Gift Within the Gift

Dear Aunt Babz,

In short, I am unsure how to get over myself and put my son first.

In order to get over an ex of one year i started smoking MJ and sleeping with a former high school mate. The condom broke after the second or third time and i ended up pregnant. The major problem is I still love my ex and i am having difficulty with the question, 'Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?' i've been diagnosed with quite a bit but major depression is the main thing (to keep it short). i cry almost every day. i don't want to be a mom...I'm too crazy and impatient and angry. i hate myself for doing this to an innocent person. It makes me almost suicidal...but my beliefs wont allow me to hurt myself anymore or my child.


Dear Mom-to-Be,

The good thing about morals and beliefs is that sometimes, even in the oddest of places, you find something that you didn’t even know you were missing. And in this case it will be your child.

The situation isn’t “ideal” but then again what is nowadays?? You have yourself and this baby to look forward too. And in time, just in time, I am sure you will.

I do know that this is a different circumstance, but when I was pregnant I didn’t feel mom-like at all. I was scared and neurotic and selfish and impatient. I didn’t know what the heck a diaper genie was, what freaking universe would let me be impregnated??? These thoughts would creep into my head and make me completely crazy. And the more people told me “it’s okay hun, it’ normal” the less I believed them. I had no idea how to look after a kid… hell I didn’t even look after myself that well! So freaked out.

And even though when my daughter was born I felt like nothing else in this world was as important as her… I was still freaking out because OH MY GOSH.. I don’t know how to hold her or feed her or what she wants! HeHe…. Seriously, I think (okay I hope) every new mom goes through this, so in that you are not alone.

As for your ex and wishing he were the father…. Well there isn’t anything that you can do about that…. But you can change the way you look at this. Instead of looking at this as a “blip” that wasn’t suppose to happen with this guy… look at it as an unexpected surprise that you will cherish. And if you and your ex can somehow manage to work through this, that is great as well. But it you two can’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Bottom line is this: You have the opportunity to start a new life and bring into this world a cherished being, or a burden. But that is only for you to decide. And with the beliefs and morals you have, I am sure it will be the sooner rather then the later.

If you need help finding resources for prenatal or for some other help, please don’t’ hesitate to write back and let us know where you are and how we can help. This will be a great blessing in your life, if you let it.

Take care. Brightest Blessings.

~Xmichra~

Dear Friend,

I'm sure glad that you have some strong values and beliefs instilled. Yes, it's a real good thing because thus far, I have nothing but good feelings about this, especially pregnancy. As well, I'm glad you are being honest with your emotions and seeking counsel, advice, perspective and so on.

First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that you are not the first or last person to go through a pregnancy with apprehension. That is not to say that you don't have a right to your feelings. In fact, if you weren't even little bit scared, I'd think there was a false sense of self. It scared the crap out of me too. I also didn't want to have children, ever. My first pregnancy at the age of 16 was surely not planned and it sure as hell was not wanted. I readily admit this and those feelings. In other words, I am not throwing stones.

The Cynical Young/Old Biddy

In all honesty, I really didn't care too much for children. I've always been a bit cynical. They got on my nerves, especially the undisciplined, spoiled ones or the ones that ruined a simple conversation you might be trying to have in a restaurant with their acting out. No, I was not much into screaming, crying bratty kids who's parents allowed them to run around and act up, thinking they are darlings and can do no wrong. I'm sure I sound like a crabby ass and I may very well be but I have no patience with children who misbehave.

I think I've always been this way, you know, a bit cynical and maybe even a tad bit insensitive when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Even my own Grandkids can get on my last nerve. My oldest grandson will sit next to his Mom and say, over and over, "Mom, Mom, Mom" to get her attention. She tunes him out, almost ignoring him as he jabbers on. But I get pissed at them both. I will get upset with him for saying "Mom" over and over and she upsets me because she ignores him, tunes him out. I can't tune it out, so it makes me crazy. My granddaughter will whine about everything and listens about as well as the family cat. I quickly lose my patience and wish I could tune it all out myself.

I do so apologize for the mini rant. I suppose I am pointing out that I do understand your apprehension in this situation. But as I stated before, I became pregnant at 16 and was not a happy camper about it. As well, I was not "in love" with the father of my children, at that time. Yes, things looked pretty dismal and I almost had the feeling like my life was really screwed up and it was this pregnancy that was screwing it all up. Resentments were there, I must admit. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I was not looking forward to having this baby. I too asked the question, as you have; "Why God? Why me and why with him?"

So, a week before my 17th Birthday, I gave birth to my first son, Lee. Damn if he wasn't cute and I looked into his eyes, as he strained to look into mine and my life was never the same. There and then, I saw my own eyes, in his and the circle of life was evident. I felt complete, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I laughed, I cried but I was scared clueless.

Motherhood is a wonderful thing. It's also the hardest job you'll ever have. You will continue to laugh and you will continue to cry. They will make you smile and break your heart. They will give you meaning but for a time, you will lose your identity. You will trade your name in for the label of "Mom." You might even forget who you were/are?

There are several ways of looking at motherhood and life, in general. The first thing to assimilate is that all things happen for a reason. There's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. All things, including this pregnancy, happen for a reason. As soon as you stop questioning, "Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?" the sooner you will begin to see the reasons behind it all. Then, you will/can find joy in your situation, namely this child. All things happen for a a reason.

Everything is a state of mind. Happiness, freedom, love and motherhood, are all a state of mind. No, everyday is not always peachy keen but I do guarantee some smiles and reason for living along the way.

You have choices in everything, every situation. You can choose to be happy and welcome this child with open arms. Although he is a product of a man you are not in love with, he/she is also a product of yourself. Love thyself and you will and can love your child.

Learn to be grateful for all things good and bad. See, while some people say the glass of water is half full, others say the glass is half empty, right? You must learn to be grateful for the water and not concern yourself as to what's in the glass or how much is there. When you begin to have a grateful attitude, all things will fall into place. When you become grateful for this child, you will then find the joy, the gift within the gift.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., I might possibly suggest seeking counseling for your depression or stepping up your sessions if you've already incorporated counseling. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're having a hard time dealing. The harm is if you allow yourself to go unchecked with unbridled emotion or even the lack of it. Speaking with a trained Therapist is even a good idea. They don't hand you answers but they do help you work through things. As well, they will validate your feelings and emotions as you talk about things. Working towards a healthier you and being good to yourself will allow you to be good to your baby.

* Knowing What’s Best for Baby *

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

dear aunt Babz,

I am wondering what to do about my boyfriend of 6 months, he is to possesive and always suspects that i am upto no good, we are in a long distance relationship so i to some extent understand, when we go out and he a guy looking at me he accuses me that i am involved with the guy,as a result this has always caused us to have major fights and have broken up many times and making up .

He keeps a record of all the fights that we have and he always brings them up. I honestly do not understand what his problem is since he is always trying to find fault with me.

His birthday was last month and i was expecting him home since he had communicated this, i therefore did not send him his gift since i wanted to give it to him in person. He did not take this well and said that the least i should have done was to send him a card.. After we spoke that night he said he will talk to me the next day.

He has kept quiet for over 2 weeks and the other day he sent a text to say that he does not want to be in this relationship any more.

I am dumbfounded and wonders how he could break up because of a simple birthday card.

I have not responded to him and i am honestly thinking that I will not be happy if ii continue to be in this relationship.The problem is I am 3 months pregnant with his baby .Please advice me on what to do.

Thanks

distressed mom to be

Dear Distressed Mom to Be,

I don’t think dumbfounded is an exaggeration on your part… especially since this guy was acting like a class A jerk.

I personally wouldn’t take another second of time wasted on this guy. Control freaks are mental when it comes to not being able to recognize their obsession, and they are way too unpredictable.

You are pregnant, which poses a bit of a question of weather you can make it without him. And I assure you, you can. In fact the worst possible thing you could do (in my opinion) is to let a child come into this distrustful and destructive relationship. See, a guy like this will fly off the handle over a birthday card. What’s going to happen when he has to change a diaper filled over with diarrhea? Or wake up at 3am because the baby is screaming? Or when you need a break and want time away from the house and the baby? I can tell you, it won’t be pretty.

Another point, is that if you guys keep breaking up and getting back together again.. well that is just not going to cut it when there is a child involved. That much instability will affect your child, and honestly isn’t healthy for you either.

If I were you I would cut my ties with this guy romantically and ask him to be a part of your child’s life. He is entitled to that much. But to continue down the road of on again/ off again and tantrums and control… that is way too much hassle for anyone let alone a Mom to be.

Let us know if you need help hooking up with a support group for single Moms, or anything else that we can help you out with okay?

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said...

I tend to agree with Xmichra on this. I would encourage you to cut the ties now, rather than continue in an unhealthy relationship. I've never read real medical documentation but I somehow feel that your child is affected by your demeanor during your pregnancy. If you're constantly scrutinized, picked apart and made to feel badly about yourself, I believe it will not be good for you or your baby.

I also agree with Xmichra, when she told you that you can do this by yourself. No one promises that life will be easy, ever but Happiness is surely a state of mind, my Dear. If you have to live in a small apartment and eat Ramen noodles and fruit till your ship comes in, you will believe and feel you are happy, no matter what. Or because you don't believe you can do this alone, you can force the situation with this guy. Yes, for forever you will have to answer for everything you don't do wrong, all the made up iniquities and insecurities he has and so on. He obviously has a low self-esteem and doesn't feel good about himself.

What I have found is this; When a guy portrays and acts like you are always fooling around, acting like you are fooling around or he is always accusing you of fooling around, I have found that it is almost a window to his own heart and behaviors, right there for the world to see. What I mean is that men like that don't realize it but at least I can see that when they are always accusing you, when you've done nothing to provoke it, you've done nothing really, to make them not trust you, it is a clear cut reflection of how they actually think. They figure since their mentality is to fool around, that you will do the same thing. Think about that. Yes, I'd be willing to place a bet on this one...he will not be faithful.

Cut the ties, move on, raise your baby in a healthy and happy home.

Takes Two To Tango

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a friend...

