Rough Patch

Dear Aunt B,

A while ago I went through a bit of a rough patch, I withdrew myself from my
friends and stopped going out with them. I felt very depressed and I don't know why.
Now i'm feeling so much better and I just wanted things to go back to normal with my friends but it didn't. I have no close friends anymore and i feel stupid trying to
talk to people who have no interest in me. They're not outright mean but they never
invite me to go out anywhere and I feel pathetic asking if I can come. I feel like I have lost so much of myself and i don't know what to do. I've tried making other friends but its my final year at school and everyone has their own friendships.Its just really hard because I have no one to talk to at all. What do you think i should do?

lisa


Dear Lisa,

I do so apologize for the delay in answering you. I am knee deep in taking care of my newest Grandbaby and am rather consumed. Quite actually, I think I'm in love with this sweetest of babies but non the less, I thank you for your patience.

The first thing that comes to mind was the adage, "You can never go home again." That means that once you leave, even a vacancy if only in your mind, well, things will never be the same. See, while you were in your head and going through what you were going through, life, people, every day living kept on going.

The second thing that comes to mind is the very fact that while you were going through this "rough patch" was anyone even there for you? If they tried and you pushed them away, that's one thing. But if they did not try, well, my conclusion is an obvious one; They were not 'good friends' to begin with. At least not in the sense of the word "friendship" that I know of???

Babz' Girlfriends Creed

I'll jump through fiery hoops to help you,
I'll pick up the pieces he's left behind,
I'll cry with you and wipe your snotty nose,
I'll eat M & M's and Ice Cream with you if it helps,
I'll answer the phone at 4am and swear like a seasoned Sailor with you,
I'll drive around half the night till we find him,
I'll help you bury the body... Then, I'll let you borrow my new lipstick, you know just to shine and freshen up!

from Bluff Backfired

For real though, unless you pushed everybody away, you'll need to redefine yourself and fashion yourself into an independent individual who does not need friends. It is then and only then that true friends will be found.

Just for the sake of opportunity, this premise that I just mentioned "you'll need to redefine yourself and fashion yourself into an independent individual who does not need friends" applies to how you'll relate to a potential suitor as well.

I hope you've addressed why you went through this rough patch, as depression tends to visit, quite often when we least expect it???

First and foremost, I hope you'll see that when God closes one door, He opens another and another. Look for that door of opportunity. Also remember that all things happen for a reason.

Whatever that reason may be, it will be up to you to find it. It may have been to save your life from a disastrous situation. Was someone you ran with hurt in an accident or something of that nature?

If I were you, I'd find something to hold your interests; a hobby, take long walks, etc. You must realize that at your age, "You'll want what you want when you want it NOW." Unfortunately, life does not work this way so you'll need to form some patience.

(In The Zone)

Ah yes, patience is the virtue you need to work on as I see things jumping off for you...just as soon as you begin to realize that friends do not make or break you.

A part of me can see that for the most part, you are extremely independent, kind of a loner? Quite often you wish to stay holed up in your room, stuck in your head as you do so tend to over analyze everything and anything.

I'd like to see you step out into one thing, one adventure, something you'd not normally do. Allow yourself to be led by your heart and not your head. This very well may open up those doors.

Yes, patience is your answer!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

The Strong One

Dear Aunt B,

I REALLY like this boy, but his dad is dating my mum, is that wrong? I told one friend but she doesn’t think its wrong but Im still not sure. I don’t know what to do … I’d love to kiss him but Im not confident, because I’ve never been asked out by a boy, flirted with or kissed one. There’s nothing wrong with me … I’m skinny, Long haired and I have a nice personality but no boy has ever taken interest in me … apart from the 10 year olds in my backstreet, but Im 13 and so is the boy I like. I don’t think Im pretty, but I thought of some suggestions for you to help me with: 1.Should I just say “I LIKE you.” And walk away. 2. Should I wear all sexy clothes and be confident because I wear baggy jeans, baggy tops and fleeces, apparently I have nice legs. Should I go all tight topped, short skirts and act sexy because I have those clothes just never wear them. I’d be comfortable in them if it would make him like me. I won’t change my personality but I need new clothes and a new attitude. I mean some boys like the sexy type of girl. 3. Should I20just kiss him and walk away – it will get the message across. 4. Should I wear the sexy clothes and kiss him. I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate. I haven’t told any other friends and all the boys at school think Im frigid. I hate that, but if I did kiss him and he likes me back I wouldn’t want my mum’s boyfriend, my mum or my sister to find out. It would make me so happy if he likes me. Maybe if you could ask some boys around my age what they think it would help a lot. Please help ASAP.

Thanks

From

Love struck and Unsure x

Dear Love struck and Unsure x,

The first thing that comes to my mind is to tell you to never change who you are to please anybody. Now, there's not a thing wrong with brightening up the package but I encourage you to continue to be you.

