Real Men Don't Fool Around

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend.... So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him.... But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn't care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he's ever said. But now, I don't know whether or not I want to be with him again... Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can't imagine not being with him, and I don't know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there's somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn't care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I'm thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for "free advice" and I thought I'd give this a try. Haha.

Dear Friend,

It sounds to me, as if you've thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you've been realistic with yourself and you've managed to look at things from all directions.

If it wasn't for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I'm sure you'd have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you're willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.

When we are in love, it's a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there'd be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can't see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that's what you choose.

Yes, I think his explanation of, "She thought," we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I'd be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he'd do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he's not capable of lying about the whole affair and I'd swallow his lame ass story. But I think you're more than aware of all this, so what can you do?

As I said before, I don't know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn't know how the game is played. What game, you ask?

Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn't know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.

If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he's not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don't know they exist.

All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he'd want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were...you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.

Real men, don't fool around. No, it's the little boys, who need their ego's fluffed, that are the one's who sneak around. Tell him this.

Think

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Hi there,

I am really stuck on what to do, im 17 and i really like my cousin. Hes 21

this year and i know it isn't rite that i like my cousin and it would tear

the family apart if anything happened between us but i really like him and he

really likes me, i don't know what to do about the way i feel. He says we

could be together but we would have to keep it secret from everyone and meet

up when no-one knew. I don't see this as a good type of relationship but

what can i do when i have fallen really hard for him and he has really

fallen for me? Please help me, do we get together? Is it wrong to like

each other? Will it destroy our family? I really need your help.

Thank you!

Dear Friend,

First let me say, that your feelings are probably genuine. You have things in common with your cousin and may have even grown up with him? Maybe you have a long history? Feelings have emerged, possibly strong feelings. But I think you'll need to look at them very carefully.

You are not the first to fall for your cousin and you won't be the last. For as long as I can remember, they've called it, "Kissing Cousins." In tight knit families, it is fairly common to become close and possibly, misinterpret feelings. Why do I say misinterpret? You may actually take offense to me saying that, but you must look at this.

In most states, it is illegal for 1st cousins to marry and relationships are frowned upon. There's a reason for this. They believe, that there is a potential for your offspring to be affected. But the substantial evidence, supporting this, has eluded me. You may have to research it yourself

The Amish, I know had a higher incidence of problematic children because of the fact of their close knit marriages. It is my understanding, after speaking personally, with Amish women in Leon, N.Y. that they often went out of state, i.e. Pennsylvania's Lancaster sect, for get togethers. Their get togethers are often barn raising and such but this way, they will meet out of their sect. They themselves, policed themselves and looked for resolve by taking this stance, to have their young people to meet out of their own family units.

Regardless of the factual based possibilities, I'd like to point out a few things to you. I do believe society would call this, as harsh at it may seem...

in·cest (ĭn'sĕst')
n.

1. Sexual relations between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom.
2. The statutory crime of sexual relations with such a near relative.

Now, you have not mentioned a sexual relationship, with your 21 year old cousin but two issues come to mind. Right now, if you had sex with him, your parents could push the issue, possibly, of statutory rape. In many states, it is illegal for an adult to have even consensual sex with a person under the age of 18.

Secondly, why would you ever want to be in a relationship that had to be kept quiet, like a dirty little secret? Now, I am not judging you. In the name of love, I have done some crazy and stupid stuff, things I am not proud of. I can also look back, over the years and see different relationships, how they evolved, how I felt and how they ended. I can remember thinking I couldn't breathe if my relationship ended with a certain person. I mean, I love with all the passion and fire of an insane person. But I have thought that I could not go on without that relationship, it was that hot and heavy. Next thing you know, I've outgrown them or they'd done something to hurt me and I hated their ever lovin' guts. At one point, I thought they were all that, the best looking guy to walk down the pike. After the break-up, I would view them as the ugliest thing, known to man. Love is truly perspective. Love is deaf, dumb, blind, crippled and crazy. I have loved and been loved and have been in more relationships than I can count or care to admit. I say all this because I want you to know, that I honor your feelings and am not trying to dismiss them. I do however, want you to look closely at them.

I assume because of your age, that you've not been in many serious relationships. You may or may not have been in love before. Love is different things to different people. Our view of love changes, progresses and matures as we grow.

I would like very much, if you will look deeply, into this situation. I do think you have some concern yourself. I also think that you have heard, what I call the, "Small Still Voice." It has told you to be concerned about this situation. Learn to recognize it, hone it and try to always listen to it. It will guide you through life. If you hear it and get that eerie sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, heed it's warning.

I am not sure if this is wrong or right. I know, in some states it's illegal, as I pointed out to you. If he is your first cousin, it may be morally wrong. Think.

Love is a powerful thing. As a young woman, you may be experiencing normal feelings, a walk down the path towards womanhood, emotionally. Is it possible, like a radar, you may have directed those normal feelings towards someone who you have things in common with? Is it possible that you have zeroed in on your cousin, out of a closeness, misconstrued as love? Is it also possible that your sexuality, has come of age and you woke and saw him? Think.

If you were my daughter and you asked me, what to do, I would tell you, to make a conscious effort, to date other people, right now. Anything you have to hide, in a hetero situation, can't be good. How can you celebrate your love for one another, if you must hide it and worry what people will think. Having a secretive relationship will only bring about hurt and pain, pain you will also have to keep secret.

I encourage you to really try to walk away from this situation. Open your eyes to the endless possibilities out there. There are many fish in the sea. Now, I know if you have feelings for him, it may be hard. But your feelings may be family love that is jumbled and mixed with a want and need for companionship. Of course you care about him and obviously, you are close. How will you tell your friends? Will you be able to go out and show affection, while everybody else is? I mean envision, any scenario. A whole group of you go out, to a party, boyfriends and girlfriends. They're listening to music, at the party, dancing together, holding hands, kissing. What will you do? When your girlfriends are comparing notes and talking, as girlfriends do, about their boyfriends and expressing and proclaiming their love, what will you do? You will always have to sneak and hide, worry that you will be caught and what will people think?

Love is such a beautiful thing. It can not be contained and kept under wraps. You will want to share and tell the world about how much you love, your guy. But if you continue to entertain the notion of being with your cousin, you will begin to live a lie, one you may never recover from. Think.

Kissing Cousins

20/20 has done an investigative report on cousins marrying one another. According to the report, cousins are allowed to legally marry in 26 states in the United States. Additionally, such marriages are more common in European and Middle Eastern countries. "In some Middle Eastern countries, almost half of all marriages are to cousins."

"And consider this — Albert Einstein's parents were cousins, and he married his cousin, too. FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt were cousins, so were Prince Albert and Queen Victoria and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was briefly married to a second cousin." Although many people are still concerned about the genetic risks cousin marriages supposedly take, a new study by National Society of Genetic Counselors states that the genetic risks are much less than previously thought.
Cousin Marriage License Laws

The New York Sun (Commentary)

CousinCouples