to continue to respect him.
Then, you explain this simple premise; Women are given a 6th sense, an intuition. It is real enough, that it is even mentioned in the Bible, several times.
It is then, that you tell him, you do not want a response to what you are about to say. He does not need to retort or defend himself. You are making a statement, an important synopsis, as to how you feel, matter of fact;

I am not accusing you. But I am stating what and how I feel. I want you, from this day forward, to treat me, exactly as you want treated. If you do not want me to behave secretly and IM other men, you will not do it. If you do not want me running around, behaving with a single persons attitude and heart, you will not treat me, this way. The only thing that's separates us, from a legal marriage is a piece of paper. My heart is married to you. If you want me to continue to behave, as your wife, you must behave as my husband. If you want my continued respect, you must respect me and my feelings. You will not blow me or my feelings off, unless of course, you'd like me to treat you in the same respect.
If you are not happy, now or ever, you need to say so. Do not try to spare my feelings but be honest. I am not playing a game with your emotions and will not have mine played. You always have an out but you must be honest. If I no longer trip your trigger, you need only to tell me but do not fool around on me. You may not like the outcome. Now, I am a reasonable woman and I am not trying to pin you to marriage. But when a man comes home, sleeps in your bed and tells you he loves you and only you, you believe him and it is the same as a marriage. I don't need that paper right now to validate yours or my feelings but I need us to understand each other and our future. You're either in or your out and you must make up your mind. You can't have your cake and eat it too and run around one minute like your in a relationship and then the next minute, you're out and acting like you're not. Once again, I am not accusing you, I am stating how I feel. You must treat me with respect, if you want me to continue to respect you. It's that simple.

Face your fears or forever allow your life to be ruled by distrust. You could write it all down and give him the letter but make a stand. If you don't grab that bull by the horns now, you'll forever have a rough ride.

You Have To Play To Win

This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,

What do you do when you love a guy so much and want to only be with him but you don't trust him enough to be in a relationship with him? I had gotten close to this guy and I love him dearly and he asked me if I can trust him that he'll do right by me but I just don't because I barely hear from him because he had problems. What do I do?




Dear Friend,

Really, trust is the only thing we really have in a relationship. It is the foundation, without it, you stand to lose.

You have not stated what he did to cause you to not trust him. In actuality, it could be many things; from something he has done, to your own in general trust issues.

I have been burned. Nothing hurts worse than when you have put all your trust in one person and they throw it all away. If this is the case, where he has hurt you already, I'll say this;
You hand them a little at a time. If you were burned by him, he'll have to understand your apprehension. But you must make a choice to give it or walk away. He may be truly sorry for what he did and if he is, it is not fair to not forgive, now is it? Turn the tables and imagine that it was you, who hurt him. You are really sorry but he doesn't believe you. You try and try, you talk till your blue in the face but he just will not give you his trust again. So, you get fed up, you get defensive because that's what we do and you finally give up, walk away and tell him to go play with rocks, you are tired of telling him you are sorry. The sad part is that you were sincere, you loved him and you two would have made beautiful music together.

The other side of the scenario, may be your own issues. You may have been in a past relationship and that person burned you. It is all too clear to you that men are dogs, good for nothing and you will not have your heart stomped on again. Now, you've built this wall and they'll be damn hard pressed to even climb over it. They could be the nicest guy, with good intentions but oh hell no, they will not hurt you again. If this is the case, you have to realize that not all guys are dogs and not all are wolves in sheep's clothing. The third and final play I shall present, is the guy who takes forever to get himself together. You wait in the wings, you're bound by good intentions but he keeps pussyfootin' around. He can't seem to get his act together. There's always one thing or another. He's got problem after problem and each and every one, he uses to place a distance between you. He may not even realize he's doing it but he does it and you are getting tired of it. Rightfully so!

One thing I will point out to you and I suggest you have him read this. Every relationship is carved out of two things; Trust and Communication. Love is a big word, you obviously, do not give it freely? But you say you love him, right? Do you have a love for him, as I don't see you being, "In Love," with him and there is a difference. When you are in love, you do not throw that relationship on the back burner. No, it is that relationship, that person that you love, who stands beside you, weathers the storm with you and you work through it together. You trust each others emotions, meaning that you know when the shit hits the fan, that person won't turn and run. In a true relationship, that person threw on a pair of designer shit goggles and stood there with you, held your hand and did not allow one piece to be flung that they were not willing to wear, right along side of you. When the storm was over and you stood there covered in the remnants, the two of you talked about how hard that was, how much it really stank but you say, "Hey, that was a lot of shit, they flung but we got through it. That wasn't as bad with you by my side." Two heads are always better than one, right?

Communicating your thoughts and fears, words of consolation and strength, well that is the cornerstone of the relationship. You may not have had a relationship, if he put you on the back burner in the name of, "Hey, I got problems." So, you sat there and sat there while he worked it out. Then, he comes back and says, all is well, "let's dance" and you've been sitting so long, you'd finally figured out that it was not a relationship in the first place, really, only an acquaintance, a drive-by affair. I'd be a little pissed and not so willing to just say, "OK, here's my heart. Next time that shit hits the fan, I'll expect you to just run and you won't need me, right?"