Who’s pregnant and going thru a lot of problems financially and emotionally. She’s pregnant from her ex husband who she was in the process of divorcing.
She says she still loves him, but really not sure if she’s with him because she loves him or because there is a baby involved.

I feel bad for her. I want to help her with some good advice. I saw her crying today because she says her ex nickel and dimes and it couldn’t be at a worse time. She’s struggling financially and has to answer to him and he never bothers to ask how she’s doing financially.

What should I tell her????

Dear Sonia,

The best thing that you can do for your friend is to just be supportive. Right now she has a lot on her plate with being pregnant and trying to make a relationship work. Never mind the added stress of financing.

Right now, if you were to try and talk her out of being with this guy, I think that you would be the one kicked to the curb, not him. She is likely trying to do what she feels is best for her family, even if she doesn’t think it will work out… she has to try. And this is her lesson to learn unfortunately.

All you can do is ask about her health, keep reassuring her that she is doing the best that she can, and hope that she ends up well (either in this relationship or out of it).

Ultimately she is the one who has to decide what she is going to do… and if you interfere you might end up on her bad side. However, don’t be too afraid to ask normal friend questions either (like how they are doing, if she feels it’s working out, etc) because these conversations will help her speak her mind… and possibly to change it too.

All of us make mistakes, and sometimes things work out for the best. So just keep supporting your friend, and let her know how amazing you think she is.

Aunt Babz Said...

I agree with Xmichra, you must be careful, as she's got mixed emotions and you don't really want to be more than supportive. What I mean is if you hand her, your opinion, she may throw it at you. I'm not saying that this is what she will do, but it is possible. If the subject is brought up, I would tell her she needs to be more assertive and state her needs. It's within her right to ask him for help, as he is the Father. Of course, the law states otherwise, until they can conduct DNA testing, then he most certainly will be held accountable. But morally, he knows she needs help, he knows the child is his. She must make a stand and state her needs. It takes two to Tango and last I knew, it took a man and a woman, in sexual union, to impregnate a woman. She needs to take away that sense of guilt she's wearing and realize, that he was there for the making part of this baby and he needs to be there for the financial part. Throw away the guilt and you have the cold hard facts, as I said before; It takes two to Tango.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 yrs old and I am 8 months pregnant. I caught my husband on the internet looking at porn sites and it totally devastated me. I dont understand what you can get out of looking at pictures. This made me feel real insecure, I feel like is that what he wants because I sure dont look like those girls on the site. And if that is what he wanted why did he marry me? I asked him why and he just says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he'll never do it again, But it isnt the first time this has happened and I dont know how to deal with it, It has really put me in a depression. Everytime I see I pretty girl I hate her, I feel like she is ruining my marriage even though I know she isnt and I hate feeling this way. Please Help me....

Confused

Dear Confused,

You're not alone, when it comes to your man looking at porn, just to let you know. A lot of men/husbands look and watch. I was and felt the same way. As well, I do believe there's a larger group of us, who just don't care for our men looking/ogling at porn.

Recently, I had a friend who's husband went to a Strip Club with all his buddies. She was 8 months pregnant and I'm sure you can relate to all that she told me, as to how she felt. I spoke with her at length, to get to the bottom of it all.

For starters, when we are pregnant, we don't often feel that glow, people say we have. You get to a point, where you feel more like a beached whale, than a woman having a baby. You're already feeling vulnerable, concerning your own appearance. You get to a point where you no longer feel sexy, much less desirable. So, how can you compete with those young girls with their perky breasts and high -n- tight tiny hiney? You begin to view those girls that dress rather teasingly as your own demise, a threat, those little sluts, huh? Well, again, you are not alone.

Even those of us, who aren't pregnant, feel the sting of the scantily clad. Those girls are not representative of what's real, you know the ones in the magazines and porns. The girls in the porno mags are airbrushed, as well, in the movies, they can digitally make them next to perfect. No one can compete with that. No one.

It's a double edged sword, this so called equality, we have as women. We fought for all the wrong things, we really did and in this sexual revolution, ushered in, in the 70's, we've gone from bad to worse. Why do I say this?

In an age where women are getting all this plastic surgery, it puts undue pressure on those of us, that are, "a la natural." Once again, we can't compete with that which is fake.Unfortunately, this mind set and behavior will continue, until we, as women change it. I don't see it happening, anytime soon. But what can you do about you?

I think hubby needs a little dose of perspective. He needs to understand how it feels, to be in your shoes. I assume you two, planned this child together? It takes two to Tango, does it not? He must pull his weight, in every way possible. But in order for you to get this from him, you must take away any resentment.

I've always said, "Men are just boys in big clothing." Now, I am not a feminist and it's never been, "I am woman, hear me roar," either. But men and women are different and quite often, it comes down to making your man understand, just what's what. I won't call it training but coaxing. Your hubby needs to be coaxed to do right by you.

