Grieving on The Installment Plan

Dear Aunt B,

My mom died a week ago of ovarian cancer after battling with it for

about 5 months, and I'm just... not that sad. I do miss her,but not

like I thought I would. I'd rather have her here with me, but I'm okay

with the fact that she's gone. I haven't cried, except for the night

she died, and I'm not angry or hurt or... anything. If anything, I'm

relieved that the whole ordeal is over, and that I no longer have to

come home and see her slowly cannibalize herself and slip away from

us, and that she's finally out of all the pain that she was in. I feel

like I lost her a month ago when she just stopped hugging, kissing, or

even looking at me, but still. It's my mom that died, and I'm not

grieving out of my mind. Life is kind of peaceful now for me, and I

know that sounds terrible, but I just can't understand why her death

is so alright with me. My father is taking it hard, my family is

too... even my friends are more upset than I am. But for some reason,

I'm still going to school (I went the next day), still doing

everything I normally do, and I'm even laughing and having a good time

with my friends. The only thing that has changed is that I now value

my family and friends more, and seem to have more of an appreciation

for everyone and everything around me.

But is it terrible that I'm so calm and composed about this whole

deal? Shouldn't I be a bit more depressed about her not being with us

anymore? Or is it normal for me to just be happy that it's all over

and she's in a better place, and for me to get on with my life so

quickly? I honestly don't know what to say to everyone who always asks

how I'm doing. I feel strange saying "Oh, I'm actually doing really

well,".

Thanks,

-Alicia
Dear Alicia,

We all grieve differently. There is no defining factor, there is no set of rules. There are only suggestions and the main one is to allow yourself to grieve. I personally have done it on the "Installment Plan."

You asked,

"Or is it normal for me to just be happy that it's all over

and she's in a better place, and for me to get on with my life so

quickly?"

Your Faith speaks volumes to me. When my Grandpa died, I cried that night and that was it. I knew and had an awesome Peace that he is in a better place. And it was that very man, my Grandpa who instilled that faith in me. I look through my pics online or I come across his pics and often might feel like, well, I will tear up, all these years later but it is because I miss him.

When my husband died in 1989, I held it in, doing the bravery thing for our sons. Quite often, I will hear a song of endearment, i.e. Blood, Sweat & Tears, "You Made So Happy," he'd taken me to their concert for our first wedding anniversary back in 1976. He had them announce our anniversary and they then dedicated the song to me, from him. If I happen to hear that song and per chance the wind is blowing a certain way, I just might lose it. The flood gates open.

As I said, I tend to grieve on the Installment Plan. Of course, there's a lot to that story; regret and a sense of I wish I knew then what I know now as we were separated when he died. I'd left him because of his behavior, knee deep in pain related addiction. I was young and dumb and I thought I knew it all. I sure didn't...

There may be more to your story than you share(concerning the relationship between you & Mom) but I think you'll probably grieve on that installment plan too. I see nothing wrong with it and if your Mother's wishes were known, on this very day, I am willing to bet that although you two often butted heads, you were and are more alike than you know and she does not want you to hurt, least of all over her. In fact, she just might be there with you and your smile makes her happy.

I call it "Calm Assurance." It is what you have. It is a faith based feeling where you just know all is going to be well, in respects to your Mom. And I'd rather you felt this way than anything else...

However, I do not want you to feel guilty about these feelings or lack thereof, ok? If it does tend to overwhelm you, these pangs of guilt, I would suggest a Grief Counselor. They can/will help you process your feelings. My own Father died from the "Big C" and cancer is an awful way for someone to die. You watch them slowly, painfully slip away. It challenges the greatest of minds, the strongest of hearts.

You just went through an horrendous loss. This wasn't just anybody but the woman who gave you life. She will not be there for many momentous occasions. I know there are so many times I wish my Husband, Dad, Grandma's and Grandpa's could be here and see what I see. I so badly wish that my husband was here to share our Grandkids as I think he would've been a wonderful Grandpa. Every now and then, it hits me and I tear up again. If such feelings visit you, let it all out.

You are more than welcome to write me and as a matter of fact, I would look forward to updates as to how you are doing, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





Dear Alicia,

I personally think that we grieve in different ways for each person we lose... and differently then others will with the loss.

