The Icing On The Cake

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am a homecare worker for a disabled man who uses a glass vase like apparatus to smoke marijuana every day (never while I am present). About two weeks ago, I brushed up against it and a little glass tube thingy fell out and shattered on the floor. I was very apologetic and offered to replace it. Since I have never bought drug paraphernalia before, my boss instructed me on where to go to get one in the area that I live. He also asked me to buy a second one for him, which I fully expected him to pay me for, since I believe that I was only obligated to purchase a replacement. Although it was highly embarrassing for me I made the purchase and I brought two to him the next day, and then the day after that, he emailed me that the bowl shaped ends of the tubes were too small, and he asked me to go to a different shop to purchase a larger ones. I emailed him back asking if I could pick up the first two and try to exchange them for larger ones at the first shop, since I had already spent $18 and I don’t really have a lot of extra money. He seemed annoyed at my request (obviously I was hampering his usage) but he agreed, although wrote that he had already used one of them. So the next day I was in (the following Tuesday) I took the unused one with me and tried to return it to the first shop. They refused to return or exchange it, something I figured might happen. My boss wrote to me that it was becoming a nuisance now, so I asked for the name of the second shop, and after work the next day I drove there, bought a larger one, and drove back to drop it off to my boss. On my way out the door he called out to me to purchase a second one again, but I thought, no way, if I buy two again and they’re again not the right size, then I could be stuck with the bill for those two as well. Since dropping off the second purchase, he has texted me to say that it is the correct size and thank you, but has not offered any extra reimbursement. I felt a little frustrated at this point and so admitted the whole thing to my husband, who said that if I had been stopped by the police I could have gotten in trouble for having drug paraphernalia in my possession (I had a piece of the original broken tube with residue in it for comparing size), and who agrees with me that I should only be responsible for paying for one replacement (at $9), and should request that my boss reimburse me $18 for the other two. Honestly, I know I won’t have the guts to ask my boss for this, and the wimpy side of me says that I created the error in the first place by being clumsy and breaking something, and therefore I am obligated to rectify the situation at my cost. However, there is another little demon sitting on my other shoulder saying, wait a sec, he asked for the second one and it’s not your fault that they weren’t the correct size and that the store refuses to return or exchange them. I have started looking for a new position and will most likely leave my job over this. It has created uncomfortable tension between me and my boss.

What do you think?

Perplexed :o/

Dear Perplexed,

This is enough to piss off a Preacher, huh? I immediately want you to know, that I do, wholeheartedly, side with you on this.

For starters, I think taking responsibility for the accident was kind of you and probably the right thing to do. I feel that paying for one pipe, was fair and fitting. Beyond this, I think he's taking advantage of you and used the situation and your guilt associated with it, to his advantage. That alone, doesn't sit too well with me.

Now, I have an extensive drug past, notice the word "past," meaning, I've been out of the loop for some time now. I say this, to point out the fact that I'm no novice but even I would be quite uncomfortable, a bit iffy, buying a pipe/bong thingy. It's quite possible that your boss, seeing how he's in that loop, might not understand how you kind of went way out of your way for him or your trepidation, purchasing the pipes, over and over. But even setting that aspect aside, I do feel that it's not fair of him, to expect you to foot the bill for all his requests. Actually, I find it down right under handed and wrong. As I said before, I think he's clearly taken advantage of your good nature and kindness, not to mention your guilt for inconveniencing him. Poor baby, couldn't get his freak on, huh?

Looking at things from a medical stand point, there is validation concerning the pain properties, in the medicinal proclivity of smoking pot. HIV/AIDS patients report that it's a great help in their pain. As well, those experiencing side effects from Chemo, say they receive great benefit from this drug. They also take MARINOL® capsules, their primary ingredient is THC and it helps with pain and is an appetite enhancer. This may be a more conclusive answer, for your patient? He needs only to speak with his treating Physician, as this is a better choice, safer and more convenient.