They sell porn, it's on the Internet, it's just about everywhere you turn. There is a demand for it, or they'd gone out of business, a long time ago, right? So hubby sees that all the other guys are looking, why can't he? I'll bet he's thinking this, right now. He needs perspective, coaxing so he can let go of that resentment. Yes, it's there, guaranteed.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

He must try to understand, how you feel right now. I'm quite sure, he tells you he loves you, every day, huh? But there is a difference between love and desire. He would probably tell you that he desires you too, right? But you don't feel very desirable right now and he could tell you, till he's blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Now, this is not his fault, that you don't feel desirable, now is it? But it's a fact of life, a rite of passage, for a mother. Things change, the variables change, your body changes. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever be or feel the same. You must adapt but that does not mean you must bow down to what you dislike or find offensive.

A Dose of Perspective

You must put all this, in terms your man will understand. You must help him to feel what you are feeling. Try to explain to him, calmly, what it is like, when you feel like a baby making machine, then a Mom and not the young and desirable woman, he once lusted for. Don't lecture him. No, we must make him understand but put the resentment aside. You will both become resentful, if you can't calmly allow him to feel what you are feeling. You must make him understand how it would feel if he caught you looking at porn.

How would he feel, if he purposely had to gain weight? Would the girls look at him? What if he shaved his head? I mean some guys can sport that look, while others look absurd. But I say this for a reason; how would he feel about himself, if through no fault of his own, he was suddenly fat and bald? I mean like, he wakes up one morn and then, he looks in the mirror and he sees himself and thinks, "Eeeeeew!" He then walks in, feeling less than and you are watching some built guy, bulging with muscles with a big, you know what (bigger than his) and it's very apparent that you are purposely looking at it. It wasn't an accident, you went to that site, for a reason. How would he feel? No you didn't fool around but it feels like you might as well have cause he feels betrayed. He feels like he doesn't trip your trigger anymore cause if he did, why in hell would you feel the need to look at that? So, now he's standing there feeling like you must not love him anymore and at the very least, he's not desirable? You must make him understand.

Flip The Coin

The other half of our realization here, is that if we don't want our man to shop at another store, we must know the nature of the beast and embrace the facts. Men are hardwired differently than women. They think about sex more, this is a statistical fact, I'm sure you could bear witness? What the hell are you saying, Babz?

I'm telling you to always be aware of the fact that, your man is an animal and you must feed the animal. You may have to work at it. You may have to give a little more of yourself. Don't just get pissed off at him, look at his nature and try to understand it. Yes, he's a Lion, capable of being savage. It was a savage act, for him to look at the porn but just like a lion eats raw red meat, raw feelings are there and you must understand this. You must know how to master the Beast.

You will not be pregnant forever. These feelings of inadequacy will subside and you will begin to feel like your old self. Right now, I'm sure you're Hyper-Sensitive to the subject and the impact of it all cuts a bit deeper. I have the feeling that you don't care for him, looking at porn in the first place but right now, is sure as hell, not a choice time for him to make that mistake. Put the shoe, on the other foot for him and make him see.

At the same time, you guys have been married 14 years. I imagine that you had some magic/chemistry there. Ask yourself, if you quit working at the marriage? Did you take things for granted? I mean he needs to ask himself the same question. I am not pointing the finger at either of you. I am simply saying that, although you can love each other, is the lust and desire gone? He'll deny it, ya know. But there are things, you can do, to keep him coming back for more.

As I said before, you're almost done with the pregnancy thing. This sensitivity may subside a bit but, I feel you must come to grips with who you are and where you want to be. No, you'll never be the young woman you once were. You could make yourself sick, just thinking about it. I went through this myself and I know how you feel. It's enough to piss off a preacher, when you see some young girl, walking around with the top of her thong, clearly showing, purposely sticking out of her pants or sweats or whatever. Yea, your husband is going to look and yea, he might even think it's sexy. Facts of Life.

You can't change how he thinks, even if he looks. You can control, if he acts upon things. Put it into perspective, as to how it feels, for you, especially right now. But do your part to keep him thinking about you. Do your part to blow his mind and trip his trigger. Yes, men have fantasies but if what you're doing is real, he'll think about that first. Go that extra distance to be a dirty girl, in bed. Take control and pretend you're at the rodeo. Ride 'em Cowgirl!

