Thursday, June 21, 2007
It'll Be OK
This was sent to Aunt B via email...
Dear Aunt B,
Alright, so you know my boyfriend & I have been together for 3 years & that We were long distance for a while but then just this past fall (of 2006) he decided to leave home & move closer to me & was also continuing at university while he was here. It was a rough year for him.. getting adjusted.. didn't know anyone besides me.. i was going through some issues and because he is closest person to me i nagged him a lot and he was always patient with me etc,. I am a few yrs younger than him and he always took that into consideration and his patience and love always outweighed anything else. YOU know more than anyone about how there were a few bumps in our relationship.. nothing severe we obviously got through it but it just added to the stress. It's difficult to just sum up a relationship in a few paragraphs but basically.. as you know from my past e-mails..our relationship has been a blessed one & he contributed to it A lot, I'm not afraid to admit more than i have. I mean I have to be honest here to get some reliable advice.. I know that I didn't do enough for him or didn't help much with his stress & what makes me feel even worse is that he has never tried to point that out to me and has always just alleviated my stress and was always forgiving my mistakes. He is the type of person who puts everyone he cares for before him.. and ALWAYS put me first. I appreciate it, i do. from the very beginning of our relationship he always tried to do all he could do for me.. to see me happier. Now.. he just recently got some bad news.. financially he is in a hole, he is stressing out about how he is going to come back out here & has a lot to worry about and deal with..like how he is going to continue paying for school in 2months so that he can finish up his degree. Plus there are nothing but problems back home. He is very down now.. actually Angry. A very angry person.. ever since he found out the news.. it seemed like he took a thousand steps backwards from me. He never wants to be on the phone anymore..
He is back home now for the summer.. so we are back to long distance for a few months, so all we have really is the phone.
Am I focusing too much on myself if I'm taking it to heart? and when we do talk he is very short with me.. seems like he is taking his anger out on me. He said "I'm sick of doing for everyone and no one ever does for me & now because i never thought about myself i put myself in a hole & i'm sick and tired of it and i'm doing sh*t my way from now on i don't give a sh*t about anything or anyone anymore" Blaming me ?? Well, to me those words are shocking to hear from him & also very harsh in my opinion. However just this morning we talked for a few minutes and he told me "I'm going through a hard time and don't want anyone else giving me a hard time. I'm not asking you for anything, I'm just not a person you want to be on the phone with & I don't want to be angry towards you so lets just stay off the phone" My good friend knows him and she knows me better than anyone..she tells me I just need to be more supportive and that shes certain he is just overly stressed & that i shouldn't pick at his words at a time like this, that i'm focusing too much on myself & that if he wants to be left alone to then give him that space--that it doesn't mean any harm to my relationship (my friend knows i can sometimes be a self-righteous person..so that explains her advice) plus shes witnessed a lot and knows a lot about how he's never given up on me. I do believe that this is just a rough time and he isn't trying to push me away.. and because he's always been there for me and has always been so forgiving I can do this for him. I do feel extremely bad.. i care about him a lot & don't like to hear him so distraught. My advice to myself is.. to try and give him his space, don't call and bother him.. let him call me & not over analyze things that he says.. and not to take everything too personal..To just help him through this & when its over IF anything is bothering me just talk to him about it?? what do you think? Any suggestions from you would help.. any HONEST input.. anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks doll!!
My Old Friend,
Sometimes, we all have to go through things, by ourselves. I think he is angry at the world right now. Let him have it. It's not easy being one of the good guys. Quite often, nice guys finish last. But...they can look in the mirror and answer to themselves in truth. While some people have it real gravy in this life and do not struggle, they will not have it in the next. Plus, those that had it, in this life, because they took it, will have it taken from them. It's all relevant.
I think you two have a wonderful thing. I believe he loves you whole heartedly. But I do believe you take his anger at his situation, personally. That would be easy to do, when you do your best to share your life, with someone. Yes, a good woman, feels her man's pain. She wears it and it can't be helped. You also analyze every word and pull it apart and look at it. But I don't think his words, spoken in anger are anything more than that. Yes, we do often hurt the ones closest to us, with our angry words. I just think he's really fighting with himself. He's a good man and he will work through it. I don't believe he meant a word of what he said. I think he'd love to mean it but he is a man of scruples and honor. So, give him space to work through it.
When he tells you that he does not want to talk, it is not because of you, it is because he knows his mind is in a bad frame and he knows he will take it all, out on you. He loves you and does not want to hurt you. He is actually protecting you from himself right now. Let him do it, he does know what's best.
Where there's a will, there's a way and he has the willpower to move mountains. He just needs to work through it and it is not easy. Back up and let him know you are there for him and you understand. You tell him, that you'd stand behind him, no matter what. When he is upset, don't take it to heart. As a man, he sees the world through different shades of doubt, worry and disappointment. He may actually equate this with his manhood and failure. That is actually big and a hurt piece. But he'll find a way.
You ask him, to let you know, when he needs you and you will be there. Try to remind him, that you know he'll work things out, he just needs to calm down and not let it own him. No, he must own it and the situation. I do believe in prayer. You pray for him and his situation. You pray for his strength and wisdom. You pray for his calm assurance. If you don't believe in prayer, you must believe in positive energy and it's flow. Negativity can pull us under. Be positive and in turn, it will bleed into the conversation. Do not be distraught. Hold your head up and be positive. But give him his space. If he needs to rant, let him but remember not to wear it. Remind him, no matter what, it'll be ok.