Both Parents

Dear Aunt B,

I need help to write a letter to my sons dad. he only visits 3 to 5 hours a month. This year he has seen tommy only 35 hours. and he only lives 5 miles away.. He told me he still loves me and it hurtes him to him i wont take him back so i think this is why he avoids tommy. I told him we can get a person to deliver tommy to him. I tried to explain tommy is the important and that he needs to out those feeling aside , because its all about raising a health child.I never keep him from a visit. i call him and have pleaded for him to see tommy. Because every time the phone rings tommys thinks it dad,

He is always with his other kids that are ages 15 to 21. I tried to tell him tommy needs him a little more than . at least 2 hours a week.I know if i would sleep with him he would be around . but i hate him. hes parenting skill make me hate him. he does pay $500 a month when he is not playing games.i just give up. i want to write a letter that gets him to wake up and see hes hurting our son. and life is so precious it can be taken away in a instance. Or do you think i should just let it go its Barrys problem.

I just feel like i failed my son. by leaving his dad.
after i became clean and sober i saw i wanted better for us and dont want to be around anyone who had a drug past or relapses alot.

Dear Mary,

There are a whole lot of cliché's that I could get into here. First of all, I commend you for your taking care of yourself and getting clean and sober. For doing all the right things, including getting away from the father of your son. You have done so many right things and that's good.

You are only responsible for yourself, and you have done very well with that responsibility. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink – any man can father a child but it takes a really special person to be a daddy. Those are two big things that come to mind here.

Right now, you will need to be both parents for your son. One day, his father will be sorry that he missed this very important time in his son's life. But you cannot make him into something that he should be, not if he's not willing to do it on his own. You don't need the stress!

Don't try to force your ex to be a better dad; it's obviously not something he's ready to be right now. Until he can put his own selfish feelings aside, and grow up, you don't need to try to raise two children. (Tommy and your ex.)

You have failed no one! You should be proud of yourself. It takes a very strong person to come as far as you have and I commend you for that. Spend time with your son and when he wonders why his dad isn't around for him, just be sure not to bad mouth your ex to your son. He will form his own opinions fairly quickly.

Stay clean and stay away from anyone who isn't. If your ex isn't clean, I'm not so sure that it's a good idea for you or your son to be around him. Father or no father!

Best Wishes!

Lorielle

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Intuition Is More

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, O.k, this is just a bit wierd, but any help would be very much appreciated, as I am very much the agony aunt of my friends, but from whatever way I look at this, I can't find a solution.

I am currently with a fantastic guy, he loves me, and I truly think we are soulmates, we were finishing eachothers sentences when we had only just met, and continue to baffle our friends and relatives with our ability to be on the same wave length. He knows what I want with out me having to hint or anything, as if he can read my mind. It's great :)

However, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about his ex girlfriend...I know. It's weird. They didn't go out very long, and they are still close friends, he has always been open about there friendship, I know for a fact, nothing would ever happen between them again. Ever, they have both moved on. He has said he feels like he 'messed her up' which, as he thinks the world is on his shoulders, I know he feels like he has to help her whenever he can as a result, (especailly as she has a tendency to burden him with her issues). I am generally a secure, none obbsessive or jelous person. Although I once had a dream where he kissed her infront of me and acted completly out of character to normal life, it really upset me, but it was so surreal, does this mean anything? I really don't get it, I can't help thinking where she is and what she does. I just want to stop thinking about this. It's stupid. I know it's natural to feel uneasy about the one you love having been with someone else, but he's really comfortable telling me anything about it, and I know if he knew, he'd say: that's crazy, I love YOU, she's just a mate...so why am I loosing sleep over this? ...on some level I think it may be because I could never imagine myself being such close friends with some one I went out with, maybe I just don't understand. I dunno. She was also snide an cold towards me the first couple of times I met her, and seems to only of just come round to being friendly...in fact she said I was awesome the last time we were all together. So why can't I stop thinking about her?? PLEASE help. So confused :S

Thank you.