Looking for Rhyme and Reason

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi Aunt B,
I am in real turmoil. I am 38, have my own company, successful and attractive ("they" say). I have fallen head over heels for a guy who I met a year and a half ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off when we first met, same interests, job understanding and that thing we call chemistry was was really strong. He ended it with me very quickly back then because his recently former girlfriend got sick and needed him. He chose to go back to her. Let me say, he is honest and upfront- not a player, and I have had many of those, so I know. He lives in NJ and I live in MA so it wasn't like I was right there to fight for it. His last words to me then were, "I know our paths will cross again, I have got to be there for her, she was there for me when my dad died"- I cried for 3 months. I know how hard it is to find a connection out there and I was heartbroken that the connection from him was cut so short. Fast forward to this March...I sent him a random text to say I was thinking of him and hoped all was well. Our mutual friend has always kept me in the loop with him. In fact, he has said that he thinks we would end up together and that he always asked about me...blah blah blah. He responded right away to the text and said how he had been thinking of me so much and we continued texting very randomly over the next months. I let him know I would be in NYC on business- he called- asked me to a black tie event and said he really wanted to see me. I had my friends apartment in the city to myself and was there for 3 nights...he stayed with me and we had the time of our life....chatted till 4 am every night - talked about "her" and how he had not seen her in 3 months and that it was over. He took me to amazing restaurants and was a total gentleman- we slept in the same bed but didn't get "physically intimate" for those 3 nights. He than asked me to come back to NY for the weekend to stay with him at his home in NJ. I did. I don't even have the adjectives to describe the time we had. He described it as "a gift" a second chance- and was open with me about his feelings and wanting to move forward with us...he said he never felt this way with anyone before- I felt the same. It was easy and it felt so right. When I got home, we made plans for the immediate future to spend time in MA where I live etc...THEN- I get the call...he's in tears, voice shaking...he says his ex - yes her, called to let him know she was 3 months pregnant ! I fell to the floor. I wished I was her, and thats what I told him. He is in a state of disbelief, not sure what to do. He is now visiting family out of the country for a week to "soul search". I have received a few "thinking of you" and "wish you were here" texts. I told him before he left that I was in this with him if he wanted me to be. He was sick over the fact that I don't deserve this pain- feels guilty for causing it. The big picture seems dark. I hate that she is carrying his child....its all I ever wanted for myself. What would you do if you were me? Should I hang on and hope he choses love over obligation? My life feels like it is on hold. I also feel like God is playing a cruel joke on me. I am able to function but every minute seems like hours. HELP.




Dear Friend,

Wow!I can only imagine what you are going through? Life can seem so sad, so cruel but I think there is hope for your situation. It will take some work, honesty and understanding. But first, before anything else, I recommend that you pray for wisdom. I also pray for my wisdom, as I do with every letter I get, that as I answer it, I may be help and not a hindrance. We are treading on old school obligation and matters of the heart.

I feel you are extremely understanding and have been. I want you to succeed in your happiness but of course, you'll never want to stand in his way, doing what he feels he needs to do. What I mean by that is the fact that he may also be old school. Not that long ago, if you got a girl pregnant, you married her. Things have changed but for some, they still have those values and beliefs, deeply ingrained.That's why we need complete, unadulterated, honesty here.

My first impression or assumption from your letter, is that this fella is one of a kind, a good guy, one of those, a rare breed, that still wears a white hat. I also feel, that he had deep feelings, for this girl/woman. He may not have been "in love" with her after a certain period of time but he had "a love" for her. There is, of course, a difference. I think he is "in love" with you and not with her but has a deep sense of obligation as he stood by her side, when she needed him. That is an honorable trait. But he need not be a martyr, nor do you have to be.

This is where the total honesty comes into play. I think you need to state your needs and desires, to be with him and not feel selfish for having said it. In all actuality, you have had a whirlwind romance, twice but you do not have an in depth history. This is why, you must give him that opportunity for moving on and a come what may, attitude.You must realize that he may be torn between loving you and doing the right thing, in his mind. Being open about this is something you will be able to sleep with.

I think, he needs to realize, that he can be there for her but be with you. Playing the martyr, as I mentioned before, may be regrettable for you both. He would have stayed with her, if he was in love, I do believe and that's only obvious. But I think he can serve his obligation to his child, be with you and keep an open line of communication with her, at all times. But to run to her, simply because she is pregnant, may not be the answer. I imagine he would marry her, which would surely be a hurt piece, you probably don't want to observe. But for him to marry her and stay in a regrettable relationship, out of obligation, may be the mistake of a lifetime.

Unhappiness and feeling "stuck" in a marriage, does and will reflect on the child. Children are highly intuitive and receptive. They sense when things are not right and we often think they are oblivious, when they are actually right on top of what's going on. That in itself, it something he must consider. A marriage written, in the name of obligation, with no love, is surely a farce and the days of arranged marriages are long gone. That may, very well be, what it would be like.

I almost suggest, that you have him read this. He will see another view point and it will not be as if you had ulterior motives, a selfish agenda. I say this because, if you go to him and say the same things I just said, he may see you as a selfish woman grasping at straws, which you are not. You are a woman in love and I would be willing to bet that, if he decided to go back to her, doing "the right thing" you would be crushed but you would bow out gracefully. I am right,huh? I don't think you have a true, out and out, selfish bone in your body. I believe you do not want to hurt anybody, least of all him or his child. But you are a woman in love with a guy who is probably, your soul mate. Yes, I do believe in the premise that there is no such thing as coincidence, magic or luck, only Divine Destiny.The sooner we realize this, the sooner we see things in a different light, a different perspective. When we adopt this way or outlook on life, we see that every single thing happens for a reason. We meet people for a reason and things, sometimes bad things, happen for a reason. We see that it is a test, sometimes the ultimate test. And instead of saying, "Why me?" we say, "OK, what am I supposed to learn from this." We can then, choose to learn from the experience. You are both being tested, so what is the test for or about and what do you gain or learn from the situation? Of course, I could already point out several answers to that very question but I want you to ask it, of yourself . It's too late to turn back the hands of time and what's done is done. Now, it comes down to what you choose to do with all of this; live and learn.

