"The Cause"

Dear Aunt B,

Here is my story. I come from a large family, 10 children, I have 6 sisters and three brothers, minus 1 brother who passed a few years ago. My Dad is also gone. My Mom is in her mid 80's and lives in my sister's multi family home on the first floor with another sister. My sister who owns the home, lives upstairs with her husband. She has 5 kids, and all but one are out of the house. This sister has grand kids she minds and holds a job. The sister who lives with Mom is the primary caretaker for her and also has a part time job. Everyone else does not live in this town, but we do all live in the same State. Every week, Mon., Tues, Thurs, and Friday, 4 of us girls take turns spending at least part of the day with Mom, Weds., we don't have anyone that can do it so she usually stays in alone ( but my other sister is right upstairs if she needs anything; and she usually stops in several times throughout the day). I should also mention that Mom has full mental competence. She is a little weak and uses a walker in the house to get around and a cane outside. She has heart problems but is doing very well with medication.Recently she has been back and forth to the Doctors for some health complaints. When she has to go, someone other than the sister who lives with her takes her to her appointments and also picks up all her prescriptions because that sister does not have a car. We also take her shopping and to any other appointments or family events. Here is the problem. The sister who lives with my Mom feels like she is doing so much more than everyone else and has shut her self off from the rest of us. She has voiced her frustration to me in the past and I have told her that I would help out more if she would just tell me what I could do that would help her out. She said she didn't know but I thought she just didn't want to tell me, so I offered up some suggestions. I said I could stay overnight one night a week, and help out but she said no, because then my mother would think that she was a burden to her and she wouldn't want that. I offered to stay for a weekend with my Mom and told her to take some time off by herself. Again she said no, that my Mom would wonder where she was going and feel that she was a burden to her. Then I asked her what else can I do and she said, there's nothing anyone can do and she looked so down. I'm not sure if she is feeling bad about being overwhelmed with my Mom or just sad about not having a life of her own. She doesn't have any friends and is not married and has no children. She has always lived at home and can't afford her own place. I think in some ways we all felt that because she lives there that is why she would do more. Believe me, we all see my Mom a lot. There is always some family event that we are going to where we pick my Mom up and take her to. With the exception of one brother and one sister, the other 7 of us are pretty active in her life. One sister takes Mom to Foxwoods once a month and Mom usually stays over her house. ( We would all let Mom take turns staying with us more often but she prefers to sleep in her own bed).We don't do the bathing and the personal care because my sister who lives with Mom has been doing it and Mom seems comfortable with her and also she does it at night. We know that my sister takes on a lot and we are very appreciative of her and tell her very often. Me and her were extremely close and she could talk to me about anything and share her frustrations in the past but recently she has just shut us all out. The rest of us are also trying to hold down jobs and take care of our own house and families too. Please don't even mention that we get outside help or consider a nursing home because these are out of the question. It would have to be something else. I have talked to some of my other siblings and they are willing to do more but how can we when we can't even communicate with her and she doesn't want Mom to know that she is overwhelmed? I am also concerned because I know that my Mom is aware of what's going on because when we are with her at her home and my sister is there she usually stays in her room with the door closed. I have knocked on her door and asked her to please let me in to talk about this but she told me to go away. Mom has been complaining about not feeling well and we had to bring her into the hospital again for observation. The doctors say that they can't find anything wrong with her and I think it might be stress. Every time Mom has to go into the hospital my sister who lives with her gets really upset with us all. She feels that when Mom comes home that she is left with her and we all get to go home, and she is left with the stress that something might happen to her or that she won't get any sleep worrying about her. But if we offer to stay, she doesn't want that either! Please help! What can we do?

Thank you,

Anonymous




Dear Anonymous,

Wow! What a multifaceted and frustrating situation. I see why you are having such a hard time with this. As well, I can see exactly what's happening. Several things appear to be going on here but it will be hard to pin this down. The variables are quite complex. I think we can decipher this, it's just a matter of putting it into words.

It seems to me that everyone is trying to pull his or her weight. It is really self evident that your family dynamics are really wonderful, kind of old school. I can see things are the way it should be when concerning the care and compassion pertaining to taking care of an elderly parent. I would hope and pray that my own children cared enough to do and behave the same way.

What I believe is going on does not have a quick and easy answer.The sister that lives with Mom has vented her frustration and I can see that you've done what you could, within your power to accommodate her. The situation with her is that she feels she has basically given up her life to help with Mom. In many ways, she has given up her life, time and effort because she feels no one can take better care of your Mom, better than her.

The thing is though, her position, well, it's similar to someone painting themselves into a corner. Now, they are painting away, doing the job, doing it rather well but no one told them to take that direction, even though it is apparent they are getting the job done. Who should they be mad at, at that very moment that they see that they are in a corner and it feels there's no escape?

Your sister is upset because she feels she has sacrificed everything for "The Cause." In truth she has pretty much given up all plans, you know the every day comings & goings, trappings, that we all do and participate in that make up what life is on that every day basis. What I mean is she quit making plans or attending to friends or even making new friends because in her mind she is locked into her situation. She also believes that no one can do her job as well as she does. Now, this might very well be true because she knows that your Mom does not trust anyone like she does your sister. The whole sense of enmeshmentcan not be helped.

If the truth were known, I get the sense that your sister, after painting herself into the corner, tends to use it so she does not have to commit to anything else. Now, call me crazy but I feel in many ways she feels much like a Martyr for The Cause. While her stance is commendable and what she does for your Mom requires so much of her, fostering the idea that she is trapped and painted into a corner is somewhat a state of mind.

I think you had approached it all the best way you knew how. For further reference, you might begin to make her aware that she needs to begin to get out more, make plans for outside activities, make new friends. I know you said you've tried to talk to her but she stays safe behind closed doors. We'll have to work around that.

More/Most importantly, she must know that she does not have to shoulder all of this. I know and you know that she does not need to be the primary caretaker for your Mom, yet she feels she does and is. In many respects, she feels overwhelmed and exasperated, yet she holds the key, in her mind to your Mom's well being and daily care.This is true in many degrees I mean you even stated that it is your sister that does the daily "private" things for your Mom. This affords your Mom some sort of dignity you know, not being passed around, especially when it comes to those private matters. Again, this is commendable.

I think the only answer that might be reasonable is for you to write her a letter and push it under the door. In the letter, you let her know that she has got to know how much, if no one else says it, that you appreciate her. Tell her you think everyone feels the same way about this and there are not enough thank you's in the world to cover the situation.

Let her know that you are aware of her frustration and it is understandable. Tell her that you feel she needs to begin to get her own life back on track and you want to help with that transition.

I would speak to the rest of the family and get them on board with this understanding as well. Again, I can see that all of you seem to be on the same page, concerning Mom. I have the feeling that although Mom could be fussy and strict at times, you guys adore her. You not only love her but like her as well. It speaks out loud for itself, just how important she is to you all. I imagine that there is no greater honor...

However, I think that Mom is not as fragile as we think and your sister needs to put things into perspective. She must get out of that corner, allow others to help more and basically stop persecuting herself for the common good of The Cause.

Now, I hope you are aware and hear what I am saying. You must relay to your sister that it's time for a change. Tell her that it's rather obvious that she's not happy. Then, you give her permission to feel this way by letting her know she has every right in the world to have these emotions.

I think quite frankly that there's a side of your sister that carry's enormous guilt because she wants more from life. One side is quite resentful because of that corner she's painted into while the other tells her she has no right and is a horrible daughter for feeling this way. You assure her that she is not, that you all understand and again, it's time for a change. Remind her that this, her situation is not forever, you want to help alter and usher in this transformation. Let her know that none of this is forever, be patient as it's only for a season.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S. You could attach a copy of this to your letter. Maybe, just maybe she'd see that you care enough to have written me looking for some/any answer. I pray she will receive this all well and in the spirit it was written. Selah




Dear Anonymous,

It is very hard to deal with a Martyr, and that is what your sister is. She isn’t doing it to be a bitch, simply put she holds an enormous amount of guilt if she can not hold up her part of the responsibilities of things. Problem with that, is she will always feel that she has to shoulder more responsibility than anyone else, and she will resent all the others for it. Maybe with something’s, you are not seeing the full picture because you do not live there, but it does sound like you are all trying to do your part.

All you can do is reassure your sister that if she needs anything that you are all there for her, and that you have told her this numerous times. Maybe go one step further and just tell her you are going to spend some time with your mom on say, a Friday night, and you will be staying over. So if she wanted to make plans or not, it’s her choice. But then no matter if she stays or not.. You need to stay, to prove that you will do this for her if she would just take the chance to live a little.. And maybe if you show no signs of budging she will go for a walk or read a book, or do something on her own and get some relax time.

When you live with an ageing parent it is difficult to do anything else yourself, even if there are hands to help. Because you always feel like it is your obligation.. and that other siblings will feel that way as well because you live at home. It is a huge amount of pressure, and it gets hard to deal with when you feel guilt over a task that “should” be looked at as giving your love. But looking after someone 7 days a week is much different than doing your daily drop in. Not that you are doing anything wrong, or that I am belittling your visits. But do you understand why she might feel like she carries the weight?

Hopefully you can sit and talk about this... and if that doesn’t work, that you can lull her into some alone time like i said above.

Good luck,

~Xmichra.

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Silver Lining

Hi Aunt B;

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are thrilled and decided to share the news with our families last week. We respectfully asked them to keep the news quiet until the 12th week had passed. After having suffered a miscarriage a few of months ago, we did not feel comfortable sharing the news with just anyone until the 1st trimester was over. We honestly didn't think this would be an issue, and so far, it's been nothing but problems!

No one is respecting our wish to keep this quiet and many of the people that my husband and I had hoped to tell now know. We're both pretty private people and if we lost this baby, we know it would be difficult for us to have to talk about with people other than family.

We're regretting having ever told anyone but we also know that had we waited three months to tell them, they would have been hurt. Now it's my husband and I who are left feeling betrayed and hurt that our family has not allowed us to share our news when we were ready to! We both understand that they're all very excited as well, however, we both feel that this is our news to share with the people we care about when we are ready to. We've tried talking to them about this, but they just tell us to get over it and that we should be excited to tell everyone. They don't seem to understand how this is impacting us. Any advice?

Dear Friend,

Congrats and let us pray that all goes well, in this joyous occasion.

This is such a delicate subject, on one hand and especially for you. On the other, it's a situation/scenario, (the pregnancy) in itself, that happens every day. Your family most likely viewed it as the latter, an every day occurrence.

I can only imagine what you went through. As well, it must've been more painful than people understand. See, while people can have compassion about some things, they more often than not, do not have empathy, much less understanding. Yes, there is a clear and definite difference between the two and only those that have walked in your shoes can really have empathy. As well, your situation is unique to you and only you thus it is very hard for people to grieve as you have nor can they really surmise the complex emotion involved.

But you must forgive them. Their joy is genuine and this is why they were bursting with and beaming for your new pregnancy. They didn't understand your fears nor did they understand that you cried yourself to sleep with the loss of your unborn child. You put on a brave front and wore your pain like a trooper but it affected you rather adversly. Know that all things happen for a reason and our God is a loving and merciful God. I am not religious but I sure am Spiritual. So, I have come to know that everything happens for a reason and that includes the loss of your child. But that premise also applies to the gift of a second chance.

First and foremost, stop blaming yourself for what happened and remember what I just said. Even if you don't believe in a Higher Power, as I do, you have to know that all was not right or all would have been well. You, as well as your child were spared. What a gift. I know it is extremely hard to see this right now. A Mother's love is forever and her heart is so easily broken. Mine has been broken countless times too numerous to mention. But I always joke that, "I wouldn't sell my kids for a million dollars but wouldn't pay a damn dime for any one of them." I'm kidding of course and can not imagine my life without them in it. As a Mother, I know that we are sometimes defined by our children. Hell, I didn't even know my own name, other than "Mommy" for years!

So, I can hardly stand the thought of losing any one of them and can not even fathom your loss. I can also understand your trepidation and hesitancy in exclaiming to the world, this impending birth. I mean, how do you explain it again, if something were to happen? It's such a personal pain and I dare say, I, myself, may not have wanted to share in that pain with anyone including family.

