Monday, September 8, 2008

It's All In The Approach

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is G****** and im e-mailing you because i feel like a have a million problems. First of all my family life sucks. My dad is a great guy but he is super bipolar and it scares me alot. Then my little sister is always trying to make my life impossible. Last but not least my mom and i do not get along at all. I want to tell her all my problems but i feel like she wont understand. She has never been the type of mom who you can tell anything to. Then there is the school issue. I was a straight A student last year and now my grades are going down. This scares me because my dad says that i have to get A's. I can't tell my mom how bad im doing because she'll tell my dad. The next thing is boys. I would love to be in love but i just don't think that love is for me because i have so many things going on. I'm the type of girl that just expects prince charming to come walking through the door and i know thats not doing to happen. I'm so confused about everything and i feel like im going to explode. Please help me. I would like to remain anonymous.

Dear G******,

O.K. G, first off, slow your row and stop being so hard on yourself. You are not alone when it comes to feelings such as yours, as well as feeling like you can't communicate with your parents. That is an age old story. Not to say that your feelings are not real or valid. They are very real and I completely understand. I felt the same way but now I can look back and see that in every instance, every single circumstance, every minute of the day, I had choices I was just unable to see. You have them too, remember this.

I can clearly remember how I felt as a teenager and I too, often felt as if I could explode. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. You can't see it but I can. I know what's going on and it(been there, done that) is a classic case of hormones, growing from a girl to a woman and all that good stuff in between. It's not always pleasant, these feelings and emotions but I do urge you to try not to over analyze things...

I can already tell that you are a highly intelligent gal and an extremely deep thinker. You tend to think about things, sometimes to the point it makes you sick to your stomach. Before the problem even presents itself, you anticipate the outcome as well as worry about what you should do or how you should react. You tend to think with your mind instead of your heart and sway to asking yourself how you feel about any given situation. What I mean is that I'd bet that you often say to yourself, "I should feel" such and such, when the feelings don't come natural because you think about it before you allow yourself to feel just about anything/everything. It's a sense of detachment from yourself, a safety measure you instilled a long time ago. I don't know why this is but I can just tell. From emotional pain to emotional happiness, you have a sort of delayed reaction, first asking yourself just "how should I feel."

People like us, yes I said "us" tend to over analyze every thing someone says to anticipation of any circumstance. Instead of just going with the flow we tend to stop the flow and think about it first. We worry way too much, worry and wonder, worry and wonder till it makes us physically sick. This will affect you in future relationships, as well as situations if you do not become aware of it. A conscience awareness to just feel instead of thinking about it all first, is or should be a goal.

I think you are over thinking the ability to speak with your Mom as well. Now, right this very minute, you are saying, "but Aunt B you just don't understand," are you not? My Mom was a witch with a capital "B" and I can look back and remember how severely apprehensive, out and out scared I was about talking to her about anything. I always anticipated the very worst and basically ended up shutting down all forms of communication with my own Mother.

It's All In The Approach

Right now, you feel as if your Mom has no idea what you are going through. And she'll never know until you decide to sit her down and break the chain of events, as well as the lack of communication and anticipation of the very worst. What you fail to realize is that your Mom went through, possibly not the exact things you went through but I guarantee she had similar experiences. But more importantly, you possess the power, the choice to change this situation, this very relationship with your Mom as it now exists. You have a choice, oh yes you do. Mark my words. Now read that again!

You ask for an audience with your Mom. You tell her that you really need to talk with her and ask when it's a good time. Wait till you know she's not busy and can give you her full attention. Maybe even wait till your Dad's not home. You might feel less apprehensive, more open if Dad's not even in the house. Then, you say these exact words;

"Mom, if I can't talk to you, if I can't trust you, who can I talk to or trust?"

We choose our words, those words very carefully for a reason. By saying that exact phrase, Mom would have to quickly look at and deduce that the lines of communication between the two of you needs to be open and maintained. If it's not open and you felt you couldn't come to her for guidance, then really what kind of relationship do you have? Now, I know, as I said, that you are a deep thinker so I have all the confidence in the world that can pull this off. You think before you speak, think before you even go to Mom.

You ask Mom if you can confide in her? Tell her your feelings are very private and you will not tell her everything unless she will keep it all in confidence. See, somewhere along the line, through all these years, you've grown apart from your Mom. That is almost a natural event, most of us girls go through. Then we get to the age where we believe our Mom's can't understand and don't know diddly squat. We might even think they're pretty stupid and they sure don't know what's happening.

This breakdown in the communication lines is usually the fault of both parties, you as well as your Mother. But it doesn't have to be this way and as I stated before, you possess the power to change it. I'm not saying by sitting down with your Mom that it will make you two best friends. But I do believe that even at your age, you have far more choices and power than you realize you possess.

So, you sit her down and you talk to her. What's the absolute worst thing that could happen from that? Test the waters. Only tell her a little bit at first with the understanding that she's to keep it all under her hat and not tell your father. Then little by little you talk to her. Tell her, "Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship, I need to know that I can come and talk to you."

Let her know that you are trying in school but it has become difficult. I might also suggest going to your school guidance counselor and unloading especially if you are apprehensive about talking to your parents. Let them know that you are having a hard time. That's what tutors are for. People who have problems in school will keep their problems until such time as they reach out and let people know that they are having a hard time. Remember that no one is perfect, including myself. We all have strong points as well as weak spots. You just might need a little support system. But no one will know you are having a hard time until you let them know how you really feel and seek help. By the way, there's not a darn thing wrong with asking for help, it's only wrong when you don't ask and allow yourself to fall.

As far as your love life is concerned, "Good things come to those that wait." Concentrate on you right now. Get yourself strong inside as well as out and all will be well in your world. Prince Charming? Hah, there's no such thing, it is a fairy tale but there is a guy out there who will give you his world, including his last name but you must first work on you, getting your mind right and then he will notice you. It will be your beautiful smile that will catch his attention. Not a forced grin but that warm and genuine smile you have just waiting to show itself again.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

No comments: