The Benchmark

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I recently got married yet before the wedding came, I was pregnant. I

decided to tell NO one in my family about this- lest they tell others at the

wedding, or feel that it was a shotgun wedding (of which it was no such

thing- we have been together for 4 years). I didn't want that kind of

burden. So I chose to wait until the day after the wedding to tell my mom

and dad. Who in turn could tell whomever they pleased. I didn't want people

looking at me "that way" during the wedding. I kept small enough that no one

would notice.

2 Days before the wedding my sister went snooping through my bags while I

wasn't home and found prenatal vitamins. My mom the OB nurse has voiced her

concerns about a pregnancy to everyone but me- so maybe she felt justified

to go looking for proof? I did not know that she had suspicions. When I came

home that evening, she proceeded to tell me in front of 3-4 other people

that she "happened" to see these vitamins as she moved my bag and if I had

something to tell everyone. I denied it, as I still did not want anyone to

think I was pregnant before the wedding. I felt that due to her snooping and

confronting me, she had no right to know. I would NEVER confront someone

with that kind of information ESPECIALLY in front of others. I felt that was

SO wrong of her. She is very confrontational - at her work, to my parents,

her sisters, etc. and I always try to be the "bigger" sister and don't say

anything. I figured this was the end of the story because I felt I was clear

that NO, I wasn't pregnant, and NO, those vitamins were no grow my hair or

some such. I also told her that if she wanted to confront me about such an

issue in the future, I would appreciate it if she did it in private. She

hemmed and hawed and said we were private, that no one else could hear us-

but I felt her approach was totally wrong- and for once I stood up for

myself and said something about it. I thought that was the end.

Well, now it is one month past the wedding. I am starting to tell friends

that were at the wedding about my news. A friend called me who will be

visiting next month, and I told her I was pregnant. She said she already new

that I was pregnant. I said how? She said on my wedding night, my sister

asked if I had told her the good news. She said no- but asked if I was

pregnant . MY sister said yes! But she asked my friend a leading question-

what else could it be to ask if she knew special news the night of my

wedding. Then, she said my sister had had too much to drink and thats probably

why she said something. Please remember that the night before she asked me

if I were pregnant and I said NO. I obviously didn't want anyone to know,

especially once she had confronted me in such a rude way. My friend had

already left for home once I told my family- my mom and dad, rather- so

there would be no way for her confirm or deny such a thing. I believe she

was just trying to be nasty and make me look bad or spread rumor. I had told

no one yet- she still could not have known. And she should not have asked my

friend if I had told her the special news- when I hadn't even told my sister

yet.

Yesterday, I called her and told her what my friend had said she did. First

she apologized, then she denied it. Then she tried to turn it around and say

I was a bad sister for thinking she would do such a thing. She seems so

confrontational, so insincere that I really believe my friend that it

happened. There would be no motive for my friend to fabricate such a story!

Then she said she, in reality, was just really happy that we were having a

baby, etc. There is so much background to this story. But her boyfriend has

2 children- now he is her fiance- and she wanted him to disown the children

so she would not have to have any burden of raising them. She said she did

not like the way their mother and grandparents were raising them. She is

always nasty to my niece and nephew when they come over, same thing- she

says she doesn't like the way they are being raised. Then she will turn

around and try to be really nice. I should also say she has been diagnosed

bipolar- so none of this surprises me. I just don't believe her spreading my

"BIG"news around was her way of being happy for me. We had never discussed

it, not had I told her that I was expecting. I think she was trying to be

rotten. Now that she is known bipolar- she is SO confrontational, so moody,

so irrational and then tries to blame it all on her disorder. Some of it

yes- but I believe that she is taking a huge liberty here, and just uses her

disorder to blame her bad behavior on.

I hate confrontation. There are many times when people walk all over me

just because I don't want to confront them or cause conflict. I just felt

she had gone too far. She needed to be confronted so this would not happen

again, so she would know this was wrong to do to people and that third, I

did not like or appreciate her behavior.

Now I am the one who feels guilty. Did I ruin my relationship with my

sister? Did I ever even have a relationship? Are my parents going to take

her side when she runs crybaby to tell them how terrible I am? How mean, how

rude, etc. I believe in my heart that I did the right thing confronting her.

I waited 3 days before telling her I was upset- as not to do anything

irrational. I never raised my voice. I listened to her excuses on the phone.

When she apologized, I told her I forgave her. I told her I would never do

such a thing to her (and I never have). I even emailed her after the

conversation and told her I wanted our communications to be between us, not

through 3rd parties such as our mother. If we have issues with one another,

we should talk to each other- not 3rd parties and the grapevine. Then I

told her in the email that the case was closed, I forgave her and that I

loved her.

I am still upset or I wouldn't be writing this email. I feel like she will

make it awkward at family gatherings- she will make a point of not speaking

to me or have further confrontation. When I still will feel like she is the

one who brought this upon herself.

Any advice? Am I wrong? Mislead? Self centered?

HELP!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I feel you on this. It actually pissed me off too and I had to sit and wonder what lil' sister's motives were?

Before I even, address this, I want to make a point. The saying "Forgive & Forget" does not mean, we allow people to walk all over us. I do think, even if we put it in Biblical terms, God is merciful and forgives us but that does not mean, we never have to suffer the consequences of our actions. Equally important, is the fact that your sister, can never really be truly sorry for what she has done, if she doesn't really understand, the ramifications of her trespass/transgression against you.

