Dear Aunt B~
I've been in a relationship with someone for the past 3 years. We had a long distance relationship for about a year and half and then I moved in with my boyfriend after about two and a half years. We were actually living with my boyfriend's relatives because we could not afford a place on our own and we were both going to school. Well after about 6 months of living there my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I never saw it coming and I was very, very upset. His reason for breaking up with me was because he wanted to concentrate on school and basically just worry about himself. He said he didn't want a girlfriend and didn't have time for one anymore and basically just wanted space. Since I still hadn't finished my semester of school yet I had to stay there and we were just friends..how awkward. I moved back home about a month after the breakup. I was home for a week and then took a three week vacation to visit my brother in California. I didn't talk to my ex the whole time and I was doing really well but I still think about him a lot and still really care about him and love him. It's now been almost 3 months since the breakup and I still care? He never really calls me or anything but I always find myself wanting to call him. I still get upset when I think about "us" and can't seem to just get over it. When we broke up he told me that later we could try things again...Is it normal to still have feelings for him and want him in my life, especially when he doesn't seem to feel the same way? Maybe he does feel the same but I don't know that because he doesn't tell me... I've been single now for a bit and it's given me a chance to see what else is out there but it doesn't interest me...other guys I mean... I just want him. Do you think this is just a phase he is going through? I just find it odd that I am all of a sudden out of his life and it's like I am invisible to him. Why wouldn't he want to talk to me anymore because he did say he still wanted to be friends with me before I moved back home. Is he trying to get his life in order before even thinking about me again? I just don't know if I need to move on or what... Do I need to just forget about him as hard as that is for me to even think about doing? I don't know what to do...What went so wrong? I know you don't have all the answers to my questions but any advice of ANY kind would help so much. Thank you!
Dear Friend, I really feel for you, I do. I can understand, you feeling as you do. In all actuality, I would just love for you to get a little bit angry about this. I can't believe I just wrote that but it's what I feel. You've been too easy on him, even if it's only in your head.
Breaking up, as you did, is like a funeral without the deceased present. How can you grieve? I mean, if you look at this, you didn't break with him, he broke with you. That's leaves all of your feelings, still intact. Understandably, you are not the type of woman that just turns it all on and off. You are also resilient or you'd have moved on. Whoever gets you, is a lucky guy because you are loyal and loving, a survivor and you hold on, for dear life. But my Intuition tells me, that this guy, the one that let you go, is not the one.
So far, you've walked around in a whirlwind of emotion distress. You've been holding on to this guy and the idea of him. It has held you down, much like an expensive pair of cement shoes. It threatens to drown you and you must be able to see this. Thus, you have not been able to see potential in any other guy. Let me also add, that you do not have to look for Mr. Right, as he's going to find you. But you must first, grieve and get over this other guy. Right now, you have defensive walls, all around you. It says that you are taken, in a relationship and you are not attainable. Not to mention the way you hold yourself, a mix of defeat and unavailable. I bet you didn't even realize that you were doing this? How can we change this?
First and foremost, I am Queen of Perspective and that's exactly what I am going to give you. Take a deep breath, this may not be pleasant but my aim is...to piss you off;
He had to have been thinking about this break-up for some day. I'd be willing to bet, he didn't wake up one day and decide that he was going to give you the boot. No, he'd been thinking about it for some time. But he still slept with you and told you he loved you. He looked into your eyes and whispered what you needed to hear. He was a coward for not telling you, exactly how he felt. Unless you are some needy bitch, how did you really get in the way of his school work? If he needed to concentrate, on himself, he needed only to say so and I'm sure you'd have given him room to buckle down. he lied to you and I want you to see him for every ounce of asshole that he is. Right now, you're thinking, he's not an asshole, aren't you? It hurts, for you to read those words and how dare I say that about him? But it's true and it's just a fine example of how bad he screwed up. He had a good thing, in you. Don't you forget that.
His guilt was so, that he allowed you to stay at his place, all in the name of friendship. I think if he'd had his way, you'd have been on the first boat out of there. He's a selfish bastard and only thought of himself, to hell with your needs and your finishing school. He plotted your demise, with a big shit eatin' grin on his face and he might as well have slapped you senseless because that's what it felt like, when he informed you, that he needed out. Of course, knowing that you were a good thing and because he's shit for brains, he's often kept you believing that you may have a future, with him. That added insult to injury and was completely wrong of him and down right dirty. He should have been honest, that he was not ready for commitment and still wanted to sew his seeds, feel his oats. basically, he was extremely selfish. It was all at your expense and you were expendable. You were a casualty of his irresponsible thinking. See, I can see right through this. He said he needed to "concentrate on himself " and that wasn't a lie. No, that's the only truth in his statement. He is concentrating on himself and his school work is not the concern. I will say this, at least he didn't fool around on you, in your face.
If you were my own daughter, I would tell you all this. Believe it or not, my interests lie in you getting over him. He's not good enough for you and he's extremely selfish. How could you ever trust his emotions, ever again? I mean, you could go back with him but you'd never know when he was going to spring it all on you. Sure we all go through shit, from time to time but we don't throw the towel in, at such an important juncture. You had a whole semester to finish yourself and he could give a shit because he had to concentrate on himself.
It is not my aim to hurt you. My purpose is for you to look at this pile of crap for what it actually is and stop entertaining thoughts of fluffy love songs and missing him. Yes, you can put a pile of crap in a pretty box with a pretty bow but it's still a pile of crap. Look at it and see it for what it really is. Cry if you must, get it all out and then I want you to get agitated enough that you will put on your game face and plot a counter attack.
I want you to get that spring, in your step back. You know that lil swish, you do with your butt, that says you feel sexy...get it back. You don't need to get even, just get on. You will look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, who will make some guy extremely happy. You will stop short changing yourself and you will stop comparing guys to this ex, of yours. No, they don't measure up to him and they don't have his cute features. Yes, he was cute, I know that but the inside was dark and ugly. You do not want a guy like him, ever again, so stop looking for a duplicate. hell, you've actually acted like you were still in a relationship and you were still loyal to him, in hopes that he'd come around. But he won't, he never will and the best vindication, is for you, to hold your head up and strut your stuff. Take down those walls of unavailability. Body language speaks volumes. You've been lost in a sea of pain and loyalty to a guy that does not deserve, a second glance.
You remember that you are all that and a box of Godiva. You will be a loyal and loving partner, for the right guy. You must concentrate on this and get back on your horse. Dust him off of your heart and ride.
Now, hopefully, I've pissed you off in a good way. I do not choose to hurt you. I choose to make you see the truth, even if it hurts a bit. Put your Bitch Belt on and walk like you have a purpose, with your head held high and his memory burned at the stake. Do all this, see it all and Mr. Right will find you. When he does, you write me.