If this guy was here right now, I'd just love to watch you tell him , I just will not stand for a drive-by romance, anymore. Either you are in or you are out, stop playing and stop faking the funk. I will not play any more games. Now, here's a gram of trust, you are not getting the ounce, until I see you will not run and hide with it in your pocket. When I see that this is a relationship and you don't use YOUR problems against me, then you'll get an ounce. Once we have a real relationship here and I can trust your emotions as well as you trust mine, you may get more. You do realize that I own a pair of... Dooce Gabbana Shit Goggles? If I never wear them, we are or never have been in a relationship.
If you want my trust, I only give it to those I am in a relationship with. Now, are we in a real relationship or are we just pretending here? Real relationships involve team work and there's no "I" in team, huh? If you want to do this all on your own, just say so but stop wasting my time.

Finally, handing someone your heart and your trust, is never easy. But it is your heart and your trust, so, you take control of it. You can give a bit at a time but you make it clear that it is reserved for a true relationship. You point out that real relationships are not just for or only when convenient. If he wants convenience, he needs to go down to the local store because that's not you. You take control and state your needs. If he can't fill that order, then he needs to go away, find someone who's an easy target. Once you have stated your needs and made things clear, "Hey, poop or get off the pot here," tell him, I'm not waiting any longer than I have, you have a problem and it's not me. It's him and he's using his problems to keep from even the slightest commitment. You just have to be on top of the program and not willing to continue. But I encourage you to try to give your trust but use the formula of stating exactly how things should be and you will not tolerate anything less. You wait and you watch for the tell tale signs that he is making excuses, using problems to keep from the smallest commitment.

Trust is never easily given, once you've been hurt. But you must learn to trust again. You have to make a conscience effort to never be stupid or not on top of the game, that's all. You take control of YOUR trust, it belongs to you. Now, start the game over but read him the rules. Put your trust in the pot, in the middle. Tell him, if he wants to earn that trust, it's so simple; You have to be in the game to win!

After reading my answer, the reader wrote with this further comment...

Dear Aunt B

Thank you for that advice because it taught me some things but I'm still

stuck. The thing is every time I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad and

says I complain too much because he's not ignoring me, he just has problems

and is too busy. He says he loves me and blah blah blah. I don't want to talk

to him about my feelings anymore because we always end up fighting. I love

him to death but I don't want to wait around for him because despite my

feelings for him, the reality is we are just friends and nothing more so I

can't really expect too much from him. What's the best way to go about this?

Girlfriend, it's time to cinch up your Bitch Belt and take control. Let me remind you, that if you do not, you are as stuck as you believe you are, that's it, that's all.
You have a right to your feelings, they are yours. He is being insensitive to act or portray your communicating them, as nagging. Are you trying to make more of the relationship than he's willing to give? If this is the problem, you may have to bow out gracefully but... not before you write down exactly how you feel and give it to him. I don't like that feeling, that you can't express, how you feel. This is paramount in any relationship whether it is even, your best friend. Ask yourself this; if he behaves this way, this early in the relationship or friendship or whatever you want to call it, how will he behave if you two do become serious? I mean really, in the first part of any relationship, there is usually a courting period. Somehow, you stepped over that period and waltzed right up to the end of a bad relationship.

Communication is the only thing a couple has and if you already feel stifled, you really need to assess that. It is not a good thing. You begin to shut down, you begin shut up and stuff your emotions. You are already setting into place a very passive stance and he knows it.

If you do decide to take the bull by the horns, I would write him a letter. I would tell him that you feel that you can't express your emotions and it is not nagging. (I'm sorry but nothing pisses me off more than when I am pouring out true feeling, only to be told I am nagging. I dislike that as much as someone mocking me, it makes my blood boil) You'd better nip it in the bud right now or forever be in that holding pattern. You tell him that you are not willing to be shut down,or be shooed off like a bug, any longer. These are your feelings and if he can not help you work through this, he really has nothing to offer. That last sentence, sums it up, doesn't it?

At this point in the game, what does he have to offer, other than a half assed relationship? He is only there for you, when and if it is convenient, so it seems? Now, don't get me wrong, I think you love him for a reason? He must have some good qualities or you'd probably have kicked him to the curb a while ago, right? I want you to ask yourself, what those qualities are and if they are worth fighting for? If they are; write the letter.

What do you stand to lose, if you make your feelings known and take a stance that you won't be pushed out any longer? I see a pattern of questioning your very relationship; is he just a good friend or are we in a "Couple's Relationship"? What would it hurt, for you to ask him that same question in your letter? Call his bluff and tell him, if he can't answer you, you no longer want this semblance of a relationship.