As well, I see nothing wrong with you liking this guy, even if his Dad is dating your Mum. I don't encourage it for a few reasons though. For one, if your Mum breaks up with his Dad, it may make it hard on you, on your relationship. And just as it might go the other way, where as your Mum might become serious with this fella, that scenario as well could present problems.

What I mean is the fact that if your Mum were to marry this guy, the guy you like would then become your step-brother. Then, it might be frowned upon because he then becomes family. It is not the first time this has happened and in fact, before my own step-brother became family because his Dad married my Mom, I had a crush on him. It then made it pretty weird and I no longer pursued anything more than friendship.

So these are a few things you should consider. Think it through and remember "there are millions of fish in the sea." What that means is that I would encourage you to realize that there are so many guys in the world for you to choose from, maybe you should not get involved with this one?

Now, if you feel you absolutely must because, as you said, "I love him; I’ve never felt this way about a boy before and Im desperate.," you'll have to keep in mind that this could open a whole can of worms, possibly making it difficult for all those involved. This is a decision only you can weigh or make.

The next thing I want to address is that you called yourself, "Frigid." I think you are far from that, I can just tell. I happen to believe that you were just not interested in any one guy up to this point. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Girls your age are often more mature than guys your age. It's a fact that for the most part, girls mature quicker than boys, too. But it's a truly wonderful age, one I enjoyed myself. I can also remember being sooooo in love with a certain guy and then the next week, viewing him as a complete dork and I'd wonder what did I ever see in him. Mark my words, you'll find yourself in the same situation.

At this age, you can be quite wishy washy, in love one minute, out of love the next. It's normal. Hormones run rampant and it's usually a time of exploration. You want to experience everything, especially what is considered "adult" stuff. And at 13 you find yourself wanting to be all grown up.

But being all grown up comes with so many disadvantages. If I could give you any advice it would be to not rush things. At this age, you already feel grown up, you might even believe you know it all. I know I did and I rushed towards doing all the adult things, if you will; Sex, Drugs and all the things that are supposed "adult" things.

I wrote about it here and I hope you will take the time to read it;

"Meet Mrs.Know Itall; How To Screw Up Your Life"

Growing up sucks, being an adult is so over rated. I implore you to at least read my answer to another teen as is a bit part of my story.

I can tell that you are a wonderful young lady, bright and bubbly, a bit misunderstood but one who stands firmly if you believe in something strongly enough. Yes, you are still a bit of a tomboy, so am/was I and I encourage you, as I stated before, to just be you.

Normally, you are never concerned with what people think of you. Suddenly because you like this guy, you want to change who you are. Be yourself at all times.

I see that right now, you are not sure who you are. You are still trying to figure this out. Let me tell you what I see;

(In the Zone)

"I see a young girl who has extremely strong values and beliefs. You are pretty and this is not even an 'Ugly Duckling' story. You can be hard on yourself which is good if it is about getting things done, i.e. homework and such. It is bad if you continue to be so harsh about your own looks. You have to keep in mind that right now, it is an awkward stage/age. You will grow out of all this and become the beauty that you can not see just yet. Continue to stand for the 'underdog' as you tend to do. All this will serve you later. You as well as your life will be successful if you do not lose track of what is important. I can see that if you fall into the pattern of putting things off, it will catch you un-awares. I can also see that you will have a problem with addiction if you do not say 'NO' loud and clear. Be proud that you march to a different drummer. You will always be the one your peers look up to if you continue to be strong. You are a leader, even though you can not see it. They do/will look up to you and you must be the strong one. See, you will and can affect so many lives if you use this strong backbone that you do/will have. If you remember that they are watching and looking to you for answers, if you continue to think things through before you do, it will serve you all the days of your life. It will also help countless others."

You have so much to offer and you must remember this!
Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Just Live

Dear Aunt Babz,

hey ms.b !
I used to date this guy for a while, and i started having little feelings with my best friend that resulted into nothing, but i believe that if yu even have remote feelings for someone else while in a relationship you shouldnt be with them. So as dumb as i am i broke things off with this guy. A few months later he started going out with another girl for a while and she just recently broke up with him to sleep with another guy. Throughout some of their relationship me and this guy would talk about what life would be like if we never broke up, but he thought that he should stay with his ex because they were going good and i broke up with him so he didnt want to be hurt again. Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?
From: In love?

Dear In Love,

I'm not quite sure what your question is but I will try to cover or address what I see here, ok? First off, I can tell you are a young woman(one who is struggling in this journey from girl to woman) of principle and scruples. I like that in you. Somehow I feel you are going to be successful in this life and if we tweak, some of your already outstanding features, things will fall into place for you.