If you had a normal reaction to this miscarriage, the feelings attached to this would run the gamet, possibly overlapping each other. From blame, shame, pain, a question of your womanhood and I could just go on and on, you most likely were an emotional wreck. However, I don't believe the average person could/can surmise or comprehend all the emotional baggage that goes along with such an unfortunate loss.

Having said all that, I'll say it again; You must forgive them for what they do not know or understand. No, they had no right whatsoever to tell anyone, especially when you requested them not to. You have ever right to be angry and disappointed. But it's similar to an Attorney making a statement in court, then the judge strikes the statement. He'll then turn to the jury and tell them to "Disregard the statement." It really can not be done, it can't be undone. It's the same with your situation; it can't be undone. They felt joy upon hearing the news because of your loss. Because of your loss, they could not contain that joy. They were all secretly hoping this would make it all better, make your pain go away and they never meant any harm.

Now, let go and let God. Forgive them as you will do yourself more harm than good by keeping it all inside and maintaining your anger and animosity. Try to find the Silver Lining in this; People do care, they want to share in your joy and it's very apparent that they'd shout it from the rooftop.

Yes, there is a Silver Lining...look for it.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Ground Rules

Dear Aunt Babz,

We rent a condo for the month of Feb. in Florida. SIL, who isn't close, never had much communication. Invited herself and boyfriend for the weekend. While here, she said they were coming to see us in Florida for a week. During her short visit, we fixed meals, showed them around our area and were expected to pick up the tab. She got up Sunday morning and said, I'm antsy, where can we go. So I would expect much of the same for a week in Florida.

I really don't want to give up a week of my vacation, 25% of it. Resent that we will be the tour guides, hotel, food providers, and pick up most or all of the tab. Also don't want this to be a standard practice with them.

How do I wiggle out of this without hurting feelings? We do have my daughter coming at some some time and we have 2 sets of friends that also come for short 2-4 day visits while we are there in Florida. Those friends live in Florida. Daughter is from Chicago.

Hate the way this is making me feel. And DH is very easy going and says don't worry about it. February is a long time away. This is his youngest sister

Dear Visited,

I must not have received part two.. and I am trying to understand the jist here. So bear with me.

To my understanding the SIL hasn’t stayed with you yet in the condo you rent, but has stayed with you before and the result was you picking up the tab and having to make a decision on leaving the place you were in. If I am wrong here, I apologize, but the letter here is unclear.

If this is the case, and you are feeling like you have to pick up the tab… what the heck are you doing? Sure, in your place it may be good practice to be hospitable and make dinner or what have you. But picking up the tab while you go out is unacceptable. When you dine out, simply ask the wait staff to separate the cheque before you order, so that she is aware she will have to pay for her portion and you are not to be used like that. It is a non-confrontational way to solve an uncomfortable situation. Maybe the SIL is under the impression that her brother (your husband) is willing to pay the tab. Maybe he has told her that he would. Be sure, talk to him and ask if that is the case. If it is.. you two definitely need to have a talk.

As for the wiggling out of leaving your condo when they do come to visit. This one is quite easy. If the question arises that the SIL wants to go elsewhere, simply tell her that you have rented the condo for the month, paid for it, and have made plans for other visitors so you cannot go this time, maybe another time when you can plan a little better.

Maybe if you and your husband talk and set down some ground rules it would be easier to make these comments as well. I know you said that he is easy going. But being easy going doesn’t imply that you have to pay for everyone, or that you can’t talk about it.

Make sure you are being rational and not accusatory about things, because this is his sister. Ask him questions like “hey, just wondering, did you tell your sister that we would pay for dining out while they were here? I just want to be sure of how much to set aside for this trip.” or “did you get a chance to ask your sister how much cupboard space she will need for her groceries the week that she is here? You really should so she can plan her budget for her trip” . These sorts of questions are non-threatening and will make for an easier conversation if he has made some sort of agreement with the SIL.

Bottom line is you are feeling resentful, and that isn‘t healthy. You need to talk with your husband and figure out what you need to do.

Good luck

~Xmichra

Doing the Funky Chicken

This post has a comment from the Author at the end
This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been involved with a man for three years. Recently I met his sister in law we had the biggest fight. She always talks behind my back and tried to bring me down. I told my man that and he said he talked to her and told her that he does not like the way she treats me, but I said how can you say that and still associate with her. He tells me he knew her more than me and that she has done a lot for him and that he can not just cut her off and that she has nobody around to help her. I am like she has a husband, your brother, he said he is not always there. I am like why do you have to be there. Shouldn't my enemy be his. I feel very hurt that he is not cutting her off completely. I hate the fact that I am with a man that hangs around with my enemy even though he tells her that he doesn't like her because of me. I feel hatred and anger towards him. We are supposed to get engaged, but I feel that he doesn't love me enough, he says that is not true. he says he loves me very much but she is also his family, and I am like she is not biological and the fact that she hates your wife and has tried to ruin my reputation several times and you still talk to her hurts me. He tells me that if she says anything negative he will defend me, but that he won't cut her off. Please tell me if I am wrong, but I feel so angry that he says that. I think his future wife should mean everything to him and that he should be able to cut off anyone that hurts her in any way, unless its biologically related to him.

Dear Friend,

I can understand your animosity, in this situation. I would probably feel betrayed too. Yes, I feel his loyalty should be with you and I am starting to wonder why, it is not? From what I can gather, he is, in his mind, beholden to her. If he has been there for her, on several occasions, I would think, if we put it in terms of debt, he should be paid off. So, why does he keep going there and why would he jeopardize your relationship, to continue with the one, he has with her?

While it is possible, that he is actually being a good brother-in-law, is he doing this for his brother or for her or both? If he understands the ties that bind, he must understand your malice in this? Somehow, I feel there's more to the story here?

I don't know what it was or is that keeps you two, at odds? Were you both wrong? Does that really matter? No, what's important, is what or how we press on with life.

OK, here's where it gets tricky;

I think you are wrong for demanding him, to cut the ties. I think he is wrong, if he does not try to patch things up. I think you are wrong, to think, he should hate someone, to please you. I think he is wrong for flaunting this in your face. What I mean by that, is, he should demand that his sister-in-law respect you.