You met this wonderful guy for a reason. This child was conceived for a reason and you have all these feelings and are going through this, for a reason. Search your soul, for that reason.

As I mentioned before, I think complete honesty, is called for. You tell him that you care enough to walk away but you are willing to share his life, to a certain extent and allow him to keep the doors of communication open, concerning his son, whoops, his child. You tell him, that you are willing to put your jealousy's or whatever, aside, in the best interest of his child. He can meet his child's financial interests and have a close relationship with that child. By you making it clear that he can have the best of both worlds and a semblance of happiness, you will not exude a semblance of selfishness but reality, an actuality, a way of life. You will do your part by accepting his child into your world and add this child into the integral part of your life.

See, you have to make omissions here too. It is a tall order for you to share this man, in a sense with the child's mother and to be kind and loving step-mother, to this child. If you can't do that, you sure as hell, need to back up and walk away. But I feel, you are not that kind of woman and I'd be willing to bet, that you would inexplicably, love this child, as one of your own. This child could have the best of both worlds and a good life because he is loved by you, his father and his mother and everybody is happy, not forced, into a god forsaken situation.

This was, difficult for me to write. I wrestle with old school values, too. But in looking at the whole situation, I think it is in the best interest of the child, for everyone to be in a healthy, loving relationship. The child will flourish, under those conditions.

On a personal level, I can tell you, that doing things out of obligation, can breed resentment, even in the healthiest, most stable person. I married, out of obligation, I was pregnant at 16 and it was a life altering mistake. I grew to love my husband but... I was never "in love" with him. We grew apart and we fought constantly. Don't you know, my children, my beautiful sons, suffered for my choices.

My suggestion, is for that wonderful guy, who has so captured your heart, for you, to have him, read this. He'll know, then, that you only want, what's best for everyone involved and that you are woman enough to do the right thing, if that's what he chooses. I think it would be regrettable, if he did not follow his heart.

It's actually so simple. See, the secret to life is love, laughter and family. If you value these things and seek, these things and happiness, you are a brighter spirit, your life, your love will grow. By misconstruing obligation, with what will make, love, laughter and family flourish, well, it may be a grave mistake.

Yes, he made a mistake, this guy, you love so dearly. If he was not ready for a child, he should have taken precaution, right? But we all live in the moment and sex is probably one of the biggest items in that moment. As I said, we can not turn back the hands of time, we can only learn from it. It is another piece of the puzzle, that which is your life, his life. When you take that piece and put it into the puzzle, "The Big Picture," you begin to see, rhyme and reason. You learn from it and when you do, it is no longer a mistake but a "Learning Experience." You then try to live, without regret and the reason for your life, as well as his, becomes clearer. You met for a reason. You are going through this, for a reason and you love him, for a reason.

Simplify this, as I said before, by taking the complexity out of the equation. Doing the right thing is following your heart, not jumping back into a unhappy situation. Everyone suffers for it, most of all, the child involved. Know that you must embrace his situation and his child and make it clear that, you will love this child as one of your own.

I have every confidence, that you are capable of all this and you have the knowledge, that he has some "baggage," he brings to the table. I am not referring to this child as baggage but the whole kit and kaboodle, the whole shot. This can and will work, if everyone looks at things in the aspect of what is best, for the child and not some dumb idea or what, oh my God will the Jones' say. He can give his name, to the child, on the Birth Certificate and he can represent his financial obligation. You can both continue on in a happy life and in turn, that child will not suffer for bad choices. Now, isn't that what it's all about?

Dream Wreckers

This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,

My friend has a boyfriend and she is not on the pill or anything so when they have sex, they use a condom always. Well she decided she wanted to get pregnant with him so what she did was, right after they had sex and he wrapped up the condom with the semen in it, she went and took it out of the garbage while he was in the bathroom and put the semen inside her. Then the next day they had sex same thing she took the condom and took a tampon and stuck it in the condom to cover it with semen and then inserted it inside her. I have never heard of anyone doing this, I know semen dies quickly but this she said was still wet and still clearly alive because it was within 10 minutes that she put it in herself. I was just speechless and had no advice no anything to say to her because from what I heard from her, I don't see how she wouldn't be able to get pregnant....please any advice would be great because I'm trying to help her but I'm not doing a very good job...I know you cant tell me for sure or not but I would just like some advice to tell her please let me know your thoughts. I have tried writing to sites similar to this many times and they either didn't respond or haven't helped at all. Thanks...



Dear Friend,

This is such a sad story and it really conjures up a lot of emotion. I truly give you credit for seeking counsel on this matter. This is a very serious situation, with even more possible consequences. I hope we can find something or someway to bring about a change or perspective on this.

I realize this is a very sticky situation. From your letter, I see that this is a friend, someone you must be close with or they probably would not have divulged this secret. I can also imagine that you are a bit reserved as to how to handle this. On one hand, you don't want to hurt your friend, her feelings or overstep your boundaries. This is surely a friendship test, if I ever saw one.

