Sunday, March 25, 2007

Stand Tall

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B,
first off i think what you do is a very noble indeed. There should be more portals for humans to acquire guidance from the viewpoint of a complete stranger with much wisdom. For this i thank you.
I am 28 years old and have had caused some of the problems in my life for a reason that eludes me. My very first sexual experience is what determined my orientation when it came to sexual desire. This moment was fated to be shared with the same sex. It was a few years later, at the ripe age of 13 when i was awakened to the divine nature of the the opposite sex. For the rest of my childhood into adult hood i hardly thought of my first sexual encounter and instead choose to devout my time and imagination to the splendor that is the female. All my time was spent with my various girlfriends, our sex life was bustling and I had always felt completely relaxed and open with them. Then finally at the age of 22, without a girlfriend, I reacquainted my self with my gay side and began relations with other men. I decided to keep my preference from my loved ones and friends because i knew if they found out they would be heartbroken and disgusted with me. I felt this had to be kept in the closet. I also noticed that my persona around the men that i dated was all business. In other words the only thing i desired from them was sex, and nothing more. I always felt uncomfortable around them before and after the act so therefore never really got to know any of them. Things have been going this way for about 6 years until i started to become close again with a girl who was my best friend growing up. We have been hanging recently and things are very good, in fact it seems that our relationship could progress in to something more. I then realized it was essential to get a std test which i did with the test result coming back clean. It was about this time that one of my closest friends believed that i was gay and spread this rumor about me which would eventually inform everyone that i cared about. Even my mother hinted at it to which i replied that she was wrong and i always preferred woman. However all of my friend's were not so easy to convince, in fact each of my friendships have suffered a great deal while some of my closest allies have deserted me and we no longer talk. I feel like every time i hang out with a friend they show disrespect, anger and disgust towards me which in turns instills hatred towards them and then later, much pain and distress inside me which leaves me tired and melancholy. I am afraid the girl, my old friend who has just recently come back into my life will hear about these accusations and leave me. I don't want to admit that i am gay because it would ruin my chances of settling down with a woman and raising a family, something i look forward to doing so greatly. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. i want to date this girl, and i don't want to be thought as gay any longer by my friends. thanks for reading my serious dilemma.
Fading Fast


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Dear Fading Fast,

I appreciate your comment about doing this page, when actually; I am only trying to get into heaven, lol! Really, it is simply because I’ve been there, done that and learned. I am also very empathic but I simply want to give back. So, I do appreciate it, when I get recognition, such as yours. That is my reward and if you tell me, that I have helped you. I hope I can.

My Dear, it sounds like you are in a state, much like my own son went through. Yes, my son is gay. He had tried to be with women and it just didn’t work. I think he was and has always been torn, though. He loves and respects women but his attraction is with men. At the same time, a lot of gay relationships are not really relationships but encounters. But let me point out, that quite often this happens in hetero situations too. It’s just sex and hopefully, its safe sex. Speaking of, I’m glad you’ve been responsible and had yourself checked. I’m even happier that you came back clean. I am in contact with many gay men, who were not so fortunate. It only takes once and don’t you know every single one of them said the same thing, “I didn’t think it would happen to me,” and “Well, he didn’t look like he had AIDS/HIV?” I am quite sure you are aware of this, right? I just had to put my two cents in, when given the opportunity.

This world can be so very cruel, my friend. You have witnessed it, first hand, have you not? Because it is so brutal sometimes, let me tell you that if I could have turned off my sons gay tendencies, many, many years ago, I would have. Why? Because 20+ years ago, there was no tolerance, not like you have today. He suffered terribly. No Mom wants their child to go through the endless harassment or labeling that goes with the stigma of a gay lifestyle. But I have unconditional love for my son. He is also my best friend and if I had to pick only one person to be with on a deserted island, it would be him. We’d have to have music and munchies and we’d party the entire time and talk. We love each other. I was not always the best Mom but he forgave me and that is what it’s all about.