You actually have some choices here and you should consider them;

1. You can make an attempt at making an amends with the sister-in-law.
2. Once you have made this attempt, either by phone, in person, by phone, you then tell your man, that if she can't respect you, he surely shows a lack of respect for not standing by your side.

I'm not even sure, I like these choices and I can just about hear you saying, "I'm not making amends with that bitch," right? But let me make it clear to you, that I am not telling you, that you must apologize, make an admission of wrong doing or anything like that. I think if you thought you were wrong about this, you'd be woman enough to set things straight. Am I right?

What I am saying, is that I feel you MUST command respect. In the future, she'll think twice before she runs her mouth, if you handle this, like a stand-up woman. How can you do this?

Depending on the severity of her transgression against you, you refer to the choices I listed. You grab her by the hair, not literally but figuratively. You make the statement that, "You no longer wish to continue this asinine argument. It is childish and has placed a wedge between the family." Now, there will be no apology here and I sure as hell am not telling you to give her that. Nope, I'm telling you to take your power back. I'm telling you to put on a Bitch Belt and own this situation. I'm telling you that you are giving her your power and she knows it. Every time your man goes over there, she gets a little piece of you and digs the knife in a little deeper. Are you going to give her that? Oh hell no! No frigin way!

You put on your Bitch Belt and take control. You call her and tell her, you've grown tired of this childish game. You tell her that, if she has something to say about you, in the future, she comes to you. You tell her that for the good of the family, you are going to put 'your feelings aside' but you'd appreciate if she could show respect for you, just as she would want to be respected. You must set the tone for this conversation and be the bigger woman. See, I know you've got this in you, I can feel it. I don't think you realized that she was doing what she is doing. She probably has gone out of her way to be nice to your man, so she can drive a wedge between you two. Are you going to let her have this?

In turn, I want you to read this part to your man; He's been played. Oh yea, she cares for him but she has gone out of her way to use his caring nature to further her heinous ass ways. Now, he can continue to act like a chump or he can learn how to play the game too. It won't hurt him, to distance himself, till you iron things out. See, he's not doing a good thing right now. I can stake my life on the fact that she is using him and acting all, "We are family and we go way back," and all that other horseshit, to get to you. Tell your man, I said "Stop it now Mister, unless of course, you like being the fool?" She's dancing all over both of you and he doesn't see it. He thinks he's in the clear, well, he's not. This is about respect.

No, G-Friend, I want you to handle your business and channel that anger and animosity. I want you to own this situation. You call her and say exactly what I told you to say. It is for a reason. If she continues to argue on the phone, she has proven to you both, that she is not a woman but a girl, a childish funky brat. Make sure you mention that you are woman enough to let this go. Then, you ask her if she can do the same? If you say this, exactly as I have said it, she will then have to see, that she is acting childish and certainly not carrying herself as a woman, if she continues as she has. See? The important part here, to realize, is that she has stepped on your toes and your man continues to dance with her. You must make an attempt to resolve this and take your dance partner back.
Let her do the Funky Chicken to somebody else.

Aunt Babz

PS, if this doesn't work after you've tried to resolve it, you write me again. We'll then show her how to really dance!

Comment via email, from the author of this letter...

Hello Auntie Babzz!

Thank you for your advice, well my man does defend me like I said, and just like Xmichra said he is not on her side he is just trying to make peace, and I didnt like that he was just trying to make "peace" when someone is your enemy you dont want peace you just want to cut them off and he said he would do that for me, but in a way I didnt want him to do that, and plus she appologized to me before and I still dont like her, I accept that she admitted she was wrong, but she is still jealous of me and I dont care if she apologized, but I can't help if she admires me and wants my life, that is an issue she is going to have to deal, what I am doing right now, is leaving my man out of it, because I have realized he gets annoyed of her too and that he only does what he can for her because she has family ties and in a way he feels like he owes her for what she has done for him, alth I think that is bullshyt, but all I wanted to know was that he hates her deep in his heart but he just felt compelled because of his brother, and I didnt want to let her win like babz said why ruin my relationship when I kno my man doesnt like her, he even tries to hide from her at times, but she is just clingy and annoying, I just thought b-4 my man was doing favours for her from his own heart, but really he jus does it because he feels like he has to, I realli dunt think he "has" to but hey is a nice guy and I left the poor guy out of this.

Guilt Trip 101; The Mother-in-Law

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I moved to another state to be with my boyfriend. His family was nice, including his mother. When I found out I was expecting, everyone was excited except for my boyfriend's mother. She accepted the baby on and off. Until all of sudden, she stopped coming for a while and later came to insult my boyfriend, my daughter, and I. She called the baby a bastard, and said she never liked me from the start and that she had bad vibes. I find this weird because I know I get along with everyone. My boyfriend chose us over his family. It's been almost 7 months since that happened and his mother refuses to speak to him. I came from a family who are really close, and I can't stand the fact that they aren't talking. Should I talk to the mother first, woman to woman, and see if we could all work things out? If she wants to act childish, at least I could to her. Please help.


Dear Friend,

Her behavior, is surely questionable. I think I would be, understandably upset, myself, if I were in your shoes. I'm glad to hear that her son has done the right thing and stood by you but it must be difficult. We will use this exact situation, the Mother-Son relationship, to try to solve this.

Quite often, I tell people, who write me, to handle things, by writing a letter, to the person, they are having difficulties with. I say this for a reason. I hate to repeat myself, but will for your benefit;

Have you ever, been in an argument and you can't get a word in edge wise? Ever been knee deep, in debate and you're so angry, you say exactly what you don't mean? Ever had an argument and walked away mad and thought to yourself, later that you wished you'd said this or that? I know I have. Now, it is human nature, when we argue, to take a defensive stance. Quite often, any and all of what we say, is lost in the heat of the moment, lost in translation. It may fall on deaf ears because the person we have the tiff or disagreement with, is pissed off and is only thinking of a snappy and snide comeback. Often times, arguing only results in bad feelings. Many a relationship, has been severed and suffered because of a simple argument. If we learn to fight fair, say what we mean, mean what we say and try not to say it mean, we might get somewhere. Often times though, we tackle an iffy situation, even with the best of intention, only to make things worse because of our temper. How do I know this? I have learned this the hard way, as I have a terribly short fuse and tend to say really nasty things, when I'm angry. Thus, I must "Sabotage Myself."

