Tough Love

Dear Aunt Babz,

My adult son and his girlfriend have new cars and several pets and have not worked in 3 months and now are on the verge of not having a place to live. they need money now should i give them some? i am on a fixed income and hardly able to make my own payments. should i try to find them money from someone else. they live in a different state so i don't know anyone where they live.

Dear Friend,
I have mixed emotions on this just as you do. Our children own our hearts and it hurts us to see them suffer in any way, doesn't it?

Two wrongs never make a right, do they? What I mean is this; If you give them money, you will also suffer the consequences of it all and they will not feel anything but a cushion from the experience. They might need to learn a few things here, such as living within their means. That means not having Champagne taste on a beer budget. They may need to learn that in a tight situation comes a point where you must lower your standards and do what you have to do to make ends meet. If that entails working at a job that is less than their own expectations, in example, working at McDonald's when they'd rather work at a fine dining restaurant, then sometimes we just gotta do what we just gotta do.
Tough Love

I don't know about you but I've had to learn all these things myself, often times, the hard way. As well, I had to work, "beneath my own standards," to make ends meet and to care for my children as a single mother. My husband died when my kids were little. I really had no marketable skills although in my mind, I was valuable. But if you do not have that paper, you know the one that says you have a degree in this or that, without that paper, you are only valuable in your own mind. Until you prove otherwise. Actually, until you are given the opportunity to prove your value, you must often times start in an entry level job and work your way up the ladder.
Tough Love

I know that you hurt for them. I know that under no uncertain terms do you ever want them to suffer. But it is detrimental to their development to dig themselves out with nothing more than your gentle guidance. Possibly you could give them some ideas as to how to acquire the money themselves but don't do it for them. No, they must walk through their own fire to become forged into productive and learned citizens.
Tough Love

Now, if it comes down to them being kicked out and the very worst case scenario is they have to go to a shelter, it won't kill them. In fact it may spur them on to get out of that situation and to find a job doing whatever it takes to keep themselves in a home, food on the table and provide for their pets.
Tough Love

By you handing them money, you are delaying the inevitable;

I guaran damn tee you. Yes, it is a case of being between a rock and a hard place for you both. And the bare facts are that you can not give them enough money to put a dent in their situation. It will only pull you down as well. Possibly, you can relay that you will send them gas money to get to look for a job in their new cars but you can not do anything more than that.
Tough Love

It is not selfish on your part to not just hand them money, just in case you are toying with that emotion. It would actually be irresponsible for you to just send them money fully knowing that it's only going to cause you to get behind on your own bills. You can't save the world on a fixed income, now can you? You can however use this situation as a teaching tool, as well as to pray for them. Again, I suggest that you give them careful guidance and emotional support.
Tough Love

Speak to them and let it be known that you will ask some questions, simply to guide, not to indict or point the finger. Let it be known that you only want to help not hinder. Ask them why they have not been able to find a job in 3 months? Now, I don't know the situation as to their qualifications and so on but they must look at what placed them in this precarious situation?
Tough Love

I assume that they both had jobs in order to obtain new cars, as well as have an apartment or home of their own right? What caused them to lose that job? What was the behavior that caused this onset of drastic measure? Even more importantly; what have they done to get themselves out of it, since they lost their jobs?
Tough Love

I have a firm belief that people that can't find a job don't want a job badly enough. I have a firm belief that if you want to work badly enough, you'll find a way. I have a firm belief that as soon as a person realizes that help will not find them, they must seek it out and stop sitting on their laurels, in hopes that someone, maybe even you will come along and save them, nothing good will happen. In other words, poop or get off the pot, stop bitching and do something and especially, stop playing the victim.
Tough Love

See my friend, it's called enabling if you just hand them money, especially when it is going to harm you in one way or another. Yes, you will both suffer for the action; they will not learn from it and you will only buffer things for a minute and you will get behind on your affairs. You will actually be doing more harm than good to/for both of you.
Tough Love

My advice to you is to speak with them concerning a game plan. You might possibly suggest that they both find a job, any job before it's too late. You might suggest that they turn in their new cars and get an older one? You might suggest that they could move in with friends or family in their State until they find work. You could suggest calling the Salvation Army or Catholic Charities, in their area for possible resources available. There may not be too many if they are considered capable of working but they might steer them in the right direction. They might even contact their Department of Welfare for such things as emergency Food Stamps and so on.
Tough Love

That last paragraph is actually somewhat of a test. If they tell you, "Oh, we couldn't possibly do any of those things," then they surely have what I commonly refer to as a "Big Feeling Attitude," a BFA. Their Pride will be there own demise. And they most assuredly need to look in the mirror, assess the situation and their lives, dig out and learn from it. Don't cushion the fall; don't enable bad behaviors but most of all "Let Go & Let God." If you are a believer, pray fervently for their safe passage, doors to be opened and life lessons to be learned.
Tough Love


No, life doesn't always deal the cards fairly, does it? Some of us struggle to make it in this world. And some of us have had nothing handed to us. But the very best of the best in this life have had to work hard for everything we have. We sure appreciate the little things as well and take nothing for granted. We came to realize that there is no such thing as a hand out or free lunch. We came to understand that other than God, we are absolutely alone in this world and must fend for ourselves. And just to put it into perspective...what if you were no longer with us, what would they do?

Here, let me answer that for you; they would go out, one or both of them, find the first job they could whether it felt a bit demeaning or not, work hard for that paycheck that will come within two weeks and pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. They would also appreciate that money and begin to live within their means. Yes, it's some hardcore tough love to the 9th power but when the day comes that you are looking down from the heavens, you will know that your son was taught well and will be alright. He'll then pass on these good values and beliefs to your Grandchildren and all will be well.

With age comes wisdom, does it not? I will pray for your calm assurance.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz