Sunday, June 10, 2007
This was sent to Aunt b via email...
I have asked out three girls in my life: the first two used the "let's just stay friends" option. The third, I tried a more subtle approach...
We became "more than friends" about a week ago. I had liked this girl for months and was all ready to become boyfriend and girlfriend -- I misread her feelings, however, and it turned out she was not. Now, we have dropped down to "just friends..." the same old rut I've been in for years. I asked her if there was a possibility that we could still hang out together, and not just slowly drift apart. She said, and I quote, "Yeah we can still be friends it's fine I think we just work better as friends." To which I replied, "Ok well maybe sometime this week we can find a time later to hang out? That wouldn't be too weird would it?" and she replied with "I guess not we can just see how it goes." We had some other chatter in which we agreed that we were both relieved that we had dropped to "just friends." I really wasn't relieved, the more I think about it I'm sad, but I understand this time that she doesn't feel the way I do, and I don't want to appear desperate (even though I am). I really want to see her again but the next time we can be together won't be for at least two weeks. We used to talk on the phone and stuff all the time, now if we do I always have to start the conversation and it's very forced on her part. She didn't ask me, but I told her I would stop calling/texting/IMing her until she does it to me; I told her I didn't want to get on her nerves. I don't mind being friends with her, but I would rather be boyfriend-girlfriend. I am lonely. I need a relationship in my life. Should I move on and find someone else to become "just friends" with? Or should I stick with her and see if maybe our romance picks up again?
I'm beginning to see a trend here, of guys and dating difficulty. So, don't think you're in this boat alone. I think part of the problem stems from the haphazard way, women approach things now, often with an arrogance, quite unbecoming. Todays woman is so fickle and I really don't think she knows what she wants. Today's woman, is a different breed than her mother or even before. I don't want this to be a commentary on women but I do realize that many guys can't read the gals anymore and are up against a mounting upheaval or so it may seem.
We are no longer rushing into marriage but in fact are delaying it, as well as having children, later in the game. Often times, if you ask a woman what she wants out of life, she'll tell you, to have a college degree, a career, children and a loving husband...usually in that order. In our quest for equality, I think we bit off more than we can chew and now we have mixed emotions and don't know what to do with it. Our instincts are to marry, have children and raise a family but something is saying to wait and become more fickle about the fella. Divorce rates are still up, despite this approach. In many ways, it's a responsible approach but in many ways, it breeds a woman, who really doesn't know what the hell she wants.
Having said, all that, what can you do, to weed through this quagmire, to possibly find your slice of happiness, in a relationship?
Knowing what I know, as a woman, I should tell you to pack your bags and go to a Monastery. Of course I'm kidding but you must learn how to play the game and study your situation. You have to play to win, right? Which means, you need to find a bit more patience and get back out there, in the dating scenario. But....I'd like you to wait, just a spell.
We are, a product of our environment, upbringing and so forth, are we not? Women have evolved, quite rapidly, whilst many men have found themselves in a whirlwind of wonder; wondering what the hell to do? Some guys are still old school, with the old school values and beliefs, while some have a foot in the old and the new. You must be acclimated to both. So, Aunt B, just what the heck are you saying?
My advice to you, is that this girl needs to go her own way. Let go of her and move on. You've done your part and if you are on her mind, she'll contact you again. I just don't have the impression, that you two can be or remain friends. I think she's part old school and once you two crossed that line from friends to lovers, she can't go back to just friendship as it feels more like the ex, than the ex friend. I know, it doesn't make much sense, does it.
You need some patience. I know for a fact that you will not grow old and do it alone. I'd love to see you take some time, to hone yourself and become a bit more assured, as to what you want, from life. Start by asking yourself, what do you have to offer. Now, let me make it clear to you, that I am not speaking in a monetary sense. While many women, look at a man by what he brings to the table in a monetary sense, you don't want that kind of girl, anyway. She's shallow and not your type. No, I do believe, you need a gal, that's down to earth, a team player, has a foot in both old and new, is not innocent but she's no sleaze. So, let's figure out, just how, she'll find you? Yes, I think she'll find you...
