Sunday, October 29, 2006
This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,
I am a twenty-four year old single mother.I work a full-time job as well working toward my business degree. I had some really bad relationships in the past and I have a hard time trusting men. I have never cheating on any of my ex-boyfriends yet however, all of them ended up cheating on me. I have recently started dating this guy who is only twenty-one years old. I am not sure if he is ready for a relationship. I was content with just being friends with him but he was very persistent with being my boyfriend so I finally accepted. Part of the reason why I choose to be his girlfriend is because I didn't want him to be with any one else. I don't just want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone, I am looking for marriage.I know he has a lot female friends and this bothers me because my ex did as well; and that relationship was a disaster. I know that every man is different but I just don't know how to trust anymore? I am also afraid to fall in love because, I fall in love very easily and usually I end up getting hurt.Is there away to tell if he is serious?There are days where he does not even bother to call me and I feel like he should at least call to see how I am doing. I understand that he needs his space but in a relationship I feel like communication is everything. I just don't know what I am doing anymore.
Please help me
Aunt B said...
Let me first commend you for your efforts. It's not easy being a single mother, juggling work, school and motherhood. I know I did it. Even though it is often the hardest, never forget that being a mother is the most important, everything else just gives you the ride.
OK, it is a given that women mature quicker than men, even in childhood this is true. In many ways, we are more mature in affairs of the heart, too.
I dare say, that you should tread lightly or do not place your heart in his hand. He is young and one day he may feel all the want of a serious relationship, the next he may not. But I am the kind of person that believes in living life, let the rest sit back and watch and say I wish I had...
My last beau was 34 and I was 46. Big difference but we enjoyed each others company. Luckily, you are young enough to see your way through this life with an ability to pick and choose your mate. Mark my words, you will not grow old and be alone. But don't jump and flip things. You may possibly be writing more into this than there is, for the moment. I'm not saying that the potential for a good, healthy relationship is not there because I don't know that. The upside of having a young boyfriend is in the training,(inside joke amongst us girls), but without being demanding, if you want to hear from him, tell him so. At that point you have stated your needs but it's how you address it that will make the difference. Don't jump him and say hey how come? No, you say, "you know, I'd love to hear from you tomorrow." Then, when he calls, you say it again and again, until it becomes second nature. If he doesn't call after that, he didn't want to call and it will be clear, right?
There's a fine line between being stupid and/or possessive. Girlfriend, never trust a man...
completely! Never feed your man to the Lioness and not expect him to be eaten. Now, you can't project your fears from being burnt on some unsuspecting guy who may not even deserve it. But remember this, every single relationship has the potential for harm. But you gotta live girlfriend. Be smart, give them a bit of leeway but don't be stupid. A guy that has a lot of friends that are girls is often gay OR he has an agenda. That's the facts Jack! Now, he may fall in the bracket of the innocent but don't be gullible nor be overly jealous. Be cautious. Your man, may mean well and he had a life before you, remember this . You can't expect him to just trash it. But in a well rounded relationship, he would build his life around you and include you. Thus, you know where his heart lies and exactly where he is, emotionally and literally. How could you not if he was holding your hand all the while?
I'll be curious to know if this works out. See, Ms.Confused, you're ready to settle, on one hand. The other hand just slapped you and said wake the hell up, we're gonna have a career, right? Damn, it's hard to be a woman. My vote would be that you try to take a fraction from all you have, all that's going on and roll it into a ball. Don't put too much in any one thing but work on you and who you are, what you are, what you will be as a woman. Don't settle, ever. If it doesn't feel right, it's not. Now, every relationship takes work as you often agree to disagree. But don't think you can really change a seasoned man or fix him. That's the first mistake.
If you go for this young buck, you must state your needs and desires. Present them in a palatable simple pill for him to swallow. If he fights the medication, you'll know, he's not the one. Love Potion #9
Keeping it Real,