The answer is somewhat complex, yet at the same time simple. It basically comes down to an assertive thinking, a way to "Just Live." What I mean by this is that too much time is spent not saying what needs to be said for several reasons. Those reasons range from fear of refutation, you know when someone blows you off and you feel stupid for ever saying something to making your feelings clear to someone you really care about. That could be the words you need to say to a guy you like or even a family member that, i.e. you haven't told them how much you appreciate them, their love and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

What I am trying to tell you is that the art of "Just Living" involves a few variables, as I said, they are simple yet complex. The simple part involves, the very creed by which I live;

"Say what I mean, mean what I say and try my damnedest not to say it too mean."

It comes down to learning to say what needs to be said. See, when you are young, you can not fathom or comprehend that you, along with others in your life will not live forever. Quite often we go through life assuming that everybody knows how we feel about things, how we feel about them, you know the people in our lives. For some reason, we tend to hold in our true inner most feelings, especially for the most important people that touch our lives every day. Do not put off telling someone just how you feel. If they are good feelings, you just might make their day, build up their self esteem, put a smile on their face and you never know but your words could save a life. This is coming so remember these words.

When it comes to saying what needs to be said, when it is an uncomfortable situation, the kind you tend to avoid, you must realize that quite often, especially if you are angry, you are the one who suffers, possibly stuffing your feelings deep inside yourself. This type of behavior affords and can cause actual medical illness, depression and so forth. So, what I am trying to say is it is not good to hold onto to feelings/emotions and words that need to be said.

"Just Living" in the complex aspect or side I was speaking of, entails a systems thinking, if you will, as to the outcome of the words you might use to define how you feel about any given situation or person. What I am trying to explain is that in any given situation or scenario, even your situation, there are a few ways to handle it. You wrote,

"Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?"

Now, I am not a mind reader and I highly doubt you are either, right? So, how/what/where do we go from here to find out and ascertain, really, how this guy feels about you? The simple part is you just get right to the point and just ask him. The complex and important part, before you ask the question is the Just Living and System Thinking aspect of it all. I will try to break it down for you...

Think before you speak. Anticipate the possible answers to any given question. Like a good Attorney, in a court room setting, you know possibly questioning a dependent on the stand, you never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to.

What I mean is, in reference to your situation, you need to think about the question first. Then, if you anticipate any possible answer, good or bad and you are able to prepare for that answer, even if it is a negative answer to your question, you've already prepared for the worst, rolled it around in your head and you steel yourself for the worst. No surprises, you are prepared. In the event that you get a positive answer, it's a good thing. In the event you get let down or told that he doesn't like you like that, you've already anticipated it and reasoned with it. How do you reason with it?

I always say that life as well as love is all a matter of perception. If you've been real with yourself, brutally honest when you look in the mirror, your life as well as your own perception of yourself is changed. Then, if and when someone says something nasty to you, possibly something hurtful, you are able to decipher what is true, what is not and what is just said to hurt you, maybe a hit below the belt.

The whole point is this, what you already know about yourself, what you've already acknowledged about yourself can not be used against you. Do you see what I'm saying? In other words, if somebody tries to throw something in your face, it can't stick, it won't hurt if you've already dealt with it, looked at it and either worked on to improve or accepted it about yourself.

I will tell you like it is, as I see it.(In The Zone)

"OK G-Friend, you already know you are not beautiful, don't you? Sometimes you don't even feel pretty, do you? But the fact is, when you look in the mirror, you see a girl with a beaming smile, who when she takes the time to do her hair up and stuff, on those days when you feel good about yourself, well, you are just radiant. No, you are not the prettiest girl on the block but you are far from ugly. You are not nasty fat. You are a good person and a loyal friend. You don't stand out because you are shy but you are far from invisible. People confide in you because they know you care enough to give them real opinion. They come to you because they know you are mature and wise beyond your years, 'an old soul.' Of course, you tend to over analyze everything said to you, picking it apart. You are a deep thinker and you often feel alone. You might even feel alone in a room full of people. This is because you don't let too many people in. You tend to worry way too much, worry about what will happen, long before it ever exists. You must work on this and 'Just Live.' Thus far, you are not happy in your own skin. This is the body God gave you. No, it's not perfect but neither is anybody else's. You must learn to accept yourself, concentrate more on your positive attributes and stop bringing attention to the negative. It just doesn't matter. Like that pimple that comes every time your 'Aunt Flow' comes, you tend to draw attention to it when really no one else cares or notices. That zit/pimple represents what you tend to do...draw attention to the negative when your entire existence is founded on the positive. Take notice, remember these words..."


An example of what I'm trying to say would be this;

If anyone were to try to use the negative, any of the negative aspects that you yourself percieve against you, let's say they call you "an ugly bitch" you know it's not true, don't you? So now the only emotion you should have is wondering how this person could possibly be arrogant enough to call you such things.

These are your real issues, masked in shyness. You 'Just Live' and ask the questions you need to ask. You anticipate that answer, good and bad and you will own the question, that situation and most certainly take the bite or sting out of any possible rejection. See, if he does reject you, you know where he says, "Nah, I don't want to be out of my relationship with my ex," you are already prepared.

Lastly, I see you with somebody else anyway...



Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"