Little Sister behaved, in an extremely, immature way and it just screams jealousy, if you ask me. I think you still need to address this. Let me remind you, you must be true to yourself and use all the tools at your disposal. This is obviously still weighing upon you or you'd not have written me, right? So, in the context of being true to yourself, I think the subject is not over and you have every right to get it all out, put it into perspective for your sister and find closure, after you have made her more than aware, just how the cow jumps over the moon. Saying you forgive someone, is the easy part. It's working through that hurt and anger, that you rightfully own. I'd say, it's enough to piss off a preacher, what she did to you. I mean, we count on our sisters to share in our joy, not hinder it. Even the smallest detail, of the fact that she'd gone through your things, is a clear violation. We all have personal boundaries and she stepped on yours. We have to ask ourselves, just why would she want to tell, this little secret, for one thing? The second question is; Motive?

I for one, think, she wanted her butt to shine. It's so transparent that she wanted to make herself look good, while you look like the traditional, illegitimate carrying, do not wear white, bride. I think it was an evil move, unscrupulous and down right dirty. Now, I am not trying to piss you off even more, (Sorry, "pissed off" are the words of the day here?) but I do believe we need to handle this, in an *Assertive way.

I have been, in the past, considered Passive-Aggressive. Now, there are so many definitions of this and none are favorable. But my terminology for this particular behavior/life style or behavioral pattern, and what sums mine up, was this;
I would take it and take it. I would allow people, to do or say things, that I didn't like, for the most part because I was non confrontational. I would over look it or let it go. Then, all of a sudden, this person(s), does something, which I've allowed them to do, to get away with and I brew. I cloud up and rain all over them, making them believe I am truly psychotic. I am still guilty of this from time to time but my"episodes" are less frequent because I have become what I lovingly refer to as an "Assertive Bitch." I wear my favorite Bitch Belt.

See, there's a difference between showing self-control of your emotions and stuffing them. Some emotions, i.e., anger, hurt, pain and so on, can be rather damaging to us. In fact, they can eat us alive. If we do not communicate how we feel, little is resolved. Stress and anger can kill. If nothing else, they hold our human spirit, hostage. You need to free yourself from this.

I often write, that I feel one of the best forms of communicating, complex feelings and emotion, is through writing it all down. Write a letter to your sister.

In your letter, you need to state how she made you feel, what the ramifications were and the fact that the only way this can be resolved, is for her to understand what she has done. Make it clear, your intention is not to make her pay for the infraction but to understand it.

If you feel betrayed, write it. If it angered and frustrated you, write it. If it embarrassed you, write it. Whatever those feelings are, that you grapple with, hurt, pain, betrayal, (which by the way, I would feel every one listed) you write it in the letter.

It seemed a bit vindictive, if you ask me. I mean really, what Sister would go out of her way, which she clearly did, to make it so extremely visible that you were pregnant. She took it on like a mission. Now, You must take on the mission, of making your Sister, painfully aware of how bitterly she has behaved. Ask her why she is so bitter, towards you. Take full responsibility for anything, you may have done in the past, to have hurt her enough, for her to feel the need, to put you in your proverbial place.

It sounds to me, like your Sister has been allowed to run rampant and dish out the nastiness, unchecked and unbridled. She needs to know, it will never be tolerated again. If she wants to make amends, it will be through her own personal responsibilty and accountability for her crude, rude and socially unacceptable attitude. Yes, some of us, do walk around, self-absorbed, self-will run riot and until somebody calls us on our stinky crap, we just don't see how bad it smells. Yes, it stinks to high heaven and it should be your ulterior motive, not to hurt her, not to put her in her place but to make her aware of how she presents herself to others.

Finally, if you can't count on and trust your family, you've nothing. She must understand that of all people in the world, you'd think that you'd be the last, she'd want to hurt. But by her actions, your memory of your wedding has been tainted. Ask her if this was her wish? Tell her that she can deny it to your face but deep down, you know the truth. Then, you tell her that you love her. You never want to relinquish your relationship, as sister's. It all starts with love but respect is a must. She treated you with a complete lack of respect and her actions speak only of a vindictive and mean spirited scenario. Then, you tell her, if this was her motive, to hurt you, to show no respect, to betray you and to stain a memory, she was successful.

But you then point out to her, what she was not successful at;

She failed miserably as a stand-up woman, garnering any level of respect from you. She failed miserably at taking responsibility for her actions. She failed miserably at pretending to be a mature and a loving Sister. She failed miserably as a friend, which sisters should be.


Then, you ask her, if you'd done this to her and put her business on the street, would she be so easily or readily able, to forgive? And how can we resolve this because you do love her and you do not want this as the deciding factor, the benchmark for your relationship with her?

Aunt Babz

PS, Another way...email her this entire correspondence.

*Assertiveness is a trait taught by many personal development experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to self-esteem and considered an important communication skill.

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

Assertive people

Assertive people have the following characteristics:

• They feel free to express their feelings, thoughts, and desires.
• They know their rights.
• They have control over their anger. It does not mean that they repress this feeling. It mean that they control it for a moment and then talk about it later in a logical way.
• They have a good understanding of feelings of the person they are communicating with.