Only For A Season

Aunt B apologizes emphatically for the long delay in answering your questions. I've had the Flu and have been quite consumed by it.


Hey Aunt B!

I have alot going on right now and its a bit hard to describe (and maybe a bit confusing) so ill start from the very beginning. I met a guy when i was a freashmen in high school and we have been best friends ever since. i couldnt live without him. Sometimes i think that Deejay knows more about me then i do myself lol. at that time i was in an phisical and emotional abusive relationship. this guy i was with constantly put me down and pushed me to the point where my self-confidence was 0. This realtionship went on for only 9 months...but yet did more damage then i could ever imagene. so when i broke it off with him, i went downhill. i started smoking and cutting and on the edge of suiside. Deejay had no idea about any of this of he wouldve killed me lol. anyway...im getting off track. me and Deejay were best friends for about 2 years and we both relised we wanted to be more. i relised i loved him twards the end of my sophmore year...and so did he. i was 16 and he was19. Everything was great at first. my parents wernt overly excited or anything but they were ok. they said hi when he came over just as usual and when they found out we were dating they didnt seem to care. i stopped cutting and was off the edge for suside. deejay worked with me to get through it and i did. everything seemed perfect. then my parents found out i was smoking. they put everything on him saying that he was a bad influence. and he is the reason i smoked. so we wernt allowed to see each other anymore. this is when everything started happening.

yes. so i went behind my mom and dads back. i lied to them and told them i was going to the store and go see him and i went through a really rebellious stage. there was so much going on between me and my parents i swore they hated me and they were so ignorant and i never took the time to think why they were saying these things. me and my mom never really had a good relationship before this but the situations didnt help. we wouldnt just fight over deejay, it was everything. some fights even got physical. i just couldnt take it anymore. i was so unhappy. so i started to plan to move out. the legal age in MO is 17. so i was planning on my 17th B-day to move out and live with him and his family. his family agreed. my parents went through my phone and found out i was planning this. so we sat down and had a talk. they told me i was no longer there child and i was just a person renting from there house. so basicly i could do whatever i want. but there was still fighting. eventually i got kicked out then called the cops on them to give me my things. i left and lived with deejay.i ended up going to school on and off and got pregnant. now im 18 now and he is 20. i now relise that all the lies i told to my parents and everything was wrong. and the fight me and my mom had couldve been avoided...she relises this too. i moved back in with my parents when i was 16 weeks due to a threatened miscarrige. i would have no way to the hospital otherwise. me and my mom have been best friends like mother and daughter should be. but anywho. i grew up alot, basicly because of me getting pregnant i had to grow up. anyway, im still pregnant im actually 40 weeks and my baby is 3 days past due. hopfully he comes soon! it sux. deejay found out his family had to move. my mom and deejay seemed like they were working out and deejay was really happy about this. so my mom actually asked deejay if he wanted to live with us. i was the one that said no. you see, his dad and me had a talk (this is where i lose complete respect for his father) he found out about the offer. so what he did is he made up this HUGE lie on how deejay had a job waiting in california that was able to get him a transfer back to MO. since deejaty was working only as a temp at his job at that time that sounded good. he also said how they finally had a car to give him and to use (his brothers old car cause he was apparently getting a new one) to go get his license finally and that he can just drive back out to MO and then he has a car to get around and to use to get the license registerd for MO. So, that sounded pretty good. Deejay would go to California and earn some money his pay would apparenty be very good so when he tarnsferred to MO in october that he would have enough money and a constant job to suport me and the baby and get an apartment. So i told my mom no. big mistake. now he is out in california with no job, no car, in the middle of the freakin dessert with 2 stores in walking distance and is sleeping on the living room floor in a 2 bedroom apartment. he was lucky enough to convince his uncle to fly back. he comesd back on the 19th of october.

NOW TO WHAT I NEED ADVICE ON:

when deejay left, me and my mom got closer. she never really said anything about him but occasionally she would bash him and say how he is nothing but a peice of white trast and he will never be anything and all that stuff she would say before.i ignored it. in my last 2or 3 months of pregnancy she pulls all this stuff out of her ass and starts saying how im not allowed to let deejay see the baby and he isnt a father hes a sperm donar. and how im not alloowed to take the baby outside and i cant do this with baby and he isnt allowed to come near the house. she even got a restraining rder against him for the house to make sure he doesnt see the baby. she says that he has no right to see him. she just sits there and crys how can i be so stupid and put my baby in danger. and how im going to mess him up if i let him see deejay. i dont get it. i dont know what to do. the reason deejay is coming out so late is because i convinced him to. i purposly did it so he would miss the birth. what kind of a person does that to the father of there child. deejay would do anything for this baby and i wont even let him se the birth. i did this to make my mom happy because she didnt want him there. i dont know what to do. i try to make deejay happy but then it hurts my mom and i dissapoint her more. i try to maKE my mom happy and i treat deejay like crap and that makes me feel like crap. i honestly am lost. am i supposed to pick sides? or am i supposd to choose who i want to hurt more? what do i do with the baby? i dont know is all i can say when i talk about this. i just dont know what to do. she tells me im not going to be a good mom and it makes me feel like i dont deserve to have this baby and i dhould give him up to be with a mother who actuallly knows what she is doing. im just feel so sick and tierd of feeling sick and tierd. its like i cant even make simple disisions anymore. and the thing with me and deejay? he asked me to marry him when he comes back. a girl is supposed to be happy. but im not. im not having a wedding until this gets straightend out. and you know what? he repects my dicidion even though it hurts him. he is a good guy. i just love them both just 2 different loves.what should i do with my bf and my mom??


plz respond back soon

~SARAH~



Dear Sarah,

Remember these words, "It is only for a season." These words came to me, to give to you. It means your situation is not forever and things are going to change.

I realize you are between a rock and a hard place, an especially bad scenario when you are pregnant. By now because of the delay in me answering you, I imagine you've had this baby. And things are going to change, I can already see it.

This lil' one will change you, change your Mom as well as Deejay...all for the better. In fact, I believe this so very much that I am going to answer this as if I already know those changes have come into place.

As I said, I'm envisioning you as having had your baby and the variables have changed. My suggestion to you is to realize that you are no longer a girl but a woman. You must always have respect for your Mother, always.

At the same time, she has got to come to the conclusion now, that you are no longer a little girl but the mother of a newborn, a woman and she should, should being the consummate word, treat you with the same respect she would expect. It's always a two-way street once you've become an adult anyway when it comes to the respect factor.

Ah yes, young love. Mom's been there, done that. So, you'd think she'd remember what it was like. She should also remember what it's like to be a new mother. Just as well, young women, these new mothers, across the world are doing this every day, at any given moment in time. In other words, it's not a novel approach or situation and the children do and can grow up to be model citizens.

At the same time, strife within the family structure and especially dissension between you two is the worst thing you can expose your child to. Sooooooo, what I'm getting at is the subject should be broached in a rational manner that you want to please your mother, keep yourselves on a positive path as well as making it clear that having her support is paramount to this situation. It's time for maturity to be part of the master plan here.

My suggestion to you is to print out this letter/answer and give it to Mom. Along with a letter of truce, stating that you want her in your life, need her especially for her grand-baby's sake and you pray that all will be well between the two of you. After all, we don't all live forever and a girl needs her Mama, not to mention that it's so very important for family to surround a baby.

In this letter of truce, you tell her that her blessings are important to you or you'd not have even written to me. This is self-evident but should simply be pointed out, in my humble opinion. The blessings I am speaking about are for her to try to understand that you love Deejay, not to mention that every child needs their Daddy. Ask for her blessings and understanding that sometimes we must let go and let God, let go of our children and pray for their safe passage in this life.

Another thing that is self -evident to me is the fact that you do tend to learn your lessons the hard way (just like your good ol' Aunt B) but you garner wisdom from those trials and tribulations and your err in judgment. This causes them to no longer be mistakes but "learning experiences."

The reasoning behind pointing this out to you is there's a healthy realization that you have where your Mother and your relationship with her is concerned. You are able to appreciate her and you should tell her so. In addition to this, simply spelling out your feelings is so extremely important for you.

At this juncture, I happen to know you could probably get State aid of some sort to help you as well as your baby, where housing is concerned. Then you could pursue things on your own accord. Think about that. In the interim, listen to these words;

You are a woman now. Speak to your Mother respectfully; woman to woman. And again, if it is easier for you to say all that needs to be said to plead your case and to make your point do it by writing that letter of truce.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Further Reading;

Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life

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It's All In The Approach

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is G****** and im e-mailing you because i feel like a have a million problems. First of all my family life sucks. My dad is a great guy but he is super bipolar and it scares me alot. Then my little sister is always trying to make my life impossible. Last but not least my mom and i do not get along at all. I want to tell her all my problems but i feel like she wont understand. She has never been the type of mom who you can tell anything to. Then there is the school issue. I was a straight A student last year and now my grades are going down. This scares me because my dad says that i have to get A's. I can't tell my mom how bad im doing because she'll tell my dad. The next thing is boys. I would love to be in love but i just don't think that love is for me because i have so many things going on. I'm the type of girl that just expects prince charming to come walking through the door and i know thats not doing to happen. I'm so confused about everything and i feel like im going to explode. Please help me. I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear G******,

O.K. G, first off, slow your row and stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone when it comes to feelings such as yours, as well as feeling like you can't communicate with your parents. That is an age old story. Not to say that your feelings are not real or valid. They are very real and I completely understand. I felt the same way but now I can look back and see that in every instance, every single circumstance, every minute of the day, I had choices I was just unable to see. You have them too, remember this.

I can clearly remember how I felt as a teenager and I too, often felt as if I could explode. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. You can't see it but I can. I know what's going on and it(been there, done that) is a classic case of hormones, growing from a girl to a woman and all that good stuff in between. It's not always pleasant, these feelings and emotions but I do urge you to try not to over analyze things...

I can already tell that you are a highly intelligent gal and an extremely deep thinker. You tend to think about things, sometimes to the point it makes you sick to your stomach. Before the problem even presents itself, you anticipate the outcome as well as worry about what you should do or how you should react. You tend to think with your mind instead of your heart and sway to asking yourself how you feel about any given situation. What I mean is that I'd bet that you often say to yourself, "I should feel" such and such, when the feelings don't come natural because you think about it before you allow yourself to feel just about anything/everything. It's a sense of detachment from yourself, a safety measure you instilled a long time ago. I don't know why this is but I can just tell. From emotional pain to emotional happiness, you have a sort of delayed reaction, first asking yourself just "how should I feel."

People like us, yes I said "us" tend to over analyze every thing someone says to anticipation of any circumstance. Instead of just going with the flow we tend to stop the flow and think about it first. We worry way too much, worry and wonder, worry and wonder till it makes us physically sick. This will affect you in future relationships, as well as situations if you do not become aware of it. A conscience awareness to just feel instead of thinking about it all first, is or should be a goal.

I think you are over thinking the ability to speak with your Mom as well. Now, right this very minute, you are saying, "but Aunt B you just don't understand," are you not? My Mom was a witch with a capital "B" and I can look back and remember how severely apprehensive, out and out scared I was about talking to her about anything. I always anticipated the very worst and basically ended up shutting down all forms of communication with my own Mother.

It's All In The Approach

Right now, you feel as if your Mom has no idea what you are going through. And she'll never know until you decide to sit her down and break the chain of events, as well as the lack of communication and anticipation of the very worst. What you fail to realize is that your Mom went through, possibly not the exact things you went through but I guarantee she had similar experiences. But more importantly, you possess the power, the choice to change this situation, this very relationship with your Mom as it now exists. You have a choice, oh yes you do. Mark my words. Now read that again!

You ask for an audience with your Mom. You tell her that you really need to talk with her and ask when it's a good time. Wait till you know she's not busy and can give you her full attention. Maybe even wait till your Dad's not home. You might feel less apprehensive, more open if Dad's not even in the house. Then, you say these exact words;

"Mom, if I can't talk to you, if I can't trust you, who can I talk to or trust?"


We choose our words, those words very carefully for a reason. By saying that exact phrase, Mom would have to quickly look at and deduce that the lines of communication between the two of you needs to be open and maintained. If it's not open and you felt you couldn't come to her for guidance, then really what kind of relationship do you have? Now, I know, as I said, that you are a deep thinker so I have all the confidence in the world that can pull this off. You think before you speak, think before you even go to Mom.

You ask Mom if you can confide in her? Tell her your feelings are very private and you will not tell her everything unless she will keep it all in confidence. See, somewhere along the line, through all these years, you've grown apart from your Mom. That is almost a natural event, most of us girls go through. Then we get to the age where we believe our Mom's can't understand and don't know diddly squat. We might even think they're pretty stupid and they sure don't know what's happening.

This breakdown in the communication lines is usually the fault of both parties, you as well as your Mother. But it doesn't have to be this way and as I stated before, you possess the power to change it. I'm not saying by sitting down with your Mom that it will make you two best friends. But I do believe that even at your age, you have far more choices and power than you realize you possess.

So, you sit her down and you talk to her. What's the absolute worst thing that could happen from that? Test the waters. Only tell her a little bit at first with the understanding that she's to keep it all under her hat and not tell your father. Then little by little you talk to her. Tell her, "Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship, I need to know that I can come and talk to you."

Let her know that you are trying in school but it has become difficult. I might also suggest going to your school guidance counselor and unloading especially if you are apprehensive about talking to your parents. Let them know that you are having a hard time. That's what tutors are for. People who have problems in school will keep their problems until such time as they reach out and let people know that they are having a hard time. Remember that no one is perfect, including myself. We all have strong points as well as weak spots. You just might need a little support system. But no one will know you are having a hard time until you let them know how you really feel and seek help. By the way, there's not a darn thing wrong with asking for help, it's only wrong when you don't ask and allow yourself to fall.

As far as your love life is concerned, "Good things come to those that wait." Concentrate on you right now. Get yourself strong inside as well as out and all will be well in your world. Prince Charming? Hah, there's no such thing, it is a fairy tale but there is a guy out there who will give you his world, including his last name but you must first work on you, getting your mind right and then he will notice you. It will be your beautiful smile that will catch his attention. Not a forced grin but that warm and genuine smile you have just waiting to show itself again.




Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

More Bees with Honey

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am a 39-year-old single mother with a 6-year-old daughter. Over two years ago I moved in with my mother to go to school full time and get a degree in respiratory therapy. My mother and I agreed that she would help me out with my daughter when I started working because of the 12 hours shifts that I work in the hospital. Now I am working and I don't like the way she takes care of my daughter when I'm not here. (Basically she ignores and neglects her just like she did me). I am so mad at myself for deluding myself into thinking that my mom would be any different now.

Now I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school for a career that would pay much less but allow me to work 9-5 with weekends off. I make enough money right now to live on my own, but I need my mother's help. If I change careers I won't need my mother's help but I probably won't be able to live on my own very successfully. I don't want to go back to living on the edge financially. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Dear Reader,

No, I don't think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can understand your concerns for your daughter.

When it comes to our kids, rarely does anyone fit the standards or the way we would love and care for our own children. I was even funny about my own Mother or Mother-in-Law as well, watching my own children. My Mom was rather mean, strict beyond strict and she didn't show equal amounts of love, the love I felt is so necessary, along with that strict discipline. Yes, eventually, a kid will get the idea that you don't care too much for them if all you do is discipline them.

This is a tricky question, simply because I don't really know to what degree your Mom is being negligent. I mean no neglect is right and children need interaction to thrive. Neglect is a harsh word, one which implies so much or the lack thereof. Neglect can in fact be a criminal matter, in the fullest content of the word. So, I guess my question would be is she really "neglecting" your daughter and not caring for her needs or is she just not spending enough time with her?

I hope that she is not out and out neglecting her, in a criminal aspect? If she is, I'd advise you to get out and do the proper thing by removing your daughter from the situation. Only you can answer the real ramifications of this.

If neglect is not the proper word for this situation and your Mom is simply ignoring her but does care for her, then I would propose offering a more structured routine for your Mom to look at. A proposal of activities, possibly, may be in order. You could ask Mom to help your daughter with some activity stating that you are tapped out?

Is it possible to speak to Mom, letting her first know how much you appreciate her help but then lowering the boom? You could/must do it diplomatically. She doesn't even have to know that your ulterior motive is to get her to do more. But you could state that you feel your daughter needs a little more interaction, more activities other than sitting and watching T.V. or whatever. Go the distance and maybe buy some activity books, cards and so on and bring them out and ask her if she'll help your daughter with them. Quite possibly, you could even tell a lil white lie and say the school has asked your daughter, to do this and that and because of your schedule, you're having a hard time, getting everything done. Stretch it a bit and say you had a conference with the school and their suggestions require your daughter to do at home activities, i.e. flash cards, etc. Then you ask could Mom help out? You have to kind of fluff her ego by telling her that you realize she already does so much but if she could help you with this, it would make all the difference?

It's commendable for you, as a single Mom, to go back and try to improve your life. So, I would surely hope you can find some half way point, some sort of compromise. To take steps backwards will not help you and your daughter later, down the road.

Mom just may need some directives and a knowing need, an appreciative need for her extra help. Then, you try to stay on top of the program by asking your Mom for progress reports, at the end of the day. In other words, in front of your daughter, you say something like, "So, what did you and Grandma do today? Did you use your flash cards?" Make this question part of your regimen, your end of the day conversation with your daughter. See, I think if Grandma knows there's an accountability, to a certain extent, as to what was accomplished each and every day, she may get into the swing of things, activity wise.

I don't have any real answers other than showing your Mom the way but not letting on, that in fact, you are challenging her to more interaction with your daughter. But you just can't let on that your motive is what it is. Yes, it might be a sneaky move but acting as if you need her and not in a demanding or accusatory fashion, may be your only way.

Sometimes, you have to be smarter than the average bear. Sometimes, you fight fire with fire. But you'll always get more bees with honey than vinegar. One more cliche'; Flattery will get you everywhere. Yes, use flattery to get what you desire with your Mom. Even if you have some resentments from your own childhood, wouldn't it be refreshing and empowering to control the situation by getting results with that flattery? I mean really, wouldn't you have the sense of control by turning the tables? If you tell Mom that you so appreciate all that she does for you because you couldn't reach your goals without her help, the psychology behind the mix would dictate that she'd feel almost obligated to fulfill or make good on those compliments. See, she'll begin to think to herself, that, "Hey, maybe I should do all these things that she's saying such nice things about."

It's almost reverse psychology, you see? Imagine if your boss thanked you for things, gave you credit for things you'd not really done yet? Then imagine what your thought process would be: "Oh, I'd better get to work here and actually do these things, my boss keeps complimenting me about." Yes, more bees with honey!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Semblence of Solvency

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My 25 year old daughter moved back home with my husband and me after living out-of-state for the past 2 years. She's working on her PhD and we agreed she could live with us for one year while she worked on her dissertation. Her target date to receive her degree is either Dec 2008 or May 2009. While we agreed on a $300/month rent, we did not draw up a formal lease like we did when she used to live with us. She has a part-time teaching job at a women's college and received some scholarship and grant monies so she does have income, albeit not a huge amount.

The problem is boundaries. She lives in the basement which is very spacious and private. She likes to nap in our living room on the main floor and watch TV in the kitchen while snacking. She doesn't straighten up the couch or the table after she's done and we find we wash up her dishes or put her things away because she gets very defensive and argumentative. She likes to get into arguments with her dad and can be very annoying with sing-song, baby talk, or talking inappropriately. For example, every day she'll say things like her "scallop reeks" (referring to her scalp) or that her stools are "fudgy" and that our dog is a "rancid-emu-piglet." For the most part her father ignores her. Because he's from another country, she likes to say things specifically to me that she knows he doesn't "get." Often she'll flap her arms and prance around obviously for the attention. We have a little dog she's fond of that she gets too close to until he growls.

When we've addressed our concerns and frustrations, she likes to drag out old issues. She will say we're picking on her, being hypercritical, or will mock us. You see, we dealt with problems with her behavior from the time she was 13 until 19 that required treatment which included meds, counseling and group homes. She was very resentful about what she had to endure and is still carrying around a lot of emotional baggage.

Her main diagnoses was anxiety,depression and low self-esteem, issues which I hoped she'd "grow out of." Her behavior was so explosive around 17 that we worried she'd even graduate from high school (so many of her friends dropped out). Well, she did and then some. She went to college, worked hard, got her bachelors, 2 masters and now is working towards her doctorate. We're very proud of her achievements but she insists on downplaying them and says we played and still play favorites with her older brother who is 30, married and a doctor.

When I suggest she pay for her own groceries ( those things only she likes to eat ) or pay for her own meals when we go out to eat, she gets upset and says she's not making much and that she's already paying us $300 she "can't afford" and that we didn't charge her brother while he was living at home and going to medical school. She makes a lot of excuses as to why she can't do this or that or seems to want us to feel guilty.

Now, her "Dr. Jekyll" side is when she goes out to her teaching job or visits colleagues because she dresses up nicely, acts appropriately, and writes brilliantly (she does book reviews and writes impressively). She's given lectures and participated in conferences. She has no deep friends at all and just hangs at home with us. I'm afraid that come next July she will say she's not gotten her degree yet and will want to extend her stay with us. I'm also afraid that our relationship is becoming more strained. Why don't I "evict" her? I guess part of me is afraid of her "dark evils" that are apparently still bothering her, problems she's never overcome. I've suggested she get counseling to deal with the anxieties and depression but she's convinced it's worthless. I don't want to push her over the edge but she's pushing us closer to ours.

"Losing Our Marbles."

Dear Losing Our Marbles,

I can feel the frustration level here, loud and clear. I think it's rather justified too, I might add. But even in situations, such as this, there are answers and compromise, to be found. Let's see if we can't find some semblance of solvency.

Have you ever noticed, quite often, that some of the most brilliant minds, have very little common sense? I can't fathom it but I see it every day, a million times over, a million examples. I don't know? You either have common sense or you don't? Then, I suppose, those of us with some common sense must often times, escort those, without, through life? Is your daughter one of those not blessed with good ol' common sense?

It sounds to me, that your daughter is certainly, a success, in many ways. I can tell you are very proud of her, rightfully so. It also sounds to me, that in some areas, her maturity level is lacking, though? At the same time, even you know her capabilities, concerning appropriate behavior. I mean, you've mentioned how well she presents, when in a studious fashion, business like and professional. So, it leaves me to believe that she behaves that way because she chooses to and feels she can. Maybe, somehow, we need to change her perception of what she can and can not do, at least whilst in your home.

Yes, let me remind you that it is your home and you are being generous, by allowing her to live there. We owe our children nothing but love, teaching of faith, values and beliefs, shelter and food, until such time as they become an adult. No, we don't owe them a college education or shelter costs, etc. or it'd be a law. Then, if it was a law, it'd be negligence, if we didn't send them or help out, concerning that education. My point is that, there's a strong possibility that she has a somewhat sense of entitlement, as to what you "owe" her. She obviously does not, realize the gift you have given, by trying to make it easier, on her, to obtain that education. Surely, she does not see, just how fortunate she is, to have that support. I employed many, many college students, struggling to make ends meet. I watched, first hand, as they had to juggle, almost full time positions and their education. So, how can we make her aware, of her good fortune and to appreciate it?

Pull Up Your Eyebrows

I'd like to slip in an awareness of perception, first though, an observation, I'd like you to look closely at and then we'll move on...

Familiarity breeds contempt, doesn't it? It's not easy, living with anyone, not even your own spouse. Couple that with a daughter who walks on air, oblivious to her attitude, lack of good form and that good ol' common sense and you have the breeding ground for an all scale war, in the mix. You've come to the point where she's got on your last nerve with her baby talk, innuendo's and escalating argumentative attitude. But in all fairness, remember, if you are looking for fault, you will find it. Even if you don't mean to, everything she does at this point, probably drives you nuts. She's invaded your territory, rather sloppily, I might add and you may have to just address the whole shabang, in tandem. The building resentment is not healthy for you. Eventually, you'll say or do something, you may regret. Let's nip it in the bud.

I always write about putting your problematic prose on paper. Anytime I felt overwhelmed by a situation that I knew I would have difficulty addressing, I would begin to write it all down, how I felt, what I wanted from the situation and so forth. You have a captive audience and are able to say what needs to be said, with calculating accuracy. When you give the person the letter, all is said without you being cut off, from what you are trying to say, as well, the conflict is not escalated or made worse, right?

I would begin this letter, by making it very clear that you love your daughter and can not say just how proud you are of her. You'll make it clear to her, that this is why you are helping her because you want her to be successful. Then, you tell her that it is your duty as a Mother to inform her, to be honest and to say what needs to be said. I will remind you again, that this is your home. Your home has been disrupted by her behavior and lack of sensitivity to certain situations. You give her the basic requests, which are actually the ground rules but you've worded it in a manner that is not offensive or condescending, right? You'll let he know that she is an adult and must respect your home and be mindful of cleaning up after herself. It's the little things that can often matter and like wise, those little things can build big bonfires, if let go.

It's all a matter of respect. Mutual respect. No, you don't need to evict her just set the stage for how things will go in your home, that's it, that's all. Ask her how she would feel, if you came down and trashed her room or her home, left things strewn about, as if the maid was coming. It's just a clear cut case of a lack of respect. Then, you ask her if this was what she was trying to convey? If she does respect her Father and yourself, she'll be and behave in a respectful manner in your home.

On a final note, I would love to see you, walk away from at least some of that guilt, you carry, for your daughter. None of us have it great coming up. I was abused and I was not always a good Mother, myself. All we can do, is when we are made aware of something we've done wrong, either by their admission or our own, we will be big enough to apologize, a heart felt apology and learn from it. Be aware that she is using guilt to keep you in check. Don't let her do it anymore. You are doing both of you a huge disservice by allowing it to go on. It's not truthful emotion, it's not healthy and it's not fair. Your daughter needs to count her blessings and be grateful for what she has, has had and will have because of your sacrifice. Remember this.



Duty as mother is;