This was sent to Aunt B via email...
I have been involved with a man for three years. Recently I met his sister in law we had the biggest fight. She always talks behind my back and tried to bring me down. I told my man that and he said he talked to her and told her that he does not like the way she treats me, but I said how can you say that and still associate with her. He tells me he knew her more than me and that she has done a lot for him and that he can not just cut her off and that she has nobody around to help her. I am like she has a husband, your brother, he said he is not always there. I am like why do you have to be there. Shouldn't my enemy be his. I feel very hurt that he is not cutting her off completely. I hate the fact that I am with a man that hangs around with my enemy even though he tells her that he doesn't like her because of me. I feel hatred and anger towards him. We are supposed to get engaged, but I feel that he doesn't love me enough, he says that is not true. he says he loves me very much but she is also his family, and I am like she is not biological and the fact that she hates your wife and has tried to ruin my reputation several times and you still talk to her hurts me. He tells me that if she says anything negative he will defend me, but that he won't cut her off. Please tell me if I am wrong, but I feel so angry that he says that. I think his future wife should mean everything to him and that he should be able to cut off anyone that hurts her in any way, unless its biologically related to him.
I can understand your animosity, in this situation. I would probably feel betrayed too. Yes, I feel his loyalty should be with you and I am starting to wonder why, it is not? From what I can gather, he is, in his mind, beholden to her. If he has been there for her, on several occasions, I would think, if we put it in terms of debt, he should be paid off. So, why does he keep going there and why would he jeopardize your relationship, to continue with the one, he has with her?
While it is possible, that he is actually being a good brother-in-law, is he doing this for his brother or for her or both? If he understands the ties that bind, he must understand your malice in this? Somehow, I feel there's more to the story here?
I don't know what it was or is that keeps you two, at odds? Were you both wrong? Does that really matter? No, what's important, is what or how we press on with life.
OK, here's where it gets tricky;
I think you are wrong for demanding him, to cut the ties. I think he is wrong, if he does not try to patch things up. I think you are wrong, to think, he should hate someone, to please you. I think he is wrong for flaunting this in your face. What I mean by that, is, he should demand that his sister-in-law respect you.
You actually have some choices here and you should consider them;
- You can make an attempt at making an amends with the sister-in-law.
- Once you have made this attempt, either by phone, in person, by phone, you then tell your man, that if she can't respect you, he surely shows a lack of respect for not standing by your side.
What I am saying, is that I feel you MUST command respect. In the future, she'll think twice before she runs her mouth, if you handle this, like a stand-up woman. How can you do this?
Depending on the severity of her transgression against you, you refer to the choices I listed. You grab her by the hair, not literally but figuratively. You make the statement that, "You no longer wish to continue this asinine argument. It is childish and has placed a wedge between the family." Now, there will be no apology here and I sure as hell am not telling you to give her that. Nope, I'm telling you to take your power back. I'm telling you to put on a Bitch Belt and own this situation. I'm telling you that you are giving her your power and she knows it. Every time your man goes over there, she gets a little piece of you and digs the knife in a little deeper. Are you going to give her that? Oh hell no! No frigin way!
You put on your Bitch Belt and take control. You call her and tell her, you've grown tired of this childish game. You tell her that, if she has something to say about you, in the future, she comes to you. You tell her that for the good of the family, you are going to put 'your feelings aside' but you'd appreciate if she could show respect for you, just as she would want to be respected. You must set the tone for this conversation and be the bigger woman. See, I know you've got this in you, I can feel it. I don't think you realized that she was doing what she is doing. She probably has gone out of her way to be nice to your man, so she can drive a wedge between you two. Are you going to let her have this?
In turn, I want you to read this part to your man; He's been played. Oh yea, she cares for him but she has gone out of her way to use his caring nature to further her heinous ass ways. Now, he can continue to act like a chump or he can learn how to play the game too. It won't hurt him, to distance himself, till you iron things out. See, he's not doing a good thing right now. I can stake my life on the fact that she is using him and acting all, "We are family and we go way back," and all that other horseshit, to get to you. Tell your man, I said "Stop it now Mister, unless of course, you like being the fool?" She's dancing all over both of you and he doesn't see it. He thinks he's in the clear, well, he's not. This is about respect.
No, G-Friend, I want you to handle your business and channel that anger and animosity. I want you to own this situation. You call her and say exactly what I told you to say. It is for a reason. If she continues to argue on the phone, she has proven to you both, that she is not a woman but a girl, a childish funky brat. Make sure you mention that you are woman enough to let this go. Then, you ask her if she can do the same? If you say this, exactly as I have said it, she will then have to see, that she is acting childish and certainly not carrying herself as a woman, if she continues as she has. See? The important part here, to realize, is that she has stepped on your toes and your man continues to dance with her. You must make an attempt to resolve this and take your dance partner back.
Let her do the Funky Chicken to somebody else.
PS, if this doesn't work after you've tried to resolve it, you write me again. We'll then show her how to really dance!
Comment via email, from the author of this letter...
Hello Auntie Babzz!
Thank you for your advice, well my man does defend me like I said, and just like Xmichra said he is not on her side he is just trying to make peace, and I didnt like that he was just trying to make "peace" when someone is your enemy you dont want peace you just want to cut them off and he said he would do that for me, but in a way I didnt want him to do that, and plus she appologized to me before and I still dont like her, I accept that she admitted she was wrong, but she is still jealous of me and I dont care if she apologized, but I can't help if she admires me and wants my life, that is an issue she is going to have to deal, what I am doing right now, is leaving my man out of it, because I have realized he gets annoyed of her too and that he only does what he can for her because she has family ties and in a way he feels like he owes her for what she has done for him, alth I think that is bullshyt, but all I wanted to know was that he hates her deep in his heart but he just felt compelled because of his brother, and I didnt want to let her win like babz said why ruin my relationship when I kno my man doesnt like her, he even tries to hide from her at times, but she is just clingy and annoying, I just thought b-4 my man was doing favours for her from his own heart, but really he jus does it because he feels like he has to, I realli dunt think he "has" to but hey is a nice guy and I left the poor guy out of this.