Thursday, March 15, 2007

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

Monday, March 12, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B
I could really use some advice. I am currently a freshman at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. I dated an awesome girl for two years while I was in high school but decided to call it quits due to the long distance(I lived in Ohio during this time). After we broke up, my friends and I decided to plan a senior trip to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. During my time on vacation, my best girlfriend and I had sex. To add a third dimension, it was my brother's ex. I have had a guilty conscious about it ever since, but have somehow kept it locked inside. This has had a tremendous impact on me because she was only the second person I ever had sex with. The third girl was at UAB(My College). Within the last couple of months, my ex-girlfriend and I have decided to get back together, but when the subject of sex came up I became really uncomfortable and lied to her. I want to tell her the truth, but am afraid it could ruin our relationship forever. What should I do? And should I tell my brother about me and his ex?

Aunt B said...

Dear Grant,

I feel you on this, right here, right now...

It's odd that you would say this as I just spoke with my ex's brother. I slept with him and fully understand that feeling, that guilt you speak of. That was almost 20 years ago, that I did the dirty deed. My husband (common-in-law) and I had broken up. He was extremely abusive. I put him in jail, after he put me in the hospital. His brother comforted me and you can take it from there. I immediately regretted it and always have. I have gone to my Higher Power and asked for forgiveness and I believe I am forgiven. But I do have guilt from time to time. I resumed a disastrous relationship with my husband. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome or just good old mental illness but I went on to have a 19 year relationship, before I got out. I never told him that I slept with his brother. In my case, he probably would have beat me half to death. I speak to him now and then because of our son. His brother answered the phone, thus my memory of the incident.
Now, this is different, your situation and I realize this. Your brother was no longer with this girl, right? I really don't see what you did, sleeping with this girl as an attack or hurtful act upon your own brother. It's an unwritten rule to not go out with your brother's ex's and that's what it was, his ex.

I am all about confessing to a Higher Power, Priest, Rabbi, Confidant or whomever you trust, just to get it out. I may get some flack on this but...some things are better off dead.
I do not feel that, when you go into a relationship, that you owe them a sexual resume or list. Just as you do not owe them every single thing that you did as a child, teen, young adult, whatever, that you are not particularly proud of. In fact, I feel that, each relationship you start in, you start with a clean slate. What good does it do, to know who or how many people either of you, have slept with?

"Your" past is "Your" past, as well as her past is hers. You have no right to her past and she has no right to yours...leave it there, in the past. Now, don't misconstrue what I am saying here; if you have not been practicing safe sex with each and every person, are you going to tell her/him? Probably not, so get tested. It is a murderous/unscrupulous act, to infect someone because you were not responsible.This is harsh but fact, ok? This is a huge black and white area here. Of course, we pretend there are gray areas here and we are not responsible. Every time you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with their past, especially, if they have not been responsible. In a perfect world, we would not have all these diseases but we do and they are so real and so very scary. I've seen it up close and personal, people dying from Hep C and AIDS/HIV. My first husband died from the effects of Hep C and I suffer from it as well. So, it's very real.
"I never thought it would happen to me," would be my famous last words, huh?

I know, without a doubt, some would say different, that honesty is the best policy but I feel, no one has a right to make you divulge every thing, every sexual partner or encounter. Do you really want to know every single guy, your girl has slept with? I mean really, you've got three on your roster. What if she has more or vice versa? It should not be a matter for discussion and I don't know who made up this awful rule. Some things are better left dead.

When you start a relationship, a serious relationship, be faithful, start with a clean slate and be honest when it comes to your feelings with that person. What I mean is this; If you love them with all your heart, tell them.Communicate. If you are not happy and want out, don't fool around and then go back and say, "Hey, uh, I don't think this is working?" Now, you owe them honesty, you owe that relationship honesty and you tell them that you have been unfaithful and you move on. Hopefully, you'll be honest and not get in that jam. It really hurts the most when you've been betrayed, the last one to know, when your relationship's not working and your spouse or boyfriend, has fooled around. I truly loathe a liar, someone telling me that they love me but twisting the truth only to benefit their urges. They just love to make excuses for that behavior, too!

Your Answer

Get Tested. Assuming you get a clean result, you make it known that the past is the past and "They are your future. Them and only them and that's what matters." Go to your Higher Power and talk and tell. Be responsible in this and other relationships. Sex does complicate things, doesn't it? Learn restraint. If this old relationship does work, do not complicate it with nonsense, that only clutters a clean slate. Be faithful to her or tell her it's not working and move on before you look or shop somewhere else.

Mistakes are only mistakes, if you've not learned from them. If you learned from them, they are no longer mistakes, now they are, "Learning Experiences." May you have many of these.

PS, You gotta watch those damn Spring Breaks. I went to Ocean City, Md. for Spring Break 1975 and came back pregnant. I didn't think, nor did he, that that would happen! It changed and altered my life. Wear a condom!

This Comment was sent Aunt B via email

Mz. Babs

Thank you very much for the advice. I really needed that. It is very comforting to know that I'm not a huge asshole for not telling her the truth about my past sexual life. I also think it is a very good idea to go get tested. I haven't thought about that I guess, but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to know the truth. Thanks again, and you will definitely be hearing from me again if I need some guidance.


Xmichra said...

I am going to make two points here.. and you are free to dissagree. But they are points to concider...

1 - you are feeling guilty about sleeping with your brothers ex. Natural. BUT the only reason you want to tell him is to RELIEVE your own guilt. That is the bed of the dog my friend. If there is no way he will find out, then don't bother. You are only doing it for YOU and that is pretty selfish.You know it will hurt him, and you just want to "feel better" about being "honest". If you want to come clean because you think he will find out (like pretty certain) then go ahead. But he will be hurt, even if it was a meaningless ex.. you always want the ex to pine over you. It's just natures way.

BTW - totally not condoning that.. but i get where you are comming from.

2 - the ex that is now the girlfriend, doesn't need to know. Unless there is some reason she is going to find out (for sure) or you have a communicable std. Who shares your bed is not as important as WHAT does. Get tested and be honest about that. If you really think that she would leave because of this though... you have to think in the long run of how your relationship will work out without the basic principle of 'the past'. You guys weren't together and you were free to engage in what you wanted to do with whom ever you wanted. So if she thinks that you are scum for that.. well that is more her issue then yours.

Don't take this as being bitchy, i totally hear you. But I know from multitudes of bad things like this happening what happens to the people involved. And there is a reason people have sex behind closed doors.

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Xmichra, as always, thought provoking. I just happen to think, you should have an advice blog of your own. You are engaing and I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.

Xmichra said...

Babs, i would if i thought that anyone would write. lol!!

Aunt B said...

Xmichra, just do the dang thing. I've got faith in you!