I learned to shut my big mouth, calm down, take a cleansing breath, maybe wait a few hours or a few days, even and then I place a pen in my hand, instead of a proverbial knife. Words do and can cut like a knife and can be much likened to a double edged sword. Words are more powerful, than we realize or give credit to and they can make or break even the strongest.

Our choice of words can actually be life changing, life altering and life building. If we behaved more responsibly with our words, this world, of course, would be a better place. But it is a golden egg, for someone, to grow enough to finally realize before the damage has been done, to choose their words carefully.

By writing a letter, we can face our fears, we can address, things calmly and we can choose those words, with all their/it's power, in check. We may orchestrate what needs to be said, how it is said and we are afforded, the choice of wielding this power, unbridled, unobstructed, undisturbed.

If you are in a nasty argument with someone, you can't say half of what needs to be said and or how it should be said. But with a letter, you have that person, (hostage, hah, just kidding) in an audience. They can read it and re-read it. it is proven that more is retained by reading something, first hand. The impact of your words and phrase, prose and stance can not be be undermined. More importantly, that person, with whom you may have had an altercation with, is not in your face, no nasty words are exchanged, no one dies.

I think you get my meaning, right? If I were you, I'd write his Mother and tell her that whatever it is, that has caused her to have disdain or dislike for you, you'd like to know, that way, you can possibly resolve it. You may have to do a little fluffing by telling her that you don't want to be on her bad side and that you respect her. More importantly, you are having a real hard time, feeling like you are the reason, that her son is at odds with her. You do not want to be the thing that comes between them.. I think it's real important, that you take this approach. Make her aware that you don't understand what you've done, to cause her to dislike you and you are willing to do what it takes to turn that around. No, you're not kissing ass but you are putting the ball in her court. She'll have to look at her own behavior, if you make it appear, that you are willing and ready to make amends. Now, I'm real aware that you've done nothing wrong but give her that opportunity to let you in on whatever secret reason, she has for disliking you, all of a sudden. Is it because you had the baby? Is it because you two are not married? You tell her that you can't make it right or resolve the situation, if you don't know what you've done wrong. This will open the door for her to possibly tell you, what it is that's bothering her. But it may also be something and she doesn't know what it is? If that's the case, then quite possibly, she'll have to look at how ridiculous she's is behaving. It just might open her eyes.

Make sure, that you mention, that it is rather hurtful for her to call your child, her grandchild, her sons baby, a "Bastard." You then, bring up the fact that this child is her sons and is innocent in this. See, she probably said that out of anger. Or she may have said it because you two are not married. But you must bring this up and hopefully, she'll feel guilty about it and see just how spiteful she has been. This is another "Guilt Trip 101." I've written concerning this before. Sometimes, we must fight fire with fire and do the dang thing, getting down and dirty. Sometimes, we have to pull out all the stops and meet people on their own turf, even if that turf is pretty dingy and nasty. But you'll stand upright, when you state the facts, respectfully and rightfully.

You make her aware of how she's hurt her own son but you must refrain from mentioning how she's hurt you, with her attitude. Nope, don't give her that. Make the emphasis, on her hurtful comments concerning the baby and the fact that her son is upset by it. Get down with the guilt.

You end the letter with the question;
How may we resolve this, for the sake of your son and grandchild?

Carefully write the letter, mail it to her and wait. It will take a minute for it to sink in, for her to digest it and to realize that she's been a real, nasty cuss. If she doesn't contact her son, write me again and we'll go for Round Two.

The Benchmark

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I recently got married yet before the wedding came, I was pregnant. I

decided to tell NO one in my family about this- lest they tell others at the

wedding, or feel that it was a shotgun wedding (of which it was no such

thing- we have been together for 4 years). I didn't want that kind of

burden. So I chose to wait until the day after the wedding to tell my mom

and dad. Who in turn could tell whomever they pleased. I didn't want people

looking at me "that way" during the wedding. I kept small enough that no one

would notice.

2 Days before the wedding my sister went snooping through my bags while I

wasn't home and found prenatal vitamins. My mom the OB nurse has voiced her

concerns about a pregnancy to everyone but me- so maybe she felt justified

to go looking for proof? I did not know that she had suspicions. When I came

home that evening, she proceeded to tell me in front of 3-4 other people

that she "happened" to see these vitamins as she moved my bag and if I had

something to tell everyone. I denied it, as I still did not want anyone to

think I was pregnant before the wedding. I felt that due to her snooping and

confronting me, she had no right to know. I would NEVER confront someone

with that kind of information ESPECIALLY in front of others. I felt that was

SO wrong of her. She is very confrontational - at her work, to my parents,

her sisters, etc. and I always try to be the "bigger" sister and don't say

anything. I figured this was the end of the story because I felt I was clear

that NO, I wasn't pregnant, and NO, those vitamins were no grow my hair or

some such. I also told her that if she wanted to confront me about such an

issue in the future, I would appreciate it if she did it in private. She

hemmed and hawed and said we were private, that no one else could hear us-

but I felt her approach was totally wrong- and for once I stood up for

myself and said something about it. I thought that was the end.

Well, now it is one month past the wedding. I am starting to tell friends

that were at the wedding about my news. A friend called me who will be

visiting next month, and I told her I was pregnant. She said she already new

that I was pregnant. I said how? She said on my wedding night, my sister

asked if I had told her the good news. She said no- but asked if I was

pregnant . MY sister said yes! But she asked my friend a leading question-

what else could it be to ask if she knew special news the night of my

wedding. Then, she said my sister had had too much to drink and thats probably

why she said something. Please remember that the night before she asked me

if I were pregnant and I said NO. I obviously didn't want anyone to know,

especially once she had confronted me in such a rude way. My friend had

already left for home once I told my family- my mom and dad, rather- so

there would be no way for her confirm or deny such a thing. I believe she

was just trying to be nasty and make me look bad or spread rumor. I had told

no one yet- she still could not have known. And she should not have asked my

friend if I had told her the special news- when I hadn't even told my sister

yet.