I can see you've had enough and this was just the icing on the cake. I suggest that you write up a receipt for the additional pipes and sit it appropriately somewhere where he will see it. If at that point he doesn't get the picture, it's because he doesn't want to get the picture. I'd put the total there, with any receipts you might have and clearly add it up, so he gets the balance, minus the cost of the first pipe.

I hate to say it but you do have him at a clear disadvantage. If he does not have a medical prescription for smoking, he is doing it illegally. If the subject is broached, after you've given him the bill for the pipes, you need only to make him painfully aware, that you are concerned because this is illegal and you risked being arrested yourself, for trying to help him and being nice enough to replace a pipe you broke accidentally.

If he can't grasp the situation, after saying all that and presenting him with the bill, then is a clear case, proving, why maybe, the smoke has gone to his brain, damaging it permanently, (insert hysterical laugh here). Get out before it rubs off!

Xmichra Said...

Dear Perplexed,

Total agreement with Babs.

I would like to ask, is this a legal use? Because, and i am just going by things up here, if it was for medical use they actually provide implements to smoke the MJ. Also, if it is leagal, and he did break a pipe, he can collect reimbursment through medical coverage for medical supplies.

So, the reason i am asking, is that if it was legal.. you are looking at a cost of nine bucks which is totally refundable. And it was not only unfair to ask you to go and get supplies like this, but illegal. your husband was right on that.

What SHOULD have happened in a legal sittuation, was that you pay him the nine bucks (which BTW is REALLY nice), he collect the merchandise and the reimbursment, and then he in turn PAY YOU BACK. that's how i see it. Yes you broke the thing, but it was an accedent, and it wasn't something that couldn't be replaced.

If it is illegal use, that letter might be a great idea, but i would photocopy the receipts. Nothing says 'not guilty' like lack of evidence. and if you are going to nail this guy for taking advantage of you (and that's what it is really about, not 27 dollars) then you need to excersize a bit of restraint.

Stay True to Yourself

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

This is an additional response to this post.

HI there,

Thank you for your reply. I am not married to the man I am with. We've been together for 4 years now. He really loves me alot but I told him over and over that I do not want to be with him, he ignores the fact and keep on making plans and dreams about us. I live with him with my 4 kids. I started my own business a year ago with his help. I gave him the money that he helped me with back tripple the amount. The other day we had an argument and he told me that I put him in financial difficulties. My business is'nt doing that well yet, but when I make money, I put every sent into our home. He told me he wants money in his account too. I told him I dont go to his employer and say that I want money in my account. This business is my job. I started this business as I could not find a job that pays enough to provide for my kids. My ex pays me R500 per child for the last 4 years. My ex borrows money from me all the time, he never has the money to pay me back and therefore I write off the debt every month. I operate my business from home, I do not have the funds to move out yet, but are planning to do so when I am financially stable.

I wrote to my ex numerous occasions and begged him for us to try again. He completely ignores my letters. When I drop the kids off to visit him, he does not even mention my letters. He only contacts me when he needs money or want to see the kids. When I do see him he acts asif he still cares about me. When I need help in difficult situations he is there for me, but emotionally I dont know how he feels, he never wants to talk about things.

Please advice me what to do.

Regards

me

Dear Friend,

Honestly I think that you have done all that you can do with regard to the ex. Seems to me that you have spilled out your soul to both the men involved in your life, and that if you continue down the road that you are on you will truly not be happy.

The way I see this, is that the man you loved wasn’t a provider. You left the security of love for the security of a pay check. Now that in itself will burn a man like nothing else. Leaving a man because he couldn’t provide is hard on the esteem. And he likely doesn’t want anything to do with you, because of the chance of that happening again. A person can only handle so much. So he does what he can, and he is still borrowing money from you, which in itself must be degrading to him. Borrowing money from the woman who left him. I do not see him returning to you.

And then there is the man you are currently with. You are not in love with him because you are in love with your ex. But the truth is, you were the one who left and you have made your bed. So why punish this man with an unloving partner? Seems rather selfish, and you both deserve so much more then that.

I know that you will not take this advice, because it is pretty unsympathetic (and for that I do apologize) but you should get out on your own and start new. Leave these two men to begin their lives with people who accept them wholly. And you should do the same, stay true to yourself, and let this be a hard lesson to learn.