OK, let's nip this in the bud from the start; Yes, your friend can get pregnant.

I do not know it all, so I researched this, (even if I think I do). But it is part common sense and I believed she could but I wanted to be certain and have medical fact to back up my hypothesis. Here are a few links, just in case you may question my judgment, on this. Basically, it's called Artificial Insemination. Those two words, should speak volumes. Done in this manner, they are cold, unfeeling and planned. I call it unscrupulous and it is not natural. Deception and cold-hearted, also come to mind. She is taking a natural act of his love and distorting it. Remember the word...Karma.


Definition Artificial Insemination

IVI At Home

Artificial Insemination, when done in conjunction with your Doctor and when it is planned, by a loving couple, can be a beautiful thing.
Just from my own research, I would say, while it is harder for her to become pregnant this way, it is a real possibility. But I really want to address this, actually common situation and conspiracy. I do hope that you will read the rest of this post and I hope you will copy this or show this to your friend. This is one of the biggest things or best you could do for your friend; a dose of reality and honesty... My own son son, my youngest, had his life completely changed by an act, similar to this one. They were both 17 and in love. A***** was ready to run away and my son approached me about her moving in with us. Her Mom would allow it and almost encouraged it as they had not been getting along for quite some time. I knew they had been sexually active. I had let him know, I did not condone his sexual conduct and spoke with him about the possibilities. I made the concession that if she went on birth control and he knew she was taking it, I would agree, to her moving in. They both agreed, she went to the Clinic and began her Birth Control pills. I considered this the lesser of two evils. As the months wore on, my son was not exactly the best or most attentive boyfriend as he still wanted to go out with his buddies and she wanted him home. I always liked A***** and she was a very attractive, beautiful girl. I imagine, my son was too young to be in such a serious relationship and I can't say he was wrong but I can't say he was right, either. I found out, later, that A***** had cooked up an idea, one she thought would bring them closer. She decided for whatever reason, to stop taking the birth control. She wanted to become pregnant. When they had first got together, when she moved in, my son watched her take the pill and would remind her to take it, per my wishes. He became lax about it and she knew this. She just stopped taking it and she became pregnant. Had she not confessed her inner emotions to a friend, I would have believed her when she said that she had been taking the pill religiously. She would have been lying of course but I would have just figured that it was another statistic, another story of someone getting pregnant on the pill. It does happen and it would have been believable. She gave birth to my first Granddaughter, Kassandra. This was a tumultuous time in my life and not an easy time for my son, as well. But Kassandra was so beautiful. We soon found out she had *Cystic Fibrosis and my Grandbaby was so sick. I don't know the schematics of why their relationship fell apart but it did. She became very mean and nasty and eventually forbid my son, as well as myself, to have anything more to do with her or the baby.She was using the baby against us. Now, let me make it clear that I was not the ideal Grandma, at that time. Kassandra was born, just a short time after I became clean from Heroin, nine years ago.A***** only knows me as a heroin addict and I can't blame her for her animosity towards me. Even if I have changed, I can't make her see this, especially since we have no idea where she is. I heard she is in Arizona, which makes it extremely hard to find her, much less build a relationship. Because Kassandra has special needs, she had huge Medical bills. My son is responsible for those bills. He has had his wages garnished every since 1998. Yes, he is responsible for this child and has never tried to get out of paying that money.But there was a point where he was living off of $300 a month, after they took out a huge chunk of child support from his paycheck. I love my Granddaughter and she is at the top of my prayers, every single night. It is painful to know that I have a 9 year old granddaughter out there, who has my eyes but is so sick her life span is marked at 28 years old. Life is not fair, I know this but some of our choices make it worse. My son was not ready to be a father and she made that decision for him. Then again, every time you have sex, you are flirting with the possibility and it becomes a situation I like to call, "You wanna play, you might just pay." I'd also known, personally, the story of the man who went to Prison for life, when he shot the woman that did a similar thing. He thought she was on birth control but she purposely became pregnant. They'd fought the whole pregnancy, arguing about anything and everything. He wanted her to have an abortion and she refused. I do not agree with abortion, either, but I do not like entrapment and what she had done was wrong. After their child was born, they had continued to fight every day. The very last argument they had, she was telling him she was leaving. She gave the confession that she had become pregnant on purpose but she was going to "take him to the cleaners. I'll own your paycheck!," she shouted. He shot her dead, right there, right then. An end to a tragic story. Actually, that was not the end of that horrible story. The child had to be placed in foster care as neither had family, that could take care of the newborn. That child was bounced from foster home to foster home and is now, still a ward of the state. The truest victim is that child who has suffered for the selfishness of it's mother and father both.That child had no choice but both parents did. Yes, your friend can do this and get pregnant. But it is girls/women like this that scare the hell out of me. To knowingly, on purpose, deceptively get pregnant without the consent of your sexual partner, should be a crime. It is morally wrong and nothing good can come of it. Does she take into account that he obviously does not want to have a child? I know guys; they hate wearing condoms and say it's like having sex with your socks on and they can't feel it. I know, that they do not wear condoms, unless, it is for a valid reason. They only wear them, if they feel they have to. Has your friend thought this through? Not to mention, the fact, that it may be the single one thing that drives them apart. Has she thought, if he leaves, is she going to go after him for child support? Will he freely pay it or will they end up garnishing his wages? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to the child? I have to say, in this day and age, throwing your child in daycare, is the biggest hurt piece there is. To trust a stranger to show love, caring and nurturing to your child is a less than easy thing to do. Has she considered that diapers don't grow on trees and she will have to work to pay for that and more? That baby, she so desperately wants, will have to be taken care of by a stranger, unless she is fortunate enough to have family to help her.There are just so many things that can go wrong, so many variables to think about and I think a lot of people do not think it through before they choose to have children. If you are not ready to have children and I am talking about this possibility for the man and woman, that child can be resented. Whether you mean to or not, in the back of your mind, you look at the child as missed opportunity and a change in your life, you were not ready to go through. You then show resentment, maybe a lack of patience and true animosity. Motherhood and Parenthood should be a wonderful planned time and approach to life. Our divorce rate is sky-high and I'd be willing to bet, that the number one argument couples who broke up had, was a concern of or lack thereof, of money. It takes a huge chunk of change to pay for a child from birth to college. It takes gumption to put food on the table and do without all those frills to raise a child. It takes sacrifice that some are not willing to give. People work because they want things; cash, nice cars, clothes, a nice home, jewelry and just stuff. When they can't have it, they often become frustrated and begin to look at what is keeping them from having it. They just might see that it's the kids that are keeping them from their dreams. They then begin the concept of looking at their own children as the "Dream Wreckers." Believe it or not, that is a natural or possibly human response. It may not be right but a valid emotion. The question is then; what do they do with that "emotional epiphany?" Some, will be able to work through those emotions. Some will not. Some will take it out on the children in the form of physical or verbal abuse. Some will withdraw and not give emotion. Some will deduce and do without, see that it is their lot in life but remain emotionally detached. There are just so many bad variables that can happen, especially when you are young and not ready to have children. In the infinite end, it is the children who pay, for the lack of moral and sensible judgment of their parents. It is the children who may pay for the insensitivity of a Mom who chose without the consent of her partner to have children. It's not only morally wrong, it's a down right outrage and a dumbass thing to do. Having children, should be a joyous occasion. Their giggles and the laughter can not be matched with anything that could possibly bring you happiness. But the whole baby making thing is taken too lightly. We have children, only to throw them into daycare and as soon as possible, we make them into "Latch Key Kids," coming home to an empty home, entertained by T.V. and Internet, Video Games and completely unsupervised. Then, we can't understand why they get into trouble and we question their choice of friends? Why do we do this? We want it all, the Great American Dream. But that dream has become distorted with our selfish habits and our want for all things BIG. Our children suffer for this and I see it every day. Having children is a huge undertaking and you need both parents or perspective parents, on the same page, working in conjunction with the idea to bring your children up with good values and beliefs. How can we teach them, these traditions and the basic values, if we are at work all the time? We work so hard to have the big house, big car, big appliances, big jewelry, big, big, big!