Let me make something clear; I believe in Monogamy. Why do I bring this up? Well, let me tell you…

The way we perceive the gay community is based on religion, is it not? I am not fond of deviance and there is a lot of deviance in both the gay and straight community. Of course, the straight community loves to point out the flaws in the gay community but I’m calling them both on the carpet. I do believe that God has a problem with deviant behavior, not the fact that you have gay tendencies. He created you. Does God make mistakes? I think not and he knows your heart. No, God has a problem with all people just looking for sex. There is no love in it and when it is done continually, it will blacken your soul. It can be an addiction just as bad as drugs. When you have behaved in a deviant manner, you don’t feel good, huh? How do I know this? I know this because I have behaved that way and I know it is wrong. I fight it off every day. Yes, I have a dark side, hell I’ve danced with the devil. If a wrong could be done, I did it. Now, I am trying to be a better person.

Here’s the difference; If you are looking for a relationship, whether it be gay or straight, it should not involve sex from the git-go. Sex and relationship are two different things. I think we all have approached it wrong. We go out on a Friday or Saturday night, hoping to get lucky. This is wrong. If we are looking to meet, fall in love and plan a life together, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Gay or straight, if you are looking for a relationship, a true love, a real monogamous life, I encourage it. I don’t think my God has any problem with this, either. My son is not going to hell because he is gay. I do not and will not believe this. He is in a loving relationship and doing well.

No, I have not become sidetracked here. I am laying the groundwork for what I have to say;

  1. If you have behaved deviantly, ask your higher power for forgiveness.
  2. If you are trying to have a good healthy relationship, I encourage it.
  3. If you are ashamed of your past, stop it and after doing #1, I’ll point out that guilt doesn’t come from God, so where does it come from? Think about that.
  4. Be true to yourself.
  5. Stand tall and do not bow. No one person has the right to condemn you or judge you. If you are standing tall, you will not behave like a victim.
  6. Are you giving off a victim vibe?
  7. Your sexual preference, past, present or future, is nobody’s business.
  8. If you are gay it’s nobody’s business.
  9. If you behaved in a gay manner in the past or experimented, it is only your business. You owe no one an explanation, not even your family.
  10. Be encouraged, I stand behind you. Anyone that cares about you will also accept you as you are, the others do not matter.

I want you to go to your Higher Power and speak to Him/Her, this is between the two of you and no one else. From that moment on, you answer to no one but your Higher Power. You stand tall. If you act effeminate and this is why you are targeted, you put yourself in an awareness of it and you try to articulate. It can be done, if you are aware of it. People have to polish themselves all the time. I had a very prominent Southern accent. After hearing myself on the radio, I chose to change that and articulate with awareness. People learn to speak in front of crowds and often are not born with these skills. Be aware and stop being a victim. I am not saying that you are but we do tend to allow ourselves to be victimized, do we not. But if you adapt an assertive, no nonsense, I will not take your judgmental bullshit anymore attitude, people will perceive you differently.

Life is perception. Whether or not we are accepted in life does have a lot to do with how independently we think and behave. Have you ever seen a kid being picked on in school? It is because he has shown a victims side and the bully sees it. Most bullies are the ones with the most to prove. We often perceived them as stronger between the passive or aggressive types. In all due reality, it is these people who have to point out others flaws to feel better about themselves. Do not be a passive person. I do not want you to be aggressive either but assertive. You take a stand in this world and say to anyone that confronts you about your “Gayness” that you don’t owe them a damn thing much less an explanation of your sexuality. You do not owe your own Mother that. You are a man and as long as you are trying to live right, you owe no one, NO ONE.

What is living right? Living right is when you have a relationship with your higher power, knowing that you answer to a higher authority. Do not be afraid. We all make mistakes, we all screw up we all sin. It is in our nature to sin, isn’t it? So, when we do but are trying to live right, we confess it, let it go and try to do our best. We go on with an attitude that we will do to others, what we want done to us. We won’t purposely hurt anyone and we will be accountable for our actions. We don’t try to get over or scam people at home, in life or in the workplace. We do not judge others or look down our noses. It’s so simple yet we complicate it all, now don’t we? It is not about being religious but becoming Spiritual and true to oneself. And that is all I want you to do; be true to yourself. You owe nothing, so stop giving or paying for what you do not owe.

Now, go on and be happy and fall in love and have a family. From this moment on, all your junk is handed off and there’s nothing to find, nothing to pay for and no one but your higher power to answer to. Stand tall.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

(this is really long)

truly feel your pain dear writer. Truly. And I am going to give a much different answer than Babs (surely that is expected.. lol) but unlike other comments I have left.. I really hope you read this and take it as the most solid advice I have given to date.

Without even getting into the perceptions of gay and strait, you do know that you could be bi right? If not, I would seriously think about it, and that might lend a hand in making you feel more settled.

But regardless on that internal digestion, here is a page from the book of xmichra.

See, I have dabbled in the affairs of both men and women. I had a very tough teenage/early adulthood because I felt, well. Pretty much how you do I am guessing. I couldn't control who I was attracted to much more than any one else, yet I felt embarrassed and 'accused' a lot because of my truth telling glances.

Before I got married to the man I am with now, I was in a relationship with an incredible woman. It wasn’t like the relationship that I have with my husband; it was very sexual and very seductive. With my husband, sure we have sex. But we are more talkative and supportive. We are there for each other and have similar interests.

Now, the reason I bring this up is for two reasons:
1 – By the time I got to dating Mark, I was questioning my sexual orientation. There was nothing in my head that made sense, and funny enough, it was Jewls, the girl I had been with previous, that told me this: Your heart wants to follow what your brain cannot comprehend.
May sound like gibberish, but it’s true. Sometimes, you can’t explain love, you love for different reasons. And sometimes, it isn’t about sex. I know everyone likes to think it is, but it sometimes just isn’t. And sometimes, you can be attracted to the person, and the sex after that makes it just that much more special.

2 – You don’t need to be clear about your sexual orientation with anyone, with two exceptions. One : yourself. You don’t need to ‘choose sides’. You can simply ease that head of yours by not judging yourself, you like men and women. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to people. There is on the other hand, something wrong with not being truthful with yourself and number two : the person you are in a relationship with. There are no secrets of this magnitude that should be kept. You don’t have to go into detail (especially if you think it would hurt her), but being honest about your sexual orientation is what will make that victim feeling go away. If you are afraid that you will lose this person, after divulging the biggest most prominent part of your life to her? Well, I think you know what I would say to that, even if you are reading me for the first time.

One thing I would like to ask though, is are you indeed afraid of being gay? Just from your letter.. it seems quite evident that you are more worried about what those around you think/feel.. and have not given yourself the time to make up your mind. Sex is sex.. and you certainly elude to the fact that you have had nothing more with a man. So maybe, you should really look at this carefully. Maybe, you are gay… and that’s something YOU are not comfortable with and thus bringing all this drama upon yourself.

I only say that because you do need to be honest with yourself, and with the girl you are seeing. From what you are saying, you two have a bond.. and she will be absolutely devastated if you two were to get married and live a family life, and then for one day have it all crash down on her because you were finally able to realize that you were gay.

I am sure you don’t want that. And I didn’t mean to add pressure. But you do need to look at things like this. It might actually help you out.

Anyway, after all that. My advise.

You do need to come to terms with your own sexuality. You must do this before you advance with anything else, or you will be headed into a much bigger problem. Once you have figured that out (and like I said, it is complicated) THEN proceed with other actions. Relationships, yelling at people for accusations, or being irrational is not what you need to do right now. And all the people involved with those things (well, family and close friends) need to be told that you are taking the time to figure yourself out. Especially the girl. And anyone who really isn’t that important to you? Tell them to mind their own business, or just ignore them. The last thing you need is someone else’s projected image on you.

I really do hope that you can figure this out for yourself, and if you ever need someone to talk to.. well Babs is there for sure, and so am I.