It sounds to me like your mom was in a really bad place, and the cancer was eating away at her. I had an uncle die of skin cancer this way, and it was hard to deal with much less see everyday.

When someone who is really sick and not themselves does die, there are people out there who look at the |bright side| in that the person is no longer suffering (ending your suffering too, because no one wants to see their loved ones in pain), and are able to cope with the loss.. .because it is actually a blessing.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all about the way you are dealing with the loss of your monther. Just don't sell yourself too short, because it may one day effect you differently and you won't expect it. Let the grief be what it is, the loss of a significant person in your life, and don't beat yourself up over you thought you had dealt with this. You have. But love travels long and far, and you never know when things might effect you.

I am sorry for your loss, and hope that the memories you do have are comforting and will continue to make you feel good.

~Xmichra

October 21, 2008

All Band-Aids Off

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B;

My fiance passed away about 1 year and a half ago. 6 months after he died I drank more heavily then I'd used to. I was naturally very vulnerable. One day I went to the Pub a few blocks from my place and I sat on the patio and
had a drink by myself. I was immediately approached by a guy my age. We slept together that night. In the morning I felt amazingly connected to him and we went for lunch. He proceeded to call me every day and spend every evening
with me for a week and a half. He started getting paranoid and possessive-there were small little warning signs. He'd accuse me of cheating on him one day when I was out of his sight for 15 minutes, even though I'd told him I was going to the bank.He told me he was seeing a therapist and he
had a history of getting obsessive with woman. This is where it gets crazy.
One day I decided not to answer my phone because I was getting claustrophobic
and I needed my space. He had just finished telling me he wanted to move in
with me, he really liked me and things were just going to fast for me. He
proceeded to call me all day long and the phone calls got weirder and
weirder. At 3:00 a.m., he left a message saying his fortune telling stones
told him that I was cheating on him and that I know that they don't lie. He
left another message saying "You are acting all nice and pretty, but if you
don't toe the line, I will kill you". He the started to climb my balcony. I
called the police and they arrested him and placed a restraining order
against him (their choice, not mine). They hinted that he had a history of
such behavior. I know this makes me sound screwed up, but after a few days I
missed him. We had spent everyday together and we had connected on many
levels. I called him and we continued to sleep together. The sex was
amazing! We also felt very comfortable with one another and we could talk
about anything and everything. My feelings grew stronger and then he became
detached. We would have a very sexual evening and I wouldn't hear from him
for 3 days I would call him and he would be icy cold and tell me that his
lawyer didn't think we should talk. We would argue and then he would come
over and sleep with me again. He became hyper critical of me and my flaws
and constantly focused on them. He would play hot and cold and this
continued for a few months. He ignored me over the Christmas holidays and
finally ended it over the phone. He told me the timing was off and that he
wanted to focus on his career and that I'd changed his life. Afterwards he
completely ignored me for 6 months. I emailed him and he responded one day
and we hooked up yet again. I'd never gotten over him. I dreamed about him
every few nights and thought about him obsessively. He claimed to
have never gotten over me. He said he missed me, he could only truly be
himself around me, he said I was smart. he said there were no other girls.
He had what I interpreted to be amazing sex and another romantic interlude
only to have him ignore me again for a few months. Many men find me
attractive, but I can't get him out of my head. I felt amazing chemistry
with him; it was like I knew him from another life. This happened one more
time and I have never heard from him since the last time. We had sex, but he
told me we were too much alike and their was "bad energy" between us. I have
no idea what he was talking about. He repeatedly puts woman on a pedestal
only to be rejected by them later. I was the one girl who didn't reject him
yet he pushed me away. In the beginning he was the one who was obsessed with
me. Why did he reject me? Why can't I let go? I feel as if there is
lingering baggage between us and I have no sense of closure. Thank-you!

Robyn

Dear Robyn,

I think you might be playing with fire and ice. They can both be memorable, to say the least but they can be so damaging.

My second husband was like this. One side of me loved the attentiveness, the possessiveness and so on. The other half was being smothered by it and he did the same thing with the accusations, always thinking I was fooling around on him. Eventually, he got help through the V.A. and was found to be Bi-Polar.

