Just Be A Friend

Dear Aunt Babz,

ok so i have two very good friends. I find out they both like the same person but don't know that the other one does. So they both told me not to tell anyone and they are both really good friends of mine. I can't tell them because that would make me seem not trustworthy but i don't want them to get their feelings hurt. What should i do?



Dear Reader,

This one is a no-brainer. Stay out of it completely. You are right, they have both trusted you that their confidence will be kept, so make sure you keep your word. I would however talk to each of them separately about not getting their hopes up too high, and that no matter what they are valued.

In the end, one or both of them will end up hurt, because regardless this person they like will only pick one or neither of them to date. So you know what is going to happen, you just have to prepare to be a good friend and be there for them.

I hope this all resolves itself right away though, as I know the burden you must be feeling to tell each friend the others secret, and it is not easy when you are afraid to hurt someone. But by telling them, they will each be mad that you broke their trust, and will likely become competitive (which is not a good situation either) and stick you in the middle of a fight.

Keep the confidence, and just be a friend.

Good Luck,


~Xmichra

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I'm 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn't talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don't tell your wife, I'm bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn't going to lie to my wife, I just wasn't coming if that's the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We're sitting at dinner and I'm watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn't like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn't the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn't like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn't over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that's the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won't email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies...actually his fiance' told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn't get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.



Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We've all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that's what it's all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I'm gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family...

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can't appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you've read anything, that I've written here, you'll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I'm just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You'll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he'll have to walk down "his road" and I'm hoping you'll walk on the berm along side him.


You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is "a good woman behind every great man." The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn't care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn "first blood." What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don't you? And don't you think, if he didn't like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn't like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he's not man enough to tell her he doesn't like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what's in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you've got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn't try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn't belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it's twists and turns, it's comedy and tragedy, it's plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it's not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, "This is Your Life," Ben didn't really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, "What the hell does he see in her?" He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn't have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn't know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I'm going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?


Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it's never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you'll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term "casting a pall" on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term "pallbearer" is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.

Ones Own Trap???

Well Gang, Aunt Babz is moving. Not the website just the Self. I will be away and there may be some delay.


♥´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤~ {"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.}¤~ ♥

Dear Aunt B,

(this might be long) My friend and I have been best friends since the first grade and are now in our senior year of high school. We have been through A LOT of fights but they were mostly small fights that we get over in a day. We are so close that we act like sisters and it feels that way sometimes, but other times i can't stand her. She can be a rude, self-centered, spoiled bitch. First however, i have to tell you, we both haven't been good friends to each other. She went out with a guy that i had a huge thing for. Then, last year i made out with the guy that she really liked behind her back. She never knew and they started going out, then it happened again. So basically he cheated on her with me, but all we did was kiss, which is still bad. Anyway, this was all a big secret until this past summer when i spilled the beans out of guilt. She was obviously extremely upset but she managed to forgive the both of us somehow. Her forgiving me really made me love her more, but now I find myself hating her. She has actually always pretty much been like this, and im pretty much the only one who would put up with her, but now i dont know if i want to anymore. I feel so dumb sayin this about her when im the one who betrayed her, but i cant help it. One of the things that bothers me so much is that ALL she talks about is her boyfriend! The one that cheated on her with me! I dont want to hear about her dumb ass boyfriend! He's an idiot! I even tell her that she talks about him all the time and she still does it. I could probably go on and on about all the little things she does that bug me but ill just sum it up now and ask what do i do? I really hate drama so I don't really want to say ' i do not wish to be your friend any longer' and have this huge fight and avoid each other at school. But at the same time, i feel so trapped in our friendship. What do you think?

Dear Anonymous,

I think it sounds like you two were really close. But it also sounds like this last act has pulled you two apart.

Even the very best of friends get into fights or think poorly of one another for short periods of time. And that is because ultimately we are all different people, and we all feel differently about things. Take for instance you called her a rude self centered bitch at times. And that may very well be the truth: to you. Maybe she feels like she is joking around when you feel she is being rude. Maybe she feels like if you won’t ask a guy out, that’s your problem, which yes is a little self centered and bitch like. But it’s also going for what you want in life, which isn’t all that bad either (unless it is to be purposefully vindictive, then that’s horrid. But that’s a different point).

But this last act here. Where you have done something that she has had to either forgive or forget… well I don’t think that she has and neither have you.

She wants to make it clear to you how in love her and her boy are, and how well they are doing despite his big huge horrible mistake with you. And that is how she will go on about that. She is marking her territory because she is afraid of the predator, which in this case is you.

You can’t stand this because in the back of your head you think that you could steal this guy. Admit it. You think that the best reality check in the world for your girlfriend here would be to see this guy for what he really is, and to put her in place. This is what is pissing you off. That is quite apparent from what you have written. And if you think at all that this guy is an idiot and a jerk, and you do feel like your friend is better off without him, it might be more tempting to do something about it.

So no wonder you feel trapped. Of course it is a trap you have made for yourself, but it doesn’t mean that you have to live in it.

Distance yourself a little bit from her. Do something to which you know she wouldn’t have the time for (like a Friday night aerobics class for example. She won’t want to give up her date night). Then about two weeks of that, grab another class after school (say you want to stick to the program and the instructor had a spot open on Tuesdays for an example) Just gradually keep getting involved with things that do not require her to be present. And she will fill her time with this boy I am sure. And either they will break up and you two will be fine, or they will stay together and it won’t matter because you have other things to do and have preoccupied your time.

If a fight roles out from it, it will look juvenile on her part to have bitched you out because all you are doing is living your life – you never put a wedge between the two of you.

Basically what has happened is the consequence of actions. And now you need to do what you can to live your life, and learn from this. Keeping secrets and betraying friends is far more costly to you and your life the being honest and staying true. So learn that lesson, but move on. You still deserve the best life you can give yourself.

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.