Sunday, July 8, 2007

Do Over

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My wife left home after 2 months ago this is not the first time it happened it has happened 3 times in all
the 2 times it happened we resolved the the differences between us i was going through a bad time from Christmas to March with my brother dying of cancer also her dad has cancer she did not go to the funeral then i was accused of having an affair i tried to reassure that i was not and also told her that i still loved her she wanted to go away which i was unable to do, due to my brother being ill and there was also the farm to see to i tried to tell her that in a few months that we could spend more time together but all i was getting was negative it was usually in the evening after she had a drink i tried to speak to her in the mornings after these verbal attacks but to no avail i have met her a few times about practical things and last week went for a drink with her she has now told my daughter that she does not think i was having an affair and i have tried to keep things as pleasant as possible, my daughter is living with me i love my wife very much and told her this and also she did not have to leave she said she had to go
i spoke to her a few days ago after we met at my other daughters house i asked her if she wanted to go for a walk we did she told me that i had to do things for the right reasons i told her i was and asked her did she still have feelings for me she replied she did not know i then said that if she did not want me txt her i would not but the only txt i sent were about our daughter i am really confused she is telling me that its over which i accepted but is telling other people it is only for a while i asked her about it she replied she does not know but she said to me if ever i meet someone else she would go for half the home i have sorted that out legally and said that i would not be threatened i still love my wife and would like to get back but i am unable to do that at the moment

Dear Friend,

I truly feel for you, right now. It sounds like your wife has become rather vindictive and has a lot of animosity, about something. What is it, that has caused her to feel this way?

From your letter, I gather that you have older children together. Your wife may be going through, what they term, as a "Mid Life Crisis."

One thing I have learned, through my own experience, is that you were married for a reason, it was and is your destiny. My first suggestion, is that you pray for your wife and for the healing of your marriage. Having said that, I have to wonder, what else can you do?

You'd mentioned that she'd left before. The first thing I want you to do, is ask yourself why? Most of us are not willing to look in the mirror and see ourselves, as we really are. I want you to be brutally honest with yourself and see if there's a reason, because of you, that she has left. Did you lose her respect? Did you stop really loving her? When I say really loving her, did you take it for granted, that she'd always be there and you became too comfortable and stagnant?

It is always natural for us to look at our spouse, as the reason, things are not working. I am not here, to assign blame. Actually, what good would that do? What I am saying however, is you must take responsibility for anything you may be doing or have done or not done, to maintain a healthy marriage. Were you there for her, emotionally?

I see that you two have had several crisis, especially, due to Cancer and death in both your families. Although it may seem selfish, maybe she felt, you were not there for her. While you may have been completely taxed by your own despair, she may have felt left out in the cold. I am not saying that her emotions are right or valid, wrong or right, simply that she may have felt abandoned by you. Of course, I believe you were trying to do the right thing, take care of the farm and just get through the crisis but she may have felt that you didn't hear her. She may truly have felt that you didn't care. See, she had behaved a bit selfishly, granted, in her own time of need. But the aim is at you and you are the aim of her animosity. She sees you as the reason for her pain, when in fact, it was really the crisis at hand.

As I said, I am not assigning blame, let me make this clear. What I am doing is allowing you to look at this all objectively. I want you to own any part, in this design of separation. I think you are making a conscience effort to make things right or you'd not written me. No, I don't believe you are that or this kind of man, to seek help outside your domain. You are at your wits ends. I know that you love your wife and will do whatever it takes and you have the wear with all, to get this done, get it right, get her back. Let me clue you in on something though; your wife is not the same woman, you married. She has evolved and is questioning her life, her goals and her place in life, right now. She is also questioning, where you fit, in that scenario. Try not to take it too personally but heed the warning. If you want her back, you'd better evolve too. But how can you do this?

As I stated before, I want you to look in the mirror. Are you still the man, that she said, "I Do" to? I mean when is the last time you romanced your wife? When is the last time, you swept her off her feet and made mad crazy love to her, like you used to? You know you were an animal and she loved to be ravaged by you, you made her feel like a real woman and you were attentive to her needs. Now, she's grappling with who she is. She's no longer Mom and she doesn't know if she's still your wife or a woman, in her own right? For a minute, she forgot her own name, as she was the Mrs. or Mom. What's her first name? She asks herself this? She wants to be that girl again, you know the one you married. You used to say her name and she felt it go through her. You need to say it again with all the passion and conviction, laced with love and lust, just like you did before the kids and farm and life as you know it. Whisper her name again, in her ear, it gave her chills, it took her breath away. When you were all dirty, it didn't matter because she watched you off in the distance and it made her heart stop. She looked at you, like her answer, the answer to it all. But you stopped. Why did you stop? Now, she questioned if you even found her attractive. She asked you and you said yes but it meant nothing because you didn't show her, like you used to. Remember when you were a man of actions and not so many words?

I am not a Marriage Counselor, it is not my Specialty. Maybe, you could ask her to go to counseling. Somehow, I can't see it, for either of you. I don't think you're the type to take it all outside the home. But I'll suggest it anyway, as it may be helpful. If you do suggest counseling and she does not want to do it, I offer her to write me and tell me the whole thing. I will be as helpful as I can be. I will be as understanding as I possibly can. Personally, I think she will be astonished that you even bothered to write me. It's just not like you. It shows just how badly, you want to understand it all. It shows how badly, you want things to work.

What I will suggest, is you ask your wife out on a date. But before you do, you send her a card, with a small letter in it and you tell her that you will listen to her and you will do whatever it takes to capture her heart again. Why Write Her???
You will call her by her name but it will come from your heart, from that man, she married so long ago. You know the one, that she'd do anything for and anything to please? You tell her that you are sorry if you weren't there for her and come hell or high water, you'll do what it takes to be there for her in the future and you will listen to her.

No, she's not been a charm, all these years. In fact, she became somewhat of a snob, at times. She often looked down on you or so it seemed and quite frankly, she could be a bitch. But she is your bitch and I say that in and with, the best of intention. Personally, I love being called a Bitch, it becomes me and puts a smile on my face. She is strong willed and you may have to do some fancy dancing, even though you're not much of a dancer. But you do have a romantic side, where did you leave it? Is it packed away in the attic or could you have left it in the barn? Go look for it.

I am not asking you to apologize to her, in the sense of you did this wrong, she did that. I am not pointing the finger at you. I simply want you to take personal responsibility for your shit. I want you to be accountable for what you may have done in this marriage, for it to fall apart. Once you've done this, she'll feel that you've evolved. Once you've really delved into this, with the same conviction you have, when you take care of business, your farm and how you conduct yourself, you'll begin to see things as they really are and what they can be. You have an extremely honorable work ethic and are also the kind of man, once you've given your word, you stand by it. Am I right? Well, you gave your word, to her, on the altar. Go back and study those vows. I know they are only words but are they...just words?

You felt wrongly accused, when she thought, you fooled around on her. I want you to look at this. Instead of looking at why she thought this, you were busy defending yourself and were actually pissed that she accused you. But there is a reason, she felt this way. No, you didn't literally fool around on her but things were lost in translation, the endearment was gone, the friendship, you two shared, was long gone. You stopped swatting her on the butt, long ago and she tried to put two and two together. She came up with the sum of infidelity. That's what it felt like, it was her only conclusion. Look at that, it is part of your answer.

Write the letter, telling her that you desire her and no one else. Repeat those words, that you desire her and only her.Tell her, you want to recapture the magic, the goosebumps again. Tell her you are paying attention again. Tell her about how you think about the small of her back and her touch. Tell her you hope and pray, it's not too late. Tell her that you want to be her husband again. Tell her that the nights are cold and lonely without her. Tell her it can be 90 degrees out but it is still a cold life without her.Tell her, it is her that you want to grow old with.

Write the letter, put it in a sweet card, telling her, you are thinking about her. Send her a single yellow rose. It stands for the friendship, the friendship, you want to rekindle. Ask her if she will, please go on a date with you. Take her out and then...

Say her name. Ask her to marry you again and you'll start all over. Ask her to wipe the slate clean. Ask for a "Do Over".

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