Yesterday, I called her and told her what my friend had said she did. First

she apologized, then she denied it. Then she tried to turn it around and say

I was a bad sister for thinking she would do such a thing. She seems so

confrontational, so insincere that I really believe my friend that it

happened. There would be no motive for my friend to fabricate such a story!

Then she said she, in reality, was just really happy that we were having a

baby, etc. There is so much background to this story. But her boyfriend has

2 children- now he is her fiance- and she wanted him to disown the children

so she would not have to have any burden of raising them. She said she did

not like the way their mother and grandparents were raising them. She is

always nasty to my niece and nephew when they come over, same thing- she

says she doesn't like the way they are being raised. Then she will turn

around and try to be really nice. I should also say she has been diagnosed

bipolar- so none of this surprises me. I just don't believe her spreading my

"BIG"news around was her way of being happy for me. We had never discussed

it, not had I told her that I was expecting. I think she was trying to be

rotten. Now that she is known bipolar- she is SO confrontational, so moody,

so irrational and then tries to blame it all on her disorder. Some of it

yes- but I believe that she is taking a huge liberty here, and just uses her

disorder to blame her bad behavior on.

I hate confrontation. There are many times when people walk all over me

just because I don't want to confront them or cause conflict. I just felt

she had gone too far. She needed to be confronted so this would not happen

again, so she would know this was wrong to do to people and that third, I

did not like or appreciate her behavior.

Now I am the one who feels guilty. Did I ruin my relationship with my

sister? Did I ever even have a relationship? Are my parents going to take

her side when she runs crybaby to tell them how terrible I am? How mean, how

rude, etc. I believe in my heart that I did the right thing confronting her.

I waited 3 days before telling her I was upset- as not to do anything

irrational. I never raised my voice. I listened to her excuses on the phone.

When she apologized, I told her I forgave her. I told her I would never do

such a thing to her (and I never have). I even emailed her after the

conversation and told her I wanted our communications to be between us, not

through 3rd parties such as our mother. If we have issues with one another,

we should talk to each other- not 3rd parties and the grapevine. Then I

told her in the email that the case was closed, I forgave her and that I

loved her.

I am still upset or I wouldn't be writing this email. I feel like she will

make it awkward at family gatherings- she will make a point of not speaking

to me or have further confrontation. When I still will feel like she is the

one who brought this upon herself.

Any advice? Am I wrong? Mislead? Self centered?

HELP!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I feel you on this. It actually pissed me off too and I had to sit and wonder what lil' sister's motives were?

Before I even, address this, I want to make a point. The saying "Forgive & Forget" does not mean, we allow people to walk all over us. I do think, even if we put it in Biblical terms, God is merciful and forgives us but that does not mean, we never have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Equally important, is the fact that your sister, can never really be truly sorry for what she has done, if she doesn't really understand, the ramifications of her trespass/transgression against you.

Little Sister behaved, in an extremely, immature way and it just screams jealousy, if you ask me. I think you still need to address this. Let me remind you, you must be true to yourself and use all the tools at your disposal. This is obviously still weighing upon you or you'd not have written me, right? So, in the context of being true to yourself, I think the subject is not over and you have every right to get it all out, put it into perspective for your sister and find closure, after you have made her more than aware, just how the cow jumps over the moon. Saying you forgive someone, is the easy part. It's working through that hurt and anger, that you rightfully own. I'd say, it's enough to piss off a preacher, what she did to you. I mean, we count on our sisters to share in our joy, not hinder it. Even the smallest detail, of the fact that she'd gone through your things, is a clear violation. We all have personal boundaries and she stepped on yours. We have to ask ourselves, just why would she want to tell, this little secret, for one thing? The second question is; Motive?

I for one, think, she wanted her butt to shine. It's so transparent that she wanted to make herself look good, while you look like the traditional, illegitimate carrying, do not wear white, bride. I think it was an evil move, unscrupulous and down right dirty. Now, I am not trying to piss you off even more, (Sorry, "pissed off" are the words of the day here?) but I do believe we need to handle this, in an *Assertive way.

I have been, in the past, considered Passive-Aggressive. Now, there are so many definitions of this and none are favorable. But my terminology for this particular behavior/life style or behavioral pattern, and what sums mine up, was this;
I would take it and take it. I would allow people, to do or say things, that I didn't like, for the most part because I was non confrontational. I would over look it or let it go. Then, all of a sudden, this person(s), does something, which I've allowed them to do, to get away with and I brew. I cloud up and rain all over them, making them believe I am truly psychotic. I am still guilty of this from time to time but my"episodes" are less frequent because I have become what I lovingly refer to as an "Assertive Bitch." I wear my favorite Bitch Belt.

See, there's a difference between showing self-control of your emotions and stuffing them. Some emotions, i.e., anger, hurt, pain and so on, can be rather damaging to us. In fact, they can eat us alive. If we do not communicate how we feel, little is resolved. Stress and anger can kill. If nothing else, they hold our human spirit, hostage. You need to free yourself from this.

I often write, that I feel one of the best forms of communicating, complex feelings and emotion, is through writing it all down. Write a letter to your sister.

In your letter, you need to state how she made you feel, what the ramifications were and the fact that the only way this can be resolved, is for her to understand what she has done. Make it clear, your intention is not to make her pay for the infraction but to understand it.

If you feel betrayed, write it. If it angered and frustrated you, write it. If it embarrassed you, write it. Whatever those feelings are, that you grapple with, hurt, pain, betrayal, (which by the way, I would feel every one listed) you write it in the letter.

It seemed a bit vindictive, if you ask me. I mean really, what Sister would go out of her way, which she clearly did, to make it so extremely visible that you were pregnant. She took it on like a mission. Now, You must take on the mission, of making your Sister, painfully aware of how bitterly she has behaved. Ask her why she is so bitter, towards you. Take full responsibility for anything, you may have done in the past, to have hurt her enough, for her to feel the need, to put you in your proverbial place.