Right now, I think he has you all sewn up in this pretty little package of a girlfriend on demand. If you tolerate and continue to endure this behavior in the name of, "his problems" you will continue to be treated less than, what you deserve and yes, you do deserve better than this. I just so happen to know that you are a timid and caring woman, who sacrifices her own feelings for the sake of others. I want you to stop being a martyr, he does not deserve that and you do not deserve to live your life anything less than happy.

Somehow, I don't think he is doing this on purpose. No, I think he explains his behavior on having problems. But now he has projected those problems on you by denying you his affection, denying you healthy communique and and a lack of definition concerning your relationship. Every single one of those items, I just mentioned are the cornerstone of any relationship. You don't have this and it would not sit well with any normal person. Let me also point out that you are a normal person and you have not been unreasonable with him. You have been unreasonable for allowing this to go on.

Write the letter, stating your feelings, matter of fact. Ask him what really defines your relationship, together and let him know, if he can't give you that, you are going to say good-bye.
This is like letting your dog off the leash; if he's your dog, he won't run away, he will know where you stand and loyally stick by your side.

Into The Fire, Again? Oh, Hell No!

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Okay, I was engaged and living with a man. We split and I moved out. In the mean time we had been trying to work things out and salvage our relationship. I was under the impression that things were a little rocky but that we had actually made some progress. Then I find out from his room mate's girlfriend that he didn't come home one Friday night. She assumed he was at my house and when she realized he wasn't it was too late. So I basically told him that he could go &(^&* himself and he tried to lie about it. On top of that it was some old woman that works at the bar he plays pool at. So, he's been telling me that he made a mistake and wants another chance. Then I find out that he's going to that bar still to play pool. I'm not stupid, but he seems to think that he can go up there and I shouldn't have a problem with it. I know what I need to do, but I think I need someone else to actually tell me!

~~~



I am so Old School, I built the damn thing, hahahaha! I think you came to the right place for this one and I'm gonna spell it out, just for him. Hold on a second, while I put my chaps, boots and motorcycle jacket back on, I feel the need!

I've been around the block and this ain't my first rodeo, ok? What adds to this twist, is I've lived through the exact or similar situation. My scenario happened in a Club my ex worked in, outside of D.C. He was the bouncer, at the door. There were always young girls, that would do just about anything to get in and apparently, they did. This was at a time, when we were knee deep in Heavy Metal and they had Live Bands playing. It was certainly a playground for anything and everything. I was very naive, back then, for even allowing(yes, I said allowing. I don't have to live with it, unless I allow it) my husband to work there. But girlfriend grew up and let me tell you what I learned.

There are different levels of trust, right? Most trust, you hand to your man, while some they must earn. Once they've taken that trust and then abused it, you are a damn dummy, if you just hand it back to them on a silver platter. So, to nip it in the bud...
I stand with you on this one.

I learned a lot, the hard way. I have mental and physical scars to prove it. I've lived an extremely hard life. But it was all for a reason and maybe, this website or even this letter to you, is that reason.

The way to keep from making yourself crazy or sick over all this, is rather simple. You must always flip the script and put things in terms your man will understand. It is based on the old adage, "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." Put that "shoe on the other foot" for him. Ask him, how would he feel about you going out, by yourself, to the exact Bar, hanging out in a place, playing pool, at the place where you had slept with the Bartender? Would he trust you to go there, make eye contact with this guy, breathe the same air, ask him for a drink? I know, he would not like it. If he says he wouldn't mind, you tell me, I'll give you my phone number and you have him call me. Why? Because I want to call him a liar and I would, will, can and would most certainly enjoy it!

Never trust the man you love and sleep with, the one that tells you, he loves you and only you, to enter the Lioness Den. You are asking for trouble. Now, I am not saying that you can never trust him. I am saying you never hand it all to him, never be stupid, never be naive and never believe he will never fool around on you. If he has done it once, he may do it again. I'm not saying he will but short of threatening his very life, you just don't hand him, all of it, all at once. No, you put him on Parole. He's got to tell you where he's going and if he's not going to be back when he says he would, then he calls you and tells you. Hello, that's not controlling, that is common courtesy on his part. But the biggest part of your story here and now, is no, I don't think he could possibly think, you'd be understanding that he should be able to go back into that Bar, right now. It's not fair and it sucks for him to think anything different. There's got to be other Bars, he can frequent. What if the damn thing burned down? Tell him to pretend it burned down before you get any ideas, lol!

Your Answer

He can do whatever he wants, he's a big boy and you sure don't own him. But that doesn't mean you have to live with a crappy concept, right? You tell him that he has the right to do whatever floats his boat but that does not and will not mean you will tolerate it. He has hurt you, burned down the spot where you held your trust for him and his behavior and handed you the ashes. Now what? You want me to watch you go back into the fire? Even if his heart is pure, you have feelings and he needs to respect them and try to understand how he would feel if things were reversed. I think you are being reasonable and obviously, you love him, or you would have kicked him to the curb. He should appreciate that, alone. I've got your back on this one and you tell him, I said so! I like him though, you just need to put it all into perspective, terms he understands, ok?