This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Okay, I was engaged and living with a man. We split and I moved out. In the mean time we had been trying to work things out and salvage our relationship. I was under the impression that things were a little rocky but that we had actually made some progress. Then I find out from his room mate's girlfriend that he didn't come home one Friday night. She assumed he was at my house and when she realized he wasn't it was too late. So I basically told him that he could go &(^&* himself and he tried to lie about it. On top of that it was some old woman that works at the bar he plays pool at. So, he's been telling me that he made a mistake and wants another chance. Then I find out that he's going to that bar still to play pool. I'm not stupid, but he seems to think that he can go up there and I shouldn't have a problem with it. I know what I need to do, but I think I need someone else to actually tell me!
I am so Old School, I built the damn thing, hahahaha! I think you came to the right place for this one and I'm gonna spell it out, just for him. Hold on a second, while I put my chaps, boots and motorcycle jacket back on, I feel the need!
I've been around the block and this ain't my first rodeo, ok? What adds to this twist, is I've lived through the exact or similar situation. My scenario happened in a Club my ex worked in, outside of D.C. He was the bouncer, at the door. There were always young girls, that would do just about anything to get in and apparently, they did. This was at a time, when we were knee deep in Heavy Metal and they had Live Bands playing. It was certainly a playground for anything and everything. I was very naive, back then, for even allowing(yes, I said allowing. I don't have to live with it, unless I allow it) my husband to work there. But girlfriend grew up and let me tell you what I learned.
There are different levels of trust, right? Most trust, you hand to your man, while some they must earn. Once they've taken that trust and then abused it, you are a damn dummy, if you just hand it back to them on a silver platter. So, to nip it in the bud...
I stand with you on this one.
I learned a lot, the hard way. I have mental and physical scars to prove it. I've lived an extremely hard life. But it was all for a reason and maybe, this website or even this letter to you, is that reason.
The way to keep from making yourself crazy or sick over all this, is rather simple. You must always flip the script and put things in terms your man will understand. It is based on the old adage, "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." Put that "shoe on the other foot" for him. Ask him, how would he feel about you going out, by yourself, to the exact Bar, hanging out in a place, playing pool, at the place where you had slept with the Bartender? Would he trust you to go there, make eye contact with this guy, breathe the same air, ask him for a drink? I know, he would not like it. If he says he wouldn't mind, you tell me, I'll give you my phone number and you have him call me. Why? Because I want to call him a liar and I would, will, can and would most certainly enjoy it!
Never trust the man you love and sleep with, the one that tells you, he loves you and only you, to enter the Lioness Den. You are asking for trouble. Now, I am not saying that you can never trust him. I am saying you never hand it all to him, never be stupid, never be naive and never believe he will never fool around on you. If he has done it once, he may do it again. I'm not saying he will but short of threatening his very life, you just don't hand him, all of it, all at once. No, you put him on Parole. He's got to tell you where he's going and if he's not going to be back when he says he would, then he calls you and tells you. Hello, that's not controlling, that is common courtesy on his part. But the biggest part of your story here and now, is no, I don't think he could possibly think, you'd be understanding that he should be able to go back into that Bar, right now. It's not fair and it sucks for him to think anything different. There's got to be other Bars, he can frequent. What if the damn thing burned down? Tell him to pretend it burned down before you get any ideas, lol!
He can do whatever he wants, he's a big boy and you sure don't own him. But that doesn't mean you have to live with a crappy concept, right? You tell him that he has the right to do whatever floats his boat but that does not and will not mean you will tolerate it. He has hurt you, burned down the spot where you held your trust for him and his behavior and handed you the ashes. Now what? You want me to watch you go back into the fire? Even if his heart is pure, you have feelings and he needs to respect them and try to understand how he would feel if things were reversed. I think you are being reasonable and obviously, you love him, or you would have kicked him to the curb. He should appreciate that, alone. I've got your back on this one and you tell him, I said so! I like him though, you just need to put it all into perspective, terms he understands, ok?