Sometimes, we need to go to college, to gain extra insight and practical application. It takes time to get a degree, along with focus on our objective and an actual sacrifice of ourselves for the betterment of our persona. We go to school or go for extended study, so we may have, a portfolio to offer, as a candidate in the business world. In other words, some of us are handed knowledge, some of us must work for it, Some of us, get it all; the job, the girl, the wonderful life. I am not one of those people and neither are you.
You must set a goal, a reasonable one, to have patience but not to sit idly by and watch the world revolve without you. I am simply telling you to walk away from it all and work on you, possibly for a six month period. The chief goal here, is to take that nasty word, "Desperation" out of your vocabulary. It is also to wean you from thinking that you must solve and resolve, your situation, over night.
I want you to do your homework. I want you to begin by looking in the mirror and having complete honesty with yourself. See the truth and the good qualities, you possess. Work on ridding yourself of those bad, insecure feelings. You have a possessive side, I'd like you to look at. It is difficult, once you've been burned, not to perceive women as anything other than the fiery temptresses. But more important, what is your perception of a relationship and your perception of a man and a woman, in union? Take note and remember what I just said.
Part of your homework, is to delve into yourself and become an entity that needs no one else, to stand, a sold foundation, in itself. You must become comfortable in your own skin, which you are not. There is a side of you that is still the shy and fumbling little boy. Women feel this, they sense it. You must work on you, before you have anything to give. You are a good man and if you step back and calculate your life, your maturity will grow. If you do not search but have a watchful eye, on your own surroundings, Mz. Right will walk through the door. Do not look for her in the bars, she is not there. Maybe a coffee shop?
I think you have a religious side, an upbringing on a religious level? Become Spiritual, not religious but Spiritual. Find that calmness, you once had. I think something happened and you lost quite a bit of confidence. You must find it and polish it up. Spend the next six months finding out who you are and concentrating on who you want to be. I sense that you have difficulty with this and have grown, quite impatient with yourself. You have an unnatural fear about an issue and you need to conquer it. Study it and it's nature, face it head on and then, you will own it.
This is the first time, I have said this but during the next six months, try to write some of your feelings down, in a journal. Hide that journal but try to write in it every day. Tell it what your true feelings were that day, the insecurities, the strengths, the weaknesses and begin to study yourself. It's been a long time, since you were honest with yourself and the issues you've been dealing with. You try to over look them and pretend they are not there. They are holding you back. You must meet those issues, head on and grapple with them and own them too.
If you do this, you will win and walk out with confidence. You do not like pain, who does? But you have been hurt in the past and with every new relationship, you've walked in with all this baggage. It is evident, so we must get rid of it. But how?
Each situation, that lands in your lap, whether it is your job, a friendship or relationship, you must speak perspective to yourself. You worry too much, for one thing. But in each situation, you must ask yourself and visualize what could go wrong. I do not mean, for you to dwell on it but to look it in the eye. Own it. If you meet someone and it does not work, you'll live. If you have a friendship and something goes wrong, you'll live, even if that friendship is broken off, even if they called you every name in the book, you'll live. If you meet a girl and you start to like her and something goes awry and she breaks up with you, you'll live. Each case, each scenario, you must put into perspective and realize that you are going to be just fine.
I think in a metaphorical way, you have placed yourself, way on top of a cliff and have that fear of falling. You need only to spin the perspective and see that, yes, in fact, you are up there but need only to calm down and step away from the edge. Don't analyze it so much, as you look for the answer. It is, simpler than you make it. It is to important to see, that you have a fear of heights, it's reasonable. So, back away from the edge and look at the steps it took, to get you there. Turn around and walk back down, calmly and patiently. This is your answer; Study you and put yourself into perspective.