Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just Live

Dear Aunt Babz,

hey ms.b !
I used to date this guy for a while, and i started having little feelings with my best friend that resulted into nothing, but i believe that if yu even have remote feelings for someone else while in a relationship you shouldnt be with them. So as dumb as i am i broke things off with this guy. A few months later he started going out with another girl for a while and she just recently broke up with him to sleep with another guy. Throughout some of their relationship me and this guy would talk about what life would be like if we never broke up, but he thought that he should stay with his ex because they were going good and i broke up with him so he didnt want to be hurt again. Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?
From: In love?

Dear In Love,

I'm not quite sure what your question is but I will try to cover or address what I see here, ok? First off, I can tell you are a young woman(one who is struggling in this journey from girl to woman) of principle and scruples. I like that in you. Somehow I feel you are going to be successful in this life and if we tweak, some of your already outstanding features, things will fall into place for you.

The answer is somewhat complex, yet at the same time simple. It basically comes down to an assertive thinking, a way to "Just Live." What I mean by this is that too much time is spent not saying what needs to be said for several reasons. Those reasons range from fear of refutation, you know when someone blows you off and you feel stupid for ever saying something to making your feelings clear to someone you really care about. That could be the words you need to say to a guy you like or even a family member that, i.e. you haven't told them how much you appreciate them, their love and how grateful you are that they are in your life.

What I am trying to tell you is that the art of "Just Living" involves a few variables, as I said, they are simple yet complex. The simple part involves, the very creed by which I live;

"Say what I mean, mean what I say and try my damnedest not to say it too mean."

It comes down to learning to say what needs to be said. See, when you are young, you can not fathom or comprehend that you, along with others in your life will not live forever. Quite often we go through life assuming that everybody knows how we feel about things, how we feel about them, you know the people in our lives. For some reason, we tend to hold in our true inner most feelings, especially for the most important people that touch our lives every day. Do not put off telling someone just how you feel. If they are good feelings, you just might make their day, build up their self esteem, put a smile on their face and you never know but your words could save a life. This is coming so remember these words.

When it comes to saying what needs to be said, when it is an uncomfortable situation, the kind you tend to avoid, you must realize that quite often, especially if you are angry, you are the one who suffers, possibly stuffing your feelings deep inside yourself. This type of behavior affords and can cause actual medical illness, depression and so forth. So, what I am trying to say is it is not good to hold onto to feelings/emotions and words that need to be said.

"Just Living" in the complex aspect or side I was speaking of, entails a systems thinking, if you will, as to the outcome of the words you might use to define how you feel about any given situation or person. What I am trying to explain is that in any given situation or scenario, even your situation, there are a few ways to handle it. You wrote,

"Since him and his ex girlfriend broke up him and i have been talking and hanging out, although him and his ex are still talking? Does he still have feelings for his ex of is he for me again?"

Now, I am not a mind reader and I highly doubt you are either, right? So, how/what/where do we go from here to find out and ascertain, really, how this guy feels about you? The simple part is you just get right to the point and just ask him. The complex and important part, before you ask the question is the Just Living and System Thinking aspect of it all. I will try to break it down for you...

Think before you speak. Anticipate the possible answers to any given question. Like a good Attorney, in a court room setting, you know possibly questioning a dependent on the stand, you never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to.

What I mean is, in reference to your situation, you need to think about the question first. Then, if you anticipate any possible answer, good or bad and you are able to prepare for that answer, even if it is a negative answer to your question, you've already prepared for the worst, rolled it around in your head and you steel yourself for the worst. No surprises, you are prepared. In the event that you get a positive answer, it's a good thing. In the event you get let down or told that he doesn't like you like that, you've already anticipated it and reasoned with it. How do you reason with it?

I always say that life as well as love is all a matter of perception. If you've been real with yourself, brutally honest when you look in the mirror, your life as well as your own perception of yourself is changed. Then, if and when someone says something nasty to you, possibly something hurtful, you are able to decipher what is true, what is not and what is just said to hurt you, maybe a hit below the belt.

The whole point is this, what you already know about yourself, what you've already acknowledged about yourself can not be used against you. Do you see what I'm saying? In other words, if somebody tries to throw something in your face, it can't stick, it won't hurt if you've already dealt with it, looked at it and either worked on to improve or accepted it about yourself.

I will tell you like it is, as I see it.
(In The Zone)

"OK G-Friend, you already know you are not beautiful, don't you? Sometimes you don't even feel pretty, do you? But the fact is, when you look in the mirror, you see a girl with a beaming smile, who when she takes the time to do her hair up and stuff, on those days when you feel good about yourself, well, you are just radiant. No, you are not the prettiest girl on the block but you are far from ugly. You are not nasty fat. You are a good person and a loyal friend. You don't stand out because you are shy but you are far from invisible. People confide in you because they know you care enough to give them real opinion. They come to you because they know you are mature and wise beyond your years, 'an old soul.' Of course, you tend to over analyze everything said to you, picking it apart. You are a deep thinker and you often feel alone. You might even feel alone in a room full of people. This is because you don't let too many people in. You tend to worry way too much, worry about what will happen, long before it ever exists. You must work on this and 'Just Live.' Thus far, you are not happy in your own skin. This is the body God gave you. No, it's not perfect but neither is anybody else's. You must learn to accept yourself, concentrate more on your positive attributes and stop bringing attention to the negative. It just doesn't matter. Like that pimple that comes every time your 'Aunt Flow' comes, you tend to draw attention to it when really no one else cares or notices. That zit/pimple represents what you tend to do...draw attention to the negative when your entire existence is founded on the positive. Take notice, remember these words..."

An example of what I'm trying to say would be this;

If anyone were to try to use the negative, any of the negative aspects that you yourself percieve against you, let's say they call you "an ugly bitch" you know it's not true, don't you? So now the only emotion you should have is wondering how this person could possibly be arrogant enough to call you such things.

These are your real issues, masked in shyness. You 'Just Live' and ask the questions you need to ask. You anticipate that answer, good and bad and you will own the question, that situation and most certainly take the bite or sting out of any possible rejection. See, if he does reject you, you know where he says, "Nah, I don't want to be out of my relationship with my ex," you are already prepared.

Lastly, I see you with somebody else anyway...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

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