Your friend is playing with someone else's destiny and I don't think very many people would disagree with me that it is wrong. She needs to re-think this and the possible bad things that could come from it. When you do dirt, you get dirt. When you are deceptive, you will be deceived. My own best friend, Mz.Karma Bitchslap, will be sure to visit her. I hope you share this with her and I hope she sees, the potential life changing damage it could cause. Be her friend by sharing this with her. Be strong and show her this post and then stand in front of the mirror, knowing you have done a good thing. Sleep well! You used to be able to live on love...not anymore. ~~~~

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email from the author of this letter;

Thank you so much for your response, it really helps me out a lot, and I

will definitely show her what you had to say. Thanks again.

w******

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*Definition of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) is a chronic, progressive and genetic (inherited) disease of the body's exocrine (mucus producing) glands which affects approximately 30,000 children and adults in the United States. Description of Cystic Fibrosis Cystic fibrosis (CF) primarily affects the respiratory, digestive and reproductive systems, as well as the sweat glands. The mucus secreted is very thick and blocks passageways in the lungs and digestive tracts. Cystic fibrosis is transmitted to a child when both parents carry the recessive gene but do not have the disease. When such a couple has children, there is a 25 percent chance that one of their children will develop cystic fibrosis; there is a 50 percent chance that the child will carry the gene, but will not have the disease; and a 25 percent chance that the child will be totally unaffected. Cystic fibrosis is the most common fatal hereditary disorder for Caucasians in the U.S. About 1 in 2500 Caucasians are affected, and more than 10 million people (one in 31 Americans; one in 28 Caucasians) is an unknowing, symptomless carrier of the defective gene. The average lifespan of a person affected with CF is between 28 and 30 years of age. As with any "average" this means that some with this disease now live well beyond this age. With the introduction of medications and drainage procedures, children with CF, who years ago would have died before reaching adulthood, are now often living into mid-adulthood and beyond. The cause of death in CF patients is usually respiratory tract infections or respiratory distress, coupled with enlargement of the right side of the heart (cor pulmonale).