It sounds to me, like your Sister has been allowed to run rampant and dish out the nastiness, unchecked and unbridled. She needs to know, it will never be tolerated again. If she wants to make amends, it will be through her own personal responsibilty and accountability for her crude, rude and socially unacceptable attitude. Yes, some of us, do walk around, self-absorbed, self-will run riot and until somebody calls us on our stinky crap, we just don't see how bad it smells. Yes, it stinks to high heaven and it should be your ulterior motive, not to hurt her, not to put her in her place but to make her aware of how she presents herself to others.

Finally, if you can't count on and trust your family, you've nothing. She must understand that of all people in the world, you'd think that you'd be the last, she'd want to hurt. But by her actions, your memory of your wedding has been tainted. Ask her if this was her wish? Tell her that she can deny it to your face but deep down, you know the truth. Then, you tell her that you love her. You never want to relinquish your relationship, as sister's. It all starts with love but respect is a must. She treated you with a complete lack of respect and her actions speak only of a vindictive and mean spirited scenario. Then, you tell her, if this was her motive, to hurt you, to show no respect, to betray you and to stain a memory, she was successful.

But you then point out to her, what she was not successful at;

She failed miserably as a stand-up woman, garnering any level of respect from you. She failed miserably at taking responsibility for her actions. She failed miserably at pretending to be a mature and a loving Sister. She failed miserably as a friend, which sisters should be.


Then, you ask her, if you'd done this to her and put her business on the street, would she be so easily or readily able, to forgive? And how can we resolve this because you do love her and you do not want this as the deciding factor, the benchmark for your relationship with her?

Aunt Babz

PS, Another way...email her this entire correspondence.

*Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Assertive people

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

• They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• They know their rights.
• They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It mean that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.
• They have a good understanding of feelings of the person they are communicating with.

Mother Bear

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My husband was recently arrested for drugs and other charges but there was a court order in place for visitation for my kids but he is in jail and my mother in law insist that she will come get them but do i have to let them go because the visitation was for my husband?

Dear Friend,

I am not in the Legal biz but I do know enough to know that the visitation is what the court order says. If it does not list her name, she does not have the right to visitation. If she wants visitation, she can petition the courts but until said time, she has no legal ground.

Now, the other side of the coin. Only you know the reason, why you do not want your children, to go there, with your Mother-in Law. If it is because they may be exposed to something, wrong or illegal, I say, stand your ground. Make her take you to court and then you give the judge the reasoning behind your refusal.


If you are just being spiteful and I have seen this before, remember that she is their family too. I have been placed in the same scenario. My granddaughter will be 9 in August. I have not laid eyes on her since she was a toddler. She has Cystic Fibrosis. It is gut wrenching to worry and wonder how she is. I know this pain, of not being able to see MY grandchild. Those children are yours and as their Mother, you must, at all times, do what is in their best interest. Ask yourself, if you are being spiteful, unreasonable or malicious? If you have a valid reason, it is understandable. But if you do not, please look at.

I am a mother bear and would die or kill for my children. But we can not be too overbearing. We must have a balance and give them wings. Just because you and your husband, are on the outs, does not cut the ties that bind. Family is important for children. If there's a true reason for your fears, look at them, make sure they are valid and go from there.

If you are simply being a mother bear, you must see that for them to make it, they must see the forest and they must wander a bit. Keeping an eye on their welfare, is good but do not be over bearing or malicious.

"No Tolerance"

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am from a polygamous family and the only child of my mum to that family. My mum is late, and my dad seems to love me. Now, my half brother hated me and always beat me up at the slightest mistake. Advice me

Thank you.

PS,

It’s about hatred from my half brother. He felt our dad loves me more than the rest children.He so hated me with passion. I feel like moving away from the house. Quarrelling and fighting often times. Just share hate.

Do have a lovely week.

James

Dear James,

It must be difficult for you and I can surely understand, you feeling discouraged. Actually, discouraged, may be putting it mildly. It must be equally difficult when you're Mum is not there to comfort, guide and let you know you are loved. It is good to hear, that your Dad loves you.

You do not say, how old you are or how long you must live under the same roof as your half-brothers. I assume you are a teen? I also assume, moving out is not the answer?

My own, youngest son, was treated harshly because, his own brothers believed he was my second husbands son and their half-brother. They treated him badly because of this. He had blue eyes, like my second husband and was raised by my second husband who treated him preferably. Children sense this, even if no harm is intended. My youngest was really their, full blood brother but they were so mean to him, growing up. I do not believe they would have treated him this way, had they realized that blood is blood, family is family and respect for one another is just that.

Can you go to your Father and ask him to Mediate, between you two? Ask for a sit down, to talk. Ask your father to allow you to talk and your aim, is not to make your brother look bad but to work things out between you both.

Tell your brother that he is just that, your brother and you want his favor. Remind him, with your dad sitting there, that you are family and you want to get along. Make him aware that you have no need for this partition between you two. Tell him that you want to get along and the way things have been going, it all really hurts. Use these words," Brothers should be there for each other. I want to turn things around. I don't want to behave as a child and I don't want any resentment between us." See, you know why your brother is acting out of jealousy and it is not your fault, if he feels that your Dad cares for you more. You tell him, that you do not feel that your father cares for you differently than him and loves you equally. So, who is at fault here, if they have animosity? It is your brothers fault, unless you have provoked him or your father has provoked him. You explain that and make him painfully aware, that your Mum is gone and your family is all you have. A father's love is all you have and you no longer want to feel guilty when you receive your fathers love.

Then, you make your first stand as a man; You stand to shake his hand. You ask him, if you two can become brothers, from this day forward and throw the enemy out.

James dear, if I were you, I would write it all down, on paper. I would try to use the approach I have offered. I would set the stage by asking your Dad to intervene, only by sitting in on the talk. You make sure your dad knows your heart, your motive. That is to bridge this gap and put this pain aside. You explain that you are not trying to start a fight but end one, forever. You only request his presence as an intermediary, not a referee. This will also allow a captive audience with your brother and he will be forced to look at his issues and his behavior.

James, allow this to be your first stand, as a man. Allow this to be a life lesson. Learn from it all and how to see your confidence build, when you take your own destiny, your own issues and make a stand.

