The Nitty Gritty

Dear Aunt B,

Hello.

My name is Andrew I am 43 and my biological father who abandoned our family when I was 6 years old has been told he has 2 to 6 months to live (he has cancer)....I haven't seen or heard of him since I was 6 (and even then he was a violent alcoholic)....I am recently unemployed and have 15 days to accept a new job offer 2000 miles from where my father has chosen to pass away at....on one hand I feel a moral obligation towards him....but on the other hand he is a stranger to me...and I was given up for adoption as a child (because we were six kids in the family and my mother could not care for all of us)....I really need this job...this may sound callus but the reality is when he passes his worldly concerns are over but mine go on...I'm torn between morality and reality...what are your thoughts?

Andrew



Dear Andrew,

I will flat out tell you I am a little biased here because of a similar situation with my own bio-dad. So you can choose to ignore me because of that, or choose to listen a little more. Whichever the case is, I will still answer what I feel.

Go to your job.

It doesn’t sound callous, morally wrong, or even cruel. Your situation is that where you have a longing to have your father be your dad, and to be accepted, nurtured & loved the way a child (even us adult ones) should. You are looking at staying and helping him as a way to try and mend the past 43 years. I get that.



Here are a few things i want you to consider though:

You really need this job.

HE has chosen where he wants to live out his final days. He could move.

You need to survive.


The only reason for you to stay would be out of pure guilt. But you are a good person still if you choose to go, really. This decision isn’t the easiest for a heavy heart, but you need to realise that it doesn’t matter about biology, it matters if you are real family. And anyone real would encourage you to go and make yourself well.

In the end, you need to choose what you can live with once he’s gone. *sigh*, i get that too.

But for the record, i hope you take the job & let the dream of a father go. You deserve more.


Wishing you strength & wisdom,

~Xmichra


Dear Andrew,

I'm imagining from the date, the receipt of your letter that you may have had to make this decision on and of your own. For this, I do apologize. I've been away and all mail was stuck in my folders. Staff did not have access because of a glitch. Again, I apologize.

At the same time, I have faith that you've made the right choice and have done what needed to be done. My only hope is that you've made decisions, one that you can live with.

Life is certainly full of every day situations and decisions we must make, choices we often must or will answer to later in life. This, your situation is a bit unfortunate simply because there will come a time, one day in the future where you will question whatever decision you've made.

The crux of the matter is to live by the rule that you live and do things, make those choices that you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and really look at yourself and not past yourself. One day you will understand what I'm talking about.

In this situation, your circumstance, there is no comfortable answer. There is no magic choice and there's certainly no plausible solution that will remain wearable. But life must go on and when it's all said and done, you must live and live without regret the best way you know how.

The nitty gritty of all this is for you to be there as best you can, as best you know how for your Father but from a distance, whatever distance that is required for you to accomplish the necessary. Yes, it is unfortunate that the circumstances can't be better but that, like many other things which I guarantee will come along, is just an example of making mature and rational decisions...sometimes no matter how painful they might be.

I encourage you to do what is best for you, for your future. I also encourage you to find some semblance of a forgiving heart, a balance of letting bygone's be bygone's. I know it may be easier said than done but do me a favor and at least put that pain on hold.

This may be a tall order, asking you to put aside bad memories and especially anger. But one thing I have learned in this life is that anger kills, it serves no one, certainly not you. Yes, you may feel you have a right to this anger but again, it will not serve you.

What will serve you is to be the bigger, the better person and allow the end to be something that you can live with. You will, I hope, write me later and tell me that I was right.

Keeping It Real,


Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Safety & Serenity

Aunt B,

I watch the news and I seen a lot of people who are raped, murdered, or missing. I am married, my husband works nights and I have a big 152 pound Bullmastiff/American Bulldog mix and I hate to be alone because I fear for my safety. I was wondering if you could give me and my husband some pointers on how to stay safe when I am just alone or alone with my dog. I try not to worry. But would like to stay safe not sorry.
Thanks,
safety




Dear Concerned for Safety,


We want to be safe and sound no matter where we are, but the best prepared people can still be in unfortunate circumstances. So it is hard to say the best way to stay safe, but I will give you pointers for yourself, and your home to try and help ease your mind that you have done everything you can to safeguard yourself while home alone.

I would advise you to turn off the TV though, because it is doing nothing but making you paranoid. Yes, it is a reality that people are harming people in our world. But we do not need to be so consumed and afraid by this that it hinders our everyday life.

So with that in mind, here are a few things you can do:



1)- BE AWARE. Crime stats are different than news stories.

a) Criminal damage (including vandalism and arson): 8% of households were affected.

b) Burglary: 2% of households were affected. Domestic burglary peaked in 1993 and has now returned to the same level as 1981.

c) Theft (including mugging, bicycle and household theft): 14% of the population was affected.

d) Sexual offences: 3% of women and 1% of men were affected.

e) Vehicle theft: 7% of households were affected. Car theft peaked a few years ago and has now reduced to the same rate as 1981.

f) Card fraud: 3% of card users were affected in 2004. 1% of the population was affected by fraud or forgery (all types) last year.



These statistics were from this site: http://www.personalsafetyadvice.co.uk/StayingCrimeAware.html and they have pointed out ways to help you secure yourself with personal theft, criminal damage and thievery from vehicles (the top three percentiles). That site also has a lot of other really great security measures for on-line, after dark safety, etc that you may want to look at.



2) Get a security system installed, and display the signage of the alarm on your property or on the front door (which should have a peep hole in it). When your husband leaves for work, you can set the alarm up on perimeter (obviously because you will still be walking around inside). Depending on if you own a house or apartment will depend on the cost. Initial cost for set up will depend on how many doors/windows you would like secured but the initial set up is often free with extended contract.



3) Keep a cell phone or portable phone with you at all times. If someone is breaking into your house, you can call for help – but not if you don’t know where the phone is!



4) Don’t tell people you are alone. I mean NO ONE. On-line people often forget that just because a person tells you they are in New York, and you are sitting in Santa Barbra doesn’t mean they are where they say they are, you have no idea. They could be right next door. So be aware of who you are telling things too. Not just on-line either; watch your tongue at work, at the mall, on your phone. Just be aware that people are listening in.



5) If you still feel unsafe, you can take a self defence class so that you can try and protect yourself if something were to happen. Classes are typically held at YMCA|YWCA or community class centers (leisure centers etc).



6) And last on my list (because of controversy), you can get a gun for your home. But guns are only as good as the person wielding it, and should be taken as a serious responsibility. You should have taken lessons and KNOW how to wield a weapon, any weapon, the same as you would get trained to drive a car. So if you do not intend to take on the responsibility of gun ownership (this is learning how to shoot, getting a license, cleaning your weapon regularly, making sure it its in your possession and not stolen) then you definitely should not get one.



These are just some of the things you can do to better secure yourself while home alone. Hopefully this will help to ease your mind.

Wishing You Safety & Serenity,

~Xmichra~

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!