Dear Reader,

Thanks for posting your question. I am from the old school of thought, that intuition is more than it seems to be. In other words, you evidently harbor some doubt about your boyfriend's loyalty to you, in regard to this ex girlfriend you speak of. So, perhaps you have a reason to feel this way. My advice to you is that you stop doubting yourself and cease putting yourself down over it. It's best to be open about your feelings, and see what transpires in the days to come. I think your questions, in time, will be answered that way.

I hope this helps, and thanks again, for asking advice................

SidellSez


Cont'd...

I will also answer this asap...
Sorry for the delay in answering you.


Dear Reader,

The title to this post speaks volumes, for one. Always rely on your Intuition and it will never steer you wrong.

I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of women would most certainly side with you. The point to make is simple; Would your current fella want you doing the same thing with one of your ex's?

My own Intuition tells me that this woman is not to be trusted and I can actually see her taking great pleasure in the fact that she still has your man wrapped around her little finger.I somehow feel she uses his kindness, his gentle nature and without him even realizing it, she plays head games in her twisted ploy to keep him in check. And you can tell him I said so.

Having said that, my advice to you would be to simply sit him down and let him know that this entire situation makes you uncomfortable. I believe you when you say it's not a matter of jealousy. However, your fella needs to understand that it's just not proper no matter how adult we want to act, especially if their relationship was of a sexual nature.

You explain to him that it's also not a matter of trust, as you trust him...it's her that you can not define...it's her that you don't trust. That is human nature. He could reassure you till the cows come home but yet again, you don't know her like he knows her, which by the way says it all.

My suggestion is a campaign to begin distancing himself from her. I know this much; If I told my man that the whole damn thing makes me uncomfortable, is a thorn in the side of your good relationship then I do believe he needs to heed the warning. And it's not an unreasonable request.

Her life is her life and the time has come for them to part ways. He has done what he has done out of guilt. She is taking advantage of the situation and his good nature. It needs to stop. She is extremely manipulating and I just happen to know she gets extreme pleasure out of making you uncomfortable.

In the event I am right, (and I'm betting that I am)don't you think he needs to stop being used and abused and move on to a healthy and happy relationship with the one woman who loves him enough to have put up with this bozo bull, one who cares enough to have sought counsel in order to make it all work?

Now...I'm betting on you!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Pull Off That Band-Aid

Dear Aunt B,

Recently i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 months.Now, 2 months later, i find myself hooking up with him every weekend. My friend who is really good friends with my ex talked to him about this and he says he still really loves me he just didnt like it when we were going out and i dont know why. i dont think i can take much more of this hooking up and knowing that he is not mine anymore and could do this with other girls. i want him back so badly but just dont know how to do it. should i confront him with what i think and tell him how i feel or should i just sit back and wait and let him come to me?
Please help i really hate feeling so hurt

Truly Yours,
Gabrielle


Dear Reader,

You've heard the old expression, "Why pay for the cow when you get the milk free," right? Now of course, that's a really old expression but it just goes to show you that guys are similar, if not the same, since the beginning of time. Yes, they may have evolved to a certain extent but for the most part, a guy's gonna do whatever he's allowed to do. Meaning, he'll try anything so as to not have to commit if he can get the milk for free.

Yes, I do believe he does care for you, don't get me wrong. He is and will only do what you let him. Now, you've got a stuck feeling, don't you? Meaning, right now, you'll settle because you're not ready to just let him go. If you demand that he commit, you think he'll run, huh? So, you go on just like it is. Oh and you can bet it will not get any better but will only get worse, mark my words.

See, you've given him license to do whatever he wants, even if you didn't realize it. Yep, he can date other girls, fool around here, fool around there or if things don't work out with this chick or that one, he knows he won't be lonely cause there you are, the loyal ex girlfriend. Right now, he's got the very best of both worlds and it will stay that way till hell freezes over...unless you change it.

Deal now or deal later but you will have to deal. Pull Off That Band-Aid now, once and for all. Take a stand and one of two things will happen; Either your boyfriend will be yours or he never was in the first place. But you have got to lay the down the law or he will continue to disrespect you, I guarantee it.

You can bet I know how uncomfortable you are. On one hand you're afraid to say anything lest he wants nothing to do with you and you get nothing. But seriously, G-Friend, you've got nothing now, if your guy doesn't respect you enough to commit. Capish?

