Tuesday, January 30, 2007
This was sent to Aunt B via Email
Dear Aunt B,
am a 19 years old Egyptian gal . i'll try to keep my story short. 6 months ago friends of my family were invited over and we were there too.next day grandpa told me that their son said he admires me (keeping in my mind we didnt speak a word together) next thing i know we're all out again . to be honest that day we talked , not much about life , but that little bit gave me a good impression . we all traveled in a couple of days and there started the disaster. I started realizing we're not compatible at all, when i said so my parents thought i had a problem and they nagged about me giving him another chance . They actually never stopped underestimating me and saying am not worth better than him . first i thought i had commitment fear issues and decided to give him another chance. I started treating him real well although i never for once felt i loved him ! During those 5 new months i realized he's a big liar , a trouble maker and someone who totally does not care about me. He tells me my mom told him stuff than when i ask her she says she never said such things. He talks badly about my parents , does not respect my opinions , friends or anyone. We're always fighting and he always calls my mom to get her to convince me give him another chance. a couple of days ago we had another fight ( always stupid ones , that this one was about me waving to a guy i know who was passing beside us), that was when i really hit rock bottom , i told him that was not gonna work out and that i wont take it anymore. like every time he sent me a flower ( i dont believe this is out of apology , i think it's just to show my parents he does nice things ) this time it didnt work for me either and i just could not call him . his mom called yesterday to know what happened and that is when she knew everything and she made him call me after that( although he didnt call all day long to check on me knowing that i have exams and am upset with him ) when i asked him if he was going to call alone without someone telling him ,he said no. The thing is i was gonna end this yesterday but again he said he'll change , i honestly listened to this i will change from him a 100 times and he never changes a bit. i dont know what to do , i dont like him anymore and at the same time i dont want to upset my mom because she really wants this to work out.
i really need your advice am so torn apart .
Aunt B said...
Dear Anonymous Gal,
Far be it from me, to put a wall between you and your family, especially, your Mom. But if you are saying these things and feel all this, from an early stage in the relationship, then I think you should listen to your gut instincts, what your Spirit dictates. You seem, rather wise for your years and you also seem responsible, even with your emotions. You are 19 years old, an adult, here in the U.S. but I do know that old school Egyptian protocol would be to listen to your Mother, always. You must respect her, right? Always respect your Mom but take control of your life. You are not a little girl and they must not treat you as such. Mom is trying to make things work, as he obviously, has snow balled her, pulled the wool over her eyes.
Something does not sit well with me, on this. I have a bad feeling that he will not change and it may get worse.
Out of respect, I think you need to sit down with Mom and tell her, that you love and respect her. Tell her that she must look in to your eyes and see the pain this guy causes you. She must try to see that, you already know that he will not make you happy because of the lying and manipulation he uses, so easily. Obviously, your heart and soul, does not trust him. He uses your Mom against you and that right there is so wrong. You may have to tell her that he has been manipulating her too. You can not do, say or think, in an underhanded way, all in the name of love. He has done this. Tell Mom, that you simply need time away from him. If it is truly meant to be, he'll wait and he'll wait patiently. Between you and me, I don't think he will really wait. My gut insinct tells me that he may be a control freak. If he is, it only validates his manhood, if he controls another. The test will be, if he waits or he moves on quickly. You are young and have time. I know it often feels like you must have things right, right now, today. But you have time. I get the feeling that you are attractive, not beautiful but very attractive, inside and out. You will have no problem moving on, finding another. But time is on your side, keep saying this to yourself. There's nothing worse than growing old and having regrets. But if you live your life with the mind set, that you will try to live without regret, you be doing yourself a big favor.
Step away from the situation, as soon as possible. Tell Mom, you really need time to think. Tell her that you respect her opinion and you want her blessings, in whatever you do. Hold her face, make her look into your eyes. Make her see the pain, this guy brings to you. Make sure that she understands, that something is not right and you need time. See, she really only wants you to be happy. But this guy has her seeing the side, he wants her to see and not the whole story. If she has faith, tell her, that you need her to pray about this, that the scales will be taken down from the seeing eye, of her soul. Tell her to search her own soul for the truth and you do the same.
Time is on your side. You do not have to do anything, right now. If he is pressuring you, tell him to back off, that you need time. Confront him with the lies and deception and tell him this is not a good start for any relationship. You may also, tell him to write me, even though I doubt he would. I would just love to hear his side of this story, though. There are always 3 sides to any story, right? There's yours, his and the facts. There is always a reason behind the things we do, a motive to the madness. As example, when you waved at that guy, he became very jealous. Though it may not be right, it may be a normal reaction, right? I mean, if he was waving, all friendly, to some good-looking, really hot chick, how would you feel? Would it cause any jealousy on your part? Always place yourself in their shoes. This will help you understand, why he does, what he does. I think he's desperate, thus he has done the things, he's done.
I think you should speak to Mom and really tell her, just how badly this sits with you. Tell her that something is not right and she is not seeing it. Pray that she will. If you are not a believer, then I suggest, that you own your emotions, own your life by taking the control back. Refuse to be forced into a life, love, situation and possibly marriage, based on a lack of trust, deception and under handed behaviors. Then, test the waters. The true exam for this guy to pass, is if he will allow some time between you. If he really loves you, he will wait and think about why, you need time. It may be a wake up call, for him. Never change who you are for anybody. Bending is one thing but to alter the core of your very being, is wrong. Allow me to point out the fact, that you can not really change him, either. He has ingrained behaviors, life long values and beliefs. It takes quite the person to completely change this. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks but it usually takes a shock collar. In other words, if he might truly improve himself, to be honest, trusting and an above board kinda guy, he must have the shock of his life and he must truly be in love with you. Let him prove it. Yes, you are worth it, you are all that and never think any less of yourself. I can already tell, or feel, that you are a good woman and you will be a good wife. Here, let me beat this into you, lol! It's all about time, girlfriend and time is on your side. Sit Mom down, tell her from your heart, let her see this as it actually is. You have arrived as a woman, when you can respect and appreciate your Mother and she then becomes your friend, someone you not only love but like. Take control, in a respectful manner and have her sit with you, not as your Mother but as your life long friend. Once you are able to do this, all else will fall into place. Remember, you have a right to be happy, ok?
Please let me know how all this goes, please? I wish you only the very best and a very happy life. You are worth it. Did you hear me? Yes, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful flower, just beginning to bloom.
I received this comment back from Anonymous Gal...
you have no idea how your reply made me feel :) . I really appreciate your caring and am so sorry to hear about your surgery hope it is nothing serious. I am a believer and believe that things will always go to the right direction even if i don't see it now. I will keep praying and i already talked to mom the other day . he has a last chance to prove his love and to change , because that could be the only thing that would make this relationship move forward. pray for me and thank you for thinking highly of me :). I will certainly stay in touch with you . I appreciate having you as a friend. Wish you all the luck with your surgery , i will pray for you and hope you get well soon. Please tell me when you are back safe and sound .
hope you get well soon and thank you very much for making my day with your lovely words.