Love & Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi there,

I don't know where to begin, anyway I am divorced. I left my ex-husband for another man, not because I was in love with this man, but coz he could provide for my kids. I have 4 kids, My ex-husband was a good father in his own way, he never beat us, but we had a lot of money problems. I am 40 years old, divorced now for 4 years, and I always dream of getting my husband back, I do still love him. We went our separate ways without really talking about things, now its like a lot of unsaid things still hanging in the air, but when I try to talk to him, he never answers me and walks away. How do I fix things or get over it???
--
La Rochelle Recruitment

Regards

Linda
Mary
Stephanie

Our website:
www.lrra.co.za

Dear Friend,

It's all about choices, is it not? I mean, love and happiness or a monetary life. While I can understand your need for a good provider, I chose the opposite; Love and Happiness. I didn't find it, in that relationship. In fact, I'd been asked my hand in marriage by several men, in my lifetime, that owned 2 homes, cars, businesses and so on. One fella owned a huge construction business and several tobacco plantations. I couldn't see myself, not loving that man and being with him. I chose the love or what I thought was love. My first husband was a good man but had problems, I didn't understand, with depression and addiction. I left him and went from the frying pan, into the fire, all in the name of so called love. I've always regretted that and now it's beyond too late. My husband died in 1989, while we were separated.

My advice would be to let love rule your heart. From your letter, I gather that you have your own job. I don't know about your ex-husband but you must ask yourself, what will make you the happiest; Love or Money?

I always regretted leaving my husband. He was my very best friend but it went too far, got out of hand and then...it was too late. Life is all about choices. We have them, in every instance but we often can't see it or we choose not to. I hope you will opt for happiness. You only get one go around and while it's wonderful to cry, if you must, sitting in your Lexus with an Anne Klein suit, Gucchi bag and Jimmy Choo shoes, nothing beats loving arms.

I don't get the impression that you are rich, just more secure. So, is it just the security that holds you in place? While we often think the grass is greener on the other side, what we fail to realize, is that quite often it's only greener because it's over a Septic Tank. The key to life is; Love, Laughter and Family. If you don't have that sense of love and laughter with this new fella, take a look at that. If you've entertained notions of your ex-husband, simply because you have a past with him, I suggest committing to your husband, your current husband and making the choice to put your ex, in the past. It is a choice, either way and in all fairness, you must make one or the other. If you've really thought this through and you realize that you are not happy with your current husband because he does not have the same qualities, that your ex did, you need to look at that as well.

My suggestion is; to write your ex-husband, after you've made some semblance of a decision, just where your happiness lyes. Making amends, if nothing else, will plant a seed. He may have deep seated pain, concerning the decision, you made, to leave him. If nothing else, it may give you the first step, to becoming amicable. I think it is paramount anyway, for your children, for you both to be mature and work on your relationship, first and foremost. Once you've done this, it may pave the way, for the next step, in making a permanent decision, concerning who you should be with.

So, write your ex and express the fact that you want, only a good relationship with him. Tell him that you do not want to continue, with things, the way they are. Express the fact that your are truly sorry, that things are the way they are and he was the last person, you wanted to hurt. He may see you as selfish, for what you have done. You took his wife, children, his very family from under him. You must have this in mind, as you write him. Nothing but good will come from your attempt at making amends. I can not promise, it will heal your ex but you owe it to yourself, to make that attempt.

While I realize, you feel you did what you had to do, for the sake of your children, please look at it all and deduce, if was the right decision.

Xmichra said...

I feel compelled to add that if you are not happy and do not love your current partner, that you owe it to him to be upfront about this. Maybe not is such dramatic terms.. but how would you feel if you knew that your spouse was only with you for your money? Doesn't feel so great, not to be loved and to feel used.

Regardless of what you decide to do with the ex, you need to first be happy with you and your life. And sitting where you are, with the letter you wrote to Aunt B.. I think it's safe to say that you are not happy emotionally. And I think it would be in your best interest to sort that out first.