It might hurt, to tell him that you no longer want to see him in the manner or the way things are right now but in the long run, you'll gain your boyfriend back, more committed than ever or you'll gain back some semblance of dignity. You and I both know, you can't hardly look yourself in the eye, right now cause we both know that it is beneath you to be treated this way. Now isn't it? Never settle.

I think you should tell him that you are onto his game and are no longer willing to play by his rules. Put on your Bitch Belt and let it be known you will start seeing other guys. I do believe he's counting on your loyalty to him and figures that you'll never go out with anyone but him. He's counting on you being there and putting up with his crap. But if you really wanna make an impact, you'll tell him you're done, over, fini finally and that you'll move on if he's not willing to feel how you feel. Sometimes, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and make 'em cringe and feel the pain before they'll understand. You may very well have to make him feel how it feels to wait at home while you go out with another guy. I assure you, he does not feel you are capable of doing this. No, he's counting on you being all messed up over him. So, you show him how the game is really played, if you must.

If you are ever going to win, it won't be by tolerating his BS. No, you'd better step up now or forever hold your peace and be miserable. Put your foot down now and break the chain. It won't get any better on it's own...guaranteed.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

It sounds to me like you really care for him? But the question is; Does he think about you other than on the weekends?

It really sounds like he is dependent on you if he can't find someone else. To test this theory, go out with him, on the weekend but don't have sex with him. Try this several times and if it works, where he's not demanding sex then you know he just wants to be with you. But you and I know this will not happen, will it? He wants those weekends with you to be sexual, doesn't he?

Is it all just a Booty Call? Or does he really care? Refuse sex with him and find out.

On Your Side,

Halena

One Rough Road

Hey Aunt B,

Well to make it short…My exboyfriend was doing really good…He went from nothing…to Having a good job, going to school and finally his car…He is the type of person who lies at anyones expense..he can use people..and overall he can be self fish and not care about nothing else..not even his family..he is going on 22 and I feel he will never get it..He is falling into really bad stuff..right now he no longer lives at home and is running out of money…just last week I think he robbed his own job….and now they know its him…so he quit..he has not paid his car note…so I feel like he is headed in the wrong direction..I know he has deep feelings for me…and I thought that I could make him see things differently…I want him to realize what situations he is putting himself in….I want him to THINK!!!! I have tried, and tried and tried talking to him all sorts of ways…and no results. He is still the same person…but lately its just getting worst…he is doing worst..and im sooooo scared and worried for him…I don't want him to end up dead or in prison….What do I do??? Do I just give up on him? Because im also hurting myself in a way…should I just leave him alone…I feel that If I leave he will have NO One…but im tired of feeling disappointed by him…should I just give up and let him live his life the way he wants to?

Thanks

LLadira

Dear Lladira,

This is a difficult situation for sure. On the one hand you feel like you should “stand by your man” because you love him. But on the other you know that he is walking a dangerous road.

I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would leave. Honestly you cannot run the risk of being implicated in his shady dealings, and if he is really that much of a liar… well I just don’t think that I would be able to trust him not sinking me too.

This guy needs a reality check that you cannot provide for him. And he will slide down into some serious trouble right away. Stealing from your employer and being under suspicion for it doesn’t go away because you have quit. In fact it makes it compellingly obvious that you did something wrong. So you can pretty much bank on his employer following up on that.

There is a strange perception that someone who lies or steals from their employer, that doesn’t mean that they would do so from you. But in my experience it is actually very much the opposite. A person, who has no regard for their employer, when the employer has invested in you and has given you an opportunity, is a person who has a mix of morality. What makes it right to steal from someone who has given you something so beneficial? It isn’t right, and he knows it. And in that frame of mind, a person like that could steal from a person they loved.

This guy will be going through a really tough road, and you leaving will not make that any easier. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You have done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t be punished for that. And I think you will be if you stay.

Best thing I could suggest is to make sure he has a list of people or resources that could help him to fix what he has done. And maybe once he has made good on his trespasses then you can maybe have a friendship and maybe a relationship again. But until that happens you need to worry about yourself and how much trouble this can land you in.

I hope you do well with what ever you choose, and if you need help finding resources for your boyfriend or for yourself, don’t hesitate to ask.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said,

Get out while the getting's good!