Now, we don't know that your fella is Bi-Polar and I'm not implying this. It is not my expertise to even indicate that sort of diagnosis, so I will steer clear of it. I will say, however, that there's a lot of indication of inappropriate behavior. But my concern is not for him, it is with you.

Had you even realized that your obsession with him is because he made a spot in your psyche, when you were at your most vulnerable? You'd just gone through an outrageously traumatic experience and he walks into your life. You were beyond vulnerable and would've done anything to forget the pain. You were distraught and he took that away...temporarily. He filled a huge void and made you forget your pain, of course, you'd welcome that. Anyone would. He told you what you needed to hear, well that doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that, you probably fell head over heels for him because he was such a huge fill in that void.

I can not negate your feelings for him. They are real and any kind of love is real. I'm sure you know, there are different degrees, of love and although he could never replace what you had with your fiance, his kind of love, pulled you through that pain...temporarily. You may, have even have viewed him, as your savior, the saving grace from such pain, pain that was just about unbearable.

What you did, was over look the red flags that kept popping up. You know, the small still voice, inside, kept telling you, something was amiss but you ignored it, didn't you? Something inside tugged at you. On the other hand, your emotion equated him, with not feeling the pain from the death of your fiance, as well. Somewhere inside, something tugs at your heart strings and says he's the fix, for what ails you. But again, it is only a temporary fix.

It is within my scope of reasoning to tell you, that I suggest you get counseling. Why? Because I do believe a couple of things have happened; I don't think you were done grieving from your loss, when you went from the frying pan, into the fire. Now, you crave the passion from that fire, a quick fix, a band-aid. In turn, you've been treated coldly and now you even question yourself, what you are, who you are and even if you're worthy. "Many men find me attractive..."
With this statement, I believe you've questioned your own self-worth. You've been weighing things out, haven't you? One side of you knows damn well, that you are all that and a box of Godiva chocolate.

The other half feels less than and not very attractive, why else wouldn't he respond? Why else wouldn't he not want me?

My own small still voice, my gut instincts, my intuitive side, tells me that nothing good can come from this relationship. Now, if you're not the type to go and pour your heart out to a therapist or maybe you can't for insurance reasons, whatever, I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror. You know damn well, you were hurting so badly, if they'd told you, if you put cat shit on your head, all the pain will go away, you'd have done it. You'd have done just about anything, not to feel that devastating loss. Who could blame you? Least of all, me.

You were so in love, weren't you? You are the kind of woman that loves with all the passion, the very fiber of your being. It was spontaneous, good, fun, memorable, it was your world. He was your world. Then, it was suddenly , taken from you, turned off, not by choice, on his end but not on yours. No, your love was still alive and brilliant, vibrant and full to the brim, spilling forth. What to do with all those feelings? Where does the love go?

You need to take all Band-Aids off and feel the loss, grieve and work on rising above it. You can do this. You've not allowed yourself to begin the healing process. Yes, he loved you, always will, always and forever. He wants you to be happy. He was not selfish, maybe a bit possessive but he only wanted you to be happy. He would want you to be happy now. He wants you to stop looking for his replacement. You will not find it. But a wonderful and gentle man, will find you.

Begin to make a conscience effort to become busy, something constructive that will keep your attention. Find a hobby, join a group or gym. You could start a blog and I'd be glad to talk you through it. I had to do the same thing and blogging actually got me through it. In addition, it is somewhat of a diary and I can look back and see how I've grown, where I need to pay attention, my strong suits, my weakness and so on. I've had several blogs, that fit or suit my personality or how I was feeling at the time. Your blog can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a personal journal or entertainment. You can rant and rave, whatever your little heart desires. Then, you begin to visit other people's blogs and you comment. They will then, reciprocate, usually and comment on yours. The interaction is born. Every single time, you have that lost feeling, get busy and write or interact. Every time you feel that tug at your heart strings and that urge to call, you get busy. Do whatever it takes to flush him out but please don't jump back into a relationship, you're not ready.

When you stop looking, he will find you.

I am and will always be here.

Aunt Babz