Do Over

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My wife left home after 2 months ago this is not the first time it happened it has happened 3 times in all

the 2 times it happened we resolved the the differences between us i was going through a bad time from Christmas to March with my brother dying of cancer also her dad has cancer she did not go to the funeral then i was accused of having an affair i tried to reassure that i was not and also told her that i still loved her she wanted to go away which i was unable to do, due to my brother being ill and there was also the farm to see to i tried to tell her that in a few months that we could spend more time together but all i was getting was negative it was usually in the evening after she had a drink i tried to speak to her in the mornings after these verbal attacks but to no avail i have met her a few times about practical things and last week went for a drink with her she has now told my daughter that she does not think i was having an affair and i have tried to keep things as pleasant as possible, my daughter is living with me i love my wife very much and told her this and also she did not have to leave she said she had to go

i spoke to her a few days ago after we met at my other daughters house i asked her if she wanted to go for a walk we did she told me that i had to do things for the right reasons i told her i was and asked her did she still have feelings for me she replied she did not know i then said that if she did not want me txt her i would not but the only txt i sent were about our daughter i am really confused she is telling me that its over which i accepted but is telling other people it is only for a while i asked her about it she replied she does not know but she said to me if ever i meet someone else she would go for half the home i have sorted that out legally and said that i would not be threatened i still love my wife and would like to get back but i am unable to do that at the moment

Dear Friend,

I truly feel for you, right now. It sounds like your wife has become rather vindictive and has a lot of animosity, about something. What is it, that has caused her to feel this way?

From your letter, I gather that you have older children together. Your wife may be going through, what they term, as a "Mid Life Crisis."

One thing I have learned, through my own experience, is that you were married for a reason, it was and is your destiny. My first suggestion, is that you pray for your wife and for the healing of your marriage. Having said that, I have to wonder, what else can you do?

You'd mentioned that she'd left before. The first thing I want you to do, is ask yourself why? Most of us are not willing to look in the mirror and see ourselves, as we really are. I want you to be brutally honest with yourself and see if there's a reason, because of you, that she has left. Did you lose her respect? Did you stop really loving her? When I say really loving her, did you take it for granted, that she'd always be there and you became too comfortable and stagnant?

It is always natural for us to look at our spouse, as the reason, things are not working. I am not here, to assign blame. Actually, what good would that do? What I am saying however, is you must take responsibility for anything you may be doing or have done or not done, to maintain a healthy marriage. Were you there for her, emotionally?

I see that you two have had several crisis, especially, due to Cancer and death in both your families. Although it may seem selfish, maybe she felt, you were not there for her. While you may have been completely taxed by your own despair, she may have felt left out in the cold. I am not saying that her emotions are right or valid, wrong or right, simply that she may have felt abandoned by you. Of course, I believe you were trying to do the right thing, take care of the farm and just get through the crisis but she may have felt that you didn't hear her. She may truly have felt that you didn't care. See, she had behaved a bit selfishly, granted, in her own time of need. But the aim is at you and you are the aim of her animosity. She sees you as the reason for her pain, when in fact, it was really the crisis at hand.

As I said, I am not assigning blame, let me make this clear. What I am doing is allowing you to look at this all objectively. I want you to own any part, in this design of separation. I think you are making a conscience effort to make things right or you'd not written me. No, I don't believe you are that or this kind of man, to seek help outside your domain. You are at your wits ends. I know that you love your wife and will do whatever it takes and you have the wear with all, to get this done, get it right, get her back. Let me clue you in on something though; your wife is not the same woman, you married. She has evolved and is questioning her life, her goals and her place in life, right now. She is also questioning, where you fit, in that scenario. Try not to take it too personally but heed the warning. If you want her back, you'd better evolve too. But how can you do this?

As I stated before, I want you to look in the mirror. Are you still the man, that she said, "I Do" to? I mean when is the last time you romanced your wife? When is the last time, you swept her off her feet and made mad crazy love to her, like you used to? You know you were an animal and she loved to be ravaged by you, you made her feel like a real woman and you were attentive to her needs. Now, she's grappling with who she is. She's no longer Mom and she doesn't know if she's still your wife or a woman, in her own right? For a minute, she forgot her own name, as she was the Mrs. or Mom. What's her first name? She asks herself this? She wants to be that girl again, you know the one you married. You used to say her name and she felt it go through her. You need to say it again with all the passion and conviction, laced with love and lust, just like you did before the kids and farm and life as you know it. Whisper her name again, in her ear, it gave her chills, it took her breath away. When you were all dirty, it didn't matter because she watched you off in the distance and it made her heart stop. She looked at you, like her answer, the answer to it all. But you stopped. Why did you stop? Now, she questioned if you even found her attractive. She asked you and you said yes but it meant nothing because you didn't show her, like you used to. Remember when you were a man of actions and not so many words?

I am not a Marriage Counselor, it is not my Specialty. Maybe, you could ask her to go to counseling. Somehow, I can't see it, for either of you. I don't think you're the type to take it all outside the home. But I'll suggest it anyway, as it may be helpful. If you do suggest counseling and she does not want to do it, I offer her to write me and tell me the whole thing. I will be as helpful as I can be. I will be as understanding as I possibly can. Personally, I think she will be astonished that you even bothered to write me. It's just not like you. It shows just how badly, you want to understand it all. It shows how badly, you want things to work.

What I will suggest, is you ask your wife out on a date. But before you do, you send her a card, with a small letter in it and you tell her that you will listen to her and you will do whatever it takes to capture her heart again. Why Write Her???
You will call her by her name but it will come from your heart, from that man, she married so long ago. You know the one, that she'd do anything for and anything to please? You tell her that you are sorry if you weren't there for her and come hell or high water, you'll do what it takes to be there for her in the future and you will listen to her.

No, she's not been a charm, all these years. In fact, she became somewhat of a snob, at times. She often looked down on you or so it seemed and quite frankly, she could be a bitch. But she is your bitch and I say that in and with, the best of intention. Personally, I love being called a Bitch, it becomes me and puts a smile on my face. She is strong willed and you may have to do some fancy dancing, even though you're not much of a dancer. But you do have a romantic side, where did you leave it? Is it packed away in the attic or could you have left it in the barn? Go look for it.

I am not asking you to apologize to her, in the sense of you did this wrong, she did that. I am not pointing the finger at you. I simply want you to take personal responsibility for your shit. I want you to be accountable for what you may have done in this marriage, for it to fall apart. Once you've done this, she'll feel that you've evolved. Once you've really delved into this, with the same conviction you have, when you take care of business, your farm and how you conduct yourself, you'll begin to see things as they really are and what they can be. You have an extremely honorable work ethic and are also the kind of man, once you've given your word, you stand by it. Am I right? Well, you gave your word, to her, on the altar. Go back and study those vows. I know they are only words but are they...just words?

You felt wrongly accused, when she thought, you fooled around on her. I want you to look at this. Instead of looking at why she thought this, you were busy defending yourself and were actually pissed that she accused you. But there is a reason, she felt this way. No, you didn't literally fool around on her but things were lost in translation, the endearment was gone, the friendship, you two shared, was long gone. You stopped swatting her on the butt, long ago and she tried to put two and two together. She came up with the sum of infidelity. That's what it felt like, it was her only conclusion. Look at that, it is part of your answer.

Write the letter, telling her that you desire her and no one else. Repeat those words, that you desire her and only her.Tell her, you want to recapture the magic, the goosebumps again. Tell her you are paying attention again. Tell her about how you think about the small of her back and her touch. Tell her you hope and pray, it's not too late. Tell her that you want to be her husband again. Tell her that the nights are cold and lonely without her. Tell her it can be 90 degrees out but it is still a cold life without her.Tell her, it is her that you want to grow old with.

Write the letter, put it in a sweet card, telling her, you are thinking about her. Send her a single yellow rose. It stands for the friendship, the friendship, you want to rekindle. Ask her if she will, please go on a date with you. Take her out and then...

Say her name. Ask her to marry you again and you'll start all over. Ask her to wipe the slate clean. Ask for a "Do Over".