"While it is important, for people to know what we stand for, it is equally important, for them to know, what we will not stand for."
Aunt Babz

You must make take a stand and assertively state the fact that you no longer want to live this way. You must not be a martyr, for the cause of Polygamy. You must stop being a victim. I am not calling you a sissy. Read that again. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are understandable and valid. I am telling you, right here, right now, that I completely feel for you. But if you want this to stop, you must take a "no tolerance stance."


Put on Aunt Babz Signature Cologne; Confidence/Empowerement

You will no longer tolerate being treated like you have done something wrong because your father loves you. You will no longer tolerate your brother treating you badly because he has issues, with that love. If he has issues about the equality of your fathers love, between you both, he needs to take it up with his father, right then, while you are at your sit down meeting. You will no longer tolerate any of it and from this day forward, he will treat you like a brother or leave you alone.

Your situation is unique to you. But many young men, must grow up quickly without the love and presence of their Mother. But James, she is there, you need only to reach out to her and she will comfort you. She brought you here. Out of the millions of pages on the internet, you were guided here. There is no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. Remember this. You were guided here. Your Mum is always with you and will comfort you. She often touches your ear, to let you know she's there. You felt it but didn't know what it was, did you?

Write it all down, use the words I have given you and make your point. It will change your life. If you do this with the confidence that's within you, your brother will respect you from that day forward.

It is a rite of passage, from boy to man, when you learn to stand up for what you will not tolerate in your life. Remember the words, "No Tolerance."

Stand Your Ground

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B,

I need an unbiased opinion so I went searching and found your page. Here is my situation. Some 20 years ago My wife and I moved in with my Mother (whom was alone then) with plans to purchase her home eventually. For years my Mother and Father would say "We want the house split between you and the younger sibling". The plan was to buy it from her and she would assumingly take care of my younger sibling. That never happened, we still lived there and had a couple children. My Mom was sickly and really would not have been able to live on her own for at least 10 of the 20 yrs. My mom never made a will and she died intestate. I am the administrator of the estate. The younger sibling lives in another state. There are 3 other older siblings involved, all of which, now get a share. One has signed his portion over to me to help me with purchasing the house. He did not intend for his share to be split with the younger sibling although she thinks it should because of the past 50/50 split my parents spoke about. I really need my brothers good will to keep my payments down. Right now I have a pretty good job, but if I was to lose it I would find it hard to make the same salary due to my education level, my job requires a college degree, that I don't have, but due to my company's overlooking that, I am able to work there. But in todays world of corporate buyouts nothing is safe.

Anyway she is really upset that I was not going to split his share with her in the buyout portion. The law says I do not have too, but she is using this as a reason not to sign off I believe, though she has not said. Our relationship is now ruined either way, If I don't sign over 1/2 she is angry. If I do I am angry. I can't see how she thinks this is the same situation now that it had to be split 5 ways. My brother is angry that she is doing this. I really don't want to get them fighting, its bad enough already between me and her.

Your thoughts? Keep me anonymous please.




Dear Anonymous, When someone dies, it really brings out the greed and ugly side of people, doesn't it? I've seen this in the past and for some reason, when money is involved, family can get, down right ignorant, huh? For the life of me, I do not understand how people can be this way. It is surely understandable, why they say, money is the root of all evil. I'm not sure, if I understand, the full context of your question but I'll give it a whirl. From what I understand, you have lived with and taken care of your Mother, all these years. I did not hear you say, that any other sibling, lived with or helped you in the care of your mother. That alone speaks volumes.

From what I understand, also, your Brother, out of the kindness of his heart, gave you the gift of his share. Am I correct on this? Assuming, I understand you correctly, it is a gift from your brother and your sister has no claim to this. A gift is a gift, plain and simple. If per say, your brother was the executor and owned the property, solely, your sister would certainly not have any rights to that gift. Nor does she have the right to any part of his gift to you. It is his percentage and is not thrown in the pot for divvy.

It is a sad, sad situation that your sister could be this hateful. I don't think she realizes that, a quick perception would be drawn from the fact, firt off, that it was you that took care of your mother for more than 10 years. Would they have split the cost of a Nursing Home? You saved them that cost. Now, you may have benefitted from living with your mother. That would be thrown in your face. But a quick retrot would be, no one else did, huh? It is now past tense and saying that they would be willing to do what you did, is futile and the point is moot. In other words, they didn't do a damn thing but they still want to reap the benefits.

It is a sacrifice, you can not really put a monetary fix on, to take care of a sickly person. They can say, well, she wasn't that sick, huh? Sorry to say folks, she was sick enough to succumb from it. Were they there to share in the aid of a dependent mother? I do not believe you complained but suffered in silence, didn't you? It was very difficult for you, on an emotional level, to watch, as your Mother slipped away. But your home life was not as it could be, having to care for an ailing Mother. Unfortunately, in a legal sense, that does not give you the right over the entire proceeds. We think we'll live forever and quite often, we do not get our affairs in order. I think, if there had been more money to work with, your Mother would have paid the attorney fees to, sell the house to you and make provision, in her will, after the fact, to fairly split anything left, after her death. But she did not, thus our dilemma here.

I spoke with the Legal Team, in Manhattan, (which shall remain anonymous) and the agreed opinion, was and is, that your sister would not have had the right to your brothers, money, nor hers or yours and so on. So, why would she think, she would have a right to the gift, your brother so graciously gave? It is a ridiculous thing for her to think she has even a thought to right of that money. Furthermore, it's downright shameful.

My suggestion, is you mail this exact response to her. You tell her that you are sorry, she feels this way and you would hate for this to come to these terms. But if you took her to court on the issue, she will lose. A gift is a gift in the eyes of the Law. If you must force her hand, it will cost her, in Attorney fees alone. Even worse, will be the split this will cause between family. Ask her, if this is worth it to her, when she has no God given right to that money?

Do not bend or bow to her. In conclusion, I would send this response to all your family members, so they may see, your true feelings and intention. I do not believe you are a money grubbing brother. I do not have the same opinion,for your sister. Besides the principle of the matter, ask your sister, if she feels so strongly, that she's willing to go to court on this matter? She will lose and make a fool of herself. Then, it will not only be clear to all family members, that she is greedy but it will be on record, just how petty and stupendous, she has made this whole affair.